How to ask for help
 

Hi all, I am new here and have a question for you. I need to stop drinking, that has become more and more obvious over the years. I will need help from my wife, but don't really know how to ask. I fear that asking will get me a roll of the eyes because it wouldn't be the first time I've tried (admittedly, not that hard though). Any suggestions?

Actions speak louder than words. If you are serious and doing what needs to be done, avoid certain situations and change habits, then she will come along to match your level of efforts.

hello

Maybe tell your wife your intentions and askforher support and understnding

stick around SR-we understand. The October class started today for newly sober/people quitting in October.there's lots of support

Welcome to SR Iamanalcoholic....I'll tell you what worked for me.....I walked into an AA meeting.....Introduced myself and said I was an alcoholic...And that I needed help.....What better place to do it....But in a room full of recovered alcoholics. I haven't had a drink since. 15 months. I'm going to a meeting in a couple hours.....A beginners meeting.....Same meeting that I went to for my first one....Maybe I can help someone... That's in the same place I was.

Welcome Iam. I decided not to even say anything to my DH this time because I cry that wolf wayyyyy too much. It's usually just a way to cover up for doing something stupid. I'm just going to keep saying I'm not drinking today (every day). I am back at day one because I was sure I could handle just one last week. I cannot and now I know I never will be able to. I am furious I blew seven days sober and starting over. High fives for the Oct-Sober

Thanks, I think I'm going to try this and after a week or month when she asks, I can tell her I probably need her help going forward.

Welcome to SR.

What kind of help are you needing or expecting from your wife?

Iam...that's a good idea about waiting a month or so.
The only thing I need from mine is to not encourage me to drink after that long.

Welcome Iam to SR. I am glad you joined us. Your wife will not keep you from drinking. If you rely on that you will likely end up going down the same path you have been already. Sounds like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired and want a change from the mental obsession you have created. Rule number 1 for me, accept what you are. Rule 2 - FULL disclosure & no more secrets. Rule 3 - have a plan for being sober (half sober will not work). Those are my top 3 rules I can suggest. Post on !!! -- here to help.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not 100% certain. My wife has no problems with alcohol. One time she said to me, "why don't you just try to have one or two drinks?". In my mind, it's basically an all or nothing proposition....a one drink night never happens. So, I guess what I'm looking for is understanding that what I'm trying to do is not easy. Bottom line is: I don't really know, but I know I'll need it.

IMO although having your wife's support is a good thing I think the real question is what is your plan to get sober? I think you will have a lot more credibility with you wife if you present her with a plan and ask her to be supportive than to have no plan and ask her to be supportive.

You may wish to post a question of the group about the plans they used to get sober so you can get varied input

You and your wife would both benefit from reading the AA Big Book, available online. While there is a lot of discussion here about AA and other methods of recovery, I think the Big Book does a wonderful job explaining alcoholism and why is isn't as simple as "...have one or two drinks."

Another good book is "Under the Influence."

Understanding your problem is one thing. Helping you overcome your drinking problem is another, and probably something your wife can't help do. As they say in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum to the loved ones of an alcoholic: you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't change it. Pretty much sums up the help you are going to get from that corner.

Those of us on the forum, we can help. As can fellowship in the rooms of AA.

It's your recovery. You can do this. Good luck.

That's a good question. As of now, my plan is to literally just stop drinking. My goal is to make it through this week and the month of October and take it from there. Also, to post/read on this site. I am fully aware that I can't drink 'a little'. It took me a pretty long time to figure that out. I don't drink every day, but, when I do, it keeps going until I pretty much can't see straight (usually long after everyone has gone to bed).

I have a nice job and drinking has never interfered with most of my life (exceptions obviously), so it would be a huge shock for most people to think that I have a drinking problem. But, I most definitely do have a problem. Just trying to quit drinking and somewhat hoping the rest will follow and think about longer-term implications/how to STAY sober while I am sober.

Welcome to SR Iamanalcoholic :)

I think it is something which comes up often that friends and family often do not really get it. There was a thread on that here today. It's hard sometimes but try to focus on your own recovery rather than what other people around you think you should be doing. If you know you can't drink then eventually your wife will accept this.

Hi Iamanalcoholic :)

Lots of good advice here - a lot of us have dealt with situation where our friends or loved ones don't quite understand.

s'ok it's not a dealbreaker - there's many many of us here and elsewhere who've been through it and who do understand.

This is about you - it's your journey...work quietly, work dilligently, use the support available...

people may not have understood but when they saw the change in me, they supported me in making those changes. I'm sure it will be the same for you too.

Welcome to SR :)
D

The big book is an excellent resource. Read the description of the Alchoholic together and the section on to the family. I am a big fan of Healing the Addicted Brain.

Have you thought about going to Out Patient Therapy? Therapy X2 never kept me sober but it was an important step in understanding my addiction. In the end it boiled down to surrendering, putting nothing ahead of my sobriety, going to AA meetings everday and not drinking in between, doing what the AA old timers told me to do.

There is a lot more to it than that but this is an excellent start

Hi there!

You've gotten some good advice so far. Congratulations for wanting to deal with this problem. The first action you need to take is to just stop drinking. And you have done that so Great! Now what? Some mentioned AA and that is a path many people follow. But there are many other ways as well. Some just use Sober Recovery. Some go to an addiction counselor. There is SMART, Rational Recover, Lifering, Save our Selves, plus many other. These programs help you stay stopped. I think the social interaction with other people dealing with the same issues really helped me.

It would be nice if your wife is sympathetic to your cause . . . but this is something that you have to take ownership of and fix, ultimately yourself.

Welcome and keep posting!

I tried a hundred times to quit on my own and for me it was impossilbe. I was even sorta successful made it 6 years with no booze once but I always returned to drinking at or above my previous level. I tried psyco-therapy, other recover technics, controled drinking, using OTC medications. I am now sober 3+ years and I do what I need to every day to stay sober

I have not thought about outpatient therapy. I don't really know what it is. I don't think I need to do anything to 'detox', as I don't drink every day (average about 3-4 days a week). I just need to stop drinking. I've tried the drinking only on certain days and other things like that, but usually just go back to old habits. I just need to stop entirely. The tricky thing I see going forward is how integrated alcohol is to many social/work events. My answer to "Do you want a drink?" will just have to be "Not today." I guess.

Thanks. I don't want to paint her in a bad light, because she's awesome. She just doesn't fully comprehend all of this because no one in her family has alcohol issues (unlike pretty much everyone in mine).