Depending on People - !!!!!!
 

This friggin thread title **** is aggravating!!!!!!!!
Depending on peopel was suppose to be the title.

Which is something I have done my whole life.
But not completely.
Now with no vehicle and living where I do, you have to have a vehicle.
There arent even taxis out here. Not that I ahve the money anyway.
We dont even have a police department. Its all Sheriff and Toopers.
Anyway. I had asked my cousin a couple days ago if she minded dropping me off at the Fri night meeting then comign to get me. She was like really hesitant. Then achingly said yes.
Well alot went down the night before Thanksgiving. She had a huge Lupus episode where she passes out and had to go to the hospital. All suroounding her loser punk ass b**** of a BF who left her lying on the floor, stepped over her and proceeded to cuss at her.
She had to call for help herself when she came to.
We will just say I took care of him. For now. Something I am not proud of. But it is what it is. And I would do it again. Hes lucky I didnt know about him choking her while I had the chance to get him. Because I would def be in jail right now. Dont knwo how I am not now. Who wants to tell the cops they got their ass beat by a woman? Lucky for me.
So the Dr has her on xanax because she is on the verge of a break down.
So I am not about to ask her to take me anywhere.
My aunt and Uncle are busy doing things and they are the only ones around who could help.
So what do you do when you cant get to these meetings?
I have called the hotline for rides and they said thye cant find anyone to do it.
I am praying I get into this sober house. Not only so I can focus on my recovery. But I really need to get out on my own. The more I think about it. The more I know I need to break away from this toxic codependent relationship me and my gram has. And this is my way out.
She has started with my dad again and they arent talkig again.
But thank goodness he is me after I sent him an email expalining that I didnt give up becasue I didnt get into rehab.
I have 2 appts coming up. I have a ride for the first one but still need to find one to the 2nd one. And thats the sober house interview.
I am sure I will get one. But it is hard when I am use to being able to get myself to places on my own.
I haventbeen out of bed for 2 days. I am depressed again and just feel sick and tired.
Like I dont want to get dressed or even take a shower.
This all sucks.
I know I need to just get up and do it.
But I dont want to right now. It feels like my body wont cooperate.
I feel helpless and stuck and sad and useless.

Have you called the AA hotline, too? If you are pretty certain booze does or can take you the same place drugs have, you qualify, and in my experience, AA meetings are more prolific than NA meetings, especially in smaller areas.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

I have nothing on the AA NA side but I did fix your title Trish.
I think just getting up and doing it is a good plan for today - keep hassling people :)

D

I am having some serious anger issues too.
I dont feel comfortable going to AA. I am not and never have been a drinker.
And especially after reading that one thread asleek posted about the NA guy at AA and the huge arguement that came of it. I dont think so.
I just need to be patient. I cant get to any drugs either so thats a good thing.
My life is on hold again I feel like. I had to cancel my surgery. And all I want to do is eat liek crazy.
I am glued to the freakin pitty pot. I know.
But I do take full responsibility for all of this. If I didnt go that night, none of this would have happened. I would be sitting at my job right now doing nothing and getting paid for it. I cant believe I did this to myself again.

And thx Dee. That really was pushing me over the edge. I know stupid but it was.

I'm not familiar with asleek's post (still debating whether or not I want to look for it or if it will just get me ticked off). Anyway, like you, Aysha, I have trouble identifying with having an alcohol issue, even though I drank excessively and irresponsibly during a period of my life. I was young and I was able to put down alcohol without a problem. But, I attend AA because of NA's limited schedule in my area. I'm very open about this at my AA meetings. I attend only open meetings and, as an addict, I most definitely have the desire to stop drinking (the only requirement for AA membership). Everyone should be welcome at an open meeting. I'm grateful for my AA group. My AA friends are as much of a support to me as any of my NA friends are.

I hope that you will reconsider trying AA if you find that this period of time requires more patience than your disease will allow you to have. Even though the drugs may not be around, you could find yourself extremely miserable and feeling as though you're going out of your ever-lovin' mind. It's a place that can make the freakin' pitty potty feel like a first class, all expense paid, seat on the way to your dream vacation spot.

"I cant believe I did this to myself again." :ghug3 (I know that I'd need one of these after saying those words.)

I dont think I will ever be comfortable going to one. I tried one time and felt so awkward. And then reading and hearing about oldtimers and what they think of NA people in AA. I am sorta a confrontational kinda person. Something I am working on. I did a huge backslide the other night. But I dont think I am ready for that yet.
I dont get urges or cravings until about the 30 month mark or more. So I am good for a month at least.
By then I will hopefully be in sober living.

"I cant believe I did this to myself again." :ghug3 (I know that I'd need one of these after saying those words.)[/QUOTE]

And I am sure everyone here has shared those sentiments.

I know you feel like you are at a standstill right now but getting up, taking a shower and taking action will help. I am really hoping this sober house thing works out for you. Hang in there chickie, great things to come for you!

Just keep going and be thankful of all the things you have going for you. From here I can see you are intelligent, caring, helpful, you can read, write, and type, and I have to believe you have a set of eyes and some fingers. Start with being thankful for that and go from there. It is hard to think about what you don't have when you are filling your mind, heart, and soul with all that you do have, and more manifests from that.

I wish you well, take care, and I am glad you are here, helping others and being helped.

Warmly,

BA

((Trish))

Although alcohol is what brought me to my knees, I have had a much better reception in NA around here... neither group has really asked me about my d.o.c. in a way that I couldn't think of an all-encompassing term to cover it ("serial addict" is my usual)...

Haven't done drugs for years and even though I'd get stuck for a while, I had no problem quitting them in a day... well, one after the other. But I think it's just the AA groups in the area, too top-heavy with long time sobriety and no interest in those with "less than 5 years." Again, just the area I'm sure... I've read much different things on these boards.

My favorite meeting is far away, but AA... about half of everybody there is either a heroin addict or meth addict, and identify as alcoholics. They are much more relaxed and varied--newcomers to people with decades--which is I suppose why I like them. If it helps, be vague until you get to knowing people... you may find others are in your situation, drug addicts who are going to AA in a smaller locale.

Like Christin said, as an addict you definitely have an interest in quitting drinking...


Take care,
TB, praying with you for the rehab thingy...

PS Sorry, I was trying to make it more concise but it's bedtime for TB

Me and my gram are not getting along at all. She blames me now for her and my dad not talking. She is mad that I asked him to take me to my interview to sober living. And she is just being a bitch. I dont know wtf her problem is lately. But she is being like that with alot of people. Like mean and attitude. Its like she gets when she is drunk, pops off at the mouth. But she isnt drinking. She has been very forgetful lately. She asked me the other day if 4am was morning or night. She will ask me something and I answer her 2 times even then ask me again like she didnt hear me when I know she did. I am worried. And now I am worried about leaving her alone now.
I know I need to do this for me. But my worst fear is that something will happen when I am not here. I just dont know anymore.
Its like I am stuck here.

Hi Aysha,

Try to look at all these issues as "snags" that will get worked out as you navigate around them and you will if you persevere. I like what Dee said, "Keep hasselling people."

I know from my AA days, some meetings had announcements....Maybe you could go to the Secretary table before the meeting and ask that he/she make an announcement about desperately needing a lift to and from your location in order to continue making meetings.and you can put your hand up.

There isn't anything you can do to change the dynamic of your family Aysha, so keep your eye on the target and keep moving forward in your pursuits.

Good luck with everything Aysha.

IMO it's not your responsibility - not right now. It's like they say Trish - put the oxygen mask on yourself first or you're no good to anyone else anyway.

D

This may not be construed as positive but I am going to spit it out...I am an alcoholic but I am first and foremost an opiate addict. The NA in my town is CRAP. "Old-timers" hanging all over newcomers, sexual predators and no one cares to do anything about it- (NOT the case in AA around here)- and people running drugs right out in the open during meetings. Perhaps because of this, there are very very few AA meetings where alcohol is talked of exclusively- as far as I'm concerned, if its not a closed AA meeting I have every right to talk about drug recovery- if I am ever questioned I cooly tell whoever it is about the status of NA in this town and tell them that NA here IS NOT a safe place for addicts so where should I go....I know we don't know each other well Aysha, but I've lurked here for years and seen your struggles- I say this with kindness, although it may infuriate you, if you are really willing to go to any lengths this time would checking out ONE AA meeting as an experiment really be the worst thing? You have so many people here who care about you and are devestated when you go out.....

I don't know the age of your gram, Aysha, but she could be showing signs of Alzheimers or another neurological process. But, as Dee so eloquently said, "put the oxygen mask on yourself first..." WOW! How true that is!

Of course, my diseased thinking would try to convince me that I would be a bad person if I were to "put the mask on me first". That's why it's important to seek out wise advice before deciding what the right thing is. Reading this thread, I believe that wise counsel has been given here.

I think that it speaks volumes to your character that you feel a sense of responsibility for your gram. But, here's where it gets tricky... How best can you live out that responsibility? Doing it yourself is not always the best answer to that question. I know that your present turmoil is making you feel as though you don't know what to do anymore. But, you do know, Aysha. It's just that it can easily get lost in all the fear. So, I put it in bold for you. :ghug3

I know and thanks.
I have made a huge hot mess of my life all over again in one night. It has been a mess for years. Its hard when you finally relize just how screwed up it really is. And even more when you see that everything isnt going to be ok and it cant just be shrugged off anymore. These issues need to be addressed and in the right way. I cant pretend like its going to be all better just because I think that was the last time. It isnt the last time if I dont get help. It never will be until I do.
I think it gets really stessful for everyone around this time of year. My gram and my dad are stressing me out, putting me in the middle of their BS. My cousin, I cant even go there anymore. I am taking on other peoples drama and I need to just stay out of it and focus on myself. Its hard when you want to be there for everyone, but I cant even hardly deal with myself right now. I feel like I am going to lose it.
My anger is escalating and its all too much now.
I just need to hold on until I get to that dang interview. Lord help me keep my cool.

trish no trish, your stressing yourself out, by allowing them to let it get to you...

thats the stuff good recovery teaches us to handle,

and i might add, a Power Greater then self...

i pray you find some long term program somehow...

xxooxxoo

oh, and cancel the subscription to the Drama Daily

it will save you a lot!

LOL..That made me smile. I wish it was that easy. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I dont even want to get into what I woke up to this morning. I have completely had it. For once it isnt my BS causing all this. I am trying to run for the hills as fast as I can.

Trish, I am so close to where you are at today, different matter, same thoughts.

My new mantra for now "Change a thought, move a muscle" and I FORCE myself to do what I have to do. I will give myself a minute to do some sulking and then I have to get my @ss up and get moving. I feel like hitting something, I totally relate. Last night on the way home from work I screamed as loud as I could until my head hurt. Just to get out the frustration.

I know it will get better. Two years ago I felt the same way and I fought through all the crap, I was at the bottom and climbed to the top. My goal is to do that all over again. It's for MY greater good!! I f-ing deserve it!!!

What adds to it is other people in my life have ATTEMPTED to suck more life out of me asking for "help". I am able to say no. Enough is enough and I feel ya today Girl.

Get it out, keep venting, my support is always here for ya. :grouphug:

I am just not even talking to anyone anymore or going near anyone unless I have to. Its hard when my whole family has put up with me all these years and sacrificed so much for me and I fall apart at the drop of a hat when they are going through it.
It is just really bad timing right now. I am very unstable mentally, emotionally and getting to be physically.
I am not on the right meds and going tgrough that "Do I really need them anyway" thinking.
I got up today and did landry, got my MP3 on so I dont have to hear anything or anyone. LOL
Cleaned up some stuff. And now I am about to go through some stuff that I may need when and if I move to sober living.
MP3 is my best friend today. I am just tuning everything out. Brilliant!

Trish hugs , tho Ive never been on meds and that , but i do read alot around here , and they do take time.. i know you want things to happen now and such but fact is it does take a lil time for your body to adjust to things .. so keep the Mp3 jamming and let the meds work for you .. ~ huggles Endzy~

Trish, more hugs for you!!! Hope you're feeling better today, this morning....... it's 2:19AM for me, just got home from work. ;)

PS-Forgot to ask the question. :(

As far as transportation needs, can you put up ads around asking for transportation help? You could pay for the gas and then a small fee in the form of a tip.

Aysha,

I do feel for you. This depending on people thing is tricky. And I can relate to not wanting to taking a shower as I have to really push myself in that area. This month I called a woman for help and she said she'd call me back and never did. So of course this just makes me want to not reach out for fear of rejection.

I don't know what to tell you about the ride thing except to keep on trying and maybe something will turn up. Are there any meetings in your area within walking distance? Maybe if you were to get to one of these you could approach the chair and ask that an announcement be made that if anyone could help out with rides (and even if it would be one meeting a week that would be better than no meeting, right?) maybe someone could help.

Hang in there. We just have to sort of blow it off when we hit roadblocks and TRY not to take it personally. Easier said than done, I know. Eventually the right person or people will show up to help if we just plug along.

Aysha, if you are not on the right meds can you get on the right meds? It will continue to be very frustrating if on the wrong meds and it makes sense that your thinking would turn to "do I really need them anyway?"

I have been there done that many times. My shrink says at first people feel better off of them but by month three they are far worse off. Even though I went cold turkey off of mine at the end of October (I don't recommend this!) I still take a small dose of a mood stabilizer. It's probably not enough but if I can put together some sobriety maybe I will be able to see what is truly going on.

As to the MP3, yay! I don't own one but one bright spot is you do and know how to use it!

Right now I am over the whole transportation thing. I have the 2 most important ones for now. Thats to social services to apply for what I need for the sober house and the ride to the interview for sober house.
LF..I am not working and so I do not have any money. Literally zero cents.
I am not on the right meds because I havent been able to get to my Dr to get a prescription or to even go fill it if I did.
With the drama in my world right now I am staying away from everyone before I lose it.
I was feeling really depressed when I first posted this. Alot went on in the days just before this and soon after. Yesterday started off horrible but quickly calmed down. And today is peaceful so far.
But I still am not testing any waters yet. I am just staying to myself. Not asking anything about nothing. I dont want to hear the BS and I dont want to talk about it.
Everyone can keep their drama to themselves.
I have taken RZ's advice and cancelled my subscription. LOL
Thx everyone. Hopefully it stays calm.

I mean this with all kindness and good intention, Trish. The things I quoted are the things that will kill you.

That attitude of 'I don't think so', 'I'm not comfortable with that', 'I'm not ready for that' works against you. When I got sober, I was willing to do whatever it took to get sober. It didn't matter if I was comfortable with it or not.

When you take things off the table like that, you limit yourself. And I'm not just talking about limiting what resources are available to you. I'm talking about limiting your mind. You've already decided how far and to what extent you are willing to go. A more helpful mindset is 'I don't know what it will take, but I'm willing to do anything'. Sobriety doesn't need to be your #1 priority, it needs to be your only priority.

That attitude of surrender is achieved by not caring what other people think, not caring about their opinions, not caring if you take some flak, not caring if you are comfortable or not. You're going to do what needs to be done.

I'm a fairly staunch traditionalist in AA. I believe, and have stood up for, the idea that there is no way of making an AA member out of an addict. That said, I've got some close addict friends who regularly show up at open AA meetings and identify as addicts. I've never seen them get dissed for doing so. They are accepted and welcomed.

When you say you are not ready for that, it just means that you are not ready to be sober. For god sake's, after what you've been through, is it reasonable to say that there are lengths you aren't willing to go to get and stay sober? It's pretty irrelavent what program of recovery someone is using. That idea that 'I want to be sober IF it doesn't involve this and this' is a killer. It doesn't even matter all that much if you pursue those lengths, just be willing to do so. Be willing to abandon yourself.

My personal example of this is belief in a higher power. I was absolutely not willing to entertain that idea for a long time. I couldn't make that leap, and I really, really didn't want to have to depend on this fantasy (opiate of the masses) BS to get sober. But, when I got beaten down by booze for a few more years, I got willing to be a little open minded. I stopped caring about what I wanted to believe in, and became willing to believe in whatever was necessary.

This is my long-winded way of saying that I know it's tough. It's really tough to let go of long held beliefs and viewpoints and prejudices and judgements. But that willingness to go wherever you have to go can be the key for you. It may be uncomfortable, it may be humbling, it may be painful, but be willing to do it. Whatever it is.

And, I'm kind of excited for you. True recovery is the greatest thing I've ever experienced.

I understand what your saying. But too many times iI have heard how those oldtimer AA people really do not like addicts in their meetings. I know what the rules say. But if this is a fellowship and you are there for f2f interaction and to seek support and guidance from these very same people. How can you do that when they dont welcome you?
And sometimes will try and push you out. Thats some crap I dont need right now. I am not trying to pick through my recovery. And so I dont think I should be forced to pick through discrimination for being an addict in an alcoholics meeing.
I have tried AA. And I will admit, it wasnt too bad. I even knew someone there. A girl I use to take my smoke breaks with at one of my old jobs. I would never have guessed she was an alcoholic as she probably wouldnt have gessed I was an addict. That was a little weird. But it was all good because she was someone I hung out with at work.
But still. I feel like its trying to shove a square peg n a round hole.
I only have not even a week until I go for my interview. If all goes well I will be in sober living doing more meetings than I can handle. So I am safe at home, no vehicle, stuck in the middle of nowhere, no money and no drugs anywhere in this town that I know of. I know there is but I couldnt tell you where.
I appreciate all of your suggestions. But I really need to just gather myself for these next few days. I am already a nervous wreck from my family and also reflecting on why I am in this position to begin with. And preparing for this sober living thing is just addicng to it.
I can only take so much right now.

so if you went to score and the dealer would not sell you anything would that stop you?

You have a right to be in NA or AA meetings, dont listen to your head it will tell you lies. Talk to and listen to other members in recovery and start listening to your heart.

There is alot I want to say but I wont. This is why I dont like talking anything about programs in any way shape or form.
No offense Kev, I love ya, But in that same aspect, I wouldnt go begging rides to go get drugs from strangers.
I am not trying to make this a your not doing it right or your not ready or commited debate.
It feels like I am being force fed this stuff over not having a ride. Its not in my control. I made my efforts more than once to try and find a ride through NA's hotline.
I stand my ground on AA. Sry.

no need to be sorry, its your recovery and your there not me. I go mostly to NA meetings, but sometimes I need to stand in a room where I am the baby of clean time and that is hard to do in NA so I go to a large AA meeting, if I am asked to share out of courtesy I keep it to alcohol which aint difficult as I relapsed fopr 11 years with booze.

I would have and did begged robbed lied cheated, done anything to score and so do what I must in recovery, especially in early days and when it gets tough.

I would not bother posting so much in your threads if I did not care, but I understand that you need to do it.