The doc´s news
 

Today I went to my psychiatrist,

I had to explain what I had been up to in 3 months.....
Not very pleased with me but I told him, what is the point of lying.

About 3 weeks ago, my left eye lid has been pulling down constantly,
gets stuck and goes back up...

And after taking notes the Doc has said that:
It is not a normal tick... and I am damaging my nerves system,
I need to go to a Neurologist...
and should not been drinking, smoking pot,... antidepressants and I did not tell him about the benzo of the other night cos he will go mad...

I told him about my loss of concentration, I can barely concentrate....
at work a nightmare..
but I really am not ready to walk by myself...
I nearly hurt myself I was so desperate... I do not want to go back to that...
I really need the meds.

So I got more pills and some new ones at night... and more vitamine B12...

But Guess What...:scorebad
the first thing I do is got to paint class, open the fridge and started drinking,
For a very long time I have never drunk in my classes... and after I did a phone call got in the car and back to smoke...

THE FIRST THING HE TOLD ME NOT TO...
THE FIRST THING I DO...
WHY AM I SUCH %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

I am damaging my nervous system and I get out and got up to my eye balls...
I really need to stop, I can not control...

Got very important stuff at work and have to prepare the trip.
I do not know how %%%%% Heavens I am going to get an urgent visit to the Neurologist
bc what ever happens I am going away.
I am not cancelling the trip if I stay here I will BE on holiday at home and alone.
really bad thing...

I AN VERY UPSET WITH MYSELF :headbange:headbange:headbange

Make today the day you quit!

I dunno what to tell you Aiko except that without change you're just setting yourself up not only for more of the same, but worse?

D

I is getting worse...

and my two friends that support me are threatening me to stop...
Not to come to their door with problems they wont´n help me if I continue....
and forgave me to be drinking/using in front of them...
I can not even talk right and they would notice...

I do not feel well :cries3::cries3::cries3:
But I keep on doing it bc I said I was stopping on the 7th...
I need to take a bit more before I stop...
But I am getting ill and am working and family...
It is so %%%%%%%hard!!!

Got work 4 more days... and 2 important meetings...
my head does not work my eye wants to shut...
I have to cope up to the 7th and good...
But it is my chance to get my head a bit straight to think...

I must have been such a Female Dog in my other life...... No Joke...

Noone is beyond hope Aiko...but you have some really big decisions to make, I think.

D

Aiko

Apologies for my ignorance but is there no way you can stop now ? It sounds as if your issues are getting worse with the drinking. What is stopping you from stopping now ?

Cos I have a few days of FALSE FREEDOM.......

Giving up for good it is a very hard and important decision...
I take it I must maintain it...

I have been trying to keep away for a long time now...
and want to take bc I know I have to stop.
I like it or Not
I am not ready, on the 7th I will I have to...
but I am hurting myself a few days more and will stop..

I can not stop my life literally so
will have to call it a day and give up definetly...

Maybe one day I will reading this back...
What an Idiot I was...
But how lucky I was...

Stop now today, before you cause yourself anymore physical or emotional damage.

You never know which drink is going to be the one that causes more nerve damage or other problems.

Sorry to hear

The seesaw in your signature says it all Aiko. You know what I found hardest about sobriety and recovery? To decide once and for all that I'm not drinking again ever. I dithered... next month, next year, by the time I turn (you fill in the age), before I .... , after I .... Decades went by. On March 9th I made the decision, I told Dee & people in my SR class. Once I decided everything else was easier, not easy, but easier. The dithering went and I could concentrate on staying sober.

Aiko, if i were you i wouldn't wait around on this. A lot of things can go very wrong between now and the 7th. How are you going to get through this trip when you have just quit? Will you have access to medical assistance if you need it? I hope you find a recovery method that works for you. Best wishes.

I Want to stop but not today...

as I write my eye pulls down :cries3:
I am going to call it a day...
I will stop...
this is starting to get nasty... I have to stop....

My heart some days bits weird... I am only 38...
My family needs me...

I have no escape than to CHANGE OR HURT my Loves Ones...

I really am lucky... So many people Loves me...
I can count more than two hands... they really do...
their faces light up when they see me!!!
and my heart smiles...

Aiko,
I really think you seriously need to consider rehab. Some time away from the pills and booze could give you that head start you so obviously need. You have no control so for a time you need control imposed on you until you are well enough to take over the reins.

better to admit and surrender to your problem before you make some really serious screwups. Most people respond positively to honesty and genuine need for help.

Please consider rehab or get to some AA meetings.

All the best
caiHong

I would also suggest you consider rehab Aiko. It may be the only thing that can save you at this point since you are ignoring all the warnings of those around you and your own body .

I've read some of your posts. Your health is at risk yet,you say you want to stop drinking yet keep comging up with reasons not to quit. Tomorrow never comes.I'm not unsympathetic- we've all done it,saying we;ll quit when x,y z happens or doesn't happen. It never does though. If you aren't going to quit today what makes you think i n10 days time will be any different

Maybe just look to not drinking today. Do whatever it takes-AA,AVRT,rehab,SR anything. Playing with your health is no joke. Nothing will change ifyou don't make changes-it will justget worse and out ofyour control. I hope you decide to quit today

Aiko firstly I'm sorry you were struck with overwhelmingly bad medical news. If you can't stop after the appointment, then you HAVE to get outside help with this. Yes the body and nervous system are capable of healing themselves BUT, there is an expiration date and a point of no return. It's sounds a bit like alcohol neuropathy.

Right now you have the power to change your future. Do you want to live? Or do you want to drink? The second route offers irreversible nerve and brain damage beyond repair, strokes, loss of mobility, speech, job, family, friends, home and LIFE!!!

Please take your holiday time to get well!! You only get so many chances! Let this be yours!

Aiko
How are you today? have you considered rehab. I know when I was thinking about getting sober it was suggested that I would probably need to go to rehab for 6 months.

That was totally out of the question, work and all and I thought it not unnecessary. I settled for AA meetings. Two and a half years down the track, knowing what I know now it's something that I would consider although 1 month would be sufficient. I Am very open to suggestion. LOl.
CaiHong

Dear friends...

I took the decision on the 7th...
and am scared... :cries3:
my friend told me today to start cutting down before the trip.
He is worried bc he is a pharmacist and knows all I take...
but I do not want to... since 20/02/12 I have been fighting it.
I want to drink/use in peace before my trip...
and then I will get up the walls craving it
but just need this break from fighting it!

This is my Home made Rehab!!!!
From O cebreiro to Santiago... 9 days 4 planes and 133 km walking
and a pile of pills...
PRICELESS

but the day before Neurologist appointment.
Just realized will have to explain to a Stranger my habits...
God hat is going to be hard...

Thank you for putting up with me...
I do listen but after I always do What I have engraved in my skull.
I promised the 7th and the 7th will be it. Goddddddd :cries3::cries3::cries3:

The 7 th of what, November? To do what?
In the end it is your decision and I wish you all the best and you get the miracle of sobriety.
And the along the way you don't cause too much damage to yourself.

Caihong

Aiko, I am really concerned. A 10 day walking trip in a very rural area when you are beginning to detox is putting yourself out of the reach of immediate medical care if necessary. If you are on a number of substances like me (I detoxed from alcohol and benzos) it can get really tricky very quickly.

I did a 3 day inpatient detox under medical supervision. The first month I was a bit erratic weak and confused. I worry about you being in a situation where you might have to press on because of others and not be able to get help quickly.

I know you have struggled with this. I understand this is an important holiday to you, but could you use the time to go to rehab?

Unfortunately, the pattern that has emerged for you, one that you have created, now includes two unappealing but strangely compulsory alternatives, each of which is potentially lethal.

I'm at a loss as to how to help someone who seems determined to destroy himself. I'm concerned, and genuinely don't know how it is that you continue to bring increasing harm to yourself and others, as though there were no limit and no endpoint in you're quest for self destruction.

I'm also concerned -- no, deeply disturbed -- by your doc's continuing collaboration (Perhaps unwitting?) in your inexorable march to hell.

The road to hell is paved with bad excuses.

Seriously I will be fine...

It is not the first time... I get very nervous... but will be walking and walking...
I have very strong will...
and got a pile of pills...
anti-epileptic , anti-depresants,... and my favourite the blue ones if I get very desperate...
I might get arrested in the airport :lmao

the worse one was last year when I stopped Lorazepan+valium...
I was for a week nearly crazy. And I survived!!!

EndGameNYC

I loved your sentence paving with excuses but:
I am not excusing myself nor putting a pavement to get head injured...
I am determined!!!
but need one more week!!!

I shall let you know when I have done it... :scoregood

If that keeps you from collapsing and that's what it takes for you to get help....
Like Jaynie, I am concerned about you taking a walking trip in your condition.
This is insane, please reconsider.

Aiko- we are all feeling the same thing bc we have been there. You think you are thinking rationally but you are not. You can't right now. So everyone here just cares. None of us know you other than the words but we can all relate and we know how close you are on the edge, we can see this bc we are sober. You are showing all the late signs and we know how this movie ends, unfortunately.

You have been given some good advice, hopefully 10% sinks in...this is dangerous ****.

You remind me of a friend I used to call The Pharmacist. He had a pill for everything. Too high on the blow take some benzos, tripping too hard here is some Molly. He had all signs you do. Then we were partying one night and he was not that screwed up, he just went into seizures and started foaming at the mouth and like that was gone. You never know when it's your time. If you have to wait till the 7th there is nothing we can do but pray for you. But if you can't even tell your mom about your disease, I am sure she certainly would not want that phone call.

Stay safe, keep posting, I for one care and want to make sure your alive. Stay safe.

I also think it's crazy to go rural walking when withdrawing. Alcohol withdrawal is serious-you could die. The fact your friend is a pharmacist isn't going to be any help at all if you have a seizure and/or need A&E care.

I'm glad your friend has expressed his concerns. Maybe he will cancel the trip. You say you can't stop drinking today-it seems as if you aren't really trying or bothered about stopping now-it's just some mystical date in the future. We've all been there -it's easy to say we'll quit tomorrow but you know tomorrownever comes.There will always be a reason/excuse/need to put it off till tomorrow again. What makes you think 7th will be any different. You're playing with fire and your life but no matter what anyone says seems to make any difference.This isn't a game. I agree,rehab seems sensible as you are unable to quit alone. I hpe you make enquiries and consider rehab instead of walking.

"and should not been drinking, smoking pot,... antidepressants and I did not tell him about the benzo of the other night cos he will go mad..."

Alcohol consumption is bad enough alone but mixing it with all of the above??? You NEED to get ALL the help you can and quit otherwise you can end up with a permanent damage for life.

Please take this seriously.
I am sending you lots of cyber hugs xxxx

"Seriously I will be fine...

It is not the first time... I get very nervous... but will be walking and walking...
I have very strong will...
and got a pile of pills...
anti-epileptic , anti-depresants,... and my favourite the blue ones if I get very desperate...
I might get arrested in the airport" :lmao

For the life of me, I don't see the point of your using smilies in your comments that indicate laughter, and then success. Given your own comments about your behavior, it's entirely possible that you will be arrested at the airport, and there's nothing funny about that.

You take seriously enough your self-destructive behaviors that you comment about them here, yet you apparently do nothing else about them beyond placing them within humorous contexts that predict ultimate success for you by essentially doing the same things you've always been doing.

You've been skidding off the rails for some time, and tacking on an additional six or seven days before you get real help seems crazy to me. If you actually do get sober, you need to start being completely honest with your psychiatrist and other healthcare professionals.

I don't even know what all this means.

Do you at all appreciate that you're slowly killing yourself? Or that you're narrating your own demise, both literally and figuratively, here on SR?

A guy told me that doing the same thing over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. If you have tried to quit and relasped I guess we are guilty of being insane to some degree. If you are insane then your mind is broken. If you have a broken mind how are you expected to fix yourself? Its a never ending downward spiral.

At some point you have to reach out and let others help. Others that are sober and can see intelligently that you are in full on self destruction. This is what we are all saying. You can't help yourself now now matter what you do. In fact, your Doc should get a clue and should have the decency to stop supporting your suicide. This is perhaps what your friends are doing.

Tell someone the pain you are in so they can help get you to a rehab and detox safely. Trust me a month, two maybe six months you will look back and be so grateful you did this. Bascially we areo n the otherside telling you you can get free from this spell but you have to accept hte help of others bc your in the grips of your own self destruction.

Alko: Your posts seem to me to be a classic example of a disaster waiting to happen. From the looks of things you are headed for serious trouble, putting yourself at risk in a foreign land. You say you'll be fine, with your packet of pills. That's the problem- the pills. You say you'll quit on the "7th". That's what everyone says, that they'll quit "tomorrow" and that never comes. It's very simple. Unless you face up to this and quit kidding yourself you're going to be in very very serious trouble.
Do keep posting on this website. We don't want to be judgmental. But we owe it to you to try to keep you from doing something which could be disastrous. The very first priority should be to cancel the trip. The second should be to seek the best medical help, a rehab and aftercare. Your life is at stake. Do it today. Forget about always talking about "tomorrow".

W.