RoundTwo | 01-29-2013 07:01 AM | Day Two, again, frustrated Newcomer who just needs to vent. I've trolled along on this website for months now. I've completed the registration part almost all the way countless times and then backed out. Usually daily over the past months I've spent sometime on here, always wanting to post but doing that means I have a problem, and I've been doing so well, maybe I'll be ok after awhile and I can drink for fun sometimes.....starting to sound familiar? This is probably going to end up being a long post so bail now if you don't have time. A little back story on why I'm sitting here posting this today. There are many, many issues throughout my life that led to the downfall, but we will skip straight to the beginning of the end here. At the age of 23.... I got the bright idea to move to Las Vegas, you know, the best place for an alcoholic compulsive gambler to move to.....the ignorance of youth. In retrospect my issues with alcohol and gambling were well documented at the time, but I had created a mess in my hometown so needing to leave, why not move to where my vices were available 24/7? Over the next six years I broke into the casino business, being a functional alcoholic I achieved my goals fairly quickly, I was a pitboss at a property on the strip within a couple years. All that time though I built up a fairly intense gambling and drinking habit, the gambling is more of an issue of me losing my inhibitions while drinking, never do it when sober. Somehow I made it without ever being arrested for dui, even though I could've been on a daily basis. Two years ago we were all out partying after working New Years eve and I drank so much that I passed out while walking, woke up in the hospital and had injured my eye so badly when I fell that I blinded myself in my left eye....for good. I quit drinking for about a month but was back at it soon enough. Over the next couple years my drinking and gambling progressed to the point where I ended up losing a car, my apartment, had to give my dog away and backed myself into such a corner that I had no choice but to leave Las Vegas. When I transfered jobs about five months ago I had probably lost in the area of 100k gambling, 10k of which I owed when I left. I came back close to where I grew up but not too close. I drank for two weeks straight from sun up to sun down before I officially started my new job at my new casino. The day I moved to my new place a little over four months ago I stopped drinking. At first it was great, the euphoria of it, the new found energy.....but slowly, overtime that goes away and then your left staring at your issues. My promise to myself was that I wouldn't drink until all my bills were paid off. Then I started fantasizing about that day. I didn't think, ill go out and have a few, I thought, ill drink a whole bottle of Jack that day, and it will be great. I knew it was dangerous thinking, but it was just thinking and look how well I've been doing, I don't even go to meetings, I've never been to rehab, ill be alright. Well, a bad day turned into a bad week, work problems, problems from the past creeping back loneliness, the works. I got out of work on my Friday at 2am....sat up and waited for alcohol to be sold at 7am and was in line at 705, bottle of jack and a case of beer and a smile from ear to ear. I proceeded to get hammered, sent embarassing text messages and such, pass out, wake up hungover saying I'm not going to drink for awhile now. That lasted until sundown and I basically repeated the previous night. I woke up the next day full of guilt and then shame from some phone calls I made.....you've been there and proceeded to pour everything I had left down the sink, that's it, done. Went to work Monday, bad day, pissed I poured everything down the sink, went to work Tuesday, bad day, left early to get to the store before alcohol sales were done for the night. Sat up and drank half a bottle of vodka and many beers, repeat of the same pathatic lonely behavoir of making embarassing calls and texts. Called in the next day because I was too sick to work and called into today because I'm too depressed to work. Poured it all down the sink, again. I'm feeling better now though, after my two days out, will go in tonight and then have two days off scheduled. I made it 127 days and was making significant progress before this. I saw the slide coming and instead of stopping it, I almost encouraged it to happen. Loneliness is a big part of my failure, I had to move, I had no chance of a successful meaningful life in Vegas. But now I'm here, knowing no one, at a job I despise because I sell what has caused me so much grief, and I lack the social skills to find someone to share my life and discuss my problems with because alcohol has been a crutch for me for 17 of my 29 years. I would be completely fine with never drinking another drop of alcohol if it wasn't so intertwined with our social structure. I'm tired of waking up sick, blowing all my money, doing things that bring me shame, I can't afford another catastrophic injury like the last one.....I only have one eye left, thank god I look normal, you can't tell I've injured it at all except for the small scar but its not pointing off in another direction or anything. I never wanted to end up like my father, which happens the more I drink. I would be fine with never drinking again, I have no more experiences to gain from it, except for the fact that every social event, every social event seems to revolve around alcohol. One can only read so many books and watch so many movies before they start to go insane and need human contact outside of work. I can't even drive to my hometown and hangout with old friends because they are constantly drinking. I don't date coworkers.....anymore. So how do I meet a woman unless its at a friends party or a lounge or bar? Drinking has become part of my persona, ingrained in everything that I have done socially. How to you re-educate yourself on how to live a happy, socially successful life being completey abstinent of alcohol? I've lived such a crazy life up until 5 months ago, even though a lot of it was not enjoyable or fullflling.....it was exciting. This mundane existance of work, read, sleep, work, watch a movie, sleep is unbearable. What tips to you have to re-enter the social structure alcohol free, finding friends and dating while avoiding alcohol? I honestly don't think I would've relapsed if it wasn't for the sheer boredom and loneliness. I've had a lot of problems I had to grow up with and overtime I've learned to accept and manage things, while these problems are enough reason for anyone to go off the deep end and I know they are what started my issues with alcohol, they are not what has caused me to relapse. Over the 4 months of sobriety I came to terms with my issues, what I can't come to terms with is this feeling of being different, of not being able to relate to or socialize with people without the alcohol. You can love yourself all you want, but what good is life really without friends and a loved one to share it with? Day two....again....and frustrated at the enormity of my situation. |