I am glad to read your post. You sound a lot like me and I have been on and off the wagon more times than I can count in the past few years. Like you, I've been binge drinking every day for the past week or two. I guess the important thing is to not give up and come back.

It will happen one day. And if after a year you slip, well, hopefully you'll say "Man, I really didn't need that after all." And go another year without a drink.

Thanks Lilac. Is it day 1 for you today?

I definitely have a lot of experience with relapses. I know that's not that unusual. I heard someone once right, "I had to drink every drink I drank to realize I could never drink again."

Yes, day one again for me. I've been hiding my drinking from my husband. He's out of town this weekend, and I am so tempted to go get another bottle to ease the loneliness I am feeling. Not to mention the physical discomfort I'm experiencing.

That's a tough one. I know whenever my wife would go on a trip, that was a serious trigger for me to go on a rediculous bender. I can never hide the drinking from her well. She can tell immediately when I'm drinking. Unfortunately she drinks too much as well. No where near the levels I down, but enough to see she has a problem. I'm not blaming her for anything, but her drinking around me all the time makes staying away from it very difficult. Plus she never makes a stand when I give in to alcohol again. I would rather she just slap me and say I'm being a good for nothing father to my too daughters by hitting the bottle. But I have no one to blame but myself.

I know the feeling. What's the longest you made it sober?

Welcome back Bri :)

i think the thing is to never give up - if you've tried AA and RR - and you feel you really gave it your best shot, keep looking for support - there's many other approaches and methods out there

Have you considered rehab?
D

I know I've had those feelings. They weren't as empty as the ones I have now. Or as heart wrenching and depressing. But it's definitely not easy.

I just got a text from my wife a few minutes ago, saying, "I'm picking up some wine, do you want some?" .....sigh. Of course for a moment there my twisted mind says, "You know I really could use a drink."

The message I sent back was that I'm quitting, and that I can't drink anymore. It's hard to quit when your spouse just really wants a drinking buddy.

Day 3 today. I had a horrible sleep last night. Awful dreams. Of course I knew that was to be expected. Dreams involving family members telling me of my failures in life, disappointed individuals who I haven't spoken to in ages. Talk about some repressed feelings coming up. I have a feeling there's going to be many hidden feelings I'm going to have to deal with in the next while, rather then just drinking to suppress it all.

I understand that - I also understand you could get fired from your job if you keep drinking too.

I'm not saying rehab's the answer - I don't know what your answer is - only you can work that out - but you owe it to yourself to try everything that's available and appropriate for you, Ahab...if you're not getting support at home it's probably even more important to have some other kind of support network going....

You can do this :)

D

Thanks Dee. I am considering the idea of going to AA meetings. I've always stubbornly refused it. Right now I don't want to be anywhere near people if humanly possible.

I feel pretty horrible this evening. I'm shaking like a leaf, and I have horrible anxiety. Sadly I've been much worse in the past. I've suffered hallucinations, been taken to the emergency room. I'm only 35 and I know one day it will lead me to an early death.

Maybe - I know some pretty old alcoholics.
Sometimes Fate has a dark sense of humour.

The best way to avoid it all is keep on doing what you're doing ahab - don't drink.
(and see a Dr if you get concerned about your health)

D

Very true. I think the early death sounds better then that. I think I'll go for plan C though.

Ahab, hang in there. The shakes are definitely scary. I know for me it's helpful when I go through withdrawal to make sure I am eating regular, healthy meals. Lean protein and lots of fruits and veggies. Helps me with the shakes, though I've not ever had that for more than a day.
Keep checking in here. I'm totally rooting for you!!! I do know from my many getting sober experiences that the sleeplessness does go away. Instead of tossing and turning, I get up and read for a while til I am sleepy again. I had wicked insomnia myself last night, complete with waking up sweating after scary dreams. I feel your pain.

Thanks Lilac. I have been eating lots of veggies and fruit. I intend to keep healthy in all ways. I'm not looking forward to tonight's sleep as its definitely going to be another rough one. The dreams themselves are so vivid and disturbing. I have no choice but to get through it though.