and thanks for the suggestions and support ghost girl! :-)

Hi Steven, I don't know what the answer is to your mental health issues but I do know that working the 12 steps of AA can make your life so much better and keep you sober.

Will you go to an AA meeting?

You stayed sober for 11 months and relapsed. You have to learn from this and do something different this time. AA is a good place to go for a solution, for meeting people who understand what you are going through and for meeting new friends.

Will you go?

Hi Steven

Congrats on your sober achievement :)

I agree with Anna on the Dr thing - the sooner you go, the sooner you can deal with anything, if there's anything to deal with.

The overwhelming likelihood is there's nothing to deal with - I think I said yesterday I drank for 20 years and got a basically clean bill of health.

Go to the Dr and you can put that all behind you and put your focus back squarely on getting better.

Don't wait. I was scared too - and I waited a month or two....I wish I hadn't now because I'm still suffering some legacies from my last detox - they're not serious, but I'll always have them - but had I sought help at the time, that might not be the case now.

As for the liver - god bless vitamin companies but I believe the liver repairs at its own rate, no matter what we take to aid it in doing so.

You may find your liver is fine anyway - stranger things have happened.

Do check with your doctor about anything you are taking though - even over the counter stuff.

D

Dasha - this is madness

Catch a cab, mate - you might save your own life, or someone else's.
D

That's actually pretty common, so common in fact, they have a name for it..."white coat syndrome." However, it can also be a marker for an anxiety disorder - but if you're on prescribed Xanax I'm sure you're all too aware of that.

Congrats on your time so far!

I obviously need to do something different because I don't want to live a life devoid of any positive emotions.. Because thats how I feel now. As if I've never had a happy emotion without ingesting some kind of chemical. The dry periods of my life, although some were long like the 11 month one I mentioned, were devoid of alcohol and drug abuse, but they were also devoid of any happiness or anything at all.. The only feelings I ever had were negative. It' no wonder the relationships I've had over the years always failed.
I often think about A. A. but the usual things make me nervous:
1)I don't want anyone in my town to see or recognize me going because I feel like a slug even though I know I have nothing to be embarassed about
2)Seeing people a good deal older than me who messed up their lives with alcohol and now A.A. is the most important thing in their life will depress me greatly (I'm sorry if this sounds crass, stupid, boorish, or ignorant.. I'm just being honest)
3)I get social phobia around groups of people
4)I worry they'll think I'm different because I never enjoyed the feeling of alcohol, I just wanted to not feel anything. I have never been a happy drunk with a lampshade on his head.
I sometimes think one on one help with a therapist would be good for me but the problem is finding a qualified one. I went to a CSW before and it was useless. Not to be arrogant, but I had more life experience, knowledge, and suggestions than SHE did! I need a real therapist or psychotherapist..maybe one that specializes in addiction? I'm on Medicaid and SSI right now though, so choice of doctors isn't so hot. And with Medicaid, in New York? You'll be lucky to find a doc that speaks english. (kidding sorta)(

I must do SOMETHING though... I don't want to feel this way anymore.. not just WD's from my recent relapse.. but all of it.. the depression,sadness,hopelessness, and irrational fear.. I just turned 35 this past Christmas Eve, so it's not like I'm a moody youngster anymore. I feel like if I dont find a way to fix myself, I'll be like this forever..

Steven

It's good to know you are doing well thus far. My suggestion to you is, WRITE SOMETHING. The music will save you. I've been sober for 3 days now and I'm starting to see what you said about my creativity flowing a lot better with a clear mind. I wrote something today that is very significant, I think. I'm not as sick today, actually got a good bit of sleep.
I tried to send you a private message, but it said I have to have 5 posts before I can.... kinda tarded in my opinion. But whatever. haha!

I'm also thinking about going to a therapist when I get my tax return (lack of money and insurance), so I was thinking it might be a good thing for you to try too.

Congrats on 17 hours!!! You will be 1 day down in a a few hours. I agree that you should go to the Dr. as it is best to know how your health is. I am 36 and had elevated liver enzymes on and off for the past few years. Had every test done short of a liver biopsy but of course I was a daily drinker and that was part of the reason my numbers were elevated. My doctor said that if I had alcohol in my system say 3 days or so that it would easily raise my levels. Since I am not 8 days sober....I am making that appointment and retested. They rose when I was trashed and lowered when I slowed down the booze. Make an appointment and definitely get checked out. This also helped me see what I was doing to my body.

As far as natural supplements, I do the multi-vitamin, thiamine (B1) and vitamin D. The thiamine is brutal on the skin though since my face has more acne then I have since I was 13....haha. It is the essential vitamin for recovery since the use and past use of alcohol essentially robs the body of this vitamin necessary for the central nervous system. I eat plenty of veggies and healthy food since I remember to eat now that my stomach is full of booze anymore.

God Bless

Thanks for the congrats and the suggestions.. I have passsed the 24 hr mark (about 28 I think) I'm pretty anxious and night time can be especially bad with me with feelings of isolation and dread. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with a kind of fear that has no real source that I can determine.
The doctor is something I know I should do, but right now I just want to feel like I can go outside without having a nervous breakdown. I've also had lots of bad experiences with doctors here in the U.S. and I can't say I love them all that much. I see a psychiatrist once a month but he doensnt take my insurance, and basically just charges me 50 dollars cash for a xanax script. We had been discussing a new medication for bipolar shortly befre I had my 9 day relapse sp I havent tried it.. It's called Lamictal.
I ate well today, and I rode a stationary bike for 20 minutes but other than that I feel like balsa wood and gauze or the tin man or something...

Yes Dee, Appreciate your Words!! I Think we can all all live and get away with so much
without seriously becoming unstuck!!, No cabs were i stay, very rural! good news its 6.30am. this morn an im sober about to drive to work! and i was,nt blazin drunk yest morn,still in control, im mean gotta hold down a job,
anyway New day! that was my yesterday,
good day all.

Keep going Steve!!! I am right here with you. I am getting ready to go to get a physical assessment to start working out.

Yayy for passing the 24 hour sober mark. You can do it. Keep sharing with us.

God Bless :)

Thanks Kimber.. it's about 2:17am here now and I don't know how much sleep I'll get tonight.. I have Stephen Kings latest novel and it's huge.. also..the ever-present internet.. I wish I was a little calmer. I still have some Xanax but I'd really rather not take any. Right now I'm watching Cartoon Network..

dasha: Hope you are having a good sober day

Steve...just wanted to say welcome! I havent been here in a year myself. My life has been a complete mess this last year. So Ive been lurking around here and reading but this is my first post. My last drink was about 15 hours ago.

We cant alwyas beat ourselves up for having to start over.....some dont get that chance. I have started over so many times that I have a sober date birthday in every month of the year!! LOLOL. ANyway..my point is that I think sober TIME is more important! You have 354 days sober out of 365!!!

Thats wonderful!!! Sometimes we get soo wrapped up in the fact that we have to start from day "one"..well then I may as well REALLY blow it then.

Im not sure I am saying all this right..I dont mean to disregard the significance of a sober date....but I think we put too much importance on it. No One is perfect...we are human...we make mistakes...

Hi Steven, I hope you get the courage to go to an AA meeing. We tell people to look for similarities in others' stories, not for differences. No-one, absolutely no-one, will judge you for being a drunk who never enjoyed alcohol.

Another thing you could do at meetings is talk to others and ask if anyone knows any good therapists who deal with addiction. Sometimes word of mouth can be benefical in finding the right person to help.

I really hope you go and get some phone numbers. Just reaching out and talking to people who understand what you are going through in these tough, anxious hours will really help.

you have options
 

Remember to be grateful that you are in north america--new york! You at least have the option of finding doctors, aa, na..etc... Having lived in Asia for over a decade, in small and large cities, the option is not always there. If it is, it is VERY limited. Use the resources you have available, not the excuses!

Steven your fears are very common, I felt the same way.

Have you or any one you know that is not in AA hang around outside of AA meetings checking to see who is going?

If you saw some one in a meeting you know would you go running around telling people "I saw John at an AA meeting last night"? Of course not, because if you did the first thing people would ask you is "Why were you there?". This is the very reason John will not go around telling people he saw you! I found an immediate bond with every person in my first meeting, we were all alcoholics working on recovery.

LOL you have the same misconception I had about AA before I went, a bunch of old men drinking coffee and crying because they could not drink any more! Your conception of people in AA is so far from the truth if I had not felt the same way I would say you were being a bit daff.

In AA you will find the rich, the poor, & the middle class, you will find people who laugh easily, people with a twinkle in thier eyes. You will find people as young as 15 and as old as 95 and every thing inbetween.

You will find doctors, teachers, lawyers, judges, preachers, business people and business owners. You will find construction workers as well as skilled artisans.

In a nut shell if you walk through a crowded mall you could not tell an AA member from any one else. The vast majority of alcoholics are not the homeless unemployed. Alcoholism has no boundaries, if one is a human being they could be alcoholic.

I just noticed you are 35, there are some meetings in my area where you would be in the upper age range.

This will lessen and may totally dissappear if you start off going to small meetings and sitting in the back. I spent 5 years drinking every day alone in my garage, so going to meetings was not all that easy at first.

"I just wanted to not feel anything" is how I and many others wanted and got out of drinking. Yes there were some good times in the early years of my drinking, but in the end I like many others drank not to party or feel good, but to simply slip away from life.

Hi, glad to see this morning that you are still hanging in there. I personally do not go to AA for other reasons of my own. Shame on me; however I have been and I think you deserve to give yourself at least a chance of making up your mind which way of recovery is right for you. How will you know if you don't try?

1. I understand you worry about being recognized, although it really is anonymous for all. Still, if that is a big concern, try and find a meeting in another town.

2. These so called old timers may have been sober for years and years and have a lot of experience to offer. I really doubt they would depress you even more. And even if some have continued to drink for most of their life, wouldn't that be a good deterrent for you not to waste all those years.

3. If you can, take someone with you that is supportive or just sit in the background and listen. Nobody will force you to talk. If it gets too bad you can always leave.

4. It is the addiction that makes us believe we enjoy alcohol, once we realize we are addicted and have to drink, it no longer seems a pleasure. Maybe you just plunged straight into addiction without wearing the lampshade (can you even remember if you ever did :) )

I wish you well, now make that doctor appointment :)
You are doing well, keep coming back.

Hi all,
I'm up to 42 hours now. Feeling a little better. Some of the anxiety is getting easier but the depression, anger, sadness etc.. is still all over the place. I took a half of a benadryl last night and actually slept!
Tazman53, I hope I wasn't insulting in the things I brought up about AA. After re-reading my post I saw how it may have been a bit insulting. I didn't mean to imply that AA is a "room full of old drunks". I think it's a great organization that has helped tons of people. I just don't know if it's for me yet for lots of different reasons.. And yes, I am recently turned 35, and it was a VERY depressing birthday. I feel like 15 years slipped by without me knowing.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on the 9th and I want to re-evaluate my medication. Being depressed ALL THE TIME is not an option. In the 11 and 1/2 months of sobriety I had, yes I felt much more relaxed and healthier, but I was still depressed all the time. I believe it is this depression that has always been the root cause of my substance abuse.. Standard SSRI antidepressants didn't work for me so I need to explore tis much further.
I also want to make an appointment with a GP just for a standard physical but now I have to find a new one, because the old one no longer takes my insurance.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Bless you. I'm 31 and my doctor has been reading me the riot act about my high liver functioning for the last x4 years. I haven't had a drink in 14 hours and my liver is so sore and it's so scary. I can't sleep on the right hand side of the bed & one doctor thought I had Hep C from my test results.

I will say a prayer for you that you are staying strong and Thank You for sharing. Wish me luck tonight, I wish I could sleep