Sorry, I really screwed up aqnd feel like I'm in Hell
 

Had a "dream" last night. Was a tunnel rat deep in Indian country. In a hole, heard a noise, breathing. Flamed out my thrower and felt/saw myself travel through the flames to receive them in the other side as the "enemy:. Knew both being cooked and cooking. I can't decribe it. woke myself screaming and fell out of bed. Panic attack, etc. Tried to breath, etc. took the short cut, went out in the middle of the night and bought and swilled a pint of vodka. Now I need to deal with the aftermath. The booze is also the flame and the burning. Back to PTSD 1 I guess. I can't describe how terrible and weak I feel so always a good time to beat myself up. And no, at the moment I didn't think sponsor, meeting, tough it out. I just felt total suffication and grabbed the oxygen mask. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry this happened. Pick yourself up and start over. You can do this. (hugs)

I heard a Native American speaker at AA named Don C.

His words really moved me, Your story made me look him up. They have a public lecture he gave posted for download. It is really worth listening to right now. I have a feeling you will find this meaningfull right now.

Don C. from Colorado Springs, CO : The XXXIII Gopher State Roundup in Bloomington, MN : AA Speaker Tapes

Thats real tough to deal with ,
i may well have done the same thing to cope or not coped half as well .
I hope you call your sponser and keep working at this thing,

you're incredibly strong to do so well, don't beat yourself up as that will only make the pain worse , just start over, it's a new day today , you can start your day over anytime you like .

cheers M

So sorry to hear that Fitz. I can feel how much this hurts. Are you receiving medical help for your PTSD?
Lots of love xx

I am so sorry Fitz. I hope you feel better.

Dom

(((((Fitz)))))

Okay, it happened, it's done. Now we are in TODAY.

Please do not beat yourself up over this. You used the only method that has for
years been your way of dealing with this. PTSD? probably. I do understand!

Now we are in today. What can you do for you to find a different way of dealing
with these types of instances when they happen. I don't remember if you have
had therapy before for PTSD but it might be a good idea to get some NOW. The
program of AA can only help with so much, and even the Big Book tells us that
sometimes we do need professional help. You self medicated, something many
of us did for years, and it takes A LOT to change our ways.

I was one of those that had to seek 'professional help' once I was in recovery.
Had I not, I would not have stayed sober and been sober all these years. I was
in INTENSIVE therapy for over 5 years to finally get through my 'other mental
disorders' and learn how to live sober using those steps.

Please keep posting Fitz as we do care so very much. We are walking with you
in spirit.

Love and hugs,

You're here among friends, Fitz.

I'm glad you came here and posted, it shows you are already on the right track.

Your posts have always inspired me, I don't think I've ever told you that.

The others are right, today is a new day.

All the best,

SD

Fitz, I'm really sorry to hear about what happened. You can get through this. Drinking last night doesn't have to be the start of a binge. Your binges get worse every time and eventually they will kill you. Don't let your memories do that to you. You are safe now. Do you see a doctor and a therapist for your PTSD? It can and does get better. I work with veterans, and I have seen what this will do to peoples lives. You're not weak, far from it, there's nothing wrong with you but you do need help. PTSD happens when normal human beings are exposed to inhuman conditions. Please reach out for the help you need Fitz and know we are all here praying for you. Don't let this derail all your hard work.

i'm sorry fitz. I've been messing up too though and I know that oxygen mask reflex. Yesterday I was at lunch and tears started popping out of my eyes--no reason. So I did what I do.

We need a new oxygen mask Fitz and it just isn't easy.

Sometimes us double trudgers have a few more bumps in the road to traverse than the other fellow. There can be times where I can only manage to minimize the damage of a relapse and get back on track. I'm glad your back here with SR and myself, so as to carry on the best one can.

:ghug3

Comming here and telling on yourself is a great move!
It's a new day Fitz. I believe you can do it again!:)

Hugs, I am so sorry you went through that.

I think Laurie's post says it all.

It seems common that people relapse because of untreated mental issues like PTSD, depression, Bi-polar, and anxiety disorders etc....and self medicating is what he know, but we also know it bites us in the ass in the long run.

I am in that boat myself.

Take care :)

Thanks all, doing better relatively speaking. I have been receiving mental health treatment for years, its just an ongoing process not a conclusion. Not binging, drinking iced tea and getting some more help. I'm glad I have SR to turn to. Course don't want to sleep tonight perchance to dream but these kind ofr dreams are rare now just got be unaware and I took the easy road which is really the bridge out ahead road. Today is a new day, today is the only day.

Glad you are here today, you are so right we only have today. Take care.

I know it's an ongoing process Fitz, but call your ex marine therapy guy today.
There's better ways, healthier, more life affirming ways, to deal with PTSD.

There's no shame in calling for reinforcements, man :)

Glad you're back here too :)
D

:)

I did. He chewed my ass off, i'm totally assless but still maybe an ass. :-)

Not sure I know that therapy technique, lol, but I'm glad you called him Fitz :)

D

no need to apologize to us, Fitz. just pull yourself back up and get moving forward again. glad you're here, hon.