I like your name, Nextchapter. It tells me you are ready to move on. Congrats on your previous success in changing your life. My experience has been that repeated efforts such as that result in success. It takes a lot to change years or decades of established patterns. For instance, I've quit smoking 100s of times over the years. My current quit smoking date has been since 1/1/12. I also tried quitting drinking dozens of times, and now have 7.5 months without a drink. You can do this thing if you set your mind to it.

I also want to say I admire your life decision of not becoming your father. I am sorry for your loss of him. But, we all need to become ourselves, and sometimes don't feel the freedom to do so in a family relationship or marriage. For me, this is where AA has brought immense value to my life. Quitting drinking was just the start. Then comes sobriety, and learning to live happily without needing or wanting a drink. And, now, along comes my identity, which I had long since buried and forgotten about while drinking to be someone else. Guess what? That identity is coming naturally, because its who I am.

If you can quit for that reason alone, you have a wonderful life in store. Blessings.

Good that you don't want to suffer as your dad did (RIP). Just a guess, but it's likely he also had a relation he didn't want to pattern his drinking and suffering after.

If you do something to permanently alter things instead of simply wanting them to be different perhaps you won't be the relative younger family members sure don't want to wind up like but do anyway.

I AM ready to move on. It all started with my dad's death. Even though we weren't close, it was mostly because of his drinking and inability to connect with anyone, including his own kids. He was surrounded with love (even between his wife and his ex, my mom) and he never even knew it.

I started my recovery with therapy and it worked well but now that I've stopped, the demon is moving in again. And even though I hate it, and swear every morning that I won't drink today ... I still do lately. I need a new plan.

When I leave work at 5, it's nip time. I'm going to hopefully find some meetings that are around that time so I can head straight there and not to the liquor store. This forum is helping a lot. I read it during it day on my iphone.

It's funny that I know part of recovery is changing your playground, but my friends aren't the problem. None of them drink except maybe 2 beers at the most when we get together and I don't even drink more than that.. They don't have a clue that I have a problem because I only drink alone. I told my best friend and she was shocked. I keep it well hidden.

I know that I can't beat this alone because I've proved that. Thanks everyone for your posts!

I need AA as well. It has kept me sober and (relatively) sane for almost 23 yrs.

All the best.

Bob R

That's probably the saddest place you can be in your life...I know...Get to some meetings...Get a sponsor and make your priority working the 12 steps...It worked for me...And it will work for you.

I'm in the abyss again. I was doing so good ... working out, not drinking but then I decided a couple weeks ago that a couple of shots of whiskey was ok and but that lasted for week and it's never ok

I took Friday off and I guess just decided to go on a binge. I was so happy going to the therapist and being sober....

I need to get back with her AND do some meetings. I hate being a drunk!!

If it gets much worse you will have to go to AA.

All the best.

Bob R

Keep going. Maybe a time of no drink followed by a thought about if drinking is best.
Keep in here it helps.
John.

I think nothing counts like action when you're in the middle of a binge nextchapter.
I really hope you'll find some help - now - and use it.

D

Thank you everyone for your words. I've been on such a bad bender since Thursday night. I woke up Friday morning with a terrible hangover and told myself to take a day of vacation and decide where I needed to go from here. Well, where I went was back to the liquor store Friday afternoon, then home to sleep, up to drink more, then back on Saturday, home to sleep, back up to drink more .... it's a nightmare!

Tomorrow it's some AA meetings. I've lined up some here in the area. Substance abuse is nightmare. Who cares what went wrong ... it just needs to be fixed! I was so proud of myself for losing 38 pounds and getting in shape but here I am not working out and in time I'll gain the weight back. It's an endless cycle that I can't seem to beat....

How did you guys pick a sponsor? I know you listen to people in the meetings and find someone you relate to, but do you just pull them aside and ask them?

I just went up to a guy after a meeting and asked him...Told him what I wanted...He talked about recovery and the steps in the meetings...And I told him that's what I wanted to do.

"Who cares what went wrong ... it just needs to be fixed!"

If you don't know what went wrong, ya can't fix it. Going to AA will be a good way to figure this out so you don't repeat the same mistakes and find yourself right back where you are today.

I watched and listened for awhile to get a feel for the people in my AA group, and then chose someone who I felt I could relate with. Someone who knew how to work the steps, who had a good amount of sobriety under their belt, and who had what I wanted. It's not a choice you have to make at your first meeting, but don't wait too long either. The more meetings you go to, the better feel you'll have for the people there.

You CAN beat this. I know you can. :)

Thanks Desertsong, it doesn't matter (well yes it does) what went wrong but I intend to fix it. What went wrong is that I don't have a support group and I don't go to meetings. I haven't used everything available to me and I haven't faced it as the adversary that it is.

Now you know what you're up against...That's good..

I related to someone and she took me through the steps. She lives in California, I am in Maryland, so my next sponsor was chosen for me. I tend to choose people who will believe my manipulations, so my "picker" is broken.

Pray on it, too!

After binging for three days I'm determined to drive PAST the liquor store and make it to my first AA meeting. That little voice is starting though and telling me that old familiar place is there waiting like an old friend after just a few sips. This is tough.

How did you guys make that step?

I walked through the doors...Introduced myself....And said I need help.....9 Months ago today.

If you show up early, shake some hands and let them know you don't want to drink again they'll take you along. If you slink in late and leave without interacting then that avenue of help is closed to you.

I tailed my prospective sponsor in meetings and at coffee after for weeks before asking him for his help. That opened a door for me, and I highly recommend you also open that door for yourself.

I went and it was great! A woman took me under her wing and showed me around, introduced me and led me to the beginner's meeting. During the meeting the women passed around an envelope and at the end they gave it to me with thier phone numbers. What a great experience!

OH! And thank you all for the welcome and the support that got me there. You guys are awesome!