I'm struggling
 

But I'm still here.

Reading posts from other chronic relapsers who finally achieved sobriety gives me hope.

So I have hope.

Thanks to you all,

-SD

Good to have you here. Good luck.

what have you been trying in the way of support SD?

D

Keep it going, if not for you for your son. SD is the best place in the world to wake up sober....even if it is 45 degrees when you wake up.:) It gets easier, trust me.

just SR.

I went to a few AA meetings.

I just don't like AA. I guess there's something wrong with me. I don't like those meetings. I walk out of there and the urge to drink is stronger, not weaker.

Anything strange and uncomfortable is probably going to trigger a desire to drink for a while, SD, whether it's AA or counselling or whatever.

If you really feel AA's not for you, then don't stop looking - here are some links to the main recovery players

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

One of the worst things you can do right now is nothing - it gets exponential...I've wasted years that way.

Don't give up, man.
D

I'm not giving up. Sobriety is the goal.

I just can't get there from here.

-SD

Sure you can. People have gone there before you. Just follow their trails.

Sd, glad you are here and yes you can get there.

There are different paths to recovery so just keep working on it. SR was a starting place for me and I too looked at what others had done and I chose an option that I felt would best suit me. Now i am working my recovery and have kept SR close to me as this support tool is tremendous to me. I can reach out here 24/7 and have folks who understand......I feel pretty darn lucky to have it :)

Keep it going and you will get there. Just gotta add to the support my friend.

The guilt I have is crushing. When I'm drinking, I'm obviously not there for my son. Like right now, tonight.

When I'm sober, I try to make up for it, but it never eases the guilt.

My son is growing up with an alcoholic father. He's only 6.

Wouldn't it be awesome if your 6-year-old son with an alcoholic father could become a 6-year-old with a father in recovery?

^^^^^ You can change this....stop the pity party and pick yourself up here. You can be the father you want to be......just gotta take some action and no better time then now.

I agree with everyone here SD.
You have to stop this, man.

The choice is yours - you can just be what you are now - or you can be who you want to be....but only action will get you there

If you really think you've given AA enough of a go to say it's not your thing - try SMART, try LifeRing, try RationalRecovery or whatever.

Try counselling. Heck, try rehab.

How much is it worth to you to be the Dad you wanna be?
How much are you prepared to put into things to make that happen?

D

I was a chronic relapser who finally 'got it'. I'd get a few days sober, then drink. Get a few weeks sober, then drink. Get a few months sober, then drink. Until the last relapse 14 months ago.... I woke up so sick after drinking for two days I thought I was going to die. Wished I would die just to be out of my miserable existance.

But I didn't die, and I swore I'd never drink again, and I haven't.:) Hell, I don't even want to drink anymore.:) So if I can finally 'get it', anyone can, and that includes you!:)

I wasn't doing it by myself, I go to my addiction counselor once a week and she's a huge help.

In AA i presume you have noticed people that have significant length of sobriety and seem happy with it? Why don't you ask one of them how they did it?

You haven't given AA a go in the same way i didn't when i first went there when i was 21...i then proceeded to move through the various other routes to recovery, you name them i went to them all "gave them a go" and went back to drinking...you can waste years doing this...

Implying you can do this by yourself is not good advice at all!

I understand about AA, and I agree, but you can stay sober without it. I am getting ready to walk the dog, was up at 5:30AM and it feels great to be sober. You aren't missing anything. If you need additional support, PM me. I am heading to Miramar for a sales call at 8AM, then up to Carlsbad for a while.

I thought it was going to be so tough when I started this journey, and one of the roadblocks was I wasn't going to do AA. Come to find out AA isn't the only way and it has made the process easier and enjoyable.

It's just after 6 a.m. now somewhere else in SD. Cold like Supercrew said. Maybe it's helpful to know there are others nearby who have been through exactly the same thing...

My daughter's 6. I spent the first years of her life drinking. I always treated her well, tried to make it up... but always felt guilty. Would be at a park with her at 4 on a sunny Saturday, and all I could think about was having a drink. I didn't quit "for her" (tried that and failed), but it sure feels good to not feel that guilt anymore, or worry about how long I'd be around for her.

Dee's suggestions are worth thinking about. I don't do AA. If I go for F2F support, it will be with Smart Recovery. The first week or two was the hardest for me; took me a long time to finally get over that hump. Visiting SR every single day helps.

Try something different. Keep mixing it up. Maybe even try some different AA groups if it was just the crowd at a particular meeting. You gotta find the right combo for you. For me, a key difference was not just knowing I need to quit, but embracing the idea—that drinking sucks, I cannot and never will be able to moderate, I've more than I should in one lifetime, and it's about damn time to move on.

It's great being off that treadmill. I thought it would be boring as hell, but everything is more fun now that I'm acclimating to it.

You can and will do it!

Once I went from "I can't drink" to "ya know, I really don't want to drink", that's when it started getting easier.

Just SR is better than nothing. You're doing a GREAT job by coming on here and posting about it, instead of just saying "ahh f$#@ it" and drinking.

Also, there is nothing wrong with you for not liking AA. I'm an AA'er, but I really didn't like it at first either. Think about it, why would you? They want to help you to not drink and you're an alcoholic who wants to drink :)

You may have to do some things you don't like or don't want to do to get sober. Be prepared.

Kjell

how are you doin' SD?

D

Hi there. I have a 4 year old (and a 2 year old) and a tremendous amount of guilt about how I parented when I was drinking. It's night and day, now (I have been sober for 6 mos). I know it's hard but trust me and everyone else here who says that IT GETS BETTER. And before long you'll find your sober days so, so much easier than your drinking days.

It's a whole new world and frankly one that I was never part of. Not growing up and not since I started drinking 17 years ago.

Also - if I could just share a little thing that made all the difference to my experience: I had to change the emphasis from 'stop drinking' to 'start living sober'.

Hold on tight.

Well said! That has been the key for me too!

SD, check in and let us know what's up. Hope all is well, and remember you have so fellow SDer's near by.

I'm with you in the struggle too SD, and I happen to be in the same city, so that gives us a couple of things in common. :)

Keep fighting, relapses happen to everyone brother.

Jeesh. I was at a show at the Belly Up a couple weeks ago, and at one point the lead singer said San Diego had a grungy side, with too many tattoos and too much alcohol. I don't know about the tattoos, but it appears he was right about the booze.... We've got half the town here on SR! ;)

SD, how are you? Sent you a PM last night. Hang in there.

LOL. I never knew there were so many drunks in SD.

Sorry for the downer of a thread.

Day 2 today. Here we go yet again!

-SD

Not a downer at all, SD. Day 2 or Day 2000—it's inspiring either way!

good to see you back on the right road SD :)

D

One day at a time SD.

I was at the Belly Up a couple of weeks ago too and had to leave. Thought I could be in a bar and not drink....I couldn't so before I drank, I left. I really wanted to see the band though! It reminded me that about four years ago I was there, drunk, and getting really obnoxiously defiant with the bouncer who had asked me to clear out a walkway. Sigh. That's so not me.

San Diego is a great place to live and all...but this town likes to party. It's important to be choosy about where you spend your time. I kept thinking of my mom's old saying about "if you lie down with dogs, you get fleas." I'm not strong enough yet to party with the dogs...so I protect my vulnerabilities.

And yeah it's sad to say goodbye, but there is so much more out there that is more fulfilling than drinking!

SD - free advice that is working for me....think about the things that connect you to what makes you a whole person. For each of us, the answer is different. Maybe it's being with your son, a spirituality/church, your career, nature...whatever. They may be aspects of your life that have fallen away as the drinking took over.

Look there for strength and a reminder about what happiness and wholeness really looks like.

I work in La Jolla...one of the most beautiful places on earth. I can sit and watch the ocean, breath in/out, watch the kids play...and I always feel a little bit better. It reminds me of my childhood here in San Diego...it reminds me I'm small and fragile and my place in the world is a gift.

When you need strength, have a list ready of where you need to go for it. We all have these core values that make the hurt go away.

Hang in there - it gets better. My eight year old notices the difference and it's only been a couple of weeks for me. You are already your son's hero...