Yes I was/am fortunate in that I had parents who stuck by me during my active alcoholism. They never gave up on me, partly because I think they knew if they had of kicked me out then I would be dead now. But I was getting to the stage where they were despairing. I was also despairing too. I wouldn't have lasted long I don't think. It would have been either suicide, OD, prison, Mental institute or homeless.

I lost my driving license, dropped out of University, Lost my job, was unemployed for a long, long time, suffered terribly with depression, blacked-out 100's of times in their presence (in the early days I used to get smashed with my dad but that kind-of ended as I became more of an alkie and drug-user) was under the influence of drugs 100's times. Got caught snorting lines etc. I didn't really care to be honest.

They are proud of me now though. I make my ammends each day that I am sober and clean and doing my best on lifes terms 'one day at a time'.

Basically I had to totally admit that I'm an alcoholic and realise that I must not take that first drink 'just for today'. Without doing that then I couldn't recover.

Peace Out

I commend you for what you've overcome.

Hey Kris,
I can identify with you very, very well. I have had OCD for about 6 years and I discovered that alcohol could, for the time when I was drinking it, blur the OCD symptoms into the background and give me a break from that living hell. I justified continuous and worsening drinking because I thought, well I'm going through this awful thing, alcohol's making me feel better, how can it be a bad thing that I drink heavily. However, alcohol took over as a living hell for me. My tolerance increased, I was drinking all day (definitely in the morning!), my money was running out. And most of all, if I wasn't drinking the OCD and anxiety was there with a vengence. And also, I'm a law student so my study load is huge, and drinking a few glasses of wine while I studied would actually mean I would study more than if I was distressed and anxious because of OCD. But I've discovered that once you have the will to become sober, the anxiety takes a back seat, and when you're not feeling seedy or hungover, or guilty, or ashamed, the feelings of anxiety, although they might seem worse in the first few days, actually get a lot better very quickly.
I suffered panic attacks aswell. I really recommend you see your doctor. Emphasise that you are an alcoholic so that they don't put you on a habit forming drug, but anythign that can help you get through the anxiety in the short-term will help you as you start to experience how rewarding sobriety is and you regain the faith in yourself that you can do things without alcohol.
Please keep coming back here, posting and talking. I can really relate to your story and would be happy to talk to you anytime
:tyou

Lesser of two evils.....
 

Hi Kris,

My story is very similar to yours & parts of others that have posted. I had a very tramatic/ overwhelming event happen that put me into a shock that took several years to be able to handle. I can bring it up in my mind as if it happened yesterday instead of 25 years ago.

When I was to the lowest point in my mind & soul I did go ask for help. I was self-medicating major depression & anxiety for four years by not taking my meds & drinking every night after work for four years.

I went to Mental Health to make an appointment for an assessment of my alcoholism & depression. They treated both at the same time with counseling, meds, & AA Meetings. My depression had been dx when I was a teen & progressively got worse as I got older & had added stressors.

That was 21 years ago. It was a long road with twists & turns but I made it. I still take antidepressants for a chemical imbalance in my brain that can still cause my moods to go up & down but mostly up these days.

I had help from lots of people & support from my family. It took a long time for my youngest daughter to trust me but she eventually became a part of me again. We would talk about how she had to take care of herself with her Juvenile Diabetes like I had to take care of myself with my alcoholism & anxiety/depression. I got re-dx with depression nine months after I quit drinking at a Emotional Health Unit in a hospital. I also had a medical detox in our local hospital when I quit so didn't have bad withdrawals.

I went to in-patient alcohol treatment after three months of sobriety...did attend AA Meetings every evening. I wanted to be sober for myself more than anything else in my life or I wouldn't have had a life anymore. I was 48 years old when I quit. Sober Recovery & all it stands for has helped me more than I can ever believe. It helps me to share my experience, strength, & hope with others so they can find what I have. :ring

kelsh

Talk to your doctor about anxiety and depression maybe their is medication you can get on to help with that.

I believe Jerry Garcia once said something like, "Drugs are a great way to solve problems. You start out with a bunch of problems so you do drugs. Before you know it all of your problems are gone expect for one: Drugs" Not an exact quote but true. Too bad Garcia never got sober though.

Kris, Welcome to SR!!! You have tons of support here and so many of us have been where you are.

In my early-mid 20s, I was a social drinker. A few here and there when out with friends and that was it. Suffered a loss in my life that I didn't seek counseling for and the depression, sadness became overwhelming so I turned to alcohol to cope with my relationship, job and basically life. It numbed the pain and made me forget....I could deal.

By early 30s, drinking had become part of my life like brushing teeth and showering. Each night I would drink. Yeah, I had days or weeks sober.....could drop the booze in a heartbeat if I had to get things done but it was always lurking in my mind when I would be free and alone to get my drink on. It consumed me.

By 34 I was getting divorced and the drinking now was all I knew so I kicked that into full gear. Every moment not working or out and about was spent getting as wasted as possible. I didn't try to get drunk, didn't really want to but it just happened. I couldn't put the bottle down.

2008 was the year of my divorce and the year I suffered my first panic attack. I thought I was drowning and couldn't stop shaking. Heart racing and pounding and was certain it was a heart attack. Sweaty with chills and I felt like I was going to faint because I was so dizzy. Went to the ER and I was ok. From then on....I had anxiety and finally another massive panic attack that brought me to the ER. I was honest about my stress, alcohol abuse, etc. I was put on Xanax to take as needed when I had an attack.

The Xanax didn't help me and just put me to sleep so I stopped taking that and of course I still boozed because I felt that was the only thing to help me now with the depression/anxiety.

Finally, I quit drinking and for almost 3 months the anxiety was mild and not one major attack. I could deal until I relapsed after a pity party due to an injury. Started feeling those dark feelings of an attack coming and wham....I was back on the bottle like we had never been apart.

My relapse was about a week and I the anxiety/panic was 24/7 and worse then I ever had before. It wouldn't stop.....I couldn't walk, talk....move or anything. I would get maybe a few minutes of focus and then the chest pounding, drowning, sense of dread all around me kicked up again.

What did I do? When you feel like you are looking death in the face.....you have nothing to lose. I emptied the remainder of the booze down the sink and went through a hellacious detox alone, at home.....convulsing....blah blah. It was a horrid sight to behold.

I have now over 30 days sober and guess what? Not one panic attack or anxiety. I get little twinges of anxiety since I have had some pretty big stressors come up but I can handle that easily.

Point of my long winded ramble is to tell you that you can achieve sobriety. We think in our minds that alcohol helps but it actually makes anxiety worse. I can't say that quitting drinking will resolve depression/anxiety completely but man it will help and give you the clear mind to look at things rationally. If you think meds will be needed then there is nothing they will do for you while on the sauce. You won't see the any benefits of meds since alcohol is a depressant.

Wish you the best but getting sober is the first step to addressing everything in your life. Your post hits home because anxiety and drinking.....well that was me. I hope you don't wait until you are rock bottom.....hoping not to wake up like I did for you to toss the bottle.

God Bless.