Really want to quit--question about Aa/Big Book
 

I mentioned in a previous post that I am a (mostly) functional alcoholic who is hoping to quit ASAP. As I said in that previous post (where I solicited medical advice, which I now realize is inappropriate:a213:):

“On average, I drink about 6 beers every weekday. Well, a night, from about 4:00 to 7:00. Or the equivalent in wine or scotch, but mostly high-abv beer.

Then, on weekends, I drink about 4-5 in the morning, then nap with the kids, and 6 or so at night. This past week, more, since it was my wife's 30th birthday. and we went to resort with a heated pool (and a bar...) But otherwise, that's about the average. A lot less than I drank in college (where I got a DUI), or when I was single, but still EVERY darn day. I think I stopped for 2 weeks once, about 10 years ago; otherwise have been a daily drinker for about 15 years.

And even though I wake up every morning wanting to quit, I don't. By that afternoon, I am buying drinks. I have a high tolerance, and rarely get very drunk, and am a good husband and father. But I am nowhere near as good as I would be if I didn't have to time booze naps on weekends and therefore avoid certain family activities, etc., and if I was more thoughtful towards them rather than always thinking of myself and my need to quit or desire to drink, etc. Or god forbid something emergent happen and I am too buzzed to responsibly drive to the hospital, etc. It's just exhausting.”

So that is where I am coming from, addiction-wise. Other substances (pot and pills, mostly [pot seldom, and always out of view from the kiddos] have reared their ugly heads, as well. I drink way too much, think about it way too much, but have thus far managed to avoid a tragedy due to my drinking.

Obviously I want to quit BEFORE I hit the kind of rock bottom that could have a seriously negative effect on me, my family, job, etc. There is no question about that. So here is my question (sorry, took me a while to get around to it): I read AA’s Big Book, just to check it out, and I was kind of blown away at how inaccessible it was to someone who has thus far managed to be (mostly) functional in his or her alcoholism. It actually has “definitions” for alcoholics, where a “real alcoholic” is “always more or less insanely drunk,” among many other tragic descriptions.

If one is not that bad, then he or she is a “heavy drinker,” rather than a “real alcoholic.” Even the first-person descriptions which take up most of the book are all rock-bottom tragedies, which are hard for me to relate to (yet, thank god).

Now, don’t get me wrong. Whether I am defined as a heavy drinker or a real alcoholic I recognize the danger to my health and psyche and want/need to quit. My question is in the context of whether I should attend a meeting. While my friends and family are supportive, there is no one who has the monkey on their back like I do, and I would like to speak with others. It is just that these definitions and descriptions have me feeling more isolated with the AA community than being able to relate with them. I mean, if their Big Book won't recognize me as a real alcoholic, do I even belong there?

Does this make sense? I have been trying to wrap my head around this for a while now (like every day when I tell myself that this is the day I will go to a meeting instead of the convenience store… It really sucks to be wrong every night and feel like a failure every morning!)

Stick with this thought and know this ...... AA's third tradition: The only requirement for A.A. membership is a desire to stop drinking. *emphasis is mine*

If you think AA will help you out then my all means attend. It saved my life.

So awesome that you already read the BB .... I never even considered that.

Well, you're concerned. I guess that's a good thing. Some people define alcoholism by the presence or absence of withdrawal symptoms when the booze is witheld. Some people define it by the regularity of drinking. Some people define it by the level of obsession and the effect it has on the other facets of your life. There's lots of yardsticks to measure by.

I've seen people at AA meetings that are in pretty much the same spot you are. They're told, "Try to drink moderately. If you can, you're probably not an alcoholic." The pattern you've established, and particularly the booze naps, are worrisome.

Welcome aboard and that is just a description of 1 type of alcoholic. Dont get caught up in the wording. :)

I am in AA and would not be here without it. Not only does it help with the drinking it helps in my whole life. Its the best therapy for me out there, and its free. :)

There are many people waiting to meet you and become friends for life in the rooms. :)

Keep us posted .

Did you read the short stories in the back of the book? About those who caught it early/stopped in time? I think you may have a fair bit of identification there...

When I first considered that I was an alcoholic, I wanted to know for sure, so I thought reading the AA Book was the best way to get info... I work in publishing and have all my schooling in literature, so I tend to go straight to books for answers. This is not always the best way :)

I think many people in my place are intimidated or scared to go to a meeting and feel they don't belong. And I think those parts of the Book made me feel that way before I even gave it a chance. Which means I likely over analyzed (wouldn't be the first time).

I didn't consider the requirement as important as the definitions, which I think actually says a lot about what my earlier commitment to quitting was. I read this book of fiction where a character mentions that "you don't need to relate, just identify," and that speaks to me greatly, because we can all identify with a situation, and as alcoholics, see ourselves in someone's shoes. And that helps up be more empathetic. Anyway, that is what I am hoping to get out of AA...

Welcome ForMyKids...Would you say you can control your drinking?....It doesn't really sound like it...And it doesn't get better with time...I know that much.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

big book first edition pg30

I've heard other people say they were intimidated to go to an AA meeting. I go to lots of meetings in several different towns. Some are "better" than others, probably more attendant on my mood on any given day than the quality of the meeting, but they've all been welcoming.

Jump in, the water's fine.

[QUOTE=Sapling;3340012]Welcome ForMyKids...Would you say you can control your drinking?....It doesn't really sound like it...And it doesn't get better with time...I know that much.

I do not believe I can control my drinking. There was one bit in the Big Book reflections that I REALLY related to (emphasis and ellipses mine).

That week I had to go to a hockey game. It was a work event, so I tried to really watch my drinking, consuming only two large cups of beer which, for me, wasn’t even enough to catch a buzz....

[So on] Super Bowl Sunday, when I enjoyed it, I couldn’t control it, and at the hockey game when I controlled it, I couldn’t enjoy it. There was no more denying that I was an alcoholic. What an epiphany!

That really speaks to me and my situation, even if her overall drinking levels don't match mine (which doesn't matter).

I can relate to your situation as I at one time shared similar drinking and thinking habits. I recently went sober and have yet to attend an AA meeting but intend to on Monday next, resulting from a conversation I had with an old friend who is 30 yrs sober and still attends 5 meetings a week. He explained to me that there are all levels/types of people with drinking and substance abuse issues attending...even some with problems not associated with alcohol etc.

I thought my drinking pattern was under control but let me tell you, it gradually got worse and worse. I started to hide my drinking, frequently taking swigs right out of the bottle, when my wife wasn't around...I never drank myself drunk, but just tried to maintain a buzz...but after a while it was taking more and more, and I wasn't even getting the same euphoric escape feelings which I was looking for...

Like you I also did small amts of drugs, and I used to feel it was OK since I never got too high, just that buzz which made living more enjoyable. Truth is, I was living a life of fear, afraid of problems, failure, acceptance, even though I was very successful I would worry about crazy stuff which never happened. Another thing my friend told me after I told him how pathetic I felt about myself was that there are all kinds of people going to AA, Drs.,lawyers, priests, ministers, police, teachers, construction workers, etc. and not to feel so down because I was in good company...He also told me that it sounded like I was an alcoholic (which I knew deep down inside) but hearing it from him, seemed to make it more real to me. From what I read about you, it sounds like you too are and alcoholic. i'm gonna get some help, you should too.

Good post 26thw...I just have one question for you...Why would you wait till a week from Monday to go to your first meeting?

This is why I came to this forum. Thanks so much. It DOES help to hear it, and it does help to be reminded: Aside from the pattern I have mentioned, it is not that uncommon for me to buy a small bottle of scotch and hide it from my wife, taking swigs to supplement my beers and avoid the extra "empties count," etc. And you said it better than me. Just trying to maintain buzz, not trying to black out, trying to stay euphoric. But it just takes more and more. Booze, pain pills*, you name it. It always takes more. Thanks again for the reminder.

*While I do not currently have a physical addiction to pain meds (mostly because I do not have access to any), this has been a big problem for in the past, causing me to do things I never would have otherwise, such as stealing from family and friends' medicine cabinets, more than once, etc. But since I had liked to mix a little booze with my pills, booze was still always back there as a motivator, egging me on.

I'm starting to remember some awful things, and that might be a good step. I've told my wife all about thievery and dishonesty mentioned above, and she tells me to let it go, it was a long time ago, just NEVER do it again. But I haven't forgiven myself for them. But I think that's another post!

I have out of town guest visiting. Doing the good host thing.

They have a beginner's meeting this evening. I believe I will give it a shot. If not, I am still committed to be sober, starting now (well, 6 hours ago, as I've been at work :))

Thanks, everyone.

That's cool...I think you'll like AA....Take your buddy with 30 years and pick his brain clean....I have a few friends in AA like that...And they are invaluable.

This may be your lucky day ! Welcome aboard...

Bob R

I'm glad that you're seeking support. :)

The quote "
That week I had to go to a hockey game. It was a work event, so I tried to really watch my drinking, consuming only two large cups of beer which, for me, wasn’t even enough to catch a buzz....

[So on] Super Bowl Sunday, when I enjoyed it, I couldn’t control it, and at the hockey game when I controlled it, I couldn’t enjoy it. There was no more denying that I was an alcoholic. What an epiphany![/I]"


Where is this from? The book? It's so true. This is the biggest problem for myself, being able to stop once I start. As I mentioned in the last week I drank some wine while my daughter was at school, and didn't ( couldn't) stop until, after picking her up and cooking dinner and passing out eventually - without the memory... This is the most irresponsible thing I've done, and I don't want to risk it again. I'm done with drinking and risking - I'd much rather have ONE regret than TWO - that's what it comes down to - or TEN instead of ELEVEN for some people. I would rather have my child be safe in the presence of THE PARENT, the SOLE RESPONSIBLE PROVIDER and ROLE MODEL - than have there be a margin of risk - who wants to live with a margin of risk when it comes to children?!? Not me. And judging your choice of username FORMYKIDS and the way you spoke about the importance of your family, then my guess is neither do you.

I think find what works to stop drinking, and just stick with it - lets enjoy our children while they are still kids!

Sending a big hug, from a passionate newcomer...

I drank the same way you did - pretty much every day, but always trying to maintain the appearance of normality. I didn't have any horror stories, but it controlled my life just the same.

When AA was born, alcoholics were looked on as hopeless cases. I think that's why the Big Book reads that way - there wasn't any education or help, so people just went from bad to worse until they were put away. Look at it as an example of how bad this disease can get, even if you're not there now.

It took weeks, if not months of sobriety for me to see clearly just how pervasive my desire to drink was and all the subtle ways it affected my life (and in turn, my family). I think you're going to find a real mix of experience at AA, including people just like you. Congrats for taking action and welcome to the forum!:grouphug:

One follow-up question, for those who are familiar with AA. Do you recommend having the first meeting be a Beginner Meeting and sharing (which is a large source of my intimidation and hesitancy) with others?

Or go (same day same time) to a bigger discussion to listen and get the idea of things. I am tempted by the latter, since I wouldn't know what to say in the beginner's meeting (or rather, I would spend most of the time trying to think all the things I want to say and ignoring what others are saying, at least the first meeting).

Thoughts?

Personally, I'd recommend the Beginner's Meeting - you're more likely to find people who are starting off just like you and the topic will more likely be about taking the first step, realizing there's a problem, making a decision to get sober, etc....... In a discussion meeting it could be about anything (tackling resentments, loneliness, whatever).

No one is going to ask you to give a speech (!)... a lot of people don't say much they're first meeting other than why they're there (drinking is a problem and they want to get sober). Everyone is scared at first and believe me, they understand because they remember being there!

You don't have to say anything...They'll ask in the beginning if it's anybody's first meeting...You can raise your hand and introduce yourself....If you don't want to share...Just say I'll pass...I'd like to listen...They'll keep it basic as you probably won't be the only newcomer there...Just listen and learn....I'd recommend showing up 15 minutes early and meeting some people before...They're great people....Doing what you want to do.

Beginners meetings are great - why not make it a habit of going?

As far as sharing -- that's totally up to you. If you feel more comfortable listening, just say so. There's no reason you have to share.

listen to AA speakers on xa-speakers.org and see if you can identify with any of them!

I think you owe it to yourself to look at other approaches besides AA. Nothing wrong with being an educated consumer!

For starters, here's a link to SMART Recovery:

Self Help Substance Abuse &amp Addiction Recovery | SMART Recovery®

Maybe AA isn't the best fit for you. I personally don't think you have anything to lose by going to check out a meeting, except perhaps an hour of your time. The only requirement to being a member of AA is a desire to quit drinking, so if you want to go the AA route it's definitely open to you.

But don't close yourself off from other recovery options as well -- AVRT, SMART, etc. In my experience the best recovery program for you is the one that you feel you identify the best with, feel most at home practicing and agree with ideologically. If you can find a program that can tick all those boxes I think you're in good shape to quit.

Best wishes,

In AA I've heard countless people's stories over time, and they are as varied as the individuals who tell them. As you might imagine some include great darkness.

One of the worst I've heard is a woman who had the responsibility for the care of small children. She needed to drink, but the kids needed care. She'd drink and fear something would happen to them while she was unable to deal with it. She'd fear that people would find out and take them away from her, the important thing in her life would be gone from her drinking, but she had to drink and she had to take care of them...

Nothing much ever happened, but how she lived for those years before doing AA...gives me the chills right now.

AA, through it's members, close study of it's literature, and your experience with the steps can inform you regarding your alcoholism, which is not about events, adventures, amounts, bank balances, length of rap sheet. Being informed is nice, but what's of real use is it offers a solution for our shared problem that works well for the relatively few who expend some small efforts to utilize it.

If you go, you'll see people new, some sober only 20 years, and people with double that time sober and more. Each went to their first meeting unsure if they were the real thing.

It may take months of doing AA to get that, though you have suspicions it's so now. Gaining that understanding is important and worthwhile. And available to you.

Should you seek clarity regarding your alcoholism and not find it there's nothing lost but a few hours a week that would have been given to being sick otherwise.

Really, I don't see that it matters much. When I was new, I was very concerned about impressing ppl at the tables or, at the least NOT saying something "dumb." That had me sitting in the group worrying about what I was going to say more than listening and learning. Even at the beginner's meetings, you don't have to share every time you're there. In fact, I usually recommend my sponsees listen and pass when it's their "turn" so they don't get hung up on what they're going to say and can focus on what the experienced ppl are saying.

Personally, I like open talk meetings a lot as well. Usually the speaker is qualified to be up there, they've worked the steps and generally have a good message.....usually one I need to hear. It helps me to remember, most of the really important things I've learned came from someone's mouth other than mine so, at a meeting, I need to focus on what I hear, not what I'm going to say.

As far as what you referred to as the definition.....I think you got it just a little out of whack. AA uses as a definition of the real (aka chronic) alcoholic someone with the physical craving that develops once you start to drink and the mental compulsion to pick up the first one even when you've decided not to drink. The part you mentioned from p21 I misread the first time through the book. I thought that meant an alcoholic was drunk all the time.....it doesn't. I'm a real alkie myself and I wasn't "insanely drunk" all the time. When I was drinking though, it was VERY rare that I'd have one or two, get a mild buzz, and leave it at that. In my drinking experience, if I was gonna start drinking, I was gonna "do it right" and get pretty well loaded. TO ME, having 3 quadruple Captain and Coke's was a "decent buzz" but it was around 5-7 that I liked to "maintain." To an ordinary (social) drinker, I probably appeared quite drunk. In my mind, that level felt "just right." And keep in mind, all those descriptions end with this comment:
- not exactly. :)

Also, since you're looking for advice on AA, it would probably help to toss some posts up where most of the AA ppl hang out here on SR - in the 12Step area. You'll find a lot of ppl there who've used the program successfully for many weeks, months, years and even a handful who've used it successfully for several decades. Lots and LOTS of wisdom down there if you want it.

Hi there. I definately felt the same when I read the book but when I went to a meeting it wasn't like that. I was a highly functional heavy nightly boozer. There were people there that drank more and people that drank less. The best advice for me was to look for similarities not the differences. I LOVE listening to people speak, so fascinating and nice to know I'm not alone in this crazy behavior!

I'm a mum and can I tell u that after the first HARD month life is amazing! I have soooooo much more fun with my daughter and rarely feel irritable which I often used to. Don't waste another minute numbing yourself from the fun and love u could be feeling! You'll know what I mean when u get here (I'm only 8 weeks).

All the best :)

Did you follow through with going to that meeting?

How did it go?