Another binge...
 

I dont even know where to start. I was doing so good but this is so unbelievable how alcohol can take over a person’s life. I went on another alcohol binge. I think it’s making me go crazy! Does anyone else feel like that? I have been very sick for the past two days. Throwing up. Not sure if im sick or from alcohol, maybe both. I felt horrible this morning....shaking. Now I am a little better. It scared me how my body is so dependent. I am tapering off with some wine now, crazy how the thing that makes me sick, makes me better. Temporary. My hands are still shaking. Probably from withdrawal and all the throw up. I am going to try and get some sleep. Any advice how to deal with this. Every relapse, it gets worse. I am hiding it from my partner so I am dealing with this by myself. She would kill me if she knew what was going on but I know that makes me feel worse. I can’t believe how I let it get like this. Any encouraging words.

Hey wino, I really wish I knew what to tell you but I wonder if you're really hiding it from your partner, does he/she drink too?

My guess is that you're sick from withdrawing and I wish you'd get some medical help.

Do you know what it is that keeps getting you to pick up? I know you've probably heard it many times before, but whenever you're ready, you don't have to do this any more.

Glad you're here, keep posting. I hope you feel better soon. :ghug3

Hi wino. Well, that's exactly why I had to give it up all together. I had too many sessions like the one you described. Every time I picked up it led me to feeling that way. The only answer was to stop completely and not pretend willpower would save me from going on a binge.

I agree with you that every relapse feels worse. We are worn down and damaged from it. We're making ourselves sicker every time we pick up. I hope you'll decide to put an end to these miserable days. Glad you posted - and that you're not giving up.

Like vegie said, get medical help if you can. Everytime you try and stop the withdrawls will be more and more intense. hugs and the best of luck

No she barely drinks. she Doesn’t want me to drink because I have a problem. I dont think she knows i picked up again. We have different schedules. Well there are a lot of reasons. It runs in my family so im sure that doesn’t help. I am not out to my family, so i think that is the main problem. I hate lying or hurting people so I think that how it started to get out of hand. I always drank but not like this. Its effecting everything and needs to stop. I also have sleeping problems so that where the wine comes in but you know how that goes. I felt so good when I stopped but I was so bored. Stupid reasoning… I hope I can get a good night sleep tonight and get the last couple of days out of my head.

It's hard to stop drinking, but you can do it. It's always a good idea to have your drs okay before you stop, because it can be dangerous. But, have faith that you can do it.

How long have you been together? Im LGBT too, I am betting if your partner knows you well and hardly drinks, she probably knows you picked up again. I think one of the side effects of booze is it makes us feel like we are more crafty than we really are.

About four years. Long story but we both didnt kno we were gay and we fell in love. Some of my friends know but I am still very uncomfortable. My parents have no idea.

She asked me the ither day if I was drinking...i said no. We went out to dinner the night before and I had some wine at dinner so I said i was hungover. She probably knows somethings up but not how much Ive been drinking. This just sucks

Guilt is a hard thing to deal with

Please look within your heart and find a better life. Don't follow my path. My drinking has lead to seizures. I have a broken nose from one. And I have a tremor despite sober for over a week. You don't want to go there. Get the support you need from friends if possible, hopefully a forgiving family, if not at least a competent doctor. But if not there, there is a huge community of people who will support you. Your partner deserves you at your best. Get clean and sober. It's a struggle but one worth fighting for. Accept yourself. Don't let others judge or define you. Be you. Be happy. Be sober. Be joyful. Let's work together to support each other in creating an authentic true life.

Thank you

I hope you can work through this, you are keeping far too many secrets it's not surprising you are getting stressed, chat with your partner you really need support to crack this.
Good luck :)

I can completely relate to your sexuality struggle, I first started problem drinking to wash out reality, I was not happy that I knew I was gay and there was nothing I could do to change it. I drank, drank, drank and drank trying to smother it out. I eventually came out and (thankfully) my family accepted me, but I had picked up a ball and chain in the process, I was a problem drinker, even at the age of 26 I was drinking 1/5ths of vodka straight. it sucks cause , when you come out you feel so free. but when your an alcoholic, that ball and chain stays right with you.

Thank you for the reply....day one stinks.
..hopefully the day will get better

AA worked for me when I exhausted everything else

Thank you. How did you guys deal with the shakes..I have eaten much....I don't think I can...I can't miss another day of work...

You can do it wino.... just don't give up!!!!

off to bed..feel a little shaky

Hi Wino,

They say we are as sick as our secrets. I'm worried about you and hope you will pray and/or meditate on getting real with your partner. She surely must know something is up but doesn't want to ask for fear of you getting upset. I know I used to get pretty nasty when my boyfriend would ask me about my drinking. And sometimes I wanted him to but how was he supposed to know when the topic was safe?

But this is something you should do as a couple: recovery. She recovers and you recover and you can also start the morning reading from the Big Book together, praying, meditation, a book you find inspiring and hopeful.

AA meetings are just essential. Some people do great without. Most don't. Get in there and stay in there. IT IS THE ANSWER. It will be your safety, your reprive from this storm of life. There are more and more LGBT meetings now but heck AA is so diverse anyway it just doesn't matter IMO. BUT it's whatever makes you comfortable.

Some people say they went into AA and felt right at home. I wasn't like that. I hated meetings and hated feeling vulnerable and especially hated hearing about feelings and God. So I drank for another 15+ years. Now I love them. I pray and know God. My God. Yours may be different. But do find your God. You can start doing that anytime. Got a problem with the God word - pray to anything bigger than you. Have a problem with prayer? Get over it!! Prayer is what you want to do a lot of. Talk often. Ask for help. Specifically ask the desire to be taken away. This works.

Also, your withdrawals sound bad. I hope you will go to a detox tomorrow if you are too sick. Alcohol withdrawal is deathly dangerous. I'm lucky I survived many of mine. Don't mess with it. Get help for a medical condition if you have one. Seriously.

You'll be in my prayers tonight and I will check this link tomorrow as I hope you will come on to let us know how you are. You are already cared about in this community.

:welcome

Best wishes I to have relaped many times. And it gets worse every time.