The word relapse seems to diminish accountibility. Maybe the thread should be called. "Reasons I decided to drink"

In the past two years, I have been sober over 5 days twice. Both times I relapsed because I was in denial about being an alcoholic and both times I tried to moderate it, after the first drink I was a flat out drunk again.

As far as triggers go, haha umm almost anything.
Good weather,
making and writing music,
listening to music,
shooting pool,
cooking (yes that was a hobby making an elaborate meal and drinking a 6 pack before I was done and was not even hungry anymore)
Finishing homework
Finishing a workout - you worked hard you deserve a drink, might as well have not worked out.
Parties, Going out to dinner, Getting home from work

Drinking just became a compulsion, there was no logic to it anymore.

Does breathing count.
Just kidding. I have not relapsed this time. But in the past I think that a lot of it had to do with not having support. Not really knowing that I had a true problem and Heck just really wanting to drink like normal people do. I am not normal. I am an alcoholic and I can not handle just a few. I think now that I have my brain wrapped around this.....Things should be a little more manageable.
Day by Day
Dave

Stugotz, I hear where you're coming from with the wording. For me I think it's the opposite..."relapse" doesn't diminish my accountability, but it elevates the importance of it in my mind. "Choosing to drink" doesn't sound like as big a deal to me as RELAPSE, if that makes sense. When I write in my journal, certain dates are marked RELAPSE, and I know if I'm struggling I can look back at those to read about how crappy I felt at the time. Not sure if this makes sense...but for me, it's not about accountability, because it's always *my* responsibility...it's a matter of the significance of the event and not wanting to go there again.

MUSIC. This goes for all drugs in addition to alcohol. Whether I was at a festival, a concert, a party, with one or two friends, or just in my room, I felt like I had to have drugs or alcohol to "get" the music and to *really* have a good time.

What BS that was. After 6 years of feeding my body with that crap, I have finally realized that music sounds so much better sober (and I'm not destroying my body anymore either).

I'll always enjoy the Grateful Dead, but wow...they have ruined so many lives by perpetuating the myth that drugs/booze open some special door to music. Same goes for a gazillion other bands. Total BS.

I hope that one day I feel comfortable enough to return to festivals and concerts, but I want a little more sobriety time under my belt before I even think about getting back out there.

an argument with s/o who is also in the prgram. I basically said "i don't care about you or soberiety, i'm getting smashed" so i went to a strange bar got hammered and spent alot of money. Used alcohol to make me feel "better" When working my program and calling people - i now can avoid that trigger and instead of arguing and fighting, we've learned to communicate better

Very nicely put, stugotz.

The time I rescinded my decision to quit, I didn't have a relapse, I had lots of drinks.

But, to some people, "I had a relapse" sounds nicer than "I had a drink." :-)

The demons in my head. Not being able to properly cope with all the problems of my past...particularly my childhood. My mental illnesses not being under "control", not being properly medicated and not making a commitment to my treatment/therapy. Internalizing everything, shoving it all down inside...suffering alone. Not willing to reach out to others and admit that I need help. My lonliness. Yep. That about sums it up.
-jess

I don't give alcoholism the respect it deserves when I say it is trigger-based. I drank regardless of my circumstances, and I believe that when I start to "watch out" for triggers I'm making my recovery conditional. If my recovery is a series of pitched battles against urges and triggers, I will lose. Every time. I have a spiritual problem that requires a spiritual solution.