I really wish I stopped in the early days of when I cirst thought maybe I have a drinking problem. But no I thought that I could just go out on holidays. Then just weekends. Then well I had a hard day at work. Then she left me. It wasn't the drinking or using, it was my inability to deal with reality that did me in. Alcohol was my best friend. I was better looking, sexier, cooler. I could do anything, I belonged. That glowing warmth of everything is fine now. Whether it was everyday or my scheduled alloted time to get bombed, I felt it was my God given right to be like everyone else. But while everyone else grew up, I ruined my life. I smashed my car, almost died, and spent 11 months in rehab. Then, not even three months out I pick up again. I got this. Once in a while. Its ok, I'm in control. Then I got arrested again. I'm 30 years old, unemployed, and will be facing consequences that will take years to mend. I once averaged out my partybudget of my twenties and figured out I could have bought a house. So ask yourself. Is it worth it? It's bot for me anymore.

parnellatwood,
make no bones about it. this may be one hardest things you will ever do.
smokers keep out of this! :) and you will discover it to be the most rewarding thing you will ever do for yourself. I see it every day. I wish I would have gotten it 12 years ago when I had my first chance.

I have seen in recent years a shocking number of college students who either died or had life threatening reactions from alcoholic poisoning. some who were permanently damaged as a result of binge drinking. IT'S NOT A SAFE ALTERNATIVE.

P, to answer your question...binge drinking on special occasions or vacations or whatever is absolutely related to the solo daily drinking. They are not two separate things. Sure,there are some different characteristics....bing alone or with others, the triggering "event"/reason to partake. But what it all boils down to is: how do you drink when you drink? I'd bet the answer is that you drink the same alone or when it's "socially approved" and you feel that you don't have to hide it. Do you ever feel like just a few is enough? Or, is it more like, the more you drink, the more you want?

I spent a looooong time, years and years wondering if I was really an alcoholic. Or if my drinking problem was really problematic enough to require total abstinence. I knew-in my heart of hearts-I knew that I was an alcoholic, but my focus on analyzing the hell out of it served 2 purposes (at least). 1) while I was debating the issue, I could still drink to my heart's content since the jury was still out and 2) if I didn't fully accept that I had passed a point of no return, then just maybe I could figure out a way to have my cake and eat it too!!drink, get drunk, maybe make a bit of an ass of myself, but no harm, no foul, you know?? That didn't work out for me, because over times, over years, I drank every weekend. I was never a daily drinker. But over all this time the consequences of my drinking got worse. So then, I thought, well ok, I give. Sure the consequences are bad, and I'm starting to hate myself, so I know what I'll do!! I'll just moderate! Yeah... Not so much. I could do it for a while. But it took all my mental energy to do it, and I was pissed off and jealous of other drinkers the entire time. And eventually, of course, my moderation attempts just failed. Because once I started drinking, no matter my intention, I simply lost control and wound up getting just hammered drunk. Finally, I had enough. Finally I said, after 20 years do this, enough, I give up. I'm done. I was sober then for 4 months. Then, I got it in my head that surely I couldn't REALLY have a huge problem since I managed to quit....so yup. You guessed it. Started up again at first moderating, then within weeks going right back to where I was before. That led to 4 more years of weekend binge drinking. 4 more yrs of blackouts every time I drank, more inappropriate things I said and did. More self loathing. Less self esteem. Finally, 2.5 months ago, I threw in the towel.

It's like I couldn't take about a million other people's advice here. I had to learn the hard way. I wasted so much time. And? In that 4 yr period, I got so drunk on 2 occasions that I threw up after I passed out, and I am lucky to be alive.

Sooooo....I started questioning my drinking in my 20’s. I'm now 47. I wish that I had just stopped when I first had the inkling that I had a problem. Because I was right! I could've saved myself YEARS of pain, could've saved my family YEARS of pain. But instead I tell you this story because, this is pretty much how these stories all end. If you have already been lurking and questioning this for years, I just gave you a glimpse into your future. Be smarter than I was. Learn from my and others' mistakes.

First of all Sillystring thank you thank you for sharing your story with me.

To answer your questions I drink a little less--like, resulting in a 4-hour rather than an 8-hour hangover--when I'm alone versus when it's socially approved. Being in those social settings keeps me from passing out and I end up drinking more over a shorter time, I think.

But just a few has never been enough. Moderation is a silly, silly concept in my mind. I want however much I want. When I said earlier I want to try moderation I didn't mean having a few drinks at a time, I meant drinking less frequently. I've never wanted "a beer" in my life. I don't drink enough unless I drink too much. If I don't feel the compulsion for another drink it's because I've crossed the line I know will mean misery tomorrow and I'm cognizant of it ... And even then I still want one, I just usually can stop if I'm thinking about it and it's a weeknight. But I don't think I've ever felt like I have had enough drinks as it was happening. That's true.

But my idea of too much on a Wednesday is like 8 beers. I don't know if that counts as a crazy amount. And I don't seem to fit all these criteria.

Is it possible I'm like partially alcoholic? Is that a thing? Or am I an alcoholic and it's still early in my progression? I know these are questions I have to answer for myself ultimately but help in thinking about them can't hurt. Should I ... Go to AA or something like it and find some willing soul to help me work through these questions, maybe?

I remember asking questions like this....

I was still asking them even after my second DUI.

I don't know how many hundreds of blackouts it took to convince me.

I hope you find your answers sooner than I did.

Haven't tried binge drinking before? How was your drinking pattern before it had become daily? I think most of us started out in our youth with more moderate and occasional alcohol consumption before a daily or frequent habit - the most typical progression pattern. It was certainly the case for me, too. If this is true for you as well, why contemplating going backwards instead of forward progress? Sounds like you are romanticizing binge drinking... I definitely did that myself.

Not sure there is such a thing as "partially alcoholic" but there are definitely different stages. Daily habit with constant thoughts that it may be a problem that should be changed sounds like a sign that it's a little more serious than the complete denial that often characterizes early stage. I think it's great that you decided to post here and seek feedback. I made some posts fully acknowledging my problem years ago, got great suggestions, but never followed up until recently. I could have probably saved myself some real turmoil had I listened and taken recovery seriously...

I wish you all the best in making good decisions, keep posting, these boards are incredibly helpful! :)

You can only reach the conclusion yourself, everyone is different and has different expectations and views and each has their own life story to tell which is unique to them.

Me? I started drinking when I was 18 and would fall off my stool after four pints of Lowenbrau.

Then I "learnt to handle my beer" and started the Thursday to Sunday pub thing. Spinning beds and all that. Wondering why I could never "pull" when I was always s***faced at the nightclub.

Then four wasn't enough and by thirty I was regularly drinking eight pints a night every night.

Then the kids came along and pub visits were curtailed and I discovered spirits and drinking from home, but now my age was against me and at forty I started to suffer some spectacular all day hangovers.

At fifty I always buy a four pack to watch the match and I'm back in the shop at half time to top up. Back after the match for the bottle of spirits.

As your body gets more efficient at removing the alcohol so you get to drink more until eventually your body just gives up with all the abuse you keep throwing at it.

I hope I've seen the light before it's too late. I regularly manage 6-8 days off the drink but it always seems to end in a three day binge.

There is something quietly beautiful about being smartly dressed and enjoying your Sunday breakfast in the hotel when everyone else is suffering from hangovers after the xmas party. One of these days I will break out of the cycle and it will stick.

If you think it is a struggle now it doesn't get any easier with the passage of time.

In my opinion, it is not possible to be "partially" alcoholic. Either you are or you aren't. And from what you've told us I wouldn't say you are early in your progression either- you resent not being able to not drink every day and not being able to binge drink whenever you choose. That sounds like full blown alcoholism in my opinion.

P: Is it possible I'm like partially alcoholic? Is that a thing? Or am I an alcoholic and it's still early in my progression?

Well P, I suppose being partially alcoholic could be in the same category of being a part time alcoholic.

This may be a reach - I love analogies - but I considered when you said partially alcoholic to being partially pregnant. Maybe you're not sure at first. Then it's confirmed but only you know. At first you're only a 'little' pregnant. Nobody else knows unless you tell them. Then after a few months you start to 'show'. Maybe just a little if at all in the early stages. But people start to talk. Maybe not to you but to others. "Do you think she's pregnant?" etc. Then you start to change mentally as well. Others again see this. "I'm pretty sure she's pregnant." After a while there is no hiding it. "She's really pregnant, I knew it all along." " How far along do you think she is?" Then at the later stages - and yes people do say this - "She looks like she's ready to explode." And when you visited your doctor during your pregnancy the doc will say, "You're progressing nicely." The difference is that pregnancy lasts nine months and it's over. Except for the prize at then end. Alcoholism lasts forever and there is no prize at then end. The only prize is quitting booze and starting a new life. And that is not handed to you. That is something you have to work for.

One thing I've heard a lot at meetings is, "I didn't think anyone else knew I was alcoholic..." And then it becomes a realization that everyone knew but you (him/her). In fact you(he/she) knew all along but thought you (he/she) could hide it. They know.

Alcoholism is very sneaky. You think you have a confidential friend. But that friend is letting everyone else know little by little. That voice inside your head is not your friend.

Haennie you said: "Haven't tried binge drinking before? How was your drinking pattern before it had become daily?"

So I started to think about when I have drunk heavily with friends and family, how such behavior began and how it went on over time.

At first, in college, it gave me a social life for the first time in my life.

If I went the party and didn't drink excessively, I couldn't be there. It was too loud, too big, and there were people. If I drank quite a lot, I could stay and hang out with my friends and meet new people.

However, that meant drinking more than any of my friends did. I remember wishing that sometimes I could be the more sober one and help make sure they were okay to return the favor, or even just be one of the people doing responsible things like making sure we didn't all break into the pool and get arrested. But no. I was always the one breaking into the pool.

But then since college, drinking heavily with my friends has once again given me a social life. I would never have met people sober. I would never have gotten to know them sober.

But the social life alcohol gave me was nerve-wracking and scary. I was always freaking out about the things I had said and done. I always assumed I had alienated everyone forever. I have unfixed social anxiety issues, if that's not clear. The only way I could see my friends again after drinking with them and making as ass of myself was always to ... Drink. Ahead of time before seeing them. And then during. Even if they weren't drinking. Which often they weren't.

These friends are good people. They drink a lot quite frequently, but only one of them would I say also has a problem. They do a lot of things together sober too.

And on the oh so rare occasions I spent time when them when *i* was sober, once I'd gotten to know them ... It felt so different. Good and almost like ... Nourishing? Rather than nerve-wracking? Those are my best memories of them.

Then I stopped seeing them. Because I got too scared they wouldn't like me anymore, with all the things id done drunk and then also just because of my anxiety issues. Also, each time they want to hang out, I would rather drink at home alone. (You can drink as you wish that way. No one can suggest doing something that doesn't involve drinking. Nothing prevents you having as much has you want.)

And when I've binged with my family I also often make a fool of myself and wish it hadn't happened. One family vacation I spent completely smashed, and I remember what should have been a good time as being dark. Another one, last year, I spent mostly with my younger sister and cousins, rather than my aunts and uncles, and the sister and cousins don't drink. I had a wonderful time on the nights I spent with them.

I am romanticizing binging. I'm wrong, I think. It isn't something to aim for. It's more like something I've always assumed was the only route to a good time because I have such anxiety issues otherwise.

The problem is the anxiety issues, not the being sober. Being sober had typically meant having more fun, when I analyze my history.

But there are exceptions. There are binges that went well and were a great time. And knowing that ... How do I prevent myself from chasing that forever? How do I get it through my own head that it's not worth it? How do I manage to really believe that it would be more worthwhile to get sober, stay sober, and find a way to deal with my anxiety issues sober?

well...

The way a lot of us got it through our heads was by continuing to try to out-think it. To beat it. There HAD to be an exception. Since we had some times that were fun and not disastrous, SURELY we weren't totally alcoholic...

so we kept trying. experimenting. giving ourselves 'evidence' here and there that it could be done, all the while ignoring the far bigger and ever-growing stack of evidence that it could NOT be done with any consistency or predictability.

And so we kept on... some of us to the point we lost everything. Some of us to the point we had simply beaten ourselves down enough that we were finally ready to give up. Some of us never beat it.... never figured it out... those are the ones who were beaten, and are no longer with us.

And some of us - some lucky few - spotted it early and decided "You know what? I don't think I NEED to beat this thing. I can see where it's headed and I'm going to make a different choice NOW. Maybe there's a way to binge drink or to drink in some other 'controlled' way - but the potential cost is too high for me to try. I'm going to live a sober life and make THAT life as rich and wonderful as I possibly can at all cost. I can look at my life and see that I never got hungover when I wasn't drinking. Never alienated myself or others or lost friends or went to jail or felt ashamed or ANY of that when I wasn't drinking. Wow... hey.... there's something to this path and I want it."

Seems to me that you have the blessing of potentially being one of those people. And the only thing you have to do to 'get it through your head' is decide.

Simply choose.... and then take the steps that honor that choice.

you ever read the Big Book?

If you really want to dive into this and understand how you might get it through your head, give it a read.

You can pick one up at any AA meeting, or if you're not ready for that step yet, read it online here;

Big Book On Line - Table of Contents - Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Read the whole thing, including the personal narratives. It's a lot to read but it's an easy read and I gurantee that if you invest that time, you will learn some things that will be of use to you in your quest.

I'd suggest going to an AA meeting, spending time here, reading about AVRT or many of the other self paced methods, reading the Big Book, oor perhaps seeing a therapist since you mention anxiety. Or any combination of the above.

Or you could wait until the consequences of your drinking force you into it - but I would not recommend that.

^yep!

You'll believe it when you start to live it....

This is a very interesting thread, and one we must have all thought of, surely I wont have to break up completely with the love of my life... but even if you moderate, will you not always be thinking of next time you fall into its liquid embrace, how tempting and hwo utterly awful you will feel if you succumb... hangover plus guilt plus failure too...
Not a good recipie for life...
Maybe next time this love will harm you, break a bone, make you hurt someone, drive when drunk, burn you, make you throw up - all not so enticing after all...
Perhaps you can learn to laugh and have fun without this sick twisted partner... and shine at being yourself, pure and unadulterated!
Good luck, and don't waste too many years/months/days deciding :)

Okay. Therapy scheduled for Tuesday next week. Hope to make AA tomorrow night, found a place. Got a date with further internet research after a long work related meeting this evening.

Thank you all for answering my continuous self centered nonsense on this thread. I mean god you guys are great. And to a stranger.

:thanks

I just hope I don't waste all the stuff this thread is making me realize and think about a bit differently.

I completely understand the social anxiety part of it, that's why I started using. I have always been overweight and super self conscious about it . Talking to new people and especially women, was terrifying to me. When I got to college I founs alcohol. Liquid courage. It turned off all the negative things I thought about myself. Having fun equaled being drunk or high. I couldn't go on a date sober, I certainly couldn't talk to someone that was attractive sober. I found out later that women found me more attractive and people found me more pleasant to be around when I was sober. When I started going to meetings I met other people just like me that understood. I went out again because I missed the social life, but that life is not real. All my drinking and drug buddies aren't there when **** gets rough. Even though they have been in my life for 2/3 of it, I realize now all we really have a bond over is we like to get ****** up.Its gonna take time but I already know if I put some time and effort into it I will have heallty meaningful relationships that aren't centered on the bar and party scene.

MC Viking - I hope for that too.. friends who aren't fixated by alcohol... hope it works out!!!

Sorry parnellatwood

There is NO moderate drinking if you have a problem
and if you can not control the problem is growing...

You have not discovered yet that there is more to life than drinking!!!
you truly believe the only way to have fun is drinking!
I used to think like that!
How the hell I am going to go out and not drink????
Well it is possible!

The human body is not design to binge drink!
You are actually poisoning your body that is why you get as sick as as dog!
if you continue you will NOT enjoy life but alcoholism,
and is a HELL place to go!!!
Once you loose control completely......

please have a look at this video...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_dJ97Vwoup4

Hope you take the right decision!
Best wishes!

Anxiety is also my core issue, has been in my whole life. It helped nothing to know this and try to find ways to was it while I was drinking, for many reasons, the most important is that frequent alcohol drinking greatly exacerbates anxiety. For a good while I thought I had to tackle my anxiety first and then quitting drinking will be easier, life will be easier. No such luck. The drink had to go first. Now for me one of the key elements in recovery is to develop healthy ways for anxiety management. There are so many methods... it's actually quite interesting to experiment. A few are also working pretty well. So if anxiety is your problem, I suggest to commit to sobriety, forget the binge drinking, and start working on changing components of your life that you are not satisfied with. The more time you wait and hesitate, the longer you keep the obsession with drinking, the more difficult it all becomes.

Mcviking - On social anxiety related to weight issues. I had a pretty severe version of that when I was a kid: was overweight and constantly bullied by other kids. Don't think I was shy to start with, but years of this "social defeat" created a pretty persistent social anxiety in me that I struggle with sometimes even now at 40, albeit I no longer really perceive it as problematic or inhibitory. I lost the extra weight early at 10, but not in a healthy way... in an obsessive way, which led into years of a textbook eating disorder series that took me ~15 years to kinda beat. So I am familiar with these issues and how they can create enduring psychological problems. But like substance addictions, these are also better to tackle in healthy ways as early as possible.

There are also many easy and cool ways to socialize and meet people that absolutely do not require drinking. Does not even require out-of-the-box thinking.... I usually meet people through work and/or shared interests. Even groups. Many of these people still go out and engage in activities that involve drinking, but there no requirement for me to be part of those. I'm older than you, but remember well from my twenties (when I actually rarely drank, my biggest problem years with alcohol were my 30's) that there were plenty of young people and also interesting people from all age groups to socialize with and do interesting things with. Some were absolute non-drinkers. I think it's possible!