Thank you all. Today's off to a rough start. I feel trapped and already gave in. At a loss for words. Just want to not lose touch with this site. Makes quitting feel possible.

Don't give up! Try and make a picture in your mind of the life you want ... Hold it dear. I had to reach the point where I wanted that more than drinking. You really can do this.

What do you feel trapped about? Drinking? Alcohol? You already know you have the physical and mental capacity to stop drinking. You've done it before, you can do it again. The hard, next step one has to take is to adopt a lifestyle that doesn't support continued alcohol use.

Don't wait on courage to seek more help. Don't wait on strength to quit. Don't wait on clarity to see a way out. Many people die waiting for the right time to quit. You don't have to worry about doing the right thing. Just don't do the next wrong thing. Come here first. Those feelings of fear, frustration and anger will pass. Best to let them pass here than trying to tackle it on your own.

Paul - I'm so glad to see you. :hug: Being here does make quitting feel possible - and it is!

Stay here with us and keep posting Paul - we care about you, and we know you can turn this whole thing around.

Hey Paul,sorry to hear that you're struggling.If it helps I found it really hard to go to AA.I went to my first one tonight and actually enjoyed it!Im just saying that because there is help out there and you don't have to do it alone.All the best.

Hi Paul,

Paul, I'm really glad to see you back. You're right that it gets worse, and it will continue to worsen unless you put a stop to it. It's that simple and that hard.

Talking to your dr and detoxing could be a good start, but it's staying stopped that is the hard part. That's where you have to make big changes in your life, your friends, what you do in your spare time, where you hangout, all that stuff. I hope you are ready to commit.

Hey Paul. I remember you from before. I'm just making my way back here again too. Welcome back!

You can do this. As others have said, a fifth a day is a lot to give up cold turkey. Please give at least a short term detox a try at least. It could be dangerous otherwise.

Hi Pauladmits , I have just joined SR and is my 1st time been part of an online group. I can truly empathise with your struggle and despair. I myself struggled for many years as a functioning alcoholic which enabled me to continue and hide it well too from most people . I couldn't even begin to imagine life without alcohol and my self loathing and despair was a private hell!! I read every book available from the library secretly trying to understand this grip of addiction. For me my blessing came in the disguise of massive panic attacks and anxiety, in that it got to the point that when I drunk , I would wake up the next day suffering extreme panic attacks and my problem could no longer be hidden. It got to the point of the fear of the anxiety overcame my desire to drink as the panic attacks were the scariest things and completely crippled me and my functioning drinking life ended there. I simply couldn't drink anymore!!! I guess as horrible as this was and I still suffer from anxiety now it was what saved my life! It's now been 14 months since I last drank and the fear of panic attacks has kept me sober. At first I experienced amazing euphoria to be free from that pain , but it has been a struggle the last few months as I have come back to earth and trying to build a new way of life and rediscover who I truly are and the breakdown of love and friendships . So there is still a lot of pain at the moment for me but feels like an honest pain and not filled with self hate and loathing like before . Good luck and take care :)

Hey Paul, I'm glad to see you back at SR, I think about you from time to time and wonder how you're doing? You had such a zest for fun, hockey, friends and family. I hope you can get that back and give up the drink. Stay in touch with us, I think it will help.

Hi Paul,

Welcome back, you definitely have lots of support on here. Hope that things get easier.

I can't help but observe that the lifestyle you've built has you barricaded from the outside world, and your comments suggest that you've barricaded yourself from treatment.

I agree that you "can't stop it"...on your own. You've demonstrated this in dramatic fashion. But if you're not amenable to getting outside help, then there's little left to be done.

Get yourself into detox and then into rehab. Your life is falling down all around you, and it sounds like it's about to bury you. As much as I might want to, I can't come up there to help you shovel.

Welcome back. I hope this is the time you put the bottle down for good. Get medically detoxed and start living life as it was meant to be lived. But you've got to get help. :)

Paul,

Glad you are here and posting. The thing is, alcoholics cannot control how they drink once they start. It may not be catastrophic every time you drink, but I'm willing to bet that every time it's catastrophic, you've been drinking.

You never have to drink again, but the reality is that your solution has to be stronger than the problem. Half measures simply didn't cut it for me. Keep at it until you are able to commit to whatever solution is strong enough.

Good luck - sobriety is more than worth it.

Thank you guys again. Today is another bad day. It's like packing in as many days of abuse until you have to stop. I need to start right now, I'm slowly deteriorating. My memory is gone, I'm doing stupid things like opening the fridge when I want a spoon or leaving my car in drive and walking out. I can just tell my connection is not the same. I appreciate your comments, have read them all and appreciate everything. Don't know how else to put it because it truly does help. I will be hurting again tomorrow and my fight will be weak. Without driving anywhere do you have suggestions for day 1?

Tomorrow is day 1, journaling is what makes me feel in control so please if you do not like it, let it go. Was hard last time with some of the backlash. Typing my thoughts out helps me. I need it.

I think we had this discussion last time Paul :)

Everyone who posts here is taking time out of their day to try and help you.

I appreciate you're journalling but this is a forum...whatever you post invites feedback.
If you don't want feedback, try a blog instead - but I think you'd be missing out on some great stuff. :)

When my way really wasn't working, I really needed new ideas and input.

I've been through the thread again - there's nothing here that breaks any rules...if you want to put specific folks on ignore, again I think you'd be missing out, but it's your call:

D

Oh there is no one in this thread at all. I'm broken Dee. Those months where I was 100% honest with myself and typed it out were the best months I've had in years. It just helps me out so much. And I can take negative comments but right now I do not want to fight with anyone. I'm much much weaker than the last time I posted. I'm completely desperate right now.

I'm sure no ones looking to fight with you either Paul :)

Have you decided on what approach you're going to take?

D

Hey, paul. I'll just put this out there. You may consider calling your area's AA hotline. You can ask to have someone pick you up and take you to a meeting sometime. Your first step can be someone else's 12th step. You're under no obligation to keep going to meetings but it may help to check one out with someone who's working the program.

Hi Paul. You mentioned that you work at home so you can work drunk, I'm wondering what kind of work that can be that you can do it drunk. No need to answer here, I am just putting the thought out to you. I wonder if it is possible for you to go to a workplace to do your work even some of the time? Perhaps you might be in a position to rent a room somewhere to do your work? The very act of getting up, dressing and going to work (and permitting no alcohol in that space) may help.