Yet I Drink
 

I am now just recovering from a horrible experience. An expericence that is a culimation of 30 plus years of drinking. I have been through many such situations over the years. I have been with many men while married. I have woken up in places that left me frightened and guilt ridden. I was and am a crappy parent and wife, yet I drink and drink and drink! I was robbed of jewlery when I passed out, yet I drink. A benevolent God of drunks has helped me to escape DUIs,divorce, jail, disease, and death, yet I drink. I have a family that continues to surround me. They are blessed with health and yet still I drink. I was not molested or abused as child, yet still I drink. My mother whom has been the best, a daughter could ask for turns 89 today, yet still I drink. I have a job that allows me to enjoy the exuberance of children and their honest view of the world, yet still I drink. This last experience found me driving many miles across our huge state in a run from myself. I also was very ill with a chest infection that should have been seen by a Dr..but yet still I drink. I drove on drinking when suddenly my body said you need to eat and sleep. It was very cold so I got a motel. I slept for 2 hours and awoke. I felt the need to return from where once I came and began the trek home. The sun came up much later than I guessed. My old truck made it home. For 24 hours my family had no idea where I was. I contacted work to say I would not be in. Yet I drink. I went to the doctor for antibiotics. Yet I drink. slept.. I attemped to detox made it 72 hours slept. Then.... I drink. I vomited, sweated and thought of where I might be able to hang myself. knowing full well that I did not have the courage to do such a thing. yet I drink. Husband and I want to see my councelor, yet I drink. Mind, body and soul said STOP! Yet I Drink. I can only hope that one day I can say yet I drank in the past tense. Work through all the self centered egocentric energy that is my addiction and thus my life.

Hi Lushly.
I'm sorry you feel so badly right now.

Have you considered rehab?

D

Rehab helped me so much. It was definitely well past time to quit kickin' and screamin' when I got myself into a rehab. My family (I have children too) and I very badly needed me to take this critical step. It changed my life and I will always be grateful to the angels who worked there and set me on my journey.

I feel for you hon. Please think about taking the chance.

Sounds like you're putting a LOT of time and energy into destroying yourself.. imagine how powerful it would be if you could turn it around and use all of that time and energy saving your own life? I hope you find a reason to, soon.

((Lushly))

Try something different. That's all I've got.

I hope you can find it within you to stop drinking before it stops you..:hug:

I have been in 2 rehabs and I am not against going again, but I hope I can get some things into place that I will be able to do it with out inpatient rehab. SMART recovery is a resource that I have a my disposal. AA is very limited in my community and I at one time shunned its ideals. I have over the last 15 years came to understand a spiritual journey has a foundation in the 12 steps and I no longer feel opposed to it. I also have a wonderful counsoler in place. The rest is up to me. Should I set a time limit and if I am unable to quit drinking by..... then rehab? It is difficult to understand how sick we really are. Thank you for any input

Lushly: Your story sounds like some of the others I've read. You'll find some of them in the back of the Big Book. Sounds like you could be headed for real trouble since something's causing all this self destructive behavior. If it were my situation I think I'd be well advised to talk over the rehab option with my counselor. Detox could be life threatening and you probably need medical help for that. Never give in. Keep on struggling. Many folks have made it back from being in just the situation you're in right now. I'd ask the counselor for a reference to a doctor who has a lot of experience with alcoholism. You need help. I very much doubt that you can do it alone and you're in an increasingly dangerous situation.

W.

You came to SR with the intent of quitting. Hasn't worked for you yet. I don't see how setting a time limit is going to change anything. Time to try something else, and for you that appears to be rehab. Good luck.

Lushly, I am sorry you feel so low. It's amazing what this disease will do to us. Please don't give up. This disease is relentless and you must never give up.

I don't think a time limit will help either. Talking to your dr is a good place to start and then don't drink. It's hard and yet, oh so simple. Drinking as you are is exhausting. Stopping drinking will be a relief.

((((lushly)))) I so understand your story, we are very much alike, drinking even though we know what we doing to ourself and everyone we love. I lost my Husband and my older Son because of my drinking and haven't seen either one in 18 years (my Son was one) and I just couldn't stop. I had been to rehab two times for three weeks and nothing..I kept drinking. I wasn't ready yet. Two years after I lost my Son, homeless, sick and hating myself, I finally decided, if I wasn't going to die (I had put myself in situation where I though someone would do what I didn't have the courage to do) I might as well try to live, I was so tired...SO TIRED, I gave up, I admitted I was powerless over Alcohol, I just couldn't do it anymore. Only then, was I ready to get help to quit. I went into treatment in Detroit at a place that took indigents with a referral from the health department...I took my belongings with me in two bags, it was all I had left....and I went. It took two months for me to even begin to feel human...but something in me changed..and that time it stuck. I didn't have to drink, I was able to try...then eventually forgive myself for being sick...and learn to live the life I was blessed with.

I suppose I am trying to say, when you are truly ready to give up the fight with Alcohol, and admit you are powerless, you will be ready to live again...and you will be open to the help you would get from treatment. Trust me when I say, that when you reach that point, and you say, "That's it, I can't do it anymore, I am powerless over Alcohol" You will feel as if a huge burden has been lifted off your soul....There is alot of wisdom on this board, and we are all here for you, pulling for you.

Cathy

I feel for you..... I'll pray that you can find the right resources to help you stop drinking. I'm sure it's extremely hard to think about going through the process again, but it's your life, after all. Perhaps a different doctor or addiction counselor? Rehab seems the safest option, and you'll at least have a month of sobriety when you get out. I knew a counselor in the rehab center I went to who had been to dozens of treatment centers and finally got sober for good.

You can do it - you just have to do it no matter what....... Put yourself first instead of the drink. :ghug3

Should I set a time limit and if I am unable to quit drinking by.....

Sure, how about now!

It sounds like you are open to going to AA, so tomorrow go to an AA meeting. Tell your story like you did in your post and ask for some help. It dosen't sound like you can quit by yourself, setting a time limit isn't going to do anything. Even if you can "white knuckle" it somehow until you hit your time limit, it dosen't sound like you are going to be able to stay sober.

I just drank my last beer ( in house) at 5:00 PM. The detox starts now. I will be very aware of symptoms and will seek med. treatment at the first sign of serious problems. I called a Dr. and made an appt. Could not get in to see one till Wed. of next week. I told
them I was detoxing from alcohol, but unless it is a emergency ur stuck with a time frame. I apperciate the help from everyone and will post here as time progresses. I have family around so if something arises I will have someone to take me for help. I am tough. I know that a higher energy will see me through this and I have to remember it will pass. I pray for all of you struggling with me.This site helps in knowing I am not alone. Bless this time as it is part of my process. I hope to remain at peace with my situation and hope that my detox will proceed with success. I can think of no more than now. (( ))s to all: from the Lushly one.

To actually quit drinking...
I had to want to stop more than I wanted to drink.

Welcome back...:wave:

Thinking of you Lushly. So many of us understand and at the same time so many of us have been able to get sober and get into recovery.

I believe and that my friend is what helped me toss the bottle. You have the support tools and you must use them.

For me.....well I had no choice. I couldn't take another day living the way I was so I reached out here and in my real life and gave my recovery 100%.

Keep sharing and go at this with everything you got. I found reading through the recovery story board here to really help when I had trouble sleeping or when I felt down. You can do this.

I am grateful every single day for my life now.

" The rest is up to me. "

The decision is yours, but you will never be alone, unless of course you want to be.

ITA with this and would add 'and live a sober life'. In the past I had wanted to quit but didn't really want to live sober. Too boring and lame. I had to really believe in my heart that I would be happier sober than drunk. It took me a long time. I hope you get there, too.

Lushly.

My experience was that I could not stop drinking, no matter how hard I tried.

There was nothing that could stop me-- children, wife, job. Each time I'd cross the line.

I was powerless over alcohol.

When you are powerless, you need to find power. Clearly, that power does not exist in you. You can't try harder. 0 times 10 is still 0.

Abandon willpower. It simply does not work for the chronic alcoholic.

I had to redirect my efforts from trying not to drink to trying to find a power that could help me not drink.

In that desperation, I turned to the steps of AA, which are designed to bring us to a God of our understanding. You do not need to believe, you just need to take the action.

It's listening, writing, listening to direction, and writing. And through that process, we begin to demystify our disease, stop the self-loathing, and make contact with a power that relieves the drink problem.

It works.

Lushly: Hang in there. This takes guts. When you feel like you've got to drink log on to this website and tell us about it. We're here for you. Also try to get a companion, perhaps someone who is also trying to kick the habit. And help each other with that. Perhaps a sponsor from AA. A rehab would give you an even better start. Good luck.

W.