Conflicted
 

I want to go to treatment but:
A. I'd have to jeapardize my job
B. I'd have to quit a semester of school
C. I don't have medical insurance
D. I would lose my family

I'm conflicted. Other than my health and sanity deteriorating rapidly I'm "functional" but this addiction is just killing me. I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. I have a BUSY schedule and I don't have a lot of time to allocate to recovery/AA right now. I think I have to take a sabbatical to get my issues sorted out. i work at 4 in the morning and that made me miserable so I started buying adderall from my "guy". help me get thru my shift.

I have plenty of money. Work is going well people love me there. School is going OK, not great, but OK. I felt like such a piece of crap for so many years. I'm just a kind, funny, intelligent, good looking human being who is being tarnished by addiction. I've been trying to get clean since June of 2010 and have had nominal success. What approach should I take to make it work finally?

Hi suic. Welcome back :) I'm curious - if you don't have time for AA meetings, how are you going to find time to go to a treatment center? I don't mean to sound rude, but maybe if you put a bit more effort into getting and staying sober you'll see better results. As you've no doubt learned by now, it's not that easy to conquer addiction. It is possible to beat addiction with hard work and an open mind. Your best bet might be to start smaller, but bring total commitment. Rehab won't help you if you still want to drink & use. You'll have spent a lot of time and money to be safely put away from your DOC for a week or two and then you'll be back out where it's available everywhere, everyday. I'm not saying inpatient treatment isn't a good idea, but with so much at stake why not try something else first, like AA, or one of the secular recovery programs?

I only know of 1 good meeting in all of Minnesota. and that's at 12 and i'm always busy at 12. a good sponsor would help.

Hi Suic

The thing is if you don't make time for *something*...then all that stuff thats important to you - job school money family - you're simply putting at risk anyway.

It's not a what if...it's really a when.

D

I'm going to state the obvious... but you can't get a sponsor without going to some meetings, right? What about meetings that aren't as good but fit your schedule? People who are hungry enough will eat grass and sticks and shoes. You've got to really want this, suic.

Not wanting it enough has definetly always been my problem. The consequences haven't been nearly bad enough to make that so. As I said other than my liver being almost dead I haven't faced any real backlash when I use drugs. People don't even say anything or they don't notice. It takes immense skill to be able to live the way I do and also be functional.

The people at work and school would probably say "I never knew Joey drank until I saw him sober".

I've said stuff like this before and believed it. Now that I'm sober, I know how wrong I was. Even so, if you keep abusing your already damaged liver, you probably won't go without serious consequences for long. People who are hungry eat grass and shoe leather. You've got mac and cheese in front of you and you're upset it isn't filet mignon lol!

The longer you stay on this path, the fewer and less attractive your options and outcome become. Why not do yourself a favor and get the hard part out of the way now, before you have to do the hard stuff anyway AND you lose your family, health, job, or life?

I keep holding on to the idea that continued drug use would be an asset in my life as opposed to a huge liability.

Isn't that f'd up. I'm here for a reason. I belong here on this forum. My substance abuse issues are more acute than Andy Reid's obesity. I took an "am i an addict quiz" and scored a 9. They say if you score 6-8 your in deep water.

Hitting Rock Bottom
 

Hi Suic,
I know all the things you are saying because I said them too. I'm sorry that I haven't read this whole thread, but I will. I noticed you were online so I wanted to offer my support. I will write back in a few minutes.
Carol

I"m currently under the influence of three drugs so I dunno how helpful this can be currently. I've been screwed up for like 80 hours consecutively. So under those circumstances I honestly don't know if this can be taken seriously.

how "rock bottem" is that? being zonked while surfing a recovery website and reading advice from folks trying to help me? Give me a gold medal :rotfxko

.....and the crowd goes silent. :rotfxko

Understanding that your ambivalence needs to be dealt with is important. I lied to myself for a long time about many aspects of it, including how functional I was. Looking back I can see thinks got worse and started to get better at the same time in that even I could not believe my ******** anymore and I started to realise I was starting to have a coarsening of my emotions, and was predictably unpredictable at work. Anyway it is all better now.

You've been here a while suic, so I'll be straight to the point with you.

In essence, when you break it down, it's pretty simple - you can be like me and count on what you see as your immense skill to continue to see you through - but it won't ...not indefinitely. Thats a promise.

I think you know that too or you wouldn't be back here.

That slide, where you go from The Guy to 'that guy' is not something I'd wish on anyone.

I really really encourage you to think about what you're going to do next.

If you want changes you need to make changes.
If you want things to be different, you need to do things differently.

And I think you pretty much need to start from now, suic.

D

My thinking is just so irrational. I don't know how to fight that sometimes.

Yeah I think a lot of us had that inner turmoil

I found that I played into perpetuating the cycle a lot of times by arguing internally - which ever 'me' won, essentially I lost...

when I decided to drink or drug I lost...and when I decided not to, sooner or later - sometimes even just 5 mins later - I'd have the same discussion again - and more often than not the inevitable giving in ensued again.

Action really was the key to me breaking the cycle - not endless winning or losing arguments with myself.

You already know what you need to do suic - why not just...do it?

D

It's weird it's like I don't think of recovering addicts- either here or in meetings- as addicts at all. I think of them as judgemental tee-totalers. I really am missing the point of this website.

Mark is the funniest example. Always jokes with me like being sarcastic saying "so you're still alive, huh, wow what a miracle". I'll be you think the exact same thing when you see me. lol

Simple answer....Don't think.....Listen to someone that has done what you want...And let them show you how to do it. Get off your high horse...Get humble...And get busy....Or keep killing yourself....Your choice...Nobody here can make you do it.

Alcoholism is deadly. For most of us, it will rob us of our sanity, health, financial security, jobs and relationships before it gives us that last acute horrific death. Some of us will go faster due to accidents or suicide.

And I put that in the most simple literal language I could. No drama, no exaggeration.

If you got that diagnosis with a physical/medical condition, would you treat it? how far would you go? Would you at least attempt to use any of several methods that have proved effective in other people with that condition?

Some of us would say no. Some of us would say yes. But that is pretty much the situation.

Most of the people here are not judgemental, many are tee totalers because their lives depend on it. Nearly all of us have been in a situation very very similar to your own, and many of us have gone farther down the tubes than you have.

People here aren't preaching, they are sharing their own experiences with others, who have self identified by coming to this site in the first place.

That's pretty much the lay of the land.

There is your answer.

Take it from a chronically relapsing alcoholic/addict of 56 who let his disease rule when he had plenty of chances, not including much good quality recovery, to not have taken it more seriously, and find myself a quarter mill in debt, less than 48 hours sober, almost at the point of losing all I worked for all my life, including one that loves me........trying one more time, to get off the canvas before the count of ten.......

You don't want to take this lightly, and wind up like me......

Yeah.....I never thought so either.......

Rex

What approach you take is entirely up to you, but you may want to look into the method of Rational Recovery, known as AVRT. It is an aggressive 'program' of self-recovery that can be learned from reading alone. It is completely private, with no meetings, and no time away from home, school, or work. There is an active thread on it in the secular connections forum.

I'm curious about your comment that you don't have time for AA or some other recovery program. Why not use the time you would be at a bar or drinking to pursue that?

I'm a newbie here but I will share with you the simplest, and yet (for me) most profound piece of advice I saw here...

Which will you regret more...taking a drink or refusing a drink?

Getting sober is hard, boring, physically and emotionally demanding, etc. So is drinking. There is some great advice and support on this site to help with the process. Yes, there may be some "judgemental teetotalers", but they are few and far between. Personally, I feel lucky to have found this place and these folks.

We are definitely not a bunch of judgemental teetotlars here. :)

Suic, in your original post on this thread, you said that you will lose your family if you seek help for your addiction. I hope that's not true.

Consider the possibility that habitual alcohol and drug abuse can make one self-conscious, paranoid, and thin-skinned. It's quite possible that this assumption is not always grounded in reality, given the nature of addiction.

I work at 445 in the morning. Adderall is essential for me to last through those shifts. I have to get it illegally from drug dealers tho.

I used to work shiftwork - my father worked shiftwork for 40 years.
Adderal - or any other drug - was not essential for either of us to do that suic.

You really have to decide what side of the fence you're on, man...if my experience is any guide, while you're dithering, things will get worse.

D

Good luck on your journey.