I can't get past my shame
 

Hi everyone,
This is the first time I've been on a public forum, let alone for help with my alcohol problem. I'm 23, have started the path to sobriety, and have never felt so alone in my life.

I officially addressed my drinking problem a little over three months ago and since then I have had troubles staying sober. I won't drink for 3-6 days, sometimes I feel good and strong and sometimes I feel weak and angry, but either way after about 3-6 days I always end up binge drinking again, usually for multiple days in a row before I try and get back on track.

Nobody understands! I'm surrounded by a wonderful family, great friends, a supportive boyfriend, and I feel so isolated. Everyone always has a drink. Whether it's my mom just having a glass of wine or my friends ganging up on me to take a shot, alcohol is everywhere. Sometimes I only feel safe staying in and reading, away from everyone else.

But I've missed out on so much, birthdays (they're always at a bar aren't they?), graduation parties, simple bowling alley trips even. I'm embarrassed to say no to alcohol when it's offered to me. I feel obligated to explain when my friends give me this baffled look like, "YOU'RE not drinking?!"

I just wish I had more people to talk to. So, here I am.

Welcome to SR, tigerswithellie. I am glad you are here with us. You will find many, many people here to talk with. Good luck on your sober journey. :grouphug:

You were the orange amongst apples. Welcome to your fellow fruit basket.

In all seriousness, you couldn't be amongst better people that 'get it' here tigerswithellie. There are so many people to talk to here that are exactly like you, including me :)

Welcome to the Forum!! You'll find loads of support and like minded people with understanding here, great to have you onboard!! :wave:

Thank you all for making me feel accepted :grouphug:

Put things in perspective. What is more important to you, changing what's going on now or having to say no to your friends? Sure, you'll likely get some pushback initially, but if you're serious about this then they'll come around. And if they don't then they're not very good friends.

So glad you found us! I think there are even greater challenges in your age group cuz even eventual non problem drinkers can drink alcoholic volumes in young adulthood. It's harder to find a less partying culture. Then again, alcohol is everywhere in all age groups. Wino women has become a cultural phenom it seems. Women getting mildly soused over a bottle of wine amongst friends seems to be in every major motion picture. Women are routinely shown with a glass of wine in hand on television sitcoms like Cougar Town or Mike and Molly even.

Nevertheless...there is sobriety...all around us too. Here you will find it. I noticed yesterday in some age group category that the two largest groups seemed to be the younger 18-30 set and the middlin 40's to 60's...

Welcome..glad you are here.

I think the most frustrating part is I have friends that have this amazing self control, a kind of control that I just have never had, and then I have other friends who have a drinking problem just as bad, if not worse than me, and they tell me I'm being "overdramatic" by reaching out on SR and looking into local meetings, etc. I just want a better life for myself and I keep feeling like I'm going to have to achieve that all alone... :(

Welcome tigerswithellie to a group of people like you who would not normally mix. We are from Yale to Jail and we will love you til you learn to love yourself. Our problem with alcohol is when we take one drink, craving kicks in and we can't stop til we have had too many. :grouphug:

Welcome to SR, tigers :wave: You're definitely amongst friends here! :)

Well done for realising at such a young age that you have a problem and, importantly, have the desire to address it. I knew in my 20s that my relationship with alcohol was different to that of others - they could stop but I could not - but I didn't do anything about it for nearly 3 more decades :(

Does your family and your BF know that you are trying to give up drinking? Do you think they would be more supportive of you if they did (even though they may not understand)?

Stick with it - sobriety can be amazing!

All of you are making me seriously tear up! Thank you, thank you for reaching out and showing me I'm not all alone.

HeadLump, my boyfriend is the only one I've been able to be completely honest with. He and I were close friends for almost 10 years before we started dating, so luckily it is a very close relationship. And while his support means the world to me, he just doesn't understand exactly what you said, they could stop but I could not. He thinks everyone has a "limit" and you just have to learn where your limit is. It's too hard trying to explain to him that a limit doesn't exist for me.

As for my family, my mother has been battling severe depression for the past year and a half and between all the changes that my dad and little sister have had to go through because of it, I feel like I can't burden them with any other worries.

Hi Ellie,

I understand. While I am no where near your age (almost double), I remember and can relate to what you are dealing with. When I was 23 I felt so left out if I didn't have a drink in my hand, or wasn't at a club (with a drink).

At the same time, thought, I had a couple friends who went totally sober around that same time. They had another level of "cool" that us drinkers couldn't imitate. They were strong, both emotionally and physically, and we all respected them. They seemed to get more dates than I did, but that's a topic for a different thread. :)

Your boyfriend is correct. Everyone has a limit. For some of us the limit is zero. It's not a bad thing in the end. It is what it is. Accepting it is what's important.

There has been a fair amount of discussion here at SR regarding who, if anyone, we tell about our "relationship" with SR. I choose not to talk to my friends and family about the time I spend on SR. The only people that would really understand what this place is about are those that come here for support. (Gosh, I make this place sound like a religious cult don't I? - It isn't)

Also, as I suggested in another post today, most "normal" drinkers have a dimmer switch, if you will, that allows them to control how much they drink. Us alcoholics have only an "on/off" switch. And once we flip the switch on, we are unable to turn the switch off. Once we realize that our on/off switch simply doesn't work the way it does for "normal" drinkers, we can understand that the only logical response is to not flip the switch in the first place.

As to the friends who pressure you to drink, most will relent after they realize that you are serious about your sobriety. If they truly can't accept your decision to not drink, then they may not be the right people to be spending your time with.

I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing. :herewego

i had to stop thinking about what i was missing out on and start thinking about what i am gaining from sobriety. made it simple for me.

Welcome. I know how you feel. The first time I quit drinking was at at 23 and was sober for 4 years while in College. It was rough at first but I sure found out who my true friends were. The people that really cared about me accepted it and it just was not an issue. Kudos to you for dealing with this at such a young age. I wish I had never gone back to drinking......those sober 4 years were hands down the best years of my life.

so have a 7 up

I'm 26. Nobody knows I'm on SR. As I type, my fiancé is sat with a beer in his hand. I feel
As if SR is my place-everybody here is like minded and kind and I want it to be somewhere I can come for support without judgement.

As for peer pressure-I completely understand. I went on my best friends hen do (bachelorette I think you may call it in the U.S!) and because I wasn't drinking I got a lot of stick. People think you're no fun when you're not hammered but my argument is-I'm a lot less fun when I'm throwing up drunk or making a fool of myself.

I'm pretty self contained and very stubborn so I don't let it bother me too much but occasionally I feel a little alienated. Don't let it get to you. PM me if you need to chat or rant!

Having an alternative, non-alcoholic drink doesn't make people raise less questions as to why I'm not participating though. My other struggle I'm working on is this horrible negative thought cycle that people won't enjoy the sober version of me. Anybody else deal with that negative self-talk?

Thanks for the insight flossyfressia! I may have to take you up on that sometime

That is not self control, that is someone that does not have a problem with alcohol. They do not have to think twice about when to stop. They just do.

I have never been a social drinker. I drank in social situations (Bars,Taverns) but I never dank like them. It is not a matter of just stopping. I have no off switch. One drink and the craving for more begins and gets worse.

It is the first drink that gets me drunk, every time. My limit is none, nadda, zero, zilch, nope, can't do it!

Anytime! As for worrying about your sober self being no fun, look back to before you started drinking. I bet you had loads of fun then. You'll also have had more money, no hangovers, no black outs etc.
I've been worried previously that my hubby to be might not love me anymore if I don't get drunk but that's just the dependency talking. I bet you're awesome-and all alcohol does is blur that awesomeness!

Heck yeah. Pretty sure it had a lot to do with why I drank in the first place. It was like some sort of vacation from the constant negative natter. And once that liquid reprieve hit...no "off" button.

You're not alone! I did the same thing at the beginning of my recovery. I'm 33. All my friends drank. Offered me drinks, gave me a hard time when I told them I quit. It was really tough. I'd obsess over what I was going to tell them when they asked why I wasn't drinking. The anxiety drove me crazy. Will they not like the new me? What if my husband leaves me? I just kept thinking if I was open and honest and told them I couldn't stop when I started, and drinking was negatively affecting my life, they'd understand. But they don't. Only us alcoholics get it. It got easier and easier. Hang in there, and keep coming back!

Anyone want to share their best secrets for day-to-day sobriety? My therapist recommends having non-alcoholic beverages on hand and I'll get stocked up there, but any methods anyone likes in particular? Has AA helped? Obviously SR is a great resource I plan to continue using :)

I hear you Cinder! I try to explain the "off switch" concept and NO ONE gets it. I realize that's not their fault, but it sure doesn't make things any easier either

Welcome to the family. :) We're here to support you in your sober journey. :hug:

I'm going to jump in here and say be kind to yourself. Alcoholism is a disease you have and you are beginning to deal with it and that's great.

I would suggest you stop worrying about what your friends/family think about you drinking or not drinking. You know you have to stop drinking. For me, my recovery was a very personal journey. It was something I did for me. You do not owe anyone an explanation as to what you are drinking or why and it's rude for them to question you about it.

I had to make some big changes in my life in early recovery and many of us do. It's so much more than stopping drinking. Birthday parties are not always in bars and people don't always drink when bowling. Our perception is that alcohol is everywhere but it's not. You just need to look in different places.

You can do this and we're here for you. :)

I'm scared for the inevitable changes, but I think I'm ready for them. So, so happy I have a group of people to share my ongoing story with

I'm scared too, sometimes.