I was drunk the past 4 days.
 

I mean, DRUNK. 18-20 case of beer a night. Staying up until 6AM. I am so pathetic. I got 4 hours of sleep last night, yet im still at work, exhausted. I dont want to be this person anymore, I just dont understand why the hell I am so powerless over a LIQUID! I am so depressed, im lucky I even wake up to face the day. My constant thoughts are to better myself for my child, yet I still do it. My daughter does not deserve a drunk as a mother, I am sick. I tried the free rehab (salvation army) and all it was is people that have to quit, not WANT to. I cant do this anymore. I am already suicidal. A young man (17) laid his head down on the train tracks behind my house the other day, and was decapitated. All I could do was envy him. No pain, sorrow, just ENVY. That scares me. I just needed to vent, sorry guys. SR is a great community, with great people. Thanks for allowing me to vent, i needed it.

I don't understand this? Are you saying rehab didn't 'work' because of the other people there?

Yes, as soon as we got out for the day, they would just try to convince me to go to the bar, its all court mandated.

Domenica2,
I'm pretty new at this, but I just want to say that several days sober have given me a little chance to breathe and string some days together so I can see that I'm better off now than I was. This site is amazing and I hope you keep coming. Good Luck!

Dom,

You are doing the right thing by posting and seeking support. It is pretty evident that drinking is making you miserable and that you desperately want to stop drinking. Harnass that desire to stop in any way you can. Remember the week you stopped drinking? Envision that. Envision the type of person you want to be. Envison having pride in yourself instead of the horrible feelings associated with driking and its aftermath. When your able, try to identify the triggers (stress, boredom, etc.) and ways to cope with them in a sober fashion. Try AA again, it seemed to be helpful for you. God Bless you and DON"T EVER GIVE UP. Believe in yourself. You deserve better.

I can't begin to tell you how many times I felt like this Dominica. I put alcohol before everything. Even being a mother. The last time I ended up in the hospital thinking I was dying. I made my 21 year freak out and cry because I sent her a text saying goodbye. She thought I was going to kill myself. I didn't want to die but quite frankly, I didn't want to live like that either. She and my ex came to my house and almost broke my door down. You should have seen the look on her face and the tears and fear in her eyes. That was it. I never want to hurt my girls like that again. the worst of it was going through the withdraws. Once they were over, it got better. Only because I wanted it bad enough. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I really understand. You and your child deserve to be happy. You can do this. Its worth it. Thank you for posting. I was feeling pretty rough today. You reminded me of how much I have to loose. Big hugs!

What's this have to do with YOUR sobriety? Didn't they have Doctor's there for you to learn from? Techniques on how to get and stay sober? YOU caused this situation, YOU can control YOUR situation and YOU can certainly CURE YOURSELF, whether alone or with help.

Did YOU notice a common theme?

I really miss being sober, Thanks for the support. One day, I will beat this, hopefully sooner, rather than later.

Dom, I think you should give the Salvation Army rehab a chance. You can choose to not go to the bars at the end of the day. That's up to you to decide, but I hate to see you give up the opportunity to get healthy because of that.

Believe in yourself that you can do this!

I will use all caps. LIGHTEN UP ON THE GIRL! She is struggling.

Vent all you want, Domenica, but I'm not sure it's going to help you recover from alcoholism.

Your description sounds pretty powerless over alcohol, and your life sounds pretty unmanageable. Know that I've felt exactly the same way. I ran through doctors, medications, counselors, outpatient treatment, rehab, and AA meetings and failed to stay sober for very any real length of time.

I found a solution in the 12 Steps of AA. So have a couple million others. Got that? A couple million people, who were once every bit as hopeless as you are, and every bit as powerless as you are, and who had lives every bit as out of control as yours, have found lasting, contented sobriety, and a life beyond their expectations by thoroughly taking the 12 Steps of AA.

Not always easy, but a very simplistic program that changes the emotional and spiritual nature of one's very being.

Thanks everyone, I just dont think I have ever felt this suicidal, I just dont know how to cope, alcohol is my numbing agent, IT BRINGS MORE PROBLEMS THAN IT SOLVES. This is a viscious cycle, I really need to break it. Now.

Hi Dominica,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling this low. If you are feeling suicidal, you might want to take a look at this thread.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

I would really encourage you to get help, today. No, AA is not what you need right now, feeling suicidal. They won't be able to help you with that.
I would recommend calling a help line listed above, or call your Dr. or go to the ER.
You can get better, believe me. But you need to take that step, preferably today.
Please do it.

Thank you Frankie.I will look into it.

I agree with everyone. You need to seek help for the suisidal thoughts. My prayers are rith you.
I wish you the best.

Saliena

Please read again!

Are you near a phone? Can you call the hot line, or your Dr. now?

I can on my lunch break. Thanks for the uinput everyone.

I dont want to be this person anymore, Those are the words that changed my life. I was looking into the mirror once again. Trying to gather myself together so that I could fake my way through the morning at work until my brain got to a level of sobriety where I could function on a normal level. Been there???? Yep! It sucked beyond words. But those eight words passed my lips for years. Finally when I muttered those words to myself and looked into the mirror and saw 1/4 of the man that use to be there....I truly meant it.
I was tempted....my wife never quit drinking....but it was my life that concerned me. What kind of father acts like this???? I was so selfish. My health. My reality. This drunk could not be me. But it was. I had become that guy. I cried.....I was angry......I was sad.......I got down on my knees and prayed to God to help me.
This is where my life turned around.
I dont know if you believe in a higher power. I do. I believe in God, Allah, Budda, Inner Power, Outter power. It all comes from within. We carry it in our heart. I feel that we all need a little help in our back pocket when it comes to fighting off our demons. I do not do a specific recovery route. I think that we all have to choose our own paths. Hence....NO ONE can tell you exactly what to do. That answer lies within you!

SR is awesome and saved my life. But some people need more. You have to keep trying until you find what it takes to make it over the hump. The one answer that can be given is this. NEVER GIVE UP!

Praying for you
DAve

Thank you, Dave. I dont know why I feel so low, maybe its solely the alcohol, maybe not. Thanks again for the great post.