120 snuck up on me.
 

I realized I was feeling a little funky the last few days, and checked the Sobertime calculator. Alas, another milestone had come and with it brought a bit of the milestone Wonk.

But far less than it had been in over the last milestones of 30, 60, 90.

There is this new sort of clarity that has come upon me I have not ever known before. Ever. I'm not even sure how to quantify it other than an enlightenment that doesn't necessarily fall under the category of Spiritual.

It almost a feeling of a transcendence, like where lead turns to gold. A completion of sorts in order for new beginnings to break through. A journey that has come to pass and now there is a fork in the road.

The AV will have you know that I have entertained the typical nagging thoughts of "Hmmm, maybe I'm not..." That's one road.

I know where that road ends. And it aint pretty. It ends in physical and spiritual agony, squalor, desperation, lonliness, anxiety and depression. But the AV likes to make me think that everything I know, through proof time and time again, is actually wrong. But it entices me with advertisements of youth and fun and wild glory and being that I'm almost on the wrong side of 40, that appeals to the vanity seeking youthcentric ego that I battle.

The other road, I'm not sure where that one leads. But one thing I know for sure, in the last 4 months, there is not one single solid time that I reflect upon now and think, dang, booze would have made that experience SO MUCH BETTER. The holidays , the travels, the moments that have been emotionally challenging.

Did I want to drink through all of those ? Absolutely. But I didn't want the end result of what those drinks brought with them. Hell on earth.

So off the go into serving months 4-6. :) From what I hear, these days ahead will be both the most challenging sobriety wise. And also the most growth filled.

As the brain continues its healing in fits as starts, I'm cautiously optimistic.

There's no turning back now if I want to get out alive.

Congratulations AlphaOmega! Loved this post, the sober path is the only one for me and so far much better than the other one by a landslide!

Onwards AO :You_Rock_

Bestwishes, m

Thanks and congratulations, AO! This post was just what I needed to read today.

Congratulations!!!!

Here's to another 120!!!!

Big congrats xxxx :You_Rock_

Congratulations. And thank you for posting this!

Wow, fantastic progress AO ! Well done !!

Hi AlphaOmega, congratulations on 120 days, wooohoooo xxxxxxxx

I'm so glad you're doing well.

You seem to becoming adept at recognizing AV in your thoughts. It is very useful to put some distance between those identified thoughts and your own psyche. One way to do this is to appreciate that since you have quit drinking, AV is not you. What it wants is not what you want. What it says is not what you say. What it is, is not what you is. Well, that one doesn't scan so well but you know what I am trying to say here.

I think you are doing just fabulous, AO. Onward with your fine self!

Congrats on your 120 alpha! And uphill through some rough weather as well :c011:

Great post AO and congrats on 120 days :)

D

FS I did not really understand much of what you and I had chatted about. While I realize you were trying to help me until recently, I was unable to receive that help. While your program with the AV is different than mine, I now see that as you strip off definitions the awakening or enlightenment part. The detachment. As I continue to read and learn some of the Buddhist practice and execute through meditation I now understand that our thoughts as well as our actions don't cumulatively or individually make "I"

In short I think we are getting to the same point but in vastly different courses, which are now intersecting.


AO - thanks for your wonderful post sister! I know exactly what you mean regarding transcendence, as I am just now feeling this enlightening. I am tearing down the constructs of everything I was led to believe and brainwashed into believing, as it was all an illusion. Shedding of this skin is liberating like being a child again, open to the World.

I somehow don't think you will stumble with 4-6 - its all about you and you seem to have it going on! When one transcends time and space cease to matter. I appreciate the opportunity to be n this journey with you.

Great job on 120 Days!! :You_Rock_

Way to go, AO!!! :banana:

Alphaomega, 120 snuck up on me? You are FANTASTIC, congratulations. Rootin for ya. :egypt:

Grats on your 4 months

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us AO. :hug: We are so proud of you for reaching 120 days. You're doing great - and it'll keep getting better.

Congrats, AO! Fantastic!!

Awesomely good to see you still excited about staying clean and sober through both easy times and tough times and everything in between!!

Congratulations on your victory over mediocrity!!

Keep rocking alphaomega!!

:c011:

Your posts have been an inspiration to me. Thank you very much and know that you have never met me, but I take such heart in what you post. Bravo!

Fantastic!!

120 precious days

:ws_flower

"Cautiously optimistic". I like that. It means you truly believe you might just make it, for real. Congrats on your accomplishment, and keep doing what's got you here.

As always, alpha, I loved reading your comments.

There may be others besides me in sobriety who've experienced what is something like being in a state of grace. I know that this has been the case for me on several occasions. It isn't at all like the conventional kind of "happiness" that we're trained to throw around, as though happiness is a divine right and that the only way to get it is to work for it; as though it comes from some objective, external source, something we can purchase in all the meanings that word suggests. The right job, the perfect partner, plenty of money.

No, being in a state of grace is like nothing else I've ever experienced. It comes in very different sizes, shapes and colors, and I've been fortunate to have discovered it in the strangest of places. I'm reluctant to describe it in logical terms or by using definitions that are both delimiting and that carry surplus meaning, if only because to do so would trivialize the experience. But I'll give it a go. It's something like being and feeling safe, no matter what else is going on around me. It's something like an alignment of my better self with each moment in time and knowing that this is happening as it happens. And it comes with an overwhelming sense of peace. Appreciating these moments seems to open the possibility of future such moments.

For me, it's never been about "working harder" or doing it "the right way." I've learned that being open to the universe as it presents itself, embracing life's ambiguities, and being willing to traverse the abyss in order to get to a better place can make all the difference in the world.

I wish you and all of us in recovery a state of grace.

Congrats, sister. As always, beautifully written. Honored to be sharing the same path.

Lead on, girlfriend...lead on...

Damn Endgame. You took my breath again with your words.

This is prose perfection. You are the Lyrical Jesse James. :)

Thanks for always sharing your beautiful insights. I look forward to your posts. Congrats on 120!

Awesomely. Well. Said. :thanks