Quit, so sorry! You didn't blow 45 days of sobriety in my opinion. The score after 46 days is still 45-1. Sober clearly ahead in this election. You experimented, it had unappealing results, and you're here on SR trying again.
You are still in control, and you are NOT alone!! The self loathing is the worst,but you don't ever have to feel that way again.

Quit, sorry to hear you're struggling, but at least you came back, right? Immediatly after too, some don't come back, some have a relapse that lasts years. I know the self-loathing all too well, it's the worst, it's crippling. 45 days is AWESOME!!! Keep going, one slip doesn't take away that 45 days. I'm only on day 5 and I'm strugging, 45 days is a huge accomplishment. Hope you feel better tomorrow. :)

i was exactly where you were a few days ago quitforme...
I'm feeling much better through the detox, help of couselors on an action plan, and FINALLY making a trip to AA tonight. I get a lot of anxiety too. Doing some of this has helped it subside a lot.
My anxiety was always worse when I would drink and then know I had no plan for stoppping afterwards.
Hold tight and remember in a few days you will feel better.
Us on SR are here for you!

I like Freefall's post, you have been supportive of me the past 22 days and I appreciate it. You need to forgive yourself and hopefully this is your last day one. Good for you for coming right back to SR.

Hang in there.:grouphug: