What if...
 

I am tired of fighting.
I want a better life!
I DESERVE a better life!

What if...I if I get rid of all the alcohol in the house and all the benzos? Would it help? I know I might be in hell for a few days, but I am in hell now knowing they're around.

What if?

I think you are on to something! :)

I want to do it, but I'm scared. What if I freak out in the middle of the night? What if I can't do this?

There's only one way to find out...

You're right - you DO deserve a better life. We all do.

That's definitely a place to start. It's much more haunting having the stuff around the house, and you knowing it's there. Get rid of it and see how you do.

Get rid of it and start the process of recovery. :hug:

I got rid of half of it. And I'm crying as if I'd thrown my favourite shoes into the garbage bin. I actually feel like the day I told my ex I wanted the divorce. I don't know if I can go on with my life alone but at the same time I can't live with a cheater anymore! Does it make sense?
I think I'm losing my mind!

Were the benzoes prescribed Patricia?

D

Patricia, if you get rid of the other 1/2's you will become whole! The initial pain and discomfort will go away in time, YOU DO DESERVE A BETTER LIFE! And so shall you have one if you hold on for the ride. Only you can do it , with the help of all the great people on SR, IMHO! You Go Girl! Stay Strong and Well!

Yes Dee. Some silly weekend doctor gave a prescription for 50 lorazepam. I have been taking only one a day but I know this is going to be a problem. I already have horrible panic attacks when the effects wear off.

Do you have a regular Dr?

I don't know much about benzoes but I think a little professional input is always a good idea?

D

Yes I have a family doctor. But he's on holidays until the 26th. I don't trust the other doctors in the clinic. All the do is give you more prescriptions...and gosh that's the last thing I need: withdrawals from alcohol and side effects from SSRIs...or more addictions from benzos...I just want to be clean! But I am terrified!

All the wine and rum are outside in the garbage can. I am in Canada...even if I change my mind, everything will be frozen in within 30 minutes. And tomorrow is garbage day.
I didn't throw away the benzos yet. I need to hide in the laundry room and have a good cry first.
:headbange

sheeeweeee. that fear of the unknown- fear of what life would be like clean and sober- was a bugger for me. but I was given the greatest gift I had ever been given:
the gift of desperation. I knew if I kept goin on like I was, there wasn't gonna be a good ending( unless a self inflicted bottle/pill wound would be considered a good end).
so I narrowed it down to 2 choices: death or get help.
but,man, getting help was scarey!!! what was I gonna have to do? what was gonna happen? could I possibly stop drinkin/drugging and have a life?all I had been doin anyways was just existing! I knew I couldn't help myself and my thinkin surely wasn't gonna help as that's how I got to the point of desperation.
there was only one way to find out: get some courage and make a decision to go to any lengths for victory over alcoholism/addiction.
it was scarey. everything, I mean EVERYTHING was new.
but i kept the courage to face everything and learn how to live sober.
courage was the 2nd greatest gift i have ever been given.

something i hope will put a smile on yer face:
"I think I'm losing my mind! "
ya still got a mind to lose!!:lmao


prayers out for ya!

What happens, exactly, when you freak out?

I get waves of panic all day long, not quite panic attacks but waves of panic and paranoid thoughts that just keep me paralyzed and unable to function.

How do I get that courage Tomsteve? I feel like a complete failure right now.

Sorry you're in such a pickle. A lot of us have been in that same boat, and I am sure that 100% of us who have ditched the pills and the booze will say that we have a better (if not more manageable) life today. Your addiction will continue to tell you that you need these things, and it's a very powerful vice. I hope your better half that knows what's best will win this battle.

Are you on the east coast or west coast?

I'm in BC as well but Mountain Time.