If this isn't my bottom...
 

...then I don't wanna know what is.
So, I began outpatient intensive group therapy about 10 days ago. It meets 3 times a week for 3 hours each time. So far, not so good. I was still unable to get much more than 48 hours without a drink. And then it got worse.

Last Thursday I came back from the therapy and after a few hours I really wanted to drink, as usual. I was pretty tired, so I thought I’d only have a few and go to bed. WRONG. I got so wrapped up in the obsession and the cravings that I forgot that a few drinks will wake me up and then I’ll want to drink more and more until I pass out.

I still had a little over half a handle of vodka left in my room. I started drinking at 1am. I passed out around 4am. When I woke up, the bottle was almost empty. First thing I did on Friday was finish it without even thinking. Next, some wine then some beer...I had triggered another bender. I was out of control until early Monday morning. I have no idea how much I drank during the weekend, I just know it was constant.

Here’s what happened: I broke my computer, showed up to work drunk and may have been fired, visited my boyfriend at work drunk (he wasn’t pleased), almost got picked up by a creepy man while trying to buy another 6 pack of malt liquor at 3am, missed all my Friday classes and a quiz, missed all my appointments, apparently rescheduled those appointments while in a blackout, drank most of my roommate’s wine, felt suicidal twice, completely humiliated myself in front of all my friends, begged them to buy me more cigarettes and booze when I ran out of money and I missed my therapy on Monday night because I was too sick to move. My boyfriend told me if I ever drink again he’s done with me. I'm so ashamed of my behavior and I wish I could apologize to everyone...but I'm too much of a coward to face them. There might be more awful things I did.

The amount I drank between 1am Thursday and 1pm Friday scared the crap out of me. And the fact that I basically drank about a fifth of vodka in 3 hours also scared me. I’m a pretty small person and I always drink on an empty stomach. I know I could have died.

So what am I going to do? My friends and I stopped drinking on Monday morning and I moved in with them. I have no liquor because I drank it all. Even my emergency stash is gone. I have no wine because I no longer live with my party animal roommates. I honestly thought I’d be excruciatingly uncomfortable without having alcohol around but it ain’t so bad. I feel safe without it! I’m going to AA tomorrow and any night I can. Also, I promised myself and many other people that if something like this ever happens again I’m going straight to detox/inpatient. I am now starting my fifth day without a drink.

Sooo...yeah. Other than getting all this crud out there in the open for all to see, I guess I want to know if this a good plan?

Hi Bella :)

I think anythings a better plan than last Thursday - that sounds scary.
Whatever you do, follow through with doing something - make those changes happen :)

D

I think you made a few very positive changes. Being around sober people, getting rid of the booze, and throwing yourself into the AA program are all good.

Don't forget that drunk. It can be your last.

Bella - a few weeks ago you admitted that you didn't really want to quit. Where are you with that now? I mean that sincerely, not in a smartass way. I've had horrible benders and still not really wanted to quit.

This sounds exactly like me.. I often drink so much that I throw the bottles out the window of my car on teh way back to the liquor store just so I can't keep track.

I'm a newbie to quitting so my advice is probably not all that important. but just keep trying.

wow---that sounds scary.

Is an inpatient program a possibility? I don't have a lot of experience, but if the current set-up hasn't worked for you it might be worth exploring.

Good luck and keep on posting.

D

bella89,

I hope that that this was your bottom and that with the help of AA you can now put your life back together. But, don't assume that things couldn't get worse if you drink again. I've been around the rooms of AA long enough to hear that things could get worse, much, much worse.

I sure hope this will be your time to find a lasting sober life...:hug:
The future is yours to enjoy...without blackouts. and destructive actions.

I'm glad you survived that binge - it scared me just reading it.

There's just no such thing as a few drinks for us, except maybe in the distant past somewhere. I think you have a good plan - don't hesitate to go inpatient if you need to. And no more "emergency stash"..........

I'm sending prayers and hugs - you deserve a better, sober life.....:ghug3

I've been addicted DXM for eight years and Im pretty sure it's going to kill me. I have a good job and beautiful wife who has no idea about my addiction. I really don't know what to do. I've had sesiures and been in the hospital several times. Does anyone have advice???

Welcome Daz - you'll get more responses if you start your own thread. You can start one in the Newcomers section and/or the Substance Abuse section.

I'm glad you're here - there's a lot of info and support.

Bella, I also am a newbie but my last bender was much like yours, but I drove almost halfway across our huge state drunk. I knew that I had to make changes and I am trying. I have been sober 6 days if I am allowed the gift of sobriety for another 24 hours. I have not let my guard down and have been doing all that I am asking from myself and others. I feel fear at how out of control this addiction becomes. I will be here for you if you need support. Bless you and the Benevolent God of Drunks who protects us during these horrendous benders. The fact that u have found SR is one thing to believe that there is hope. (())s The Lush

I am a periodic, but psychotically binge drinker. The last drunk I had, I totaled my car and ended up in jail for beating my husband. My neighbors thought I was on PCP or something. This was all in a black out. I remember zippo.

This morning I was at a meeting and sharing my story. A woman shared with me that her last drunk, she blacked out as well. She has zero recollection of writing a suicide note and loading a gun. She passed out before she did anything. I hope I am not breaking an anonymity rule by sharing this. But today I needed to hear it and I think it's important to share. Very true, you might not have woken up. But other horrible things could have happened too.

I loved how you started your post. Because I wrote one that started almost word for word like this one. I am sorry for what happened, but perhaps it was a gift of a bottom. I'm doing my best to see my last drunk as a gift of a bottom where nobody died and it didn't end up worse.

Much support here for you! Thank you for sharing.

Bella, I attended an IOP when I got out of rehab but I found AA much more productive. The group in my IOP was not really focused on getting and staying sober; really they all seemed to just want to talk about how hard it was to get sober and nobody really made any progress - they just kept taking baby steps then slipping up. I needed much more than just baby steps. I ran screaming back to AA. They are focus more on a solution.

Welcome Daz

I agree with Artsoul - start your own thread for more responses - and check out the substance abuse forum too :)

I know nothing about DXM but I know the way out of any addiction is support - & you'll find a lot of that here :)

D

Hi bella89! :) When you wrote the above about how you forgot about how having a few drinks will wake you up reminds me of just how tricky this disease is!!! Everyone says to remember your last drunk so you won't do it again, but when I feel like drinking a switch gets flipped in my brain and suddenly I can't remember or recollect what my problems with drinking were! Like the tricky disease only holds the drink before my desperate eyes, NOT the consequences sure to follow. I think the trick is not to even allow yourself to think about a first drink! You are blessed to be alive after that! May that be your last bender! !

I'm so upset right now. Turns out my friends didn't quit after all. To make matters worse, I definitely smelled beer on my boyfriend's breath tonight. He denied it and said I always smell beer and that all he did was sit across the table while our other friend was drinking. Whatever.

So now I have no safe place to go and I feel so alone. My understanding was that we're all in this together. My boyfriend told me that the tally on the wall (we were counting days) only referred to our friend quitting smoking and that no one actually agreed to stop all together. That's BS. Our friend said he wasn't quitting smoking because quitting drinking is stressful enough. Then my boyfriend starts yelling in front of everyone about things I don't really want people hearing and I told him to lower his voice but he just yelled louder. WTF???

Then he asks why I'm blaming him after all he's done to help. I wasn't. I feel betrayed because he promised me a booze-free place and it's not. Everyone was on board in the beginning and now they're not. I know this is my problem but still. I feel like someone ripped the floor out from under me.

At first I wanted to drink myself into oblivion. Now that I've collected myself, I'm ready to get to day 6. I don't have to drink over this. But what can I do about my environment? I can't stay here in my apartment and I can't go to theirs.

I'm a little bit lost with your story Bella - are you living with your bf now?

In any case, I agree a sober living environment would be best - but it's not always possible.

If you can't afford to move again, I really encourage you to find some kind of sober support network - if nothing else it will help until you can move somewhere else.

If IOP is not cutting it for you, you need to add more.

Living with drinkers does make it harder, but ultimately I've found out I'm either committed to sobriety or I'm not, y'know?

Keep remembering last Thursday, ok?
Find some real life support :)

D

Oh, yeah I'm staying at my place for tonight. Didn't feel like being over at my boyfriend's apartment with him. I didn't move out of my apartment entirely because I'm still paying for this room so I have to come by every day to pick things up/drop things off.

I was out for a few hours earlier this evening and went to 2 meetings. I came back to my apartment to get some things and he came over to walk me back to his place. Then we had the argument in my room in front of my roommate and continued it outside my building. I told him to leave and that I wasn't coming with him.