The sobering truth
 

I am new here. I have only been sober for 2 days and I do not know if it really counts as I have been given medications to manage my withdrawal symptoms. Intellectually I accept that I am an alcoholic/addict. The truth is I accepted this as a fact months ago. It is not hard to intellectually grasp that you are chemically dependent when you have to take vacation time from work because you are basically bed ridden with the "benzo flu" and the shakes. However, I am having a very difficult time grasping these facts emotionally. I am a well-educated, affluent young professional. I have a family, I do volunteer work, I have never had a brush with the law or any other trouble. No one would ever think I am an alcoholic or a drug addict. Yet I am both and I have no idea how I let this happen...

Sorry to be so verbose. Having a long kind of scary day.

Welcome LegallyBrunette! Glad you found SR. You picked a great place to get help. You will find a lot of support and understanding here. Keep reading and posting!

I have a similar story- how and when still echo in my brain 3 months later. Maybe years down the sobriety trail I'll figure it out, but truthfully it is less important now than it once was. All that really concerns me now is "one more day" :). I hope you grasp on to it as well. Addictions come in all types of people with all types of backgrounds and stories. What binds us as a family is the beast itself. Welcome to SR- dont let today be so scary- grab our hands and take a step toward a MUCH better life. Congrats on your beginning!!!!!!

Welcome LB. Alcoholics and addicts are sprinkled through out the worlds population in ALL segments of society, Drs., lawyers, commercial pilots, certainly politicians, judges and on and on.
A successful start in turning around our addiction is being honest with ourselves about our problem and not whitewash it with what we would like it to be. My bottom line is I can not drink alcohol in safety, even after many years of abstinence. A long time ago I needed/need AA for my guidance to stay stopped drinking wise. There are other methods that work but I'm not sure of their longevity statistics.
A big thing that helped me was being told to keep coming.:lmao

BE WELL

Welcome, LB. You're not to the first benzo/booze hound to grace these pages. And you are wise to begin tackling this problem while you still have the job, family, volunteer position...

...it's said to be a progressive illness, and I can attest to that.

SR is a great place to begin your sober journey. I was a tad confused by your post, however. Are the benzos just something your doctor prescribed to help with the alcohol withdrawal? Or are they part of your daily regimen.

It was the two-fold hammer of benzos and booze that did me in.

Welcome. Post. Read. Share. It works.

What is so odd is if I am in a moment of being totally honest with myself I've known I had a problem for years. I just sort of avoided addressing it internally. Finally a number of things pushed me over the edge.

The first being that 6 months ago an ex who I've always been very emotionally connected to hit a point with his drinking he missed several filing deadlines (we're both attorneys), began engaging in very high risk behaviors, etc. I dropped everything to rush across the country and help force him into treatment. At 6 months sober he wrote me a very heartfelt amends letter. And he asked me to forgive him for not trying to help me. I was like "woah this guy has been off the charts dysfunctional for two years and he sees I have problems. Maybe I do have problems."

The second was an overdose. It was accidental but it made me realize my physical dependence and realizing I was physically dependent hit me like a ton of bricks.

I did what I was supposed to do. I immediately went to an addiction medicine specialist, I got a therapist, I made a plan and started to executing. I am just having such a hard time actually getting out there and engaging in recovery because this is not supposed to be happening to me. I am glad I found this board and I am hoping it will help me get the confidence to leave my house and actually go to a meeting.

Thank you all very much.

No the Xanax and Ativan started to treat anxiety. I fooled myself into believing they were medically necessary and became addicted. My daily regimen included about 8 mgs of Xanax I was prescribed 2. The level of denial I had to engage in to take that dosage is shocking to me. Particularly given the combination w/ alcohol.

Currently I am prescribed anti seizure meds and am on a Flumenizal infusion and a couple of other things to detox safely.

Well, one of the symptoms of addiction is denial, so it should come to no surprise that you can't accept it.

Acceptance will come. In my case it came in the wake of the struggles I had to quit. Folks without addictions should be able to quit when they decide they need to. I couldn't.

I can also tell you I gained a lot more insight to my problem at about 30 days sober, which gave me the distance to be objective about my problem. With that came acceptance and the knowledge that I could never drink again.

Good luck to you.

Benzos are the WORST. I wish you nothing but the best luck.

WHY not? A huge part of recovery is acceptance, letting go of control we don't have! Most of us drank because of people, places and things issues.
Acceptance for me is I CAN'T drink in safety.

I know a fair number of attorneys and doctors who attend non public meetings of their peers which you should be able to find with a little sniffing. I personally don't care for them but they fulfill a need.

BE WELL

Well, I was on 20 milligrams of Klonopin a day, prescribed by my well-thought-of shrink for panic and generalized anxiety disorder, and of course washed them down with craft beers.

I was a professional, too, until I reached that state of mind which benzodiazepines can bring us to, that emotion I craved -- complete apathy.

So I took a buy out and went on a year-long spree that helped me dig that bottom many of us have to reach before we realize we need to get sober.

I have no experience with a benzodiazepine receptor antagonist, but I see it is used for benzodiazepine overdose.

Does your doctor think it will help with benzo withdrawal? That's interesting.

Yeah, 8 milligrams of Xanax a day is a pretty solid habit. Is your addiction specialist versed in benzo withdrawal? I don't mean to scare you, but I sobered up from benzos and booze and the first few days were pretty bad, but it was about the two week mark off benzos that I sort of lost it (like 10 days in a psych ward).

The alcohol detox wasn't pretty, but was nothing compared to the benzo withdrawal that kicked in at about two weeks out.

And don't freak out about getting to a meeting. I dabbled in recovery a decade or so ago and stumbled into an AA meeting. Nothing but doctors, lawyers, hacks, flaks, all my kind of people.

Hey it's great you are here. I am professionally employed as well- At it's root addiction is a biological thing - some of us are more vulnerable than the rest of the population. Thinking back - I recall that I always loved a good buzz, where-ever it came from.

Now I avoid intoxicants for my own health and well being. The shame, struggle and torment are no longer part of my life

Staying sober is a lot easier than getting sober

First I want to say I am glad you are here. This is a great support system.

Second, I understand. I was an alcoholic for years before I fell over the edge. I hid behind the functional alcoholic curtain for like....forever. I knew I was an alcoholic but honestly I did not want to do anything about it until I no longer had a choice because I was on the verge of not being able to function.

Hang in there. Take it one day at a time. Jump in and look around. There is a lot of information and support here.

Memphis: My doctor focuses his practice on benzo tapering/detox. Flumenizal infusion is but one method used to help w/ the withdrawal. I am hoping it keeps me out of the psych ward. Basically I have a small pump that I will be connected to for the next 5 days (7 total) and well if this is "helping" I cannot imagine what crap I would otherwise feel like.

LegallyBrunette, you can start here, AA Big Book Online

Big Book Online Fourth Edition
Linked With Permission Of AA World Service,inc

Meetings are a breeze, alcoholism and addiction does not discriminate. You will be just one of many professionals there. But no one really cares what we do in AA for a living. And it really is not adverstised. We are just a bunch of drunks with a desire to get sober. Don't put it off, you will find such relief there and great hope!

NA recognizes alcohol as a drug you may like it as well. I do both,

Welcome LB! :) You have some great responses already. It's such a relief to be where we are really understood - I'm so glad you found us.

Well done, you have been off the drink for two days and people often need medication to help with withdrawal. You have come to the right place x

I'm a professional - strict religious background - addiction is not a moral, intellectual, or financial weakness. It's good you are realizing this before you keep digging a deeper hole. Your bottoms will get lower - I know from experience. I NEVER EVER thought I would be there. In the Big Book there is a story - "Acceptance Was the Answer" and "Crossing the River of Denial" The latter story is about a young professional woman who started off with small problems, then kept setting lower and lower bottoms- all because she just couldn't have a problem?? I'm personally so grateful I found my recovery and AA because it addresses so many issues I have always had in my life. I think society would have us believe that the travesties of the likes of Lindsey Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Lisa Robin Kelly - there is some moral degrading/disgusting pathetic-ism about them - it's just the opposite.

Some great advice here Legally Brunette :)

Like others have said acceptance for me came a little later - I just couldn't ignore the fact my story was played out so often in other people's stories here.

I'm one of them - and thats ok - there's good people here :)
D

LB one of the things I've learned is that addiction isn't fussy about who hosts it. Yeah my life and job would suggest I shouldn't be an alcoholic. House, business, online volunteer, care for my mother in our home etc, despite all that I'm alcoholic. Even though I stopped in March it took me a long while to accept inside me that I'm an alcoholic. I kept thinking maybe I'm not, maybe this, maybe that...I am, I can't stop at one drink.

Work on your recovery, don't try to force the emotional acceptance, it will come.

Hi there. I'm on day 6 and I'm really struggling with going to meetings as well. Though I'm also a lawyer and have kids and do the PTA thing and ALL that, at heart I am very shy and self-conscious with a lot of social anxiety -- so walking into a meeting is very scary to me, despite everyone's assurances of how accepting it is, etc. This is because my fear of the meetings isn't rational. So I keep telling myself I just have to decide to go. I look at times, I think about going and then I chicken out. I don't want to leave my house at all, in fact.

Let me know if you decide to try and go to one. I'd be willing to do a "I'll go if you go" agreement. We could each go and come back and report here how it was. Just the thought of it terrifies me! So silly but it just does. Maybe I'll start a new thread with the if-you-go-I'll-go idea.

Jackie 122213

Everyone has to start somewhere, yes your on meds to deal with withdrawals, but that's a better compromise than still drinking for the last 48hrs, eventually the meds will taper down and you'll not be on them either.

You'll find a lot of alcoholics hold down jobs, get up in the morning at the sound of the alarm clock, struggle through the hangovers and no one knows any different, but we do, the hangovers in the morning getting worse, spending more and more time in the bathroom in the mornings etc . . . I've certainly got that T-Shirt!!

I never lost my license, never arrested, never lost a job, and because of that it's easy to continue drinking, there's no rock bottom moment, which is why I too realised there may be a problem and waited months before doing anything about it.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over not taking action sooner, the cycle of any addiction is difficult to break.

The main thing is your here now, committed to making that change, and you'll find loads of support here!! :)

12213 I will take you up on the if you go I'll go approach. I know I need the support of a group but I lack the confidence to take that step so something like that would help me a lot.

Well, LG, I am very impressed that practitioners are beginning to acknowledge what a complicated and unique experience benzodiazepine withdrawal is. Flumenizal seems like a very new and potentially helpful drug for benzo withdrawal.

I will look into it more.

Please do share your experience with it here on SR. I participate in some benzo support forums as well as SR and have seen nary a mention of Flumenizal.

Most benzo heads are treated harshly in rehabs, simply going cold turkey as if it was coke, meth, heroin, etc.

Anything that would mitigate the protracted withdrawal symptoms many of us experience post acute detox would go a God send. My experience included seizures and psychosis about two weeks following my last dosage, but I was on a clonazepam equivalent of 400 milligrams of Valium daily and I also went cold turkey. An extreme case, I suspect, and not advised.

That you have found a doctor specializing in benzo withdrawal speaks to the medical profession slowly waking up to the hazards of these drugs. How doctors can willingly go along and be complicit in our addiction is beyond me.

Thanks for posting here.

Do know that you never have to go through this again.

Legallybrunette, I know that denial was huge for me. I started using alcohol to self-medicate insomnia/anxiety/depression. I told myself that it would help and that I needed it in order to function. I had a stressful job, two teenagers and husband who travelled constantly. I told myself there was no other way to manage. I quickly became addicted and lived in denial for a couple of years. At that point, I knew I was going to have to stop drinking for good, but it still took most of another year for me to make that happen.

I know I didn't fully accept that I was an alcoholic for the first few weeks of recovery. But, after a few weeks, acceptance settled in and things became easier.

Memphis:

I am sorry you had to go through what you did. I knew that I could not even make an attempt to do a cold turkey withdrawal. I read enough on the Internet to become too terrified to even try it. When I asked my primary care physician for assistance his response was "why would you want to give up this medication it has cured your anxiety?" I met my treating doctor and immediately he "got it" and new what to do and so here I am with the Flumenazil pump and all my anti convulsants.

This treatment is more common in Australia & the UK. In fact here in the U.S. there are only three treatment facilities offering it. I was lucky one is here in my city. Luckier still they're not requiring me to be hospitalized. I just go in once a day for 5 days to be monitored. I can say I feel much better than I imagine many coming off benzos do. Basically I feel like I have a bad flu but have not at least yet had any of the psychological symptoms and as of yet no craving for benzos. My infusion process will be over Monday but my doctor expects to leave me on anticonvulsants for about 2 months. Some evidence suggests that the drug may assist in GABBA transmitter repair after benzos so it is possible if I continue to struggle with physical withdrawal and the disassociation type symptoms I will go through another infusion.

There is a video (I cannot post links on here because I am new) that shows how the pump works and an overview of the treatment.

These drugs are so incredibly misunderstood. I am an alcoholic/addict so had my doctor warned me when prescribing this medication that it was highly addictive I probably would've taken it any way. However, it makes me angry that many others would not if they only knew the power and hold these drugs can quickly take. It also makes me angry that people are not more frequently warned not that cold turkey off this class of drugs can kill you and that most mainstream treatment facilities have no idea how to treat them. Only by the grace of God do I live in a city where I have access to a specialist and the resources to pay for treatment insurance will not cover because benzos are not well understood. I guess that is something I can be thankful for while I am otherwise sitting around feeling sorry for myself that I need to be sober.

Okay, LB, you've got a deal on the meeting thing.

Welcome to SR, LegallyBrunette! You're very smart to be using medical help and medication to help quit. Much smarter than going it alone like I did!

It's very good to have you here. SR is a great place, and you will fit right in!:ring

Welcome LB,

I think you and 1222 might have something going here. There has been so many great responses here that it is heart warming. When I was drinking, the center of the crowd in where I was, but after getting sober over a year ago I realized I am actually a pretty shy guy. I have been attending the same AA meeting for a year now with maybe a handful in between. I could write forever on that topic, but I must say that time has allowed myself to come out of my shell a bit and it just gets better and easier every day!

One Day At Time!!

Matt