Alcoholism is a progressive disease - my story illustrates this.
 

There is a photo of me in my aunt's wedding album, looking adorable while chugging down a glass of champagne; adults all around me with "aww, isn't that cute" expressions. I was two years old.

Alcoholism runs strong on my father's side of the family, it killed my father (liver cancer) and his father (heart attack). Everyone in his family is either a teetotaler, or an alcoholic, no in-between.

At 14, I smoked hash for the first time. From 14-22 I did a lot of drugs, everything from weed or hash to acid, PCP, heroin, coke, shrooms. I graduated high school, went to college, supported myself by working as a bartender (oh, the irony) from age 16 onwards, graduated college, moved to the US and started a company. Despite being high pretty much daily, I was also quite "high achieving." (LOL that sounds funny.)

By my early 20s, I pretty much decided I was done with all the drugs; it felt like a very adult decision. I didn't drink much for a while. In fact, I lived with an alcoholic for a while and was sober all that time, finally left him when his drinking became ridiculous. That felt like an adult decision as well.

By my late 20s, I was partying hard. A couple of times I thought I might have a "drinking problem" because I was starting to stash vodka behind vents and so on, and drinking to make myself feel better. In my late 20s, after some fairly traumatic events, I first saw a shrink and was diagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and on meds. Since then I've been on and off various meds for various diagnoses. This is tied to the alcoholism...I definitely drank in part to shut my head off and get numb.

Twenties and thirties, I went through several phases of sort-of sobriety, but was mostly a party girl with a high-flying crowd...we travelled all over the world, hung out with bands, I somehow managed to get a second four-year degree during that time. I also volunteered and was lauded for that with an award, published some stuff, and was running a company with about ten employees in the busy season. All was good, even when I was drinking a LOT. I could drink most people under the table, not that anyone knew it because by then I was stashing vodka in my purse and chugging it in the ladies room. So it would appear that I as drinking like a normal person in the bar....

By my mid thirties, I was starting to get blackouts and doing really embarassing things at times when drunk. Like, you know, passing out on the floor and peeing my pants. Mostly, though, I was successful and the people I hung out with were also heavy drinkers so it was easy to pretend there wasn't a problem. Also, I was usually on some fairly heavy-duty anti-psychotic meds then, and they don't play well with alcohol so guess what? The meds were the problem, not the drinking! So I decided shrinks and meds were all a big scam, quit that but continued drinking. /headdesk

(If you had told me then that I would end up a poor, solitary, secret drunk in my 50s I would NEVER have believed you!)

By my late 40s, my drinking was a direct causative factor in two divorces, each of which left me somewhat impoverished. I had also stopped drinking in bars and in public by then, because I had gotten to the point where I often blacked out after just a few drinks and I was also getting into weird rages when blacked out. So, best to hide all that from people who knew me....also my tolerance started to go way down; I'd get blind drunk after relatively few drinks.

I had numerous silly attempts at "controlling" my drinking...only on Tuesdays (because trash day was Wednesday and I could get rid of the evidence the very next morning), only drinking beer or wine and so on. Of course none of that ever worked!


Early 50s: By then, I never drank in public and almost everyone who knew me thought I was basically a teetotaller. I explained away bloodshot eyes or dizzyness as allergies. By then, I would get up hungover and go to work, and hit the bottle on the way home. I gave up a lot of friends and hobbies because they got in the way of my drinking. If I DID have to go to some function and pretend to be sober, I prepared by having vodka stashed in my vehicle so the minute I was alone and driving home, I could start chugging. Again, if anyone had tried telling me 20 years ago I'd be doing this, I would have laughed hysterically: not possible, not ME! I'm successful, recognised in my field, I give fancy dinner parties, I have famous friends and people who like me, yada yada.

Guess what, today I am a drunk with few friends (because I blew them all off), a marginal business, and I can't afford to travel anywhere - in fact for the first time in my life I am without a valid passport. I'm not married and my "gentleman friend" is an alcoholic as well. I've lost two properties and only own the one I live in (and it's nothing special, believe me.) And my drinking is the proximate cause for all of this. Plus I have no health insurance currently, so although I appear to have been blessed with an iron constitution and feel absolutely fine, I actually don't know how I'm doing, really.

At 53, I made an earnest and heartfelt attempt to get sober, which lasted 2-3 months and then I drank heavily for 14 months until June 2012. This is me, now at 54, trying again. One of the crazy things? Outside of AA, there is nobody in my life I can tell, because my drinking had become such a solitary, secret thing. The few people I know who know I drink are also alcoholics who don't really want to quit.

If you're in your 20s or 30s and think you're still bullet-proof: you are probably not. Not if you keep on drinking....it only gets worse. Not better. My story is neither special or unusual. Aloholism is progressive. If I'd stopped drinking in my 20s or 30s, I'm convinced I'd be in a much better, happier and serene place today.

It sure is a progressive disease. I'm glad you have a home and a business, so there is hope that your business can improve and you can develop some new relationships. Like you, I drank alone and had pushed away everyone in my life in favour of drinking.

Try to remember that stopping drinking is the beginning. For me, that was when the hard work began. I had a lifetime of issues that I had to face straight on and deal with. You can do this. :)

Thanks so much for sharing your story. It's hard to read people going through hard times but I relate to a lot of it (the early stuff) and could see myself going along the same road before I quit in April. I'm 24 and I'm 3 months and 2 weeks sober now. Your story (especially the last 3 lines) really hit home... I need to be sober for eternity. No matter what.

There's lots of issues with alcohol in my family, too. In fact, pretty much everyone I know drinks FAR too much. It was only when I met my husband and his family and friends that I realised my drinking and the drinking habits of those around me were completely abnormal.

Thanks again for sharing. I wish you all the best on the rest of your recovery.

The first half of the story sounds a lot like mine. I'm 31 and have witnessed my dad going down the path that you just described. So, here I am trying to break the cycle before I end up like him, Old and alone and a prisoner to his disease. I don't want to push everyone out of my life so I can be alone with my disease and drink myself into an oblivion. Thank you for your story.

Thanks, Stevie. I think those of us who are trying to get sober before things get bad really benefit from stories like yours.

Seriously...I never thought about it as being a "progressive" thing until a few days ago when I posted an abbreviated version of that post on another thread. Then I looked at it and was like woah and wtf and holy crap. This is REAL and has real consequences, it impacts your life forever. I was incapable of really seeing that until very recently.

I know it's often a lesson lost on the young, I understand this. But my hat's off to everyone here who recognises alcoholism as a REAL forever problem at a younger age and does something about it!

I always said the one thing I never wanted in life was to regret the undone....but truly, I regret not getting a handle on my alcoholism decades ago when I already realised it was a problem but chose not to do anything about it. It's a sucky feeling getting to your mid-fifties and wishing you'd done things differently; it really is.

Thanks for sharing your story. I see myself in it as well.

I am 43 and vacillate between feeling grateful that I got off of the down elevator before things got worse and the yets started happening, and sadness at the fact that it took me this long to do it.

thankyou .

I can relate. Especially the early drinking. I grew up in a wine region and having beer or whine was normal. Also having some liquor with food was. When I was 10 I loved to eat the choclate with alcohol in it and I would eat the whole box. My grandmother would give me beer with dinner. I learned very early that I can be in social situations where people like me when I just drink enough. From there on I laways drunk. Especially I drunk to get rid of stress, to forget about things and of course when I was nervous. I somehow got my PhD moved through countries without even considering being an alcoholic, until somebody about 5 years ago told me right in my face: you are an alcoholic. It clicked, still took me 3 years to find my way. I stopped completly february 26th 2011. And I am very grateful I have still things left.
Since I stopped I gradually start building a new life, finding new friends and not to ever touch alcohol again.

Good post, I relate. Been trying for continuos sobriety since I was 40 in 1996 have 82 days now. Thanks

Although I would never call it a "progressive disease" or ever acknowledge anyone as having this "disease", I do feel for you.

I actually wrote a grad school paper emphasizing my belief that alcoholism isn't a disease! So, I get you completely....and I am actually not sure , still, on the "disease" model except I knew using the word disease would rank higher on google searches. :) So that's why I put it in the title.

Thank Stevie for sharing and the best of luck to you on your journey...SR is a wonderful place for support, I am 6 1/2 months sober longest in my adult life!..Thanks to SR;)

Stevie...thanks so much for sharing your story. I can really relate to both the highs of life and the lows due to booze and drugs. This disease is progressive indeed. It will lull you into believing you are indestructible, only to remove the floor beneath you. I'm glad you are finding peace in your life now.

thank you so much for your story, Stevie. i do recognize alcoholism as being progressive. i didn't even drink until my early 20s. when i did it was wine coolers and little mixed drinks. i don't think many people take their first drink and just suddenly become raging alcoholics. it went from social drinking one weekend a month to most weekends, every weekend, weekends alone, nightly, then eventually i started drinking earlier and earlier. alcohol made me at ease around people and i learned to use it to make me at ease with myself. it was my medication. my tool. then i became it's tool.

oops meant 'Thank you Stevie' in earlier post

Thank you for sharing your story. I agree about the progressive nature of it.

Best to you.

Stevie,
I can relate. I also don't much care if it is called a disease or not. I don't care if one calls it an addiction. I don't care if someone calls it a separate entity or needs someone or something to blame. It is progressive. I call it a dis-ease. That is why I hyphenate the word. I didn't start the regular daily addiction and physical craving for it until my late 30's. Other than that, as you said, all our stories are not unique in later stages.

What is remarkable isn't so much the progressive nature of this particular dis-ease. But that we drank so much and survived when so many younger alcoholics are dead now.

Thanks for making that point so eloquently.

Thanks guys.

I know most people recognise it as progressive, but I don't think younger/earlier in sobriety people internalise it. I sure as hell didn't; I had to live it to get it. And I KNEW about alcoholism, from my own family and relationships! But that didn't matter once I had a drink in my hand.

I know one or ten or 1,000 cautionary tales like mine won't make a single lick of difference most of the time...but if just one person gets the message, etc.