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Never had 5 mos before. Here it is. 5 months of clean time. I havent ever had this long clean. I started doing drugs at 12. Thats a long time to be messed up. I am still not impressed. I can lose it just like that. I have been feeling off lately. I see a pattern forming and I dont like it. But I can tell on myself now. And to the right people. Not the ones who dont understand and just enable me. Its the thought of shame and guilt that keeps me going right now. Before it was bliss. Later it may be something else. Whatever works I guess. I seriously need a sponsor. At a meeting last week there was this speakert and she said " If you dont get a sponsor and work the steps, then why are you here?" Well said. Commitment and service work keeps me coming back. I still struggle with the happily wanting to go. I go because I know I need to and I do feel better most of the time when I do. I am beginning to deal with life clean for the first time. No drugs, no nicotine. Its tough. I never want to go back there. I am doing my 1st step at treatment to morrow. Thats got me all nervous. Opening myself up like that in front of the entire day treatment. I dont see why that helps. But whatever. I am not working a 100% program. I am doing almost the minimum. And thats not good either. Once I get settled with the new job, I will put more effort back in. But I need to make sure I dont get lazy or too complacent. That is when I always mess it up. LOL..5 months. I couldnt even put 5 minutes together most of the time before. My journey started here at SR. You guys have seen my worst. And still accepted me. Still stood by me and held me up when all I wanted to do was die. I have said it so many times before. There arent words to explain how grateful I am to you all. But I have the clean time funk blues that happens sometimes. But alot of things are weighing on me too. I will make it. I just want to thank you guys for helping me get here. |
Congratulations!! Sounds like your "thinker" is working over time again. You go girl! You have done 5 months, which you say you have never done before. Dare I say, that deserves a pat on the back!! LOL! I have never seen someone that self analyzes as you do. You are incredible and we at SR are lucky to have you. Signed your enabling friend, Sarah |
Hey That is so inspiring Aysha- you are one strong lady. I can tell you from experience that I had around 3 or so months sober (for the first time in my life since 15ish) last year- I am mid 40s. I felt fantastic but fragile. I felt like I finally had control, real control. Then I pretty much dropped the atom bomb and decided to have a couple (around 3) beers one day. I stopped at 3, and guess what- I am totally back on my old habits (quite a bit less but it still OWNS me). Hang in my Friend. I am trying hard now to get to where you are- don't take it for granted...... Peace and Love Dub |
Well done, Trish. You're right... you can choose to "lose" it just like that - or you can keep doing the right thing, like you are right now, and add whatever is necessary to go the extra mile. :hug: |
grats to you on 5 months :) |
Way to go on five months!! :scoregood |
Great job on five months :ring Re the funk/blues, try to get out for a walk or get some exercise. Having a coffee with a friend & having a tasty treat helps too {reaches for a piece of dark chocolate}. Keep up the great work! :day6 |
Five months is amazing. Keep it up Aysha. Yes you are one strong person, and a trailblazer. For some of us relative newcomers, five months sounds like a millennium! |
Congratulations Trish :D D |
Glad to hear about your 5 months..great job! :slomo: |
Good for you, Trish! |
Congratulations. And I don't blame you for being nervous opening up tomorrow. I get like that too. I usually feel so relieved and good after I do it though. Your accomplishments sound awesome to me. |
:funjump: |
Awesome job on 5 months! |
Well done on the 5 months! Congratulations!!! |
But whatever. imo, i still smell resistance. you know i'm rooting for you, so again, knock it off, and get a sponsor thats tougher then you... hey, i'm available! lol |
Wow, All I can say (as a newbie on day 11) is that you must be doing something right to have reached your 5 months! Way to go and good luck on "fine-tuning" your process. |
way to go aysha i hope you find the "wonder" spot in your heart that lives and strives towards the light as does a flower |
Congrats on 5 months Aysha, Stay strong, just like your doing!!! |
I just want to say that your post made my day Trish! I remember last year when you absolutely refused to consider meetings and a f2f program. You have made such incredible progress! And you should be proud of yourself. I would have to second the idea that step work is important. I fluttered around the rooms of AA for over a year without having a sponsor or working the steps. (I know you blend NA with AA)... I didn't make much progress. Working the steps has been a challenge and a hard look in the mirror that I didn't really want to do. My sponsor coddled me for a while with steps 1 to 3, but she took off the kid gloves at step 4 and it was tough. (I told her she put on her boxing gloves). But it is liberating to finally understand how situations in my life REALLY go down, and to see how those situations include my involvement.... Keep up the good work, you are doing great! |
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