Why Do We Lie?
 

Hi everyone,
This is the second thread i have started, the first one was asking if anyone could help me figure out what to do about losing my girlfriend(best friend) of almost 2 years to drinking. I want to thank everyone that responded to that thread, just like everything on this site it was extremely helpful. I have not had a drink in over a month and don't see an end in sight. I will never pick up drink again, and i will never change my mind. With the help of the responses I got and my commitment to not drinking, my girlfriend agreed to meet me last friday. We had a relationship that we could tell each other anything without fear of being judged. At the meeting she told me that it wasnt my drinking (it was for me) but the fact that i lied to her about my drinking that hurt her the most. She flat out told me she doesnt trust me and is not sure she can. When she asked my why i lied i really didnt have a good answer. I said it was fear, shame, feeling worthless, but she didnt get it. Does anyone have a better answer why we lie to the most important people in our lives about our drinking? BTW she said she is not sure about us, but is willing to keep me at arms length until she figures it out. Guess it will have to do for now considering i broke her trust. Thank you in advance you guys are great and i hope i can help someone here the way you all have for me.

I just needed to add, she said she would have been able to deal with my drinking, but not the hiding and lieing.

as the girlfriend of an alcoholic...well, lying and hiding go hand in hand with it, so there's no use teasing apart the drinking from it...because in a short time they are wedded.

My BF avoided me, broke dates, made excuses so he could stay home and nurse his beers instead of do anything with me.

I am a recovering addict, and my boyfriend stopped drinking a couple months ago, and we've had the "why lie" discussion.

our own sense of guilt and discomfort about our behavior, wanting to not deal with people's reactions, throwing others off our scent, because it becomes habit, so we can kid ourselves that it's not that bad, another way to isolate

towards the end of his drinking, he flat out told me "I really would just rather go home after work and get drunk then spend time with you."

ouch.

I didn't react well

that's why we lie, because people just aren't going to understand that pretty much our only priority in life is getting drunk and wasted. We don't care about them, or us, or family, or job, or promises, or holidays, or dinner, or movies, or anyone's bothersome feelings except our own. We just want to get drunk and wasted and to be left alone.

Since we feel crappy saying that, and they get P'd off hearing it, we make up lies instead. No one believes them, but at least they sound better than the truth.

Great post Threshold!!

I'll add, we lie because we're afraid of losing the person. We lie because we're embarrassed we can't control it. We lie because we know they love us and we feel we're letting them down.

It's a pride thing. Nobody wants to come out and say "I'm an alcoholic and can't ever drink alcohol like a 'normal' person" at least not initially. Pride, and what you said, fear, shame and feeling worthless. Your girlfriend doesn't seem to understand that lying about drinking is part of alcoholism, a lot of people don't understand that.

I'm in the same situation. My SO hasn't left but it's the lying that has done the most damage. It'll take forever to gain trust back. But then again, the number of times I've lied shames me... Who would trust me?
Why do we do it? To protect our alcoholic self. Until we truly and honestly want to quit, we will do anything to protect our alcohol. We don't or didn't want to quit drinking. So we lie. Admit it or not, it becomes the most important thing in your life

Lies are hard to get over... Maybe tell her that there is nothing that you can do about the past, but you have control of the future. Lying to her is not apart of that future. She may not be there to witness it, but ask her how you can prove to her that you won't be lying.

I think it's more of a fear thing....Fear of the unknown...How would we live without it?...Fear of failure....We have a problem we have no control over....Fear of rejection....The truth would end that relationship....Fear of weakness....Admitting we've been beaten by a substance...So many forms of fear. That is a great post Threshold.

For me it was the collision between wanting to be as drunk as possible as often as possible while yet wanting to upkeep a "normal" life. The idea that I couldn't have both was something I feel like I blocked out for quite a long time.

The addiction was primarily the main thing that held me back. Admitting that I had an addiction was the right start for me. The second thing I had to eventually overcome was the brute fact that, as an addict (in recovery), I also dreamed of a life with that addiction.

I think one thing that was hard, that I had to eventually overcome in my recovery process, was both being able to admit that I was an addict *AND* that therefore I had a very real and somewhat understandable reason to want to drink that I felt I had to surpress at all costs.

To me, a lot of what counted as "being honest" in recovery wasn't so much confessing my wrong-doings or "bad thoughts" but just being able to say I am committed to my recovery without negating the real fact that, sometimes even to this day, I kind of wish I could make a full escape (whatever that means, I never quite leared what...) via acohol.

In short. I think we lie because we want to drink. We struggle to understand why we want to do something so badly while knowing we shouldn't. I think good sobriety should teach that this isn't the end-of-the-world. It's one thing to feel compelled to drink and something very entirely different to act on it.

I think for most of us...That's all we know....No matter how bad the consequences may be....Alcohol is what makes us feel safe...When in truth...It pours gasoline on our fear.

Hi Finallygotout

I read your post earlier this morning and it was like receiving a punch in the stomach.

I think Choublak answers it for me.

I have been with my partner for 18 yrs although I haven't been a heavy drinker for that long. It is the lies he is finding difficult to accept, says he cannot trust me, cannot believe a word I say and dreads coming home from work! How bad is that, how could I do that to someone I love?

I think the person I have lied to more than anyone is myself and it's time now to be honest and turn my life round. Sorry is not good enough anymore. I now am going to work and work at this. Actions speak louder than words now, for me!

Big hugs

Gxx

Great insights from you, Threshold, but this one really hit home for me:

I couldn't bear the idea that I was letting my dear wife, my best friend, down. To be free of that burden is the best gift that I could have given myself.

Thanks everyone. It isnt easy to read these things. For me it is all in an attempt to become the person i want to be, its amazing how low i let drinking take me.

Wow. This really hit me this morning. As the now ex-wife of an alcoholic, the lying is probably the biggest issue I had. Not because he lied, per se, but because now I couldn't believe in him anymore.

I tried, over time and with the help of counseling and Al-Anon, to find a sense of trust again, but his time frame for when that should happen (RIGHT NOW - he's sober damn it) and my time frame (one day at a time) didn't match. He insisted on divorce. And made up some lies to justify that decision.

I didn't believe his lies then, and I don't believe his lies now. But I suppose to him, it all sounds better than the truth, to him. Thanks for sharing that perspective.

Finallygotout, have patience with your gf. It takes time to rebuild trust in a relationship.

I lied because I wanted to be able to continue drinking.

My husband found the lying the worst part of the alcoholism too, but if I told the truth, I would have had to stop drinking, and I wasn't ready to do that yet. Sad...

You will notice I edited out the part "...to her about my drinking," because I think the issue, from your girlfriends perspect, is that you LIED. Period. If you lied about drinking, what else did you lie about? That's what is running through her head.

I don't have the answer for how you can regain her trust. For some women (and men for that matter) lying, cheating, those are lines in the sand that once crossed, it's over.

But if you stay recovered, and show with actions, not words, where your life is headed, you might work things out.

In the meantime, focus on your recovery, not on trying to rectify the past with your gf.

It seems the "why" has been rather well answered.

And Finally, I think you pretty-much answered it in your original post.

Looking at it from a different perspective, I've discovered that the "right person" for me needs to be able to forgive some lying....and I need to forgive her lying. I had this vision that one day I'd find someone I'd NEVER ever EVER lie to. Hasn't happened yet. Maybe someday I'll get there.....dunno. Until then, I'll take someone who's forgiving over someone who's not. :)

I agree that words cannot remedy the issue of broken trust. Time and a continuation of sobriety on your part are your allies. Using the days of this early recovery period to make needed adjustments in your lifestyle, in your approach to life in general, are what you can do. The rest will sort itself out. It sounds like your gf is interested to see how your recovery progresses. That's a good thing.

The disease of alcoholism takes over us and will do anything to protect itself-- it convinces us to lie, cheat, deny... to ourselves and others. It will do whatever it it needs to do to keep getting alcohol.

I just heard my dad tell my mom he only had 2 drinks when I had seen him have 3 with my own eyes, and I suspect he had more than I saw. This really surprised and hurt me because it's one of those things where kids (even adult kids of any age) automatically think their parents are infallible and trustworthy, only to find out that they are capable of bold-faced lying! I thought about WHY he lies about how much he drinks-- to keep the facade going, to act like he doesn't have a problem and/or has it all together, to keep people off his back, to even lie to himself about how much of a problem it is or could be-- all so that he can keep drinking. The end result is to keep drinking.

Then I thought about things I have done in the past-- sneak drinks, lie to myself and others about my problem, play off the amount I've had to drink-- and I realized that it is just what alcohol does to those of us who have a problem with it. But we are stronger than that and we don't have to give in to that alcoholic part of us. I am convinced it is not the real and true us, that we have to separate ourselves from it and live honestly and in sobriety.

All you can do is keep on this current path, not even for your girlfriend's sake or the sake of the relationship, but for your own sake. You cannot save your relationship or be there for anyone else if you don't save yourself from yourself. Best wishes.

I recently told my ex that if I could afford it I would stay drunk all of the time.

That it's only when my bank balance gets low that I stop.

And that's been the truth.

Which is different for me, I have never been truthful about my drinking. I lie. Rationalize. Justify. Defend.

But lately it occurs to me that I am hurting myself badly by isolating myself with these lies.

So I am trying to be honest, with myself and with others.

**Trying** :) What do they say, "progress, not perfection".