Nice response Dave. I was not a person while active in alcohol. I was a soulless shell of a woman. I did the same thing. Got on my knees and prayed. With all my heart and soul. And somehow, I found that strength that alcohol buried.

It's time to do something different Dom.

Find something that works and stick with it.
You can't blame other people for your drinking. Just because they invite you to a bar doesn't mean you have to go.

How long did you do the Salvation Army treatment/rehab?

3 weeks, Its outpatient, and It was just of people trying to get out of going to prison. It seemes I was the only voluntary person there. I just wish I could afford REAL rehab, thats all I really want.

I'm pretty sure salvation army is REAL rehab.
If you want it, do it.
Don't use others reasons for being there be and excuse for you not taking advantage of what's being offered.

Dominica,

I know it feels hopeless at times, sometimes not because we don't believe people can't get better, or even that WE can't get better, it just seems like such a monumental task, we can't muster the energy to even get started.

Sometimes even coming here and reading SOME posts, about how hard it is, how much people are struggling, etc, is scary and we can look at that and think that we just can't do that, that our lives wasted are better because we can't handle life sober.

I am not sure if that is where you are, but if it is, or to anyone reading this who might be feeling this way, I will share a bit of my story.

When I first got into recovery, I was still using. I wanted to investigate this recovery thing, and make sure I "bought" it, and decide whether or not I could do it, before I gave up my old life. Meanwhile I spent six more months nearly killing myself, with my multiple addictions spiraling out of control to a degree they never had before. Maybe I thought I'd give total full blown addiction a chance to see how I liked that.

I quickly got to a point where i simply could not go on like I was anymore. I was alienating everyone I cared about, killing myself and putting everything and everyone at risk. I did not want to be the person I was. Going on like I was, wasn't even an option. I was that close to killing myself, either by actual suicide or the slightly less obvious but just as devastating overdose, anorexia, or car accident.

At that point, I just knew that I had to stop, and I was too messed up in my mind and life to try to put together my own recovery program. So I went to an NA meeting, and decided to work that program. I needed hope, structure, a plan.

But I was SO used to struggling, it was all I knew. Being defiant, angry, hopeless, argumentative, etc. I brought all that in with me. I took the drugs and booze out but took all those other "devils" in with me, thinking they were my friends.

People told me I didn't have to be miserable in the program, that suffering was optional, but I had no idea what they meant.

I kept on white knuckling it through my days, struggling. Until, I didn't anymore. Until I realized that I didn't have to anymore.

Recovery isn't the hardest thing we ever do, it's not nearly as hard as active addiction, if we allow it to work in our lives. When we struggle with it, sure, it's hard. But if we allow ourselves to relax, it's healing.

That may take some times, because we are scared at first, not trusting, angry, wary. But if we let ourselves get to know recovery, give it a shot and find out what it's all about, we get past that.

Of course there are hard days, days we feel awful. That is normal life, not a sign that something is wrong or that recovery isn't working, etc. Recovery doesn't guarantee that everything in life will go our way and that we will never feel tough feelings again, it gives us a chance to get through those things clear headed, and to enjoy the good days, and good things unimpaired.

I was so used to fighting, addiction, reality, situations, the people around me and myself, that I didn't know that fighting was one of my issues. I thought it was my friend, the only thing keeping me from being overwhelmed and crushed by life. I went into recovery fighting it, because fighting was all I knew. When I finally took a chance and stopped fighting, things began to turn around for me.

Suicide was one of the things I ran to as an escape. The idea that I could always end things if they got too bad. I had to give that up to, just as surely as I had to put down drugs, booze, etc. That was a huge turning point for me, and a very recent one. There is actually a Suicide Anonymous organization for people who are hooked on the fantasy and ideology of suicide as a way to cope/not cope with life.

If you are in a suicide crisis, or seriously considering harming yourself, take action now. If it is a pervasive and recurring thought, check out Suicide Anonymous, get into therapy,etc, address it. I found out that with that particular issue always clamoring in the backround, I was not able to make too much headway with the other issues. Because in my mind I was still telling myself "if this doesn't work, I can just do myself in" when I gave that option up, I finally truly allowed recovery to work in my life. The struggle was over, and healing could take place. I have finally decided to LIVE.

Because truly, when I didn't want to live, wasn't committed to live, what was the point of all the rest?

Being new to sobriety we always say stay away from people, places and things that will trigger drinking. I'm pretty sure that includes a "rehab" program with a sneaky culture encouraging people to drink.

If you are suicidal you need to go to the ER. Most suicides occure while drunk if you are an alcoholic. You may be in control of this while semi-sober but the next time you drink something awful could happen due to drunk logic and your child could be completely parent less.

You need caring professionals to help you, no matter what the cost, I can tell you if you die your family will pay upwards of $8000 to deal with your death. I think that money would be better served in helping you get better. You are worth it and your child needs you!

Dom, I 'admitted' myself into out patient rehab. Everyone there was court appointed and no one could understand how I could voluntarily go to rehab. But I did. Never missed a class (I drove 70 miles round trip 3 days a week.)
I went and I enjoyed myself. Rehab is only what you get out of it. I wasn't recovering for anyone but myself. I was doing it for me because my life had become unmanagable.
You only get out of rehab what you put in. It doesn't matter why anyone else is there, what their intentions are or how serious they are. You are there for You and only You.

Coming here to vent is a great idea. It's comfortable, you really don't 'know' us and you know you will find solid advice. But now you need to seek real help. You need to reach out, swallow your pride, get alittle 'uncomfortable'. Get out of your comfort zone quit fighting yourself and not just seek but accept the help you are looking for. You can't continue to hold a job and be a good mother in the state you are in.

Wishing you peace and keeping you in my thoughts today. (((HUGS)))

If you want what we have...we who have recovered, and are willing to go to any length...then you are always welcomed in Alcoholics Anonymous where we work those pesky steps. :)

Peace and God bless,



O

I've seen people court ordered to AA and succeed at getting and staying sober.

Thank you for the insight. I will seek some help, because I do feel like if I dont, It will be all over. After all, im killing myself slowly anyhow. I think im going to set up some kind of payment plan with a treatment facility, and get this under control.

Good thinking Dom ..... don't wait until "the time is right". Just do it.
This is life and death.

This is life and death Dom. Believe that. You want this? Then do it. You have nothing to lose.

I just need an inpatient, not outpatient. I need therapy, to get through this depression, if im still depressed, i will just turn right back to drinking. I need at least a 30 day program of intense recovery.

All rehabs are not the same. I should know I've been to outpatient, in-patient, halfway houses ect.... At one point I was so bad & the hospital was so tired of me the social worker there was looking into getting me a grant to Hazelton in MN! That being said, most rehabs will have court mandated people.
The thing that is currently helping me stay sober is a regular therapist. Ironically, she doesn't know a whole bunch about alcoholism yet she is helping the most.

Really? How does the grant thing work?

Call Hazelden at 800-257-7810.

Hazelden

Alcohol is a high proof depressant. Everyone is depressed when they quit drinking, without exception. Some people find some relief from anti-depressants, but they still take weeks to kick in, and they will not work if you keep on drinking. Bottom line, you will have to suffer a little bit before your head clears. No way around it.

So depression is just something everyone goes through with this? How long does it usually last?

Dom if you are having these thoughts you need help with it..please call a doctor or go to ER. You know that alcohol is a depressant..and if you are drinking that out of control you have to do something now. God Bless!

It will vary depending on the person and their intake, but it took about 4 ½ months for me. I was drinking all day every day for about two years the last time, though. The first month was the worst. Standard protocol is that if it still lingers after 90 days of abstinence, it may simply be, but you could certainly speak to a doctor about it prior to that. Either way, no anti-depressant on Earth will work if you keep on drinking.