I am of the mind that no true healing can occur without telling your story to compassionate ears. You need to talk this out with someone as so many others have said. It sounds to me like it could be life or death my friend. Get 'er done : )

Good for you for reaching out for help. I hope it gives you some peace and whatever it is I hope she/he is not judgmental and you are able to restart your sobriety.

I went to the counselor today and started that process. I think it was helpful, we'll just have to wait and see. She actually referred me to an addiction counselor. If I feel comfortable with her, maybe I can talk about it. I mean, just because they are a counselor doesn't mean they want to hear the worst things you've ever done, ha. But I guess that's what they're there for , to help you sort that out. Thanks again for the replies