Day one again :(
 

I made the concious decision to drink yesterday. I missed work today. Threw up all day. Anxiety through the roof. I feel so alone in the world, I feel like nothing will ever get better. I sometimes wonder what's the point of even going on living? I am far from my family and friends. I just feel like I am splitting wide open and am never going to be happy. I want to be sober. I really do. I am a nasty person without morals when I drink. Why would I even pick it up again? Hating myself right now :(

You must not let the self-loathing take you down. You must let it go, so you can get back on track with your sobriety. You are worth taking care of and you deserve a good life.:)

Ahhh self-loathing. It happened qfm. There's nothing you can do about it now except learn stuff from it and then move on. There's loads of exercises available on the internet that help you analyse a relapse and then let go of it. Sometimes you need a relapse to apply a more rigorous application to your sobriety, or at least that was my experience.

Natom.

So what are you going to do differant this time?

Today is a new day and a new chance to pick yourself back up and start again. Don't keep beating yourself up because that will make it easier to stay stuck in the cycle. Be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself. There is hope.

Thanks guys, your support brings me to tears. My sponser said to do 90 meetings in 90 days and I'm going to listen to her. I also started antidepressants 2 weeks ago & I'm hoping they kick in soon. I have such crushing chest pain, I hope its anxiety. I wish I had someone to come stay w me tonight. But if I don't stop drinking I'll definitely be alone forever.

It is so very hard in the beginning. You will feel better when you stop drinking. If I didn't feel better, I doubt I would have stayed stopped. 90 in 90 sounds like a good plan. Can you ask some of the people at your meetings out for coffee?

I dunno about you quit but it took me 20 years to reach my bottom - I had to expect it would take a little while to get back on top again.

It's easy to get discouraged but you're not alone - not matter what that voice tells you.

Keep reaching out - I hope this time will be your time :)

D

You're not alone Quitforme... It takes practice to get yourself back into the world though and to feel okay. Focus on all the little positives, no matter how small. It does get better x

hi qfm,, i was feeling like this last night, i cried myself to sleep, and when i woke up (lunchtime), i knew i had to shake the self loathing off, i know its hard, but i just came straight on here and looked up some of the books that anna recomends, and got on it.
i realised that i cant hide away forever, i have to be more positive, i havent had a drink for (only) 26hrs! but its my start, even if its day 1 yet again, i feel positive now, i want this not just need it.
i felt i was the only person in the world in desperation last night, i was so lonely,, then when i had such lovely posts, a real sense of caring from this lvly lot, just boosted me , and i hope you feel the same, im sending you a hug,, hope u get it lv cleo xxx:grouphug:

Just know Quit, addiction tells nothing but lies. All the horrid feelings you are having are a direct result of the alcohol. Not you.
Your life is worth living, you can be happy, but you have to make a decision to not pick up again, no matter what.
I told myself if I had to stand on my head for 10 hrs a day, I'd do it. Whatever it took.

Change happens when the pain of holding on is more than the fear of letting go.

You can do this. Just don't give up.

So sorry you're feeling down. Pick yourself up and start again. Join us in November. Thinking of you. On day two myself.

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. I'm new on the forum and only have 7 days sobriety (from opiates) but I admire people who are quitting alcohol so much. I was actually discussing this with my SO today about how hard it must be for people trying to quit drinking as it is everywhere! It must be so difficult it being a "socially acceptable" substance. There are no heroin commercials like there are for alcohol lol! I hope you feel better

Hang in there! Definitely give the 90 in 90 a shot. I was multi-relapsing and trying AA in a somewhat "a la carte" fashion, really not being serious or honest enough with myself. Last relapse got me a hospital detox, and I went to the first meeting of a 90 in 90 the day I was discharged. I ended up falling a few days short of the full 90, but the daily meetings forced me to walk past my anxieties and qualms and really open up to some profound personal changes.

Faith and courage my friend!

Quitforme - I'm glad you shared your feelings here. I think it lessens our anxiety when we let others in - and let them care. It's already been said, but you are not alone. We all understand how you feel - we've all been through these times.

Never give up reaching out for a better life. I drank for 30 yrs. & never imagined I could have the beautiful and free life I have today. You can do this!

Sorry for the tough times you're going through. But you're in the right place sharing here and thinking you want to stay sober. Today is a new beginning. We all mess up right? Don't get too down on yourself. The fact you want to change means you want a better life and that's a reason to fight. Stay strong.

I know that self-loathing feeling all too well. It's even worse when you miss work and have to sit at home all day with the hangover, racing thoughts, and panic about what your boss is thinking. They only thing you can do is try again and don't give up. No one ever said this wouldn't be a struggle.

Thank you again everyone for your words of encouragement and support. I just spoke on the phone with my aunt for almost 2 hours. She is in recovery and had a lot of good things to say. She, along with you guys, helped me pull out from the self loathing a little. I am still upset that I blew 45 days of sobriety :( BUT I really did learn from this. Prior to this happening, I fantasized a lot about drinking again one day. In my mind I planned a relapse during Christmas when I will be visiting my grandparents (my grandmother and I would always drink wine together). I figured that would be a good time because I would have 90 days sober and would be able to re-evaluate if I could drink. Which is just ridiculous addict thinking. I can't drink at all. Not ever. Unless I want to stay an active alcoholic that is. And I really don't. So, I am putting my fantasies to rest. I believe now beyond any doubt that I am powerless over alcohol.

I tried and failed numerous times but never gave up and I finally 'got it'.:) I hope this is your last day one and that you continue your sober journey. :hug:

It's a cycle of addiction. Understanding what happens where I have put the dot points is important. I used to return to drinking so many times once I felt reasonable again. The rationalisations during that part of the cycle have been well documented by many.

It might help to learn about AVRT and get some F2F support.