Beating myself up again.
 

I am 3+ mo.s sober. I go through periods of depression and beating myself up for my past drunken behavior. That drunken person is so not me, but the things I did are sickening. I wish I didn't go through these overwhelming feelings. I am healthy and am feeling pretty good the majority of the time but this onrush of regret and remorse is debilitating. I have been praying for some relief but it comes in its own time.

Your post makes me sad for you. You need to forgive yourself and move on. What is done is done, and you have stopped drinking so it won't happen again. I will be praying that you can let it go. Big hugs.

I hear you.

There is no material difference between what I have done drunk and what people in prison, the hospital or the graveyard did drunk. Yet, here I sit, comfortable and prosperous.

I can't make sense of it, and sometimes it is overwhelming.

The only way I can make it right in my head is to conclude that I owe. I am in debt to the universe, the Godhead, fate, whatever you want to call it. I got some free passes, some credits, I did not deserve and have not earned, and I need to pay them back.

Part of the payback plan is to stay sober. That much I know. I am still working on the rest. Right now I don't know how I'll know when the debt is paid, but I think I'll just know. :)

Be well.

Have you considered seeing a counselor or some face to face support to help you move on? The simple fact is that nothing you do or no amount of worry will ever change the past. Taking care of yourself and moving forward will make today and tomorrow much brighter though. 3 months is a great achievement, you should be proud and working on protecting that rather than dwelling on things you have no control ( and never will have control ) over.

Everyone on this site has done stupid sickening things. You have to realize that was the alcohol not YOU. You have to leave this in the past or it will destroy you. I think this is part of the disease. It is trying to "guilt" you so you will cave and say "well I guess I'm a drunk so I might as well drink and be that obnoxious person". Do not listen to those voices anymore. Right now let go of the past. Today is a new day. You cannot go back in time and you need to forgive yourself right now. The baggage you are carrying is not healthy. I have done so many embarrassing things that if I kept them with me, I don't think I could stay focused on not drinking. I can tell you are a good person. Let's do this together. Let go of the past and stay focused on today. Today will be a good day for you.

I will pray for relief for you, but please be nice to yourself and let the new you shine. The new you deserves a chance. Let that old person go. Good luck.

I had to stop beating myself up before I got better. We never asked to be addicted to alcohol, nor to behave in the way it makes us. Stay well xxx

I experienced the same thing as you. I was overwhelmed at times by the onrush of shame and guilt, seemingly out of nowhere. Finally, someone suggested that I write/journal my feelings. Once I started to do that, the emotions quickly began to lose their impact. The writing became a release.

I really hope you find a way to let go of those negative feelings.