Bob :grouphug:

I'm glad you made it home safe.Take care of yourself and know we care about ya. We'll always be here for you and don't forget that.:angel: Draw strength from other's and soon....you'll be doing this. :1244: Even if you couldn't do it before. LOL.


Talia

Thanks Talia,
Cant even fathom the dancing stickman at the moment but
"it's the thought that counts" Right?!
Bob

You bet Bob, Fred Stick Astair is for later down the road. We need to to get rid of that dam* Monkey first. I'll be gone most of the day today, so take care now. Hope to read your posts later tonight to see how you're doing. :rotate: Hang tough. :kiss:

I'm spending the morning with my sponsor working the 12 steps. I'm on step 4. Things are going well. Soon it will be going well for you. It can and will.

Bless you,

Talia

(((Bob)))) :hug:
I think that's part of my problem right now Bob. I haven't been doing so well this past while either, but back on track for the moment. I feel like I just walked out of a real dark cloudy place, and a part me of is afraid to look behind me in fear that I will see that foggy dark place, I hate going there, and still working on figuring this out.

Yesterday I went to the book store, searched in the self help section, and bought a book called There's A SPIRITUAL SOLUTION To EVERY PROBLEM, so I'm reading it and really trying hard to focus, lately that's been a real big chore for me, and I bet lots know what I mean about that.

You said it Bob, it's not a good combo at all, so you know what to work on.

I hope your day goes real fast for you, ugh to hangovers, they pretty much rip us apart inside and out.

My prayers are with you, I keep talking to the big guy HP, and for some strange reason, I think I've been talking to the wrong guy, haha, so working on getting this right, so I hope you work it out with your HP soon too, let him love you......WE ALL LOVE YOU Bob.

Now take care of yourself, I'm on day 2, still feel yuck but I'm sober and not thinking the stupid way I have been lately. We will be ok Bob, we will.

Love and extra hugs.....Denise

Bob and Denise,

You are so right. We have to learn how to accept what we've been given in our life and feel that we deserve it. I have such a hard time with that too. It's such a basic idea and yet it's so profound, because I really think that if we don't believe we deserve good things in live, they won't happen to us because of the choices we make.

You go guys! You can both do this today!!
Love, Anna

Thanks all,
Talia,
The Monkey is wide eyed and fully awake now.(As I knew it would be)
But Im really trying to mentally pull the limbs off of Fred Stick Astiar and find
some sick humor in doing so!

Denise,
I cant tell you what it means that you are here. I learned(still learning) so much from that damn bus you started. When I read that you were taking some time away I was frightend for you.Like Ive said before,whenever I think I need some time away it's usually not a good thing. Im not saying that was the case with you,just that it frightend me. Im glad your back on track.
I feel that dark cloudy place as well. Only I feel like Im just entering.
I can be in a room full of people and yet still feel so alone. I think maybe the pain of addiction and withdrawal is the most empty and alone feeling I have
ever experienced. Part of that I believe is just selfishness and mind games trying to defeat myself and give up. But there is also a very big part of it that is very real. Isnt it interesting that when many of us feel so alone we
tend to look for something spiritual to help us through it. Is it that I looking in the wrong area or that Im looking at the right area and drawing the wrong conlcusions? Hmm. Have to think on that. One thing for sure is that I feel like I think to damn much sometimes. Maybe counter productive. I wish I could just live,be happy and not think. I dont believe thats in my nature however.
Bummer. Anyway, alone. These lyrics to the Kansas song dust in the wind has been plowing through my brain for a few days now.

"Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind"

The feeling of alone as "just a drop of water in an endless sea" I can
relate to. If only I could learn to be a positive particle in that cloud of dust
that eventually turned into a positive dust storm. Whether we want to or not
we do have an effect on the people around us. Our family,our kids,the people we come in contact with every day. It can be negative or positive.
Oh my, is it me or this just a load of crap? You should hear me when I really
get going.

Anna, what a true warrior you are. It does just boil down to the choices we make.We do need to learn to accept the good we've been given. Whether we deserve it or not Im not so sure of. I think thats where Gods grace comes into play.
What I do know is I've rambled on enough. Oh man, this is tough.
Denise, I think staying focused will be a real challenge for me.
Love and prayers to you all. Tonights going to be a long one.
Bob

Thanks Bob...that means a lot to me. I was thinking about not coming back and yes you had it figured out right, guess it's better to run and hide when we know we're heading in the wrong direction for the one millionth and one time. You know I know what hard work is all about, and this one takes the cake, doesn't it Bob?

I have to tell you, every time I see your name, it makes me smile. I had an older brother by the name of Bob, he's long passed on now, he wasn't my bio brother but my brother none the less.

Guess what he had a drinking problem and it got him in the end, a major stroke. And you know I've thought about how his life ended up. I grew up in a really religious Catholic family, and it was his parents who adopted me. Anyways he died an athiest, and I've recently found out one of my other brothers is athiest now also. So I see why I'm confused about this HP thing, you grow up being taught religion a certain way, not really getting anything out of it, because it was pretty much crammed down our throats, oh boy oh boy I'm waiting for another lightening bolt, one day if I do get to meet the big guy, oh never mind, haha.

Now I'm not telling you that to depress you, phew now that I look at what I said, it's just when I see your name I think of him, and that's a good thing I figure.

BOB you don't want to be in that dark cloud place, really think about that Bob, think hard about it. I think I'm afraid to look back because it's me that's there, and high time I faced the music with myself, stop my darn running. I hope you understand what I'm saying because it looks like you're doing the same thing as I am.

Alone, yep I know what you mean there, I feel that way so much also, and the funny thing is, why are we like that, why do we have to feel so alone, there's how many people on the face of this planet? I've been married forever, and it's been a lonely marriage, and I know it won't change, some things can never be repaired, some hurts just won't go away as hard as you try to put them behind you, they always seem to sneak up and slap you in the face.

Oh wow I'm starting to ramble on here. I see you hurting here Bob, and I wish I could think of one thing to say that would help pull you out of this awful insanity. I still wonder how my life would be if I had never ever started drinking all those years ago, and have my life turn into a living hell. Guess it's better not to think of things like that, not a thing we can do about it now, but we can WORK as hard as we can to stay SOBER for today Bob, SOBER for today, see that, don't go into that dark place Bob, I'm reaching out to you, now grab hold of my hand dammit, sorry it's a bit callaused but I'm a hard worker, not a whimpy gal, well whimpy when I drink and then get really stupid, lordy I tell you.

Ok ok I'm done now, I promise. Bob we don't drink today THINK POSSITVE POSSITIVE POSSITIVE You say tonight will be a long one, it doesn't have to be, try to stay focused with everything you have in you and wake up well tomorrow.

Yep our Anna is a real trooper, and I love her lots, thanks Anna.

Ok BOB, one more time, grab hold of my hand, can you hear me screaming my head off here from Canada.

Love and prayers Bob.....Denise

:biglaugh: Don't scream too loud Denise.
I'm way too close.
:hug:

It was loud enough Dan. I heard also.

Thanks Denise. I understand what you are saying. And as usual I have alot to say back but not enough time to say it right now.
I think what I was trying to say(that I usually say too much without getting my point across) whether we drink or do not, sometimes that empty feeling is still there. I too grew up with religion pushed down my throat. I've actually come full circle to appreciate that it was. Sometimes to look deeply into that dark area is just too dark. And I run and try and hide. Ok, so there is another answer. Maybe not hiding is where the answer is. We know using is not the answer. Bottom line. I'll grab your hand if you grab mine and I'd be proud to call you sister. Getting a heck of a beating with the withrawals at the moment.
Love and prayers for now. It's all I got
Bob

Oops sorry Dan, next time cover your ears..oh no wait one sec, don't cover them up just in case you need me YELLING at you too. :hug:

Bob I know what you were getting at, but you know what, why bother looking in that dark place, what's the point, what have we to gain, only more torment figure, right???. I have to tell you my head is sorta still clouded up...hmmmm now I wonder why that is, kicking myself in the butt, and gonna kick your butt too, oh sorry about that...oh no I'm not, I bet that scares you eh? I think what this all boils down to is STOP STINKING THINKING I was doing that recently and got myself in a heap of doo doo, so crawling back out of it.

Yepper the withdrawls are the pitts aren't they, I think it's meant to be that way, teaching us to knock it off, and it will continue to teach us till something clicks in our heads, and I have a bullheaded brain, I wonder where that came from, laffin.

Ok my brother grab hold of my hand, don't be scared I don't bite, hang on tight Bob, this is gonna be one h3ll of a bumpy ride, and one more thing I'm one day ahead of you, so that means I have to lead here, I hope your up to it. Weeeeee here we go.

Love and prayers back to you Bob :hug:......and it's not all you have, so stop thinking that way, get your butt out of that pity pot, shaking my finger at you now. <--- I can say that cause I just drug myself out of it, shame shame shame on me. :chairshot

Thanks Denise
Was almost thinking the same thing before I logged on(pitty pot or whatever you called it) I do tend to go there. And yes I am afraid of you. Your one of those :wizard: that you have to watch out for.?
I do think that eventually I need to look at the darkness, or at least acknowledge that its there in order to really heal. But Ill agree to disagree for now. I dont even have a scab yet and Im talking of healing(yuck, thats a gross analogy) Thanks for being with me today. It makes a difference.
Talia,Dan,Anna and anyone Ive missed. Thanks. You people are all over the place.(Jeff, I know your offline for a while but I know your out there)
No this is not slobbery teary eyed goodbye. Im just logging off for the day.
In case you havent noticed I also tend to lean towards the dramatics.
But there is certainly no drama in how I feel at the moment. Again.
Ta ta
Bob

Bob guess we are all searching for answers, and you know what, some days I figure there just aren't any. So we live one day at a time, and do the best we can with it.
I'm sorry if I came off sounding harsh, it wasn't my intention. This gets so frustrating, which you're well enough aware of, seeing others pain all the time, and not being able to help. And guess what, you never need to be afraid of me, laughing now seeing what you said, I'm a real push over the truth be told.

A good friend of mine has been giving me proper heck this past while, she told me to smarten up, stop being depressed, I told her I couldn't help it, then she YELLS at me, and tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself, I told her I wasn't, and she said YES YOU ARE, so I said you really think so? and she nodded yes. So guess she's right, the tiny might of a woman that she is.

Today she was at me again, she said my problem wasn't my drinking, which I've seen some in here say, she said FIX yourself, I told her I was trying, then I asked her what this was all about, and she said she cared about me, and that she loved me, odd hearing someone say that, and you know it felt so good cause I knew she meant it, funny how those three little words can have a huge impact on us. I've known her forever, and she's had some real rough times come her way, real rough, and she keeps moving forward, only worries about getting today in. She also reminded me what year it was again, and to get into it, leave that past back there.

Guess she's one of my teachers, I hope you get something out of this too Bob. Please take care of yourself.

brothers and sisters, becoming sober is a learning curve. it is important to remember nobody's perfect. we are human beings and we make big mistakes sometimes. we can use those mistakes. they are tools. we need to pay attention to our mistakes. we can to learn from our mistakes. mistakes are gifts.

we have the power to choose. life is way too short. we can choose to spend it as though we are a phonograph record scratched. powerlessly spinning on a record player repeating over and over. we can rise above that. we have free will. no one i mean no one can choose for me to take that drink except me, myself and i. sure we have been given gifts. it is up to us how we choose to use those gifts. staying sober is not easy but it is a way of taking lemons and making limonade.

(((Denise))) It's great to see you back. :banana: Yes....you two hold each others hand tight and don't let go. Grab mine too. There, that's better.

(((Bob))) You can run, but you can't hide. You know that saying. Why is it that we keep trying then? In life's early years, we where dealt a hand. We may not have had a choice, whether or not we wanted to play the game, but we had to. It was decided for us. Some where dealt a good hand, some a lousy one. If we where dealt a lousy hand, we learned to bluff, or fold. If we fold, we're out of the game. I hope you like poker. I don't know how I got on a poker analogy. Dunno. Oh well...

So much I want to say. From my thoughts, to pen and paper (cyber) I'm afraid something will get lost in the process. Here is my attempt.

Where does that come from? I can't answer that, but you can. I can relate to it totally though. I know for myself, my childhood and the past relationship's I've been in, have conditioned my way of thinking. I don't believe many would argue that point in general. We've been programmed to shove the pain and the bad feelings "down" and somehow "out". Forgotten for good. But are they really "out"? I don't think so, maybe forgotten, but they still remain, deep in our core. Our defense mechanism's have kicked in and taken over, to hide the pain, leaving our armor to shield us.

I've worn the blinder's, I've suffered the tunnel vision, I've shut out other's who cared. It was by my choice, I made the decision to do so. I was defending myself from the truth and reality. Sometime's the people that care about us, are our biggest problems. Amen to that one...Mom. LOL. I had a moment there, carry on. If we sit in a room, and yet feel alone, its because we choose too. It is all in the conditioning and the way we think. If we "change" our way of thinking, same scenario, different outcome, then we're not alone. We're surrounded by other's.

The key is, to get to the root of the loneliness. Why do we feel the way we do? Some emotions remain close to the surface, some need some deeper soul searching to retrieve. Finding the problem and learning to deal with it, in a different manner is key. That is my opinion anyway. We can eliminate a huge problem, just by turning it over in our heads. By trying a different approach and putting a new spin on things. It's all on how we think it through. A different thought process. A new thought, not reverting back to our old, conditioned ways. We continue on with what is familiar with us, but obviously doesn't work. Happiness and peacefulness is lost along the way. Pain and suffering takes it's place. Where is our serenity?

I'm only on day 15 of my sobriety. It was just a short time ago, I carried that same monkey on my back. I packed that bast*** around for 9 days. When I finally peeled him off my back, I jumped into AA. I feel that is my only resolve. I need help and am powerless against alcohol. No one, nobody, can stop me from drinking. Getting a sponsor and working the steps, has brought a tremendous change in me. A new way of thinking and with it an "inner" peace. I welcomed it with open arms. I've had enough turmoil and suffering to last me a lifetime. Haven't we all, I know I'm not alone.

I don't ever have to have another drink again, or ever be alone again. It's my choice. All I have to do in exchange for a better life, is do the work. Polish my mind and soul. Clear the path to them, then buff them until they shine. :147: The shoe polish analogy is worse then the poker analogy. LOL Hmmmmm. I may have to work on that. Sooo....what else can I say? I don't know. I just want you to find your happiness, your peace. It's out there right before your eyes and it's easy grab on to. Take hold of it and don't let go.

I'm dealing another hand...we're playing draw poker, 5 card. No....joker's aren't wild. Denise...are you in? I dealt you a hand. Ante up!!!

Take care and hold on tight,

Talia

When you're done dismembering Fred Stick Astair. Work on generic duck. Pluck him one feather at a time. Slowly, that should occupy you for a while. :duck Then we'll have you start peeling banana's or something.

((((Talia)))) I'm grabbing hold of your hand too, we'll put Bob inbetween us, and he thinks he should be afraid of me --->>> :wizard: :lmao

Great post Talia, I love what you've said here. Amen to all of it.

Bob I hope you're feeling better today, now grab hold of us gals on onward me move.

:grouphug:

Morning all,
Rough night, zero sleep. It's pretty much taking all the energy I have to
just try and function normally today at work. I have not had time to read the posts yet but I will.
I came to a conclusion yesterday evening after I signed off. After a couple of
hrs with myself I realized I almost missed the most important lesson I think I was supposed to learn yesterday. Denise, thanks. You didnt come right out and say it,well actually maybe you did.In addition to "stop stinking thinking"
last night the thought stormed though my head to just "SHUT UP AND LISTEN" I realize there is nothing in this thread that someone has not already been,is or will go through. There has been alot of good advice from some great people, Talia,Anna Denise,Dan,Gabe justto name a few.
I need to stop thinking and start listening to that advice. It's hard when your on the emotional roller coaster ride of this to really listen. But Im going
to try real hard to listen. Mentally and spritually. Physcally I have to ignore that. Much too intense right now.
Thanks all. I will post again after I have some time to listen.(plus I have to actually try and work)
Humbled
Bob

CRS3, Bob you do need to listen and you do need to take action. becoming sober is not something that happens to you. you have to play the game to win. it is you against yourself. one part of you wants to stop using and one part of you wants to party. to win is simple just don't put it in you. simple but not easy. we have to take responsibility for are own choices. i know the struggle well and today i hope you will make the same choice as me. i am choosing to remain abstainant today. i want to win and i am training. i am thankfull that you all are here. winning at this game is about life or death. SR is a great place to come together so that we can share our knowledge, strength and wisdom. It is good to read you. we can win a day at a time.

(((Denise))) Sounds like a plan, a good one. I have two hands...one for each of you. I'm glad you read the post and can recognize yourself in it. I had you in my thoughts as well, when I wrote it. Giddiyup cowgirl??? Dunno...what that is supposed to mean.


(((Bob))) I hope your work day goes by quickly. I remember those sleepless, no boozy (good thing) long days. Hold on, you can make it through. Boy... do I remember those days. Flashback. :blackeye: It sounds like you gave "yourself"some good advice last night. Hmmmmmm...where'd that come from? You already know the answer to that. Giddiyup cowboy. Dunno... but, Hee Haw.

Take care,

Talia

Bob,

I found a link here a week or two ago and I can not remember who should get the 'THANK YOU'. At any rate, it makes total sense to me that as an alcoholic my body is run down. I think the regime has made my cravings minimul and granted more energy. It may not work for everyone, but either way it is good for your body. I am kind of a veggie, wholistic healing kind of a gal.

Check it out....http://www.doctoryourself.com/alcoholism.html

You can get through this! Life will be so nice once alcohol does not dictate your day.

Take care of yourself, Cinn.

Thanks Cinn,
I will definately check that out.

Ok,
Ive been doing some serious thinking. No really, I have. The good constructive kind. I re-read my thread, I re-read all the advice and I re-evaluated my attitude. Basically it sucks and is doomed for destruction if I dont change it. And yes Talia and Denise your right. It is a choice and what you've been trying to tell me.
What a whiny little B@Trd I sound like. Im not sure I would have been as patient with myself with this realization as you all have been.
A thought kept coming back to me this morning. "my grace is sufficient for you" Now I know alot of you have issues with the whole HP thing. And I have to admit I was starting to also. But something shifted from yesterday. More of a awakening I might call it. Denise I was reading the bus earlier and everyone sounded so upbeat. I must also admit I was jealous and just totally sick of myself. I realized Im such a bummer. But Im really not like that anywhere but here. Im usually upbeat around others, but I let the slime out here. Sorry people. I think it was necessary. I needed to go through this but I also need to pull out of it.
I started counting my blessings this morning instead of focusing on gloom and doom.
1. I have a beautiful wife who loves me and would do absolutely anything I asked of her if it would help me.
2. She loves me unconditionally(to a point mind you)
3. 3 beatuful kids.
4. More than one friend,who If I called right this moment and said
I need you, would drop all and be at my side.
So when I say I feel alone, It's absolutley a choice and I am embarrassed
and a little confused as to where that actually came from but it was there and is to some extent still there. I'll have to figure that out at some point.
I think I have enough to do at the moment with trying to heal what Ive done to myself. And actually have no right to be typing much less standing.
To say "Gods grace is sufficient" is a huge understatment when I look right in front of my face and see all the blessings i've chosen not to look at.
Im realistic though, I know the dark is for some reason ever so tempting for me. A selfish response perhaps. Again, thought maybe for another time.
Maybe not.Withrdawals still raging but I think maybe(hopfully) my momentum has kicked up a notch. Hope it lasts.
Denise,Talia,Anna,Kckman and so many others :grouphug:
Thanks
Bob