sherman23 | 08-25-2013 06:01 PM | Not sure how this is going to go.... I am going to be brutally honest with this forum which I haven't been able to do with anyone I know except for one. So here goes...I have never tried to quit drinking. I have been a heavy drinker since I was 14 years old. Remember that video of the kids with the girl who was so drunk she could not do anything while men abused her. Well, that happened to me, in fact, that's how I lost my virginity. There were older guys there, and they just put a bunch of different kinds of alcohol in a glass, and I drank it. I just remember this person had there hand over my mouth and I was in and out of consciousness. I am glad there weren't cell phones everywhere back then. When I look back, I can see that so many bad things have evolved from my drinking. My current relationship has forced the issue of abstinence, although I have been telling myself for years that I am sick of the hangovers, and feeling spun out. My current partner has a mental illness that is severely exacerbated if he drinks, and when he met me, he started drinking. He had been sober for a year prior. I feel horrible about that. He has alcohol induced schizophrenia sometimes when he drinks. We never knew when it might happen, and it was a danger to both myself and him. He is on probation due to this, and when the police were called last week, that was it for both of us. Our lives are at stake. He has support through the VA. His problems are complex, PTSD, depression, possible mild schizo affective disorder, but this is not about him. He is on anti depressants, and is done drinking. He will end up incarcerated if he does not quit. That is his journey to go on, and if we survive I will be grateful. I am realizing that when I stop drinking, (and really since 2009, even while drinking), I have a severe underlying depression. I don't know where to turn for help because I think I need meds, my mother is a social worker and agrees, but I am so depressed, I think what's the point. I just go to work, feel sad, and removed from everyone and everything. I am an actress and had an exciting life both acting and touring with bands. Alcohol always figured prominently. Now I have a boring job, I live in a place I can't stand because it all came to a horrible head in 2009 while touring. My mother said when I came off the tour I "smelled like an alcoholic", it was literally oozing out of my pores. I ended up living with someone I did not care about, cheating with an ex, having an unplanned pregnancy, and terminating it very early. I will never be able to have a child. I am in my 40's now, and that was the only chance, and I made it all wrong with my poor decisions, and fear. I hate myself, and feel so much guilt. I am not a bad person. I severely screwed my life up, and I don't know if I can handle sobriety and the TRUTH of what I have done with, and to my life. I also have been abused and used by ex boyfriends, all addicts of one kind or another. I want to get back to who I know I really am. A sociable, fun engaging person, but I feel totally lost. Maybe that was never who I was, just the alcohol. It was fun, until it wasn't. It took over twenty years for this to happen. I think that middle age and the "sobering" reality that I have not accomplished anything really cannot be salved with alcohol anymore. It quit working. I have to face life head on, sans alcohol, but I am scared. The joke of this, is that I had stopped drinking for six days and just a couple of days ago, I had a couple of glasses of wine, so FAILURE already. The thing is, it wasn't fun drinking that wine. I'm bored with drinking, I am sitting with the depression and discomfort, and it is difficult. People who know me think I am this pretty, confident, and strong person. They have no idea. This is just honesty. I don't want to talk about negative crap, but.. Cherry on top, I found out I had Hep C in 2009, and I kept drinking heavily. A biopsy revealed no liver damage unbelievably. |