RoundTwo

Newcomer who just needs to vent. I've trolled along on this website for months now. I've completed the registration part almost all the way countless times and then backed out. Usually daily over the past months I've spent sometime on here, always wanting to post but doing that means I have a problem, and I've been doing so well, maybe I'll be ok after awhile and I can drink for fun sometimes.....starting to sound familiar? This is probably going to end up being a long post so bail now if you don't have time. A little back story on why I'm sitting here posting this today. There are many, many issues throughout my life that led to the downfall, but we will skip straight to the beginning of the end here. At the age of 23.... I got the bright idea to move to Las Vegas, you know, the best place for an alcoholic compulsive gambler to move to.....the ignorance of youth. In retrospect my issues with alcohol and gambling were well documented at the time, but I had created a mess in my hometown so needing to leave, why not move to where my vices were available 24/7? Over the next six years I broke into the casino business, being a functional alcoholic I achieved my goals fairly quickly, I was a pitboss at a property on the strip within a couple years. All that time though I built up a fairly intense gambling and drinking habit, the gambling is more of an issue of me losing my inhibitions while drinking, never do it when sober. Somehow I made it without ever being arrested for dui, even though I could've been on a daily basis. Two years ago we were all out partying after working New Years eve and I drank so much that I passed out while walking, woke up in the hospital and had injured my eye so badly when I fell that I blinded myself in my left eye....for good. I quit drinking for about a month but was back at it soon enough. Over the next couple years my drinking and gambling progressed to the point where I ended up losing a car, my apartment, had to give my dog away and backed myself into such a corner that I had no choice but to leave Las Vegas. When I transfered jobs about five months ago I had probably lost in the area of 100k gambling, 10k of which I owed when I left. I came back close to where I grew up but not too close. I drank for two weeks straight from sun up to sun down before I officially started my new job at my new casino. The day I moved to my new place a little over four months ago I stopped drinking. At first it was great, the euphoria of it, the new found energy.....but slowly, overtime that goes away and then your left staring at your issues. My promise to myself was that I wouldn't drink until all my bills were paid off. Then I started fantasizing about that day. I didn't think, ill go out and have a few, I thought, ill drink a whole bottle of Jack that day, and it will be great. I knew it was dangerous thinking, but it was just thinking and look how well I've been doing, I don't even go to meetings, I've never been to rehab, ill be alright. Well, a bad day turned into a bad week, work problems, problems from the past creeping back loneliness, the works. I got out of work on my Friday at 2am....sat up and waited for alcohol to be sold at 7am and was in line at 705, bottle of jack and a case of beer and a smile from ear to ear. I proceeded to get hammered, sent embarassing text messages and such, pass out, wake up hungover saying I'm not going to drink for awhile now. That lasted until sundown and I basically repeated the previous night. I woke up the next day full of guilt and then shame from some phone calls I made.....you've been there and proceeded to pour everything I had left down the sink, that's it, done. Went to work Monday, bad day, pissed I poured everything down the sink, went to work Tuesday, bad day, left early to get to the store before alcohol sales were done for the night. Sat up and drank half a bottle of vodka and many beers, repeat of the same pathatic lonely behavoir of making embarassing calls and texts. Called in the next day because I was too sick to work and called into today because I'm too depressed to work. Poured it all down the sink, again. I'm feeling better now though, after my two days out, will go in tonight and then have two days off scheduled. I made it 127 days and was making significant progress before this. I saw the slide coming and instead of stopping it, I almost encouraged it to happen. Loneliness is a big part of my failure, I had to move, I had no chance of a successful meaningful life in Vegas. But now I'm here, knowing no one, at a job I despise because I sell what has caused me so much grief, and I lack the social skills to find someone to share my life and discuss my problems with because alcohol has been a crutch for me for 17 of my 29 years. I would be completely fine with never drinking another drop of alcohol if it wasn't so intertwined with our social structure. I'm tired of waking up sick, blowing all my money, doing things that bring me shame, I can't afford another catastrophic injury like the last one.....I only have one eye left, thank god I look normal, you can't tell I've injured it at all except for the small scar but its not pointing off in another direction or anything. I never wanted to end up like my father, which happens the more I drink. I would be fine with never drinking again, I have no more experiences to gain from it, except for the fact that every social event, every social event seems to revolve around alcohol. One can only read so many books and watch so many movies before they start to go insane and need human contact outside of work. I can't even drive to my hometown and hangout with old friends because they are constantly drinking. I don't date coworkers.....anymore. So how do I meet a woman unless its at a friends party or a lounge or bar? Drinking has become part of my persona, ingrained in everything that I have done socially. How to you re-educate yourself on how to live a happy, socially successful life being completey abstinent of alcohol? I've lived such a crazy life up until 5 months ago, even though a lot of it was not enjoyable or fullflling.....it was exciting. This mundane existance of work, read, sleep, work, watch a movie, sleep is unbearable. What tips to you have to re-enter the social structure alcohol free, finding friends and dating while avoiding alcohol? I honestly don't think I would've relapsed if it wasn't for the sheer boredom and loneliness. I've had a lot of problems I had to grow up with and overtime I've learned to accept and manage things, while these problems are enough reason for anyone to go off the deep end and I know they are what started my issues with alcohol, they are not what has caused me to relapse. Over the 4 months of sobriety I came to terms with my issues, what I can't come to terms with is this feeling of being different, of not being able to relate to or socialize with people without the alcohol. You can love yourself all you want, but what good is life really without friends and a loved one to share it with? Day two....again....and frustrated at the enormity of my situation.

Gal220

Welcome! It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to stay sober. I can completely relate to the loneliness (whether sober or not!). Is there a lot of alcohol out there? Yes. Do a lot of people drink socially? Yes. Does everyone drink? No. Do I have to drink in order to have a social life? No. When I'm content in my sobriety (which doesn't just mean loving myself), alcohol isn't an option, period. I personally can't afford to waffle on that. For me, there is absolutely no situation in which drinking will bring me any sort of benefit. Drinking for me means I'm trying to escape my problems instead of deal with them. A lot of people don't drink for a variety of reasons, and normal drinkers don't worry about who's drinking and who's not. There's a lot of support on this site, and a lot of people who have been in similar situations! You were sober for a few months before, so build on that!

BabyJane

Hi, welcome :

This is only my opinion based on my own experiences, but I have been where you are and there's no easy way around it. If you continue to drink, perhaps you'll avoid the awkward boredom and social ineptitude for a little while, but you'll continue to have grave consequences. Alcoholics of my variety (restless, depressed, lonely, can't live life on life's terms, self pitying, despairing, etc.) end up dead, in jail, or in a mental hospital. That's what I learned in AA and I've found it to be true because I've seen it over and over. On the other hand, if you find a way to stop and stay stopped, you'll have new challenges. Learning to live again was a problem for me at first. Like yourself, I just didn't have a CLUE how to go about a single day without a drink or drug. The very thought of it blew my mind actually. Yet I am 70 days sober and have also had a 9 month stint of sobriety in the past. I'm certainly far from perfect or even successful in the traditional sense, yet I do live life happily many days and I don't need to use substances to cope because I picked up new tools. It took a long time to learn this. I tried and failed and tried and failed again many times over. I have been, at various times, extremely uncomfortable, bored stiff, confused, sick, tired, broke, devastated, and frustrated beyond words in my recovery. But I held on. I knew the other option was much worse so I kept putting one foot on front of the other one day, hour, minute at a time... There's nothing impossible about what I did I'm just like you. I made a decision, I made changes, and I ACTED my way into better thinking. Our minds are not right in the beginning, you may need guidance and advice often so be willing to ask for it, as you've done today. The right answers will come if you stay sober. I'm not saying AA is the only way but if you're struggling its time to try something different. Maybe you need to post here more often. Maybe you need to see a professional. Maybe you just need to look in the mirror and make a firm decision NO MORE. If you want to quit you'll find a way and you'll make it work no matter how crappy you feel. They are feelings; they won't kill you.

Good luck my friend I know you can do it! Make today a new day - the beginning of a new life. Just get through this one and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

MadameX

I understand the temptation is everywhere especially in your line of business. Whats worked for me when Im feeling alone or bored is to go to the gym, my volunteer work or even coming on SR. You need to keep yourself busy. Find something you like to do so your time is occupied and your not thinking about drinking. I dont know how you feel about counseling or AA but that to can help. Your still new to town so friends will come in time.

As far as finding a girlfriend since your still working on fixing yourself I dont think thats the best idea right now. If your not happy with yourself you cant make anyone else happy. And you need to focus your attention on your recovery right now. I hope you feel better soon.

RoundTwo

Thanks for responding and the words of encouragement everyone. The power of feeling like your voice is being heard and understood is a strong one. I'm off to sleep so I can crawl out of bed and work my shift in five hours and then enjoy a few days off to evaluate where I'm at and where I'm heading.