Kris10

Hi, this is my first post here but I've read so many of your posts for quite some time now.
It's 10am and I have already had 2 beers. What's this day going to be like now?
I'm 39 years old and have been drinking nightly for 2 years. For the last 4 months now I've started even earlier since I lost my job in February.
I've always been a fairly together person; successful in my job, a good Mom, and always have worked out.
I've also struggled with anxiety and depression, on and off, since age 19.
I used to rarely drink.
After a series of life's hard knocks my anxiety grew much worse. To the point of panic attacks and where I couldn't think straight.
Then one day, it was if I discovered a new cure for anxiety; alcohol.
It started as one or 2 glasses in the evening. More stressors came into my life and then more alcohol.
I quit completely after 2 years for almost a month.
My anxiety and depression were excrutiating! I fnally started to drink again as I feel so much relief when doing so.
The alcohol is winning over me but so is the anxiety and depression.
I don't know what to do.
I have wonderful, supportive parents yet I feel i don't want to burden them.
More Importantly, I don't want to embarrass my daughter.
There are many, many more details I could give but this is my first post.

My question is; has anyone been in a similar situation with anxiety, self medicating then worse anxiety, overwhelming anxiety, when they stopped drinking?

Kris10

I want to add that both the anxiety and alcohol make me feel awful but at least when I have a couple drinks I can focus on things that need to be done and my daughter instead of this horrible anxiety!

Toronto68

Kris, I still have a lot to learn about anxiety and depression (I don't _really_ understand what anxiety is, frankly). But my immediate reaction is that you would want to work on removing alcohol first, because it is a complicator. It's really good at being tricky. It seems like it is improving things, but it only adds to the negative for someone who relies on it (alcoholic).

What does the doctor say, have you been to one, I think I missed that?

artsoul

Hi Kris and Welcome! I know what it's like to self-medicate (depression, mainly and OCD thinking). The problem is that daily drinking creates more and more depression and anxiety. That happened to me and I was on anti-depressant even........ just in the short time I've been sober, my anxiety has gone way down, and everything seems alot more manageable (a shock to me). I didn't realize that my antidepressants wouldn't even work if I was drinking alot. I hadn't lost anything yet due to my alcoholism and nobody knew, even my 2 children who live with me. But I was dying inside and saw health issues coming up fast.

I hope you stick around and post alot and read, too. We're all working on staying sober together and it feels good to talk to others who are doing the same thing. Hang in there!

artsoul

If you've been drinking daily for 2 years (and I assume it's not just one glass of wine with dinner?), your body is dependent on it and you may be drinking just to feel normal. Has your tolerance increased (i.e. are you finding that you have to drink more to get the same effect?)

Norther

I know exactly how you feel. I used to think that alcohol was the solution to my anxieties and fears, where in fact it was actually causing and worsening them. After the first few difficult days, my anxiety has progressively abated. I think it's a combination of not drinking and going to AA meetings that is doing the trick. I learn at meetings how to live and remain sober.

keithj

Right on, Kris, you're my kind of drinker.

Towards the end of my drinking, I experienced intense anxiety and acute panic attacks, whether actively drinking or in between failed attempts at sobriety.

Those feelings always seemed to drive me back to drinking. And the cycle spun for another round, another bottom, more jail, and worse symptoms. Over and over.

It seemed like I made the choice to return to drinking to alleviate those symptoms. In actuality, I was just succumbing to a mental obsession that I lacked the power to resist.

I want to emphatically tell you that you can get sober for good and all and never have to feel that way again.

Horselover

Hi Kris. I just wanted to welcome you to SR. It appears that the previous posters have already answered your questions, but I will you give my similar take on it too.

My question is; has anyone been in a similar situation with anxiety, self medicating then worse anxiety, overwhelming anxiety, when they stopped drinking?

I had a lot of anxiety - A LOT! This was towards the end of my drinking career. I think I drank myself into that anxiety and as far as depression, OMG YES! I owe anxiety and depression to my drinking. Been sober for 2 years and I no longer have anxiety or depression. Still am learning how to handle life the best I can, but you can overcome that anxiety and depression without doubt.

Please see a doctor. Depression may have to have help through medicine though. It can be a chemical imbalance. I would get a check up any ways and involve my doctor in the detoxing.

NewMe11109

Hi Kris -

Many, many of us have suffered just like you. We used alcohol as our solution to our "problems". One of the best things about recovery is that you get to work on your actual problems which makes the desire for the alcoholic solution much less.

The 12 steps of AA were the key for me. They gave me the tools to not drink and then work on my problems of stress, anxiety, fear, anger, etc.

You are not alone. But, you also can't do it alone.

Keep posting on SR and I highly recommend that you find an AA meeting in your local area. It is a great place to start and to meet other people just like you.

smacked

I thought I was treating my anxiety with alcohol (and several other drugs), but obviously they were just causing it. Amazingly enough, once I was sober for a while and working on recovery it all went away.

bdiddy5522

I sure can relate. I am still not sure what came first, the anxiety or the alcoholism. I guess it doesn't really matter. I would drink to take away the anxiety, only to have it come back 10 times worse when I sobered up. So what did I do? Yep, drink more. I have been sober over 6 months now and I hate to say my anxiety is still there. I am still weak, dizzy, no energy, etc. But I do know that alcohol is NOT the answer to solving this issue. I am working with a naturopath doctor to try and get some relief from these anxiety symptoms.

But keep us posted, and let me know if you want to discuss this further. We are all here with one common goal in mind. To get sober and live life again. Hugs.

NEOMARXIST

What you need to do is simple.

Go to a doctor to treat your underlying depression/anxiety.

But firstly stop drinking. I can relate to your post. Drinking is a fantastic temporary remedy for depression but unfortunately it doesn't last long and also if you're an alcoholic then your behaviour during your blackouts will just lead to more depression.

Drinking away depression is mugs game. It is very popular because on face value it is the ultimate 'cure'. But as you are discovering, it will just take you down and down and down. You will lose eveything that you hold dear, if you're an alcoholic that is. You will also ironically die depressed. Even though you were drinking to try to get the opposite effect. It doesn't work.

My advice is to treat the depression medically, as it sounds like this is partly what causes your alcohol abuse, but firstly you're gonna have to stop drinking. Treating depression whils't still drinking/drugging won't really work. I discovered that but I had to stop drinking first.

All The Best. Take it all one day at a time.

NEOMARXIST

Once you stop drinking then you can re-evaluate your mental health. My mental health has improved loads over the last 10 months due to my recovery. That is not to say it is where i want it to be. Thus I seek out the necessary medical resources available to me to treat it. There are some things that other recovering alcoholics/addicts can't sort out. But it certainly makes it so much easier to be able to make positive steps forward once you are sober and happy in recovery.

I could only decide the best course of action for my mental health recovery once I had 9 months sober. I was able to come to the conclusion that is was something that mental health professionals would have to help me with.

Fandy

for me, it started with reactive depression which escalated to major depression that took me 3 years to shake with the help of twice weekly psycho-wisdom. i still drank but at that time not as heavily, much for the same reasons you describe and the inability to sleep.

I've realized that drinking fuels my depression which fuels more drinking...once I was able to stop, the depression and associated anxiety lifted considerably. i believe that I have a more rational thought process and meet my problems rather than agonizing over them. life is far from perfect, but it is a whole lot easier to handle when sober and common sense kicks in.

I don't understand how you can *focus* on your child and tasks when you begin drinking at 10AM.

I can understand that losing a job is terrible and cause for worry...but if you try you can put a more positive spin on your extra free time during unemployment.

if you are reading here, you are hoping to change, welcome to SR too.

Kris10

Wow. Thank you all so much for your responses. What a wonderful forum.

I've read each of your replies several times.

Yes, I've been to a psychiatrist who immediately prescribed Xanax and lamictal.
I started taking the Xanax, against my better judgement, a two months ago before I began drinking regularly again. He gave me 15 minutes of his time. I knew better to seek another doctor but as you know they charge a fortune and was so desperately seeking relief. So now I have Xanax on my back too.

I want to respond to many things that you've all said but first needed to thank each of you for responding with such heart.

Kris10

Clifty I will seek out your posts as it indeed sounds we have a similar story. I hope we can start a friendship. Hugs back to you.

Fandy, when I read your response to my quote, I realize how ludacris that sounds and maybe even IS. To clarify, with this anxiety I have so many racing thoughts that i can barely focus on what she and I are talking about. (gosh this sounds insane). So I try and hyper focus on our conversations to drown out the racing thoughts and pounding heart.

I've always had anxiety, but never to this extent. Is it part of quitting alcohol? I'm sure. But in each of your experiences, how long does it last once you stop?
Perhaps I've set myself way back by turning to alcohol for relief from anxiety. I absolutely have I'm sure.
No, it was not a productive day today, at all. But my daughter didn't see a panicked look on my face as anxiety took over and she didn't know I was drinking. She's 16, my only daughter and I want nothing more than to be there for her.

NEOMARXIST

Obviously the UK has the NHS. I think I sometimes forget that many of the people on SR don't live in a country with free health care for all. So I suppose my experince is obviously going to be different in that respect.

I find it hard to imagine how you could actually be charged to go to see the doctor when you are ill? But that's another issue and not one to get into on a recovery forum.

So I suppose that affects my advice as obviously I can ring and get appointments with doctors and also get counselling all on the NHS. It never even registered that you would be charged for this. Obviously if you have to pay for this then it must be hard. Particualrly if you can't afford it.

Keep posting. I think the key thing to remember is that the drinking has to stop. otherwise you won't really be able to properly 'recover'.

yes drinking and the ceasing of drinking after tolerance has built is a major cause of anxiety. I used to get majorly bad anxiety and panic attacks after heavy drink and drug sessions.

All The Best xxx

Kris10

Thank you all again and I hope one day, soon, I can be there for you.

Kris10

Neo, I wish it were free! Yes, another topic indeed.
I appreciate your feedback. I guess I have to find it I'm me to bite the bullet and get through the anxiety.
Did you have support of loved ones when you went through this?
I have a wonderful family but hate to 'burden' them.

NEOMARXIST

Yes I was/am fortunate in that I had parents who stuck by me during my active alcoholism. They never gave up on me, partly because I think they knew if they had of kicked me out then I would be dead now. But I was getting to the stage where they were despairing. I was also despairing too. I wouldn't have lasted long I don't think. It would have been either suicide, OD, prison, Mental institute or homeless.

I lost my driving license, dropped out of University, Lost my job, was unemployed for a long, long time, suffered terribly with depression, blacked-out 100's of times in their presence (in the early days I used to get smashed with my dad but that kind-of ended as I became more of an alkie and drug-user) was under the influence of drugs 100's times. Got caught snorting lines etc. I didn't really care to be honest.

They are proud of me now though. I make my ammends each day that I am sober and clean and doing my best on lifes terms 'one day at a time'.

Basically I had to totally admit that I'm an alcoholic and realise that I must not take that first drink 'just for today'. Without doing that then I couldn't recover.

Peace Out