trouble
 

I've posted here a few times recently. I've been trying to clean up my act but honestly it seems to be getting worse not better. I was so messed up this morning it took me 45 minutes to walk to the train which usually takes 15. Of course then the train had to be delayed but that's another story. I digress... So what's troubling me is that I can't seem to make it more than a week, and every time I slip it seems more like a death spiral to me. I've been considering taking time off for some sort of rehab but I don't know what the options are and anyways I'm being promoted and it wouldn't look good. I could probably take a week before labor day but I don't know if it's even worth bothering. I've been exercising and hitting a ton of meetings but nothing seems to matter or make a difference any more. It's like some part of me wants to accept I won't beat it and just give in. I wish I could go somewhere far away, cold and deserted and dry out but I have this stupid mortgage to pay. I'm sorry I'm just ranting now really but I guess it beats jumping under a train or something. Thanks

Hmmm... Did I write that? Could have. I feel the same way. At first when I tried to stay sober things seemed to get worse. Like I was acting out like a kid because I was not going to give it up without a fight.

Well sorry to say... Things do matter. They matter a lot. It's not easy to see when just starting. I know. I am blurry eyed with depression today. But I can still see hope in your post.

You can go longer than a week if you want to. Things do matter to you... If you want them... See where I am going with this...

It's all you with super support from us.

Ken

It is exactly like that. That is the issue in a nutshell - there is a part of us that wants to drink and drug and use and get high and stay buzzed.

That part of you is the emotional reactive pleasure seeking part of you, gincognito. It is separate from your thinking logical mind, the part that wrote that post. You know what this part of you will do to you and what you will lose.

You don't have to do what this voice says. You get to choose. Many people will tell you otherwise, but I never let others tell me what I cannot achieve. You get to choose.

It's true, you're right. In the past I've certainly seen it that way. This time is different. There's no will anymore and nothing seems to matter to me. I guess that's the sick talking I don't know...

Neither will full-blown alcoholism.

Do what you need to do to beat this...including rehab it that is what it takes, because right now whatever you are doing isn't working.

That's for sure. Funny I'm in the office now and there are two bottles of good whiskey here. I didn't put them there but there they are lord knows why...

Freshstart, your reply really resonated with me.

Trying to get sober, most of us do go through that split personality deal. If the emotional side can begin to listen to the rational side, there's greater chance for success on a day by day basis.

I know it has taken me a while to gear up for this and I have to keep finding ways to support my emotional side so that I can build up the courage to face my fears that have held me back.

Youre talking about powerlessness. I had a strong desire to stop and I have pretty impressive will power in most areas of my life. Problem was the obsession to drink always won out. Now Ive been sober for 4 years in AA and couldnt be happier. People recover in a variety of ways, but most find that just putting down the drink is not enough to get well. Usually it just causes life to suck even more, as you seem to be realizing.

I posted my thoughts on this in this thread.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-problem.html

I was thinking precisely the same thing. About how my understanding of the steps changes as I age. Powerlessness used to mean the powerlessness to stop compulsively using whereas now it seems to be more something abstract and emotional...

I think the two week thing is a hump in the road to get over . You're fresh enough to remember the routine and habbit of buying it . After about 4 - 6 weeks i think that habbit starts to receed . I think i was wary of exposure or even going down that isle in the supermarket for about 2 months . When it was christmass, after about 3 months i was able to buy drink for my mum and not worry myself about it as i felt confident in my non-drinking persona .

By giving up 2 weeks at a time you're giving yourself all the pain of withdrawl and not clearing that to where the noticeable benifits of sobriety start to kick in .

I really hope you get to it as loosing your job, houses and relationship to drink is not very nice . Sometimes thats what it takes though, it's what i had to go through to get to the point where the fear and pain of change was less than the fear and pain of carrying on .

bestwishes, M

I know. I was clean and sober almost two years at one point. That's a great way of putting it with "all the pain and none of the benefits". No benefits but maybe some other kinds of "fits".

You know it's a funny thing about losing things. I lost my long term relationship this past winter when I got mixed up with benzos, I've been thinking of selling my house and I tried to resign from my job but they wouldn't have it and promoted me instead those scoundrels.

Tell you what hurts the most is the realization that I didn't lose anything in all these years-just let things go that weren't compatible with addiction. So I'm culpable and not a victim.

Glad your back posting :)

I remember those spiral's all to well. In the first year of my getting sober, I kept going a couple months or couple weeks. And eveytime I picked up, I was right were I was after drinking every waking moment in a day or two.

So right back to the rooms I always go, learn for it, and dust myself off and go at it again. From the top. Step 1 , if I dont get that one right everyday then the rest dont do me any good.

:)

When you read this board a lot like i do you can see patterns and see who's who. You can tell when someone seems to have what they need to make what they want happen. You seem very much like that.

I agree.... Not losing something makes it almost seem harder.

I have liver damage due to drinking. Did not feel sick so kept drinking. It's kinda like that. Like we can deny its really there. I go next Thursday to get a look at things. I am not confident I will be ok. But still feel good. Go figure.

I think a lot of people tend to forget the bad things that happen when they were drinking at around a week,

hi gincognito :)

What have you been doing for your recovery so far?

D

Well a fair number of AA meetings, 1 and 3/4 of a meeting before 8 AM today in fact... I enjoy them. Some yoga and running and rowing. So far my mind is just not cooperating but I've met some very nice people at least.

Yeah, that's always the problem, lol! It's our thinking that creates the suffering, which in turn, makes us want to escape.

You might want to check out mindfulness - it's helped me more than I can say.happyface:

I glad you enjoy the meetings , I love them also. It started as a safe place and now its my social world. I look forward to them daily. :)

Stay on the beam.