afraid
 

I am not sure what brought me to this forum but i really am at the end of my tether with myself. I have been in rehab twice and in and out of AA for about four years. I have had a pretty bad relapse and everything seems to be falling apart at the seams. I am frightened of my addiction and inability to cope. I live alone so my family don't know, i am.decieving everyone.. My finances are a mess, ive fallen seriously behind at University, and i just feel so lost and afraid. I am sober tonight but can only get a couple days max then back on it. I also have bulimia really bad and thats impacting on my life in the same way. I guess Im hoping for some identification and hope. I don't want this disease controlling me and putting me in an early grave.

Hi Try18 :)

SR really helped me get my life together and turn things around - I know you'll find that kind of help here too.

Read around and post as much as you like - I think support is very important.

Welcome :)

D

Thankyou :)

So glad you have reached out Try18, this site really helps, I also go to AA and I am staying sober which is great... Deep breaths, you have the desire to stop and that is amazing x

I am really quite scared. I can feel the alcohol leaving my system, i drank so much on Friday. I know withdrawals pass but they make me too scared to sleep.

:scorebad welcome Try 18
You don't know it yet but you are halfway home. You have decided you want to and or
have to change. Slavery is so....yesterday. I have 1 year and 3 months sober and never
knew life could be this different. Please remember there is hope and help waiting if you need it.
Artful

Thankyou Artful that made my eyes fill up!

Hi and welcome Try18,
It sounds like your life has become unmanageable and you clearly see that. You said you have been in and out of AA for a number of years, how involved were you with the 12 step program?
It's great that you are reaching out. keep reading and posting

All the best
caiHong

Remember how you feel right now, and ask yourself if it's worth it? That is what helped get me sober.

I never completed the twelve steps. I was in a group and doing lots of meetings when i was staying sober. It just never lasts. I seem to be inclined towards self sabotage!

Thanks Ratso. It is definitely not worth it. It's insanity!!!

Try,
i was in your shoes too, i was drinking too much in school. i washed out of some of my classes too. but you can get control of this, i did. i am honest it is difficult, but you can do it. i was in AA also. but i have to give this place alot of credit to my soberity today. i have almost 11 months as of now. there is a chat room here normally with people in it who all love to help any one.
please dont give up.

Thankyou for giving me hope, Robgt350.

try

ur welcome

Hi Try18.

Bulimia and alcohol dependence is a potent and dangerous combination. If you're not currently doing so, I strongly recommend that you see a trained professional for your condition. A fair amount of people trained in the treatment of bulimia are also proficient in treating alcohol dependence.

Glad to meet you Try! :hug:

Be happy you are taking action now. I waited until my life was in ruins - always intended to quit but never made it until I almost lost my life. This won't happen to you! It feels so good to be free of it. You won't be missing a thing.

If you can get a couple of days, you can get more time. Planning is the key word, and lack of a plan is what causes failure so often in very early sobriety. Not surprising at all...I mean alcoholics and addicts a terrible at planning, unless it's planning where to get just one more drink.

You can do this!

Have you ever seen the website "SomethingFishy?" It's a website very similar to this one but for eating disorder recovery. I am so glad you are here. Do you have a therapist or any professional support at the moment? Eating disorders are addictions too and need to be addressed too.

Thankyou for all your messages. Managed a few hours sleep on and off ...this morning that all familiar drenched bed sheets from sweating all that poison out.

I have a therapist but due to being so chaotic lately i had been missing appointments. I called him last week though and am seeing him this week. I also have a psychiatrist appointment in a fortnight.

I know i need to swallow my pride and get back to AA. I really scared of flunking my course but Will speak to someone there this week too.

It is a vicious cycle, the bulimia and the alcohol abuse. Sometimes i feel it is all just too much and i Will never be free of it, despite wanting to be. It is as if i am to scared to be present in life and want to be constantly numb. Does that make sense? I really want to change.

So glad i wrote here last night.

Things will gradually improve if you stop.

The insane mind of the alcoholic! Now the cravings are kicking in. I am determined i Will get through today.

Try, I feel your pain. I am not young, and have been "in" AA for many years, with a lot of sober periods, long ones. But my life has totally fallen apart in the last year. I finally gave up and did rehab #3-just got out a few days ago.

In there we had a family meeting one day and I got honest about all the secrets I have been hiding from my bf. It was very hard to throw it all out there but such a relief. We are working through things, and I have HUGE messes to clean up in every area of my life.

Fortunately, I found a great AA sponsor before I went in and she is tremendous support. "Baby steps" she says, offsetting the "gotta-dos" (gotta do this, gotta do that…NOW) which has sent me reeling. But even in a few short days I have cleaned up a lot. It will take me months to straighten out the chaos of my unmanageable life, years to fix financial worries, and I have legal issues.

I have announced this at all the meetings of AA I attend (at least 1/day) and get nothing but love and support there.

Don't drink, just for today; or if you caved yesterday, today is a fresh start.

Being a former anorexic from high school (male in the states), finding a good therapist can change your world. As others have mentioned, things will progressively get better after you stop and put effort into good programs. It's OK if you don't do great in one course, life can be full of second chances. If possible, talk to your professor and seek extensions on schoolwork etc. I have had much luck asking for grace periods with professors at multiple universities.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

I will approach them honestly and hope for a decent outcome. It is the guilt and dread i feel whenever i stop that always leads me back. I need to make a lot of changes. It cam feel overwhelming. I am 26 and female, i dont know if i would benefit more from a female therapist.

It all feels so.overwhelming. But i think I've been in a lot of denial the past whole. Your support is so.appreciated. Thankyou.

Oh, Try, I hear you :hug::hug::hug: I have been battling alcoholism and bulimia for many, many years. I finally gave up alcohol 9 months ago today. It has really helped my self esteem and my confidence to beat bulimia. To be honest, giving up alcohol has been a lot easier than I thought it would be and the benefits started to come almost immediately which really boosted my motivation.

For me, bulimia is much harder to tackle, but I am making good progress. I've recently started looking at AVRT (Rational Recovery). It's helped a great deal. At the moment, I'm reading a book called Flipping The Switch which goes into AVRT for bulimia in much more detail. It has really given me hope.

Reaching out here and saying the words is a brilliant start, Try, and at 26, you're young enough to live the vast majority of your life in freedom if you work on it now.

You're so not alone in this - but there is light and there is hope and tomorrow can be very different, believe me :grouphug:

Couldn't hurt to try.

Which came first, eating disorder or alcohol?

I have experience with both and a few other addictions as well. There is healing. Not impossible, and the changes...don't have to be overwhelming because it's a work as you go thing. You don't have to wake up one day and be a completely different person and do everything differently.

There was more of "me" in there than I thought. I didn't have to throw "me" out with the bathwater.

That Something Fishy website was a good help during the height of my addressing my eating disorders. SR is a big help with drinking and drugs, but I needed my own program/path to recovery. I wasn't able to absorb it through osmosis, but being in the atmosphere of recovery was a HUGE help. It helped to know I was not the only scared person who had turned into a dead end thinking it was the road to a better life.

It's great that you are already in therapy, and have a psychiatrist. Hope this isn't an insulting question but...are you dead honest with them? Many of us with eating disorders want so much to have our act together that we are not fully honest with our therapists etc. We aren't necessarily dishonest (well, sometimes...) but we like to not tell them everything, because we think that we don't have to tell them everything, because heck...they don't need to know THAT, and we're not going to do it again anyway, and we can deal with it on our own, and it's not a big deal...

Many of us with eating disorders have such an inner hatred and dread of of what we consider imperfection that we are mighty hard nuts to crack. Admitting to myself my fear to be honest (even with myself) was a real key to healing.

So glad you are here and addressing this. Welcome

The eating disorder came first, in my early teens.

Today was easier but tonight i am sitting in alone. Too late to get to a meeting but having urges. Going to stay strong.

Try, I'm so glad you found us and that you are seeking support.

You can do this! And, I know it seems overwhelming, but you can get through it. The thing is the bulimia and the alcoholism are symptoms of the issues in your life that you have not been able to deal with and have been avoiding. So, along with stopping drinking and eating in a healthy way, hopefully your therapist will be able to guide you through this journey.

Hi Try, welcome. It makes sense that you want to be numb. That's the affect of the alcohol. It lures you into a feeling of escape. In reality, it just delays. We are glad you came here. It's a great place of support. Best wishes.

Welcome Try, there is tons of support here. I'm glad you have joined us. Best wishes to you.