A divine intervention is in order
 

I have not been feeling well. So, I wanted to talk about it in hopes that I can turn my head space around.
Life has been difficult for us since we relocated, and It did not help that I lost my job due to Alcoholism.

I have been dealing with some really dark thoughts in my waking hours, and also when I lay down to sleep at night. I fear something terrible is going to happen. These thoughts are not normal, and I know that other people do not think this way. I am really tired all of the time. I have been avoiding talking about this. Any happiness that I feel is short lived, and then it is back to struggling to make life work. I will not go into any deeper thoughts on this forum, but the thoughts are disturbing.

The main thought is, what is the point? My husband is unhappy with his life, we are not happy here, finances are really tight. We need a break, a divine intervention of some sort. I hope the powers that be see this, and hear this. We need an intervention on our life. I want my husband to be joyous. I want to feel happy.

I have these pressing health issues that are not being resolved due to insurance and their denial, and also not having thousands to cover dental.

We talk of relocating again. This can not happen easily. We have no where to go really.

I have to write an essay that I am putting off. My motivation is none existent.

So, I am putting it out there. Not for sympathy. Not for anything other than putting it out into the world that I feel awful and have felt awful. I am not drinking.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way Mizzuno :( I hope that things get better.

For now I can at least offer this :hug:

Hope things start improving for you!

I am sorry you're feeling like this. I wonder if you've talked to your dr about depression? I'm not sure if these negative and intrusive thoughts began after you stopped drinking? It's possible that medication and/or therapy could help you.

I know you're trying to focus on the positive, but remember that happy and joyous are not going to be there all the time. For me, peace is the emotion that I crave and have found in recovery.

Thanks Anna. Peace is not what I was thinking of. I should remember that life does have its ups and downs. These feelings are okay, until they become chronic. It just seems like life has been more down than up. Way more down.

I think a dr trip may be in order. These thoughts did start occurring after I quit. They were not chronic, and so I did not pay much attention. Now, it seems like its a nightly event, or daily struggle just to get moving. I do struggle with anxiety, and depression has always lingered in the background.

Ive been down the medication route before, and the end result was not good. I am going to go the herbal route and see if that will help. Also, talking with a professional may shed some light on the situation. Its funny that I help people with this type of crap all day long, and I cant seem to help myself.

Aww, Mizz, I am so sorry you're feeling crappy right now. I was going to suggest the same as Anna above about maybe seeing a Dr. about depression. I was treated before I stopped drinking but certainly spent a long time self-medicating with booze so that my medicine probably never worked the way it was supposed to. I had to deal with that sober and although it took a couple of months, it helped. Also just talking to someone helps too. I know your healthcare situation is precarious but maybe you can talk to a therapist?

At the very least, try not to snowball things. I know I tend to lump all of my problems together so that they look completely insurmountable and cause me to spin out into panic or depression. I am learning to look at/tackle one thing at a time and it definitely helps. Not to minimize anything but maybe just deal with one thing at a time to the best of your ability and then ask for help where you can? Human as well as divine intervention?

You can do this and you will get through this. You are an amazingly strong person and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel even if it looks dark at the moment.

Big, big hug coming to you right now...

Okay. I will seriously do something about this, and try not to lump all the "Big" stuff into one ball of ****. This makes sense. I have been trying not to think about all of it. When I wake up, it's there. I try to sleep, its there.
I give people "Happy" advice, and internally I am struggling. This is not the fake it until you make it journey. I have to do something about this and I will.

Sorry to hear about how you are feeling Mizzuno. I don't feel that way chronically, but i do some days still get those "what's the whole point of it all" funks. Being sober of course makes them more up front as drinking sort of stashes them away in the back room of your mind.

I don't understand depression or those things too much, but some good advice from the others on perhaps seeing a doctor.

Another thing you might try is picking up a new hobby or activity that doesn't cost much money. I've started playing guitar again since I quit drinking, and i've found free online lessons and got some very inexpensive new equipment to help me along the way. Not suggesting you rush out and buy a guitar, but perhaps find something fun that you can do that doesn't cost a lot and takes your mind off the doldrums of daily life. Maybe a garden? A book club? Volunteering at some local group?

Anyway, hope you find something...and most importantly remember you are doing GREAT work by being sober!

Norma, the name of my guitar, is collecting dust in the corner. My yoga mat has had little use. I was once a runner until this back issue reared its ugly face. So, yes I most likely need to incorporate something other than full time school and work into my life.
This sadness, anxious, angry, doom thing is not appropriate. Then it really is pointless to continue. I mean life is not meant to be lived in a constant struggle.
Half full glass? Where are you?

Thank you all.

Well, maybe Norma need a good cleaning and a fresh set of strings. She'd probably appreciate a visit at least and might bring you some pleasant company!

Sorry you are feeling so down lately, Mizzuno. I won't repeat what the others have said, but will just say that exercise and either yoga or meditation might really help you in the meantime... might help you get some peace. I understand not wanting prescription meds being thrown into the mix, maybe look into some vitamin therapy if you aren't already doing it. Those are my .02 cents worth thoughts anyway!

My husband took Norma down awhile ago, and she was given a check up. She was adjusted and given a new set of strings. His encouragement to play has always been there. After the drunken incident, I dropped off my playfulness with life, and became serious about changing. This in turn has created a cloud over my life. I am trying in all the right ways, yet I forget to relax and create. So, talking about this has been helpful. I can move forward.
I want health and happiness for my family. This will come. Its hard work. I guess I am tired of working so hard.

Right. The funny thing about all of this, is that I help others in this department all day long naturally. People come in and are in the same position and I offer them a natural solution......Not recommend, but show them the alternative to prescription meds.
I am not listening to my own advice that I give others. I thought it would lift. I guess not.

Just wanted to chime in with words of support. I'd seen a doctor a while back for something else, and mentioned I'd stopped drinking. He prescribed a low dose anti anxiety medication, saying it would help get me to six months. That is one thing that's helped.

Another is to go somewhere (for me it was the library) and just write down every last thing I need to do. Getting it down on paper was helpful for me because I could drain it all out of my brain and put it in black and white. I then put it on the refrigerator. As I complete things it is very satisfying to cross them off. I remind myself I'm one step closer to having a freer, simpler life.

I don't know if it's anything that might help you, it has for me. And some days are quite honestly not good, no getting around it. I had a string of them recently where I couldn't even laugh at myself. Then I realized I'm coming up on six months and remembered reading that slumps can happen around milestones. Rode it out.

Hang in there, glad you posted. For each post there could be a dozen of others with your same thoughts - you're helping them too.

Mizz,
I found a book by dorothy rowe called "depression the way out of your prison" useful .

I also found some solace in the four noble truths as taught by buddha, not as a religeon or anything supernatural but as a philosophy to live with .

The only thing i can otherwise say is that you are in a far better place to deal with these things sober than you would be otherwise , only us in recovery know what a miracle each and every sober day is .

There is hope , the sun will shine again , life is and can be glorious ,

m

Sorry that just made me chuckle a wee bit. Yesterday I was journalling about my "inner sloth" and I named him "Norman". Well Norman has been ignoring the guitar I bought (to learn) at a pawn shop a few months back. Like yours, it sits in a corner collecting dust.

(((Mizz))) I'm so sorry you are wrestling with dark thoughts. They are an SOB to deal with. My relationship with my head has been the bane of my very existence. I struggled with anxiety and depression for years. I suppose alcohol was an early destructive solution to that..which only exacerbated it..as we all know. In my recovery, I strive very, very hard to fix my relationship..in my head..with myself. I know that dwelling on the past or anticipating and getting anxious about the future will set off a wildfire of negativity within me. I can only handle my "now"..what I can fix in the moment I have at hand. My relationship with my head is of the utmost priority to me. Now that I'm sober ..I am in mind repair..and that is very, very important to me. But sometimes I feel like I'm a bloody lion tamer trying to deal with what's going on in there.

Just wanted to say...I hear you.

Please see your doc.Intrusive and disturbing thoughts can be symptoms of various depressive and anxiety disorders. For me, even speaking with my doc was a great relief. It can't do any harm to see your doc and may really help you.

Since quitting I've also tried mindfulness,positive thinking etc which is helping but a very gradual process and much depends on external factors to an extent and how you are.You've been through some tough times recently and I hope things improve for you.good on you for not drinking though :)

I am sending a HUGE hug to you right now Mizz. You know it's been a bit dark for me too lately and it means a lot that you have been there for me even though you are feeling poopy too. Today, I have decided to try something new---every time I get a bad thought I counteract it by saying "I trust you God" and move on. I don't know if you have a higher power but God can be replaced with anything--universe, moon sun whatever. I really need to have faith that everything will be okay and finally, this is something that comforts me. I also truly believe that if we don't drink we will grow right through this and come out even wiser :) Hang in there my friend, we are with you! xx

I never find guitar playing is hard work - quite the opposite :)
Get Norma out Mizz, blow out some cobwebs and lay down some burdens.

think about some of the other suggestions here as well...and I hope you do decide to check with your Doctor, too :)

D

Mizzuno, I can relate. I feel like my creativity somehow stopped when the drinking did. Even though I have more time now, I haven't done anything remotely creative. I think I've been so busy trying to clean up my to do lists, and straighten out bills, work,etc. that things are really unbalanced. With the drinking lifestyle there was too much "playing" now there's not enough.

I think you have to cut yourself some slack. Just the dental stuff alone could be overwhelming without all the other stuff. It IS depressing to feel unhappiness with where you're living and your finances. It's hard to fight your way out. A low dose anti anxiety might help you get back on track.

Not to be scary, but I read just yesterday extreme fatigue and a "feeling of impending doom" can be possible heart attack symptoms and you've been under a ton of stress. Maybe check with your regular doctor to rule that out.

So sorry that you are going through this. When I get depressed, I know in my head that certain things might make me feel less depressed. However, because I feel depressed, it seems impossible to do the very things that could make me less depressed. It can be a vicious cycle. In my experience, just taking one very small step - something as simple as taking a walk around the block or changing one aspect of my usual routine (maybe changing the radio station I listen to on the way to work) can be energizing and can make it a bit easier to take another small step.

It is good that you are reaching out to SR for support, and that you are considering seeing a doctor.

Think of what you might say to a friend in this situation, and exercise that same kindness toward yourself.

I appreciate all the support that I have received. Just knowing that I am not alone in this has helped.

Tonight my husbands work situation had rainbows shining through. This is a relief and I am so happy for him. I am thinking that my adrenals are taxed, and so I am taking the necessary steps to get back on track. I took my own advice that I give to so many others, and purchased some natural products for my well being. This will take time. I am not playing doctor, but I am doing what I can with the resources that are available to me.

Tomorrow I am off from work, and I think I really just need to play a little, go for a walk and smell the flowers. There is a pond right where I live which is really beautiful. I plan to go there and get some school work done.

I can not tackle all of my problems at the moment, and frankly I don't need or want too. Sometimes there is nothing to be done. I am not the ruler of the Universe. I will let the cards fall where they may. I am tired of thinking about all of this. Yet, I know that I have anxiety which can flare up when life is very stressful. I need a reprieve from all of these troubles.

If my mental and emotional state does not improve after awhile, in 2 weeks, I will go to the doctor. My only aversion is that I was put on medication in the past that did not agree with me, and I ended up in a terrible place. It took months to recover from the damage. Whatever stability that I have (more than before) needs to stay that way. I am a sensitive human.

Okay. So, I feel alright tonight. I am okay.

Mizzuno: You wrote "I can not tackle all of my problems at the moment, and frankly I don't need or want too. Sometimes there is nothing to be done. I am not the ruler of the Universe. I will let the cards fall where they may."

I think that there is wisdom in what you said. I sense an opening here. Don't try to imagine all the horrible things which you fear may happen. It's best to tackle life one day at a time, one problem at a time. Just pick one thing that you think you might be able to do something about. And don't get frustrated if that doesn't work out. Just pick something else and try that. And focus on the positive, the half full stuff not the half empty stuff. The trees are there, the flowers, the animals, your guitar. And often there is a sunny day. Your husband's job situation is better. Don't give up on antidepressants if your doctor thinks you can benefit. Perhaps some of the problems with this in the past may have been that you were drinking. Drinking with antidepressants is really giving the body mixed signals, since alcohol is a very powerful depressant. Good luck.

W.

Heyyyy....easy now.

****Mizz, sorry you're feeling down. I can only repeat what Ptcapote said, about the snowballing thing. It's very natural to start to "connect the dots" and then it's only a matter of time before..... :gaah That is probably the only "advice" I can offer, though I am well aware that advice isn't something that's always needed in this situation.

I empathize, it seems like during tough times, every new little bump in the road becomes a mountain. And it sucks. I wonder if that essay hanging over your head is creating a dark cloud? Sometimes when I know that I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING as opposed to doing things I enjoy, it paints everything in a negative light. Essays aren't easy (I think we should call them "hardays" maybe?), and uncompleted tasks, etc, can kind of gnaw on you from within. Then again it sounds like there's a lot more going on there.

One thing at a time, Mizz. Good luck and hope you're feeling better, sounds like you're on the right track and there are some good ideas here for you to draw from.

Mizzuno I'm sorry that you are feeling the way you are, you've got a lot of good sound advice, I just want to chime in with your own words ...

Please go back and read those words again. Relax and create. Without relaxation and creation in our lives we are out of balance and when we are out of balance ... I guess you get my drift.

In our shop we sell art materials. Two of our customers earn their living from art, the others are hobbyists of various intensity and frequency. Something I hear over and over again from so many of them is, "When I don't do any art I don't feel right."

Relax and create Mizz. Maybe watch the setting sun as you strum on Norma.

I want to add to previous comments on relaxing and creating. I have been engaged in creative writing since June. There are not enough hours in the day--that's how much I enjoy it. But I also remember to stop and play with my cat. My life is simple right now, but there is joy in the everyday things.

Everyone right now is stressed by the economic situation in the US and Europe. I'm thinking that it may be best to retire abroad. There's a book by a woman and her husband who quit their jobs and moved to Costa Rica. It's called Happier Than a Billionaire. She has a blog too. Anyway, my point is that sometimes you have to be brave to change your life. I am not a fan of the yoga/depression medication approach because I am not convinced that our problems are all internal. I think there is something seriously wrong with the way most of us are living our lives these days. Too much emphasis on enslaving ourselves to demanding jobs in the name of material wealth and a false sense of security.

Yes, this is it. Then everything else. I need some inspiration to write....I am signing off and heading into Essay land. When I resurface, I will have one problem tackled. The other problems can take care of themselves for today..

Thank you.

Bigsombrero (Norm : )....I do believe "Norman" also represents the writer/observer in me. I love "Norman".

Glad to hear your back on track Mizz!!!!

Glad to hear you are on the upswing :)

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this Mizzuno and that you and your husband are facing so much. I have nothing to add to the great advice here so just wanted to say I hear you and I'm rooting for you. I'm glad you're going to spend some time by the pond tomorrow. Being near the water always helps my mood.