Mirage74

But I need to. It is killing me. I definitely can't post it here. I can't talk about it with my sponsor. Can't tell my outpatient treatment. Thinking about calling a professional counselor and dumping it on them, and even they won't like it. The only relief I get is drinking. I don't know what to do. Any ideas?

Dee74

Whatever it is, it's best let out.
keeping secrets, stuffing things down, only drove me to drink.

If you feel a counsellor is your only option then do that Mirage74 - anything is better and more effective than drinking on it.

D

Mirage74

Thanks Dee, I think that's what I'm gonna have to do.

quitforme79

I agree with Dee...get it out! Holding stuff in has never proven to be good for me. And now that I am sober, I can't afford to repress anything. I think of the saying "we are only as sick as our secrets" I bet you will feel relief after you share it.

KittyH

<<< I have NO idea of course what your "secret" is but I posted my biggie on my thread and it felt very cathartic. The post is called "There are Consequences to to Drinking". Maybe it will help you. I certainly dont know your life or what you have been thru but no one here is gonna judge you for the mistakes you may have made. I learned that for sure when I put my story out there. Good Luck and Peace be with you

FreeFall

I found this cool site postsecret.com It's an art project and anonymous confessional blog at the same time. Might be healing to read some of the contributions. There are also a lot of online site where you can post incognito to get things off your chest.

Sorry you are dealing with this type of situation-it can't be easy.

Carlotta

Have you thought about going to confession in a Catholic church? Absolutely free, anonymous and confidential.
Post secret looks really nice but if your secret is "heavy" I d be weary to post it online. For all you know it could be a sting by the authorities or the people running it might be snitches.

Mizzuno

I understand Mirage. I hope that you will find a way to let this secret out. It seems very necessary. ((HUG)) to you.
Oh, and my secret was much bigger in my head. Once I told someone the response was of complete love, and respect.

Ptcapote

Hi Mirage, and thanks for this post. I struggled big time for months with something I figured was so heinous that there was no one, and I mean NO ONE, more heinous and awful than I. It was eating me alive and followed me into recovery, too.

As others have said, we are only as sick as our secrets. I ended up telling my sponsor during my fifth step in AA expecting all the while that she would run screaming from the coffee shop we were in and call the Soul Police on me to have mine taken straight to the underworld.

Well, no such thing happened, of course. I eventually also found the courage to speak about it in a general sense here on this forum and got invaluable advice. It also felt SO MUCH BETTER to have that out there and not be dragging it around on my own anymore. As Mizz says above, we always think what we did is so much worse or more exceptional (in a bad way) than it likely really is.

Get it off your chest. It's freeing and was essential to me in truly and honestly embracing "full" recovery.

Best of luck to you and big ((hug))!

addictedmd

I thought this site was totally anonymous and that was part of what this site is for. Expose your secrets you can't or don't feel comfortable telling anyone else. I know I recently posted something I haven't told anyone but kept it vague enough so no one could figure out it was me b/c if they did I would be out of a job and my career so it was kind of scary but it felt good. I am hoping someone will respond to my post as I have been keeping these secrets to myself for 8 months now and it's been killing me not to have anyone to tell my problems to. I am hoping this site is at least a start. I agree with what people have said above; drinking is not the answer for sure but I do understand if you feel you can't tell anyone and I do understand why you would think drinking is the only solution as that is how I became an addict. That's how I feel about all of my secrets: my friends and family will judge me; my meeting I have to go to will tell on me and I will lose my job/career; I can't tell anyone at AA/NA b/c what if someone recognizes me or something; my job and career are gone again. I can't tell my psychiatrist b/c then I will be screwed getting my Sub and again will lose my job/career as part of the deal with me so I could keep my job/career (I did get busted) is that I allow my primary doctor and my psych to share information with my professional licensing dept. So again if you want to post your secret/problem but make it vague enough you are still protected from whatever it is you are afraid of that may work. I know working in the health care field that many providers don't adhere to the HIPAA laws and also therapists, etc. are required to document/chart and you never know what they are writing down that is part of your permanent record. Why can you not talk about it on here; is it b/c it is against the website's rules? Just curious.

Lyoness

What about writing it in a journal or just on a piece of paper and/or as a letter that you can then destroy if you want to. Sometimes even just writing in my journal is freeing enough or it gives me the ability to then share it elsewhere.

shellbellz

Hi Mirage74
I am new here so still feeling my way around.
When I read your post, I thought of something that I read and wrote down recently...it helped me share my secrets...hope it helps you too

"You may think that everyone is looking at you, making mental notes of your flaws, but you'd be surprised to discover how unaware others are. People are a lot alike when it comes to insecurity and secrets - they're just as worried about themselves as you are about yourself "

Don't feel alone in your secret - flaws are a part of humanity -part of the human drama.
If others don't understand that, they have not yet learned tolerance.
"It is helpful to allow humans (ourselves and others) the right to be wrong. It is not appropriate to like obnoxious behaviour, but it is not necessary to damn oneself or others for acting badly"
Give yourself permission to make yourself happy - we are all learning
Lots of love and hugs
Shellbellz

LadyinBC

I would find yourself a counsellor and tell them.

I had something I told my counselor, something I never told anyone. It was a secret I kept from when I was 13. He wanted me to discuss it with my brother or sister as this did involve them and it was something I hid from them. I had my brother come over one day and I told him. I was frantic as I was so worried he would be hurt. Ended up it was something he already knew because my sister had told him. She had hid the samething from us as well.

It was actually a relief to tell my counsellor and I felt even better after I talked to my brother about it. It was like a weight had been lifted. I had sat on this for 34 years!

Dee74

Sure - but keep in mind this is the internet - I think it's a great rule of thumb to act as if nothing is ever completely anonymous online.

I'm not saying be paranoid, but I am saying be responsible with whatever information you give out. That's simply common sense.

D

Mirage74

Thanks for all the responses! Just admitting what I have I feel better. While I may not ever completely get over it, I may find a way to deal with it. I've tried writing about it, that didnt really work. I think I need to talk with someone who I know won't repeat it and try to gain some perspective on it.

Mirage74

I drank the past two nights. I have to admit it. I scheduled an appointment this morning with a counselor for later this week. Hopefully, I can finally deal with this and quit drinking. It is time, I can't keep going on like this.

Mizzuno

Mirage.
I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I really hope that you seek out a professional to talk of the situation. I know that you can not continue this way, I hear you. Drinking will not solve this problem, and it is most likely making things internally worse.
((HUG)) to you Mirage.

apophylite

Good luck, at least now you can it sorted and off your chest. Then the only way is up

misterritter

It definitely sounds like getting this secret off of your chest will be good for you and help in your recovery. I wouldn't assume things will automatically get better with respect to drinking though. Personally, I have been doing a lot of work on myself both in and out of therapy over the same period of time I have been struggling to quit drinking. I feel i am becoming a better person and one i like more but that hasn't lead to me stopping drinking. The work on me goes hand in hand with stopping drinking but they are two separate things as well. Drinking has been such a habit and large part of my life that even if I could snap my fingers and change all those things about myself that i eventually want to, i would still have a problem with alcohol that i needed to deal with.

I don't mean to be discouraging, i think it will help you to talk about this secret but stopping drinking may require even more work than that.

Good luck to you.

aasharon90

I use to think I had secrets that no
one else had and I drank over them.
When I got into recovery, Id listen
to many others share their experiences
of life before, during and after their
drinking or using.

Come to find out, I did many of the
things others did and they were talking
about it and staying sober or clean.

The same and guilt seemed to evaporate
once they became honest in all their
affairs. My problems I drank over were
many of the same problems others drank
over too and now Im free from those
burdens and can actually talk about
them amongst other fellow members
and laugh about them, because Im
not alone.