Day 13/ please talk me out of this
 

hey everyone,

it's day 13 for me and I'm feeling weak...I've been reading a lot of posts here and many refer to slipping...a lot of you have tried and failed and now you "get it". Well guess what this sick alcoholic is telling herself? I have never slipped b/c I've never tried to stop in 6 years. So I am convincing myself that it's OK to slip and get back on tomorrow. I am actually trying to convince myself that I DESERVE to slip. That my slipping is inevitable and I might as well get it out of the way.

I have a high bottom. I didn't lose anything...I was high functioning...blah blah blah...point being...I was drinking more and more and I know where I was headed. I don't know if I can do this the first time around. I may need to screw up to prove to myself I am hopeless. Please...any feedback is welcome b/c I know I am NOT thinking straight and I trust you guys. Thanks for reading.

Renee,

Just don't drink today! For me, there is no tomorrow if I drink today. Does that make sense? The urge will pass! Do you have someone you can call to talk to?

Stay here with us or check out the chat room!

Love,

Lenina

There is no need to go lower than you are now.

Consider yourself blessed that you are aware that you need to stop and that you know what to do. This disease is relentless.

Renee

You know these are mind games.
Noone here ever woke up and said 'man, I'm SO glad I drank last night'

Relapse is not a requirement for recovery.

Falling off a bike when learning is probably a common thing too, but you don't need to do that to learn how to ride :)

Stay true to yourself and stay strong :)
D

It's the alcohol talking. It's a delusion.

You will feel so happy in the morning if you resist tonight.

Trust me Renee you can get the urge to drink at 13 days or 6 months. Just know that they do pass. Starting over sucks. Also most people spend weeks or months and sometimes years in between relapses. Why risk it? Stay strong sista!

Renee,

I'll second what Dee said: Relapse is NOT a requirement! I haven't picked up a drink since my detox and first AA meeting. Two years so far.

No, I'll not be so arrogant as to say I could never in a million years relapse, but I don't have a serious fear about it right now. I'm doing what I need to do to stay sober.

I have good friends who came into AA before and after I did, who relapsed. Both were miserable and unhappy about it, even though they got right back on board and worked harder.

You don't "deserve" a relapse. Nobody does. And remember, some people do not make it back. The "slip" turns into a tumble into the abyss, and they die. Or they drive drunk and hurt someone else or cause immeasurable complications in their own lives.

Your disease wants to be fed, that's all.

Renee,

These are all mind games. Play the tape to the end.

One thing that works for me is to STOP all thoughts. Watch a movie, read a book, clean like a banshee, or exercise. Distraction worked wonders during that first month.

And if you get a moment, check out this thread: Sobriety is not always an option

Sometimes a slip becomes more than a slip.

can't thank you guys enough...feeling better...man it IS like this monster that completely convinces you that having a drink will have no consequences...it truly is insanity. If I compare what I was feeling an hour ago to now, I can really see that the subject of alcohol makes me sick and unbalanced. My thoughts about alcohol are ALL wrong. The only correct one is "Don't drink". Your input is greatly appreciated and I will go to bed sober tonight.

Congrats on Day 13! Imo the concept of needing to hit bottom to get better is an excuse to drink...you don't need to do it. There was a thread here about people getting sober on their first try...I would post it but I don't know how to from my Droid. Check out the link to "sobriety isn't always an option" then go to YouTube and watch "rain in my heart"....the only absolutely true bottom is when recovery is no longer possible.

If you feel you are weak, I read that to mean you are white knuckling this recovery ...maybe you need to change your program a bit. Figure out why you feel weak and do something about it.

Hugs!

I'm gonna respectfully disagree with LaFemme on the concept of "hitting bottom." That doesn't mean going as low as you can go--it just means that you've had enough. Enough pain, enough embarrassment, enough problems, that you are willing to do what it takes to get sober and stay that way.

I truly believe that unless one has "had it" with drinking, it's very, very difficult for most alcoholics to quit. And even when you HAVE had enough of it, it's tough for a lot of people.

I do agree that every bottom has a trap door, though. It's always possible, if you don't do what you need to do to maintain sobriety, to slip further down the ladder. You never know how far you might fall before you can stop again.

Glad you made it through this evening. Posting your thoughts here was a good idea. You trusted others when you couldn't trust your own thinking. We all need to do that now and then.

Glad you didn't cave in tonight. You would have felt horrible about it tomorrow. Good for you for staying strong. :c011: It gets better with time, really it does. The urge to drink gets less and less and the 'normality' of living sober gets more and more natural.

Your almost at 2 weeks. You have been through some rough stuff. I remember that for awhile I couldn't read the posts that I could tell were going to be about someones relapse and I didn't like reading them so I didn't...I still don't usually. I had some hard times with it but didn't have a relapse. Just celebrated a year. Someone here told me that I can't let other people's failure effect me. Remember that it is YOUR recovery. Keep going...your are doing well..you did come here...didn't you?

good advice for me...I seem to be drawn to those posts to validate my belief that I will drink again...sick alcoholic thinking:gaah

Renee - Job well done.

You absolutely did the right thing by posting here. I had in the beginning and some time into sobriety the thoughts of drinking. What kept me grounded and on track was not drinking and sharing here and working my recovery. I got to the point where if I saw a potentially triggering time that I would come here and talk about it. I still do!

Kinda funny since I don't use SR per se to help keep me sober anymore because I have the found the building blocks for a healthy, positive life in recovery....but I have a community here of folks that have taken this journey with me and I do come and share because folks here get it. I also hope that possibly my experience may help.

I did recover from a relapse but it wasn't because I felt I needed my life to get any worse then what it was....oh no...I knew the damage but what I didn't understand was that putting down the bottle and a few weeks of support was not enough for me. I didn't understand that alcoholics can not drink. I stopped coming to SR and stopped making positive change. I got so caught up in feeling good that I thought I was ok. Had I continued on with support and took the time to read and learn about this thing called recovery then I would've learned so much more and better prepared to handle the thoughts of drinking.

As far as rock bottom goes....for me it is a state of mind. Everyone is different and has their own reason for saying enough is enough just like their own reasons for starting to drink.

What I will say for myself is that my relapse was rock bottom. I say that now because I am alive, I am sober, and I am here to share. Now I came oh so close to a dangerous place where it could've been the end. No one here would know that was my rock bottom because I wouldn't be around to talk about it. Get what I am saying?

Just my thoughts on what I went through.

I am so glad you shared.

I can also use posts about relapse to try to talk myself into drinking. I often skip those posts too now. I'm amazed at what I can tell myself about alcohol and what I can start to buy into.

Thankfully, alcohol has greatly lost its hold on me in the last week or two. I have a fairly adverse reaction to the thought of it now. (day 38)

Congrats on Day 13!!! Probably day 14 by the time you read this!!!

I just wanted to add that for me when I've relapsed it has not put me spiraling back into my worst drunken phase. In relapse I've actually drunk less. But what it has done is rob me of my drive to get better. I'm amazed that just a few drinks later and I'm back feeling apathetic about recovery. I'm just BACK in that 'oh just tonight won't hurt' humdrum ambling through life with blinkers on.

This real clarity of mind I have right now. Just - gone.

I went through this too. It is the alcoholic in you making you think that it will be ok and there will be no consequences and you can just start over.


I gave in to that voice once and it took me 2 years of heavy drinking to make the attempt to get help again.

It was gradual at first. Just one night of drinking with family because it was a special occasion, and look they came from so far away to see us!!...Well, then it turned into a quick 6 pack of beer, I dont even think I'll drink them all i told myself..Next thing I knew it was 2 years later and I was beginning to show signs physically of my alcoholism, scared me something awful.


Dont drink today...because that one drink is never just one...and it could be a very long time before you come around again.


Big hugs and prayers to you I hope you hang in there!!!

I'm right here at 13 with ya Renee! Have you hit up any meetings? I never gave much stock to them, but I must say I walk away with new tools every time, and usually a sense of urgency in combatting this disease. Plus a WICKED caffiene buzz at like 9PM at night lol