Hi Jenifer and welcome to SR. I have faced many of the same childhood issues as you and although I'm now in a much better place, i do still suffer from PTSD and get nightmares and flashbacks from time to time.

If you are seriously still having suicidal thoughts every day, I would urge you to go and speak yo your Doctor about this. Counselling will most probably take longer than a year.

There is a website that I found helpful too... Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board, Online Support & Chat Room

I wish you well. I am 2 years sober now, and things are significantly better for me now. I wish you well :) x

While I was in treatment my counselor told me that he could not diagnose me with PTSD because I won't let anyone in enough to deal with it, once I break down the walls he was sure that would be the case. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing...

It is neither good nor bad...it just is....

This is a specialised area Jenifer and it needs specialist help. I couldn't do it on my own. I was in AA, and it was my first sponsor who told me to go seek professional help. Becoming sober just exacerbated the symptoms of PTSD. I was used to being able to function and suddenly I could not. It was beyond my control to 'get over' this without people who understood the way it works.

Sure, opening up was probably the hardest thing I've done. I used to be physically sick on my way to the counsellors but it's got to be better than living in the dark and with suicidal thoughts every day hasn't it?

Please go and chat to your doc. I'm happy to share my stuff if you want to send me a PM.

Take care :grouphug:

No, no, no.
Don't think like that, there is no need.
I promise you never need feel like that.
We all arrived at SR in different emotional states.
No-one googles 'I drink too much' if they are happy with that and life is great and one big party.

There have been some bad personal situations where I have literally slept with my laptop next to me in bed, so the minute I open my eyes, I can be here, amongst people who know, people who understand.

I don't think you can put a timeline or a deadline on counselling and feeling better. Meaning that 1 year later, or 6 months later you will be a brand new shiny happy person and all issues will have been resolved and never mentioned again. We both now life is not like that.

Unfortunately the people we pay for this service or the organisation that funds this (like the NHS in the UK) have to put a timescale on long our treatment lasts, ways to measure the outcomes, % chance of relapse etc etc.

How you feel now, is not how you will feel in another year, or another 5 years though. That I know myself.

I think I had to live for the day.
That worked for me.
A short 24 hours to get through.
I woke every morning and said today I am not going to drink.
If anything made me question that, a memory, a phone call, an experience, then I would think, if I am still upset tomorrow and I want to drink, I will drink tomorrow.
Hand on heart, there was never anything that was bad enough that made me drink the next day. Time and distraction were huge helps.

Please keep coming here.
Don't feel like you have to hold back or that your posts are TMI?

I really do wish you the best xx

I Jenifer! You know, one of the things that helps me with my feelings of worthlessness is being of service to others. I'm always amazed at how much better I feel after working a service position or just volunteering my time and experience somewhere. I do my work in AA. Some of my group members have spoken to youths in treatment centers. Even though you don't feel like much, just knowing that a normal person like you can get sober can mean a lot to someone who's in their first few days or weeks.

Are you in recovery for your eating disorder? I have an ED as well and I'm not in recovery from that yet. Having someone share their experience, strength and hope to me really helps me. Our lives are not without value. No matter how much you feel you put your family though and how you think that has devalued your life, it can be turned towards good. Your life experience has great value to people who need the hope of sobriety and recovery. You just have to share it to learn the truth of that.

I have managed to quit drinking for the last year, but I feel (sometimes) that it was only because I had to. The courts said I have to or go to jail, my family says I have to or they are leaving and deep down I know it's really my only option. But I would have preferred to be just left alone to drink and I worry once the restrictions are lifted in the next 26 days that I will again lose control.

Sounds like a great time to shore up your recovery Jenifer :)

D