Disgusted in myself
 

Hello to all. I am brand new to this site. I've known for quite a while that I have had a major issue with alcohol but not sure what to do about it. I live in a relatively small town so I don't want to go to meetings here for fear of seeing people I know. I do know I want to stop drinking.

I binge drink once or twice weekly (sometimes more). I'm not a round the clock drinker, but will drink very heavily when I do. I never intend to do this. I always think I will stop myself but most times I drink to oblivion- I usually black out-then I wake the next day to panic attacks, shaking, and what I call "the guilts".

It's ironic because I have so much anxiety attached to my health. I've been drinking since I was 17 (I'm 35 now) and it's just getting worse. I developed cervical cancer and was successfully treated for it 3 years ago. That is part of my trigger for anxiety about my health.

Because of the cancer I quit smoking but then, when really drunk one night I had a puff and now I smoke only when I drink. So after a night of heavy drinking I worry incessantly about getting cancer again, among other random worries.

I hate, hate, HATE feeling like this. I want to stop. I really want to make an honest effort to stop this insanity before it really is too late. The thing is I usually do have this fresh resolve after a night of alcohol, but then three or four days later I figure I can indulge responsibly and usually I overdo it and make a fool of myself (last night my stepson got to watch me crawl up the stairs to bed, not that I remember this).

I know I have a reputation of being a boozehound. I don't want people to think this way about me anymore. I'm being unfair to my family and myself. I think I may be afraid of a life without alcohol, like I can't have fun without it.

Any advice and encouraging words will be most welcomed by me. I'm glad I found this site and look forward to meeting others here who can understand the pain I'm in.

Ellie,

You never have to feel this way again.

It sounds like you really want to quit, but you keep drinking instead. You can keep trying that and see if gets better, or you can do what many others before you have done when they found themselves in the same boat.

I spent a few years trying everything else to quit, and my drinking just got worse and worse. And I kept feeling more and more disgusted with myself.

When I was finally beaten down to the point of utter hopelessness and desperation, I didn't care who saw me at what meeting. I asked someone who had recovered to help me take AA's 12 steps.

Within a few months, I too, had recovered. I still had (and have) a lot more growing to do, but I knew the problem had been solved.

And I never had to feel like that again.

ellie im a binge drinker too. glad you found this site -- it's a wonderful place for help and support. sounds like you need some of both. please keep reading posts and look back into older posts and the stickies at the top of threads. there's a ton of good information here on the site. and there is a chat room too if you look at the toolbar at the top. keep posting~and welcome!!!

Hi Ellie,

Welcome (from a fellow-Canadian)!

I also had some health issues before I began drinking. The anxiety I was experiencing was part of the reason I began to drink. Of course, when I was not drinking, the worry of what I was doing to myself physically, would soon lead me back to the wine. It was a horrible vicious circle and I was miserable.

What I can tell you is that your life will be better without alcohol. None of us have any guarantees regarding our health, and this is something that was hard for me to accept, as I was a control-freak. I had to learn to let go of the concerns and know that I was doing everything I possibly could for my health.

I'm glad you found us!

you are worth it
 

hello ellie, welcome to SR, you have come to the right place, there are so ,many people here with great sobriety whom want to help you. i can really relate to how much pain and despair you are feeling right now, because when i first came to SR seven months ago i was on my knees because of my alcoholism, mentally and physically i could take no more, i was emotionally drained. i did not for one second think i could quit drinking as towards the end i was drinking myself into blackout on a daily basis, but i was desperate so i hung around and listened, i made an effort to reply to posts and actually take advice for once! which wasnt always easy for someone as stubborn and undisciplined as me. i know you say you dont want to go to aa for fear of seeing someone you know, i too felt that way, but in the end everyone in my town saw me staggering the streets drunk , so i figured that i had nothing to lose by being seen sober in an aa meeting! at least people would know i was serious about tackling my problem.believe me ellie life does get better once you put the drink down, you may not think that now, i too felt that way, and at first it is difficult , i would be lying if i said it wasnt, but after a few months it becomes a way of life. all you need is an open mind and willingness. i wish you well , you are in my thoughts, be strong , give yourself a chance you deserve it. you fought cancer , you can fight this. x

It's not goin' to stop / till you wise up

That's a Aimee Mann lyric (Magnolia, anyone?) I've always quoted to myself in the past couple years, as I've fretted and agonized weekly about my abuse. As I've had anxiety after 3, 4, and 7 day benders. My alcoholism is very similar to yours. My drinking and the subsequent anxiety, worrying about cancer, lack of ambition, and sheer insanity have only gotten worse as I've continued.

Sometimes I think some of us need some tough love. Some unadulterated truth. I still feel like having someone who loves me beat the hell out of me while telling me how much time and money and personal capital I've wasted in the past decade alone.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. I for one have been insane for a while now. I have to have peace of mind now. I can't take it anymore. If we keep letting the alcohol decide our fates, its only getting worse, and there will be no peace as it steers our course. YOU HAVE TO STOP. Or you'll continue feeling this way.

In the past two years I was able to remain sober continuously for one month..that was it. Usually it's once a week that I will get smashed. It's like I have to do it or something. I do remember the one month that I did stay sober and I was really beginning to feel better. In reading many of these posts I'm realizing that alcohol really is keeping me down. I use alcohol to self medicate, to alleviate the worries, but then as we all know, they come back ten fold the next day. I know now that alcohol is not helping me at all. I also know that I can not drink moderately and that I'm on the slippery slope. My drinking is just getting progressively worse. I noticed this summer especially that I hated being sober, I was bored, and just felt crappy overall. It's gotten to the point that I don't take much enjoyment in my life, even though I have so much to be thankful for. I realize now that it's the drinking itself that is stopping me from enjoying my life. I get into the wine and have a 2-3 hour "high" before I totally black out. Geez, I feel so bad for my husband and kids. I'm so ashamed of myself. Thanks for everyone's support here.
As for AA, well, I'm scared to go there because I have a job that relies heavily on reputation. I am not at a point that I can risk it getting around that I'm in AA. I'm just not ready for that.
I can't believe how much abuse I've done to myself in the last few years. How pathetic. I am really going to give this my all. My husband laughs and I don't blame him, he's heard this sooooo many times before.

I hope you do give it your all. I guess people have to fall so far...to know when they've had their fill. When you've had enough, you'll know.

Welcome to the Sober Recovery community.
Should you really be letting some fear keep you
from attending any meetings that will help you?

It is, after all, an anonymous fellowship that relies
on the respect and consideration of it's members.
Perhaps you should go, just to make sure of that?

Hi Ellie

Welcome to SR - I know the spiral well - I have health issues too - the very worst thing I could do was drink/smoke - so when I did, I'd end up drinking and smoking more to try and control the guilt, anxiety and fears I felt for imbibing in the first place.

It's madness - and you're well out of it.

This place is a great support - keep reading and posting - especially when you want to give into the insanity - a few calm voices here have saved me more than once.

hope to see you around :)
D

Welcome to SR!

You need to want to rediscover the person in yourself that doesn't need alcohol. Until that point, you will be stuck in this vicious cycle.

Simple question: Do you think you can do this by yourself?

I'm sure she's in there somewhere, and I'm sure she's great. Unless you are seriously curious as to who this person is, it will be difficult to quit.

Keep posting please!

Ellie,

Alcohol not only doesn't alleviate the problems in life, it makes things worse. It often causes anxiety and depression. You are making a great choice to begin a sober life. Know that you can do this!

welcome something that has helped me this time (I have had a few unsuccessful attempts) has been keeping that feeling of disgust that I had after a black out night. I just remember that feeling of "GOD what did I do, who do I need to say I am sorry to" and so on. every time that voice says "You can have 1 glass of wine" I bring myself back to that feeling of shame and the desire for a drink is gone. I'm sure you will find your stride and just know that you can do it. There will be up's and downs but you can totally take this on and will be stronger for it in the long run. The fact that you have survived Cancer is a huge accomplishment and make sure you acknowledge your part in that. Not just the powers around you but what YOU did to help fight it. Good luck and keep coming back.

Wow, you sound ALOT like me. I also had a cervical cancer scare in my 20s, they took about 25% of my cervix and I have been fine ever since. I too binge drank and hated that I people joked about how much I could put back.

3 months ago I joined SR and quit for 6 weeks. I never felt so good in my life. Then I went back and began casual drinking again only to find that I really just dont like it anymore. It makes me anxious and feel like crap - even when I am sober. So I am back here because sobriety is soooo much better.

Drinking sucks, even just having a few... I really dont see why people even bother.

This is a good first step! Just try quitting for at least 30 days and see how you like it (I bet you will!!)

More than once reading your responses you people have brought tears to my eyes. I had mentioned my health scare before because the anxiety I felt from that I think has contributed to my frequency of alcohol abuse. I've used alcohol to numb myself from worrying. As for the one or two drink idea, well, I can totally relate that even having a couple makes a person feel crappy. I want to give me a chance! Thank you all so much for responding to my post. It helps me tremendously to know that I am not alone in all this.

Glad to know you want to quit drinking
Welcome.....:wavey:

your story really hit home with me.
 

Hi Ellie. I can relate to alot of what you say. I'm new here too and have just decided that I can't moderate myself and am going to go to AA. I too feel bad for what I'm missing out with my family. I would choose to be at home drinking my wine until I'm passed out, over spending a nice evening with my kids. I would just make some excuse for why I couldn't see them. Time to stop!! Life is too short. Keep in touch!

Welcome to SR!

A small level of disgust is good, because it signals to yourself that this is something you don't like. But don't be too hard on yourself, as that will only function to lower your self-esteem, and make you want to drink more to feel better. Millions and millions of people out there cannot moderate their drinking, despite any and all efforts. There is no shame in this. It takes a lot of courage to admit you have a drinking problem, to others and to yourself. Getting to a meeting takes even more courage (I am currently in an outpatient rehab program, and have yet had the courage to make it to one!) Check out a meeting, and just listen. If you don't think you'll get anything out of it, leave and don't come back. AA is good because you can take as little or as much from it as you want. If you want to go all in, and work the steps diligently, go for it. If you don't like the religious bent, and if just listening to the stories and having something else to do besides drinking helps, then take that and leave the rest. Anyway, good luck, and keep posting!

I can relate to your story too...I never would drink around the clock...I'd wait for a certain time in the day...usually around 4pm and then crack open a beer...get bored after a couple so move onto wine (big mistake)...I would always take a pint of water up to bed with me and drink that upon waking up with panic/anxiety attacks...then I'd lay awake trying to peice together the events of the night before...what I did, what I said etc...how I'd let my kids down even tho I'd try to hide it all from them, they'd still see the beer everyday...I'd lay in bed promising myself not to do it again...wondering why I was like it...heart racing etc etc...then after a day recovering I would feel like giving it all another whirl...well it wasnt that bad, was it?...like a previous poster said I now remind myself of that self-loathing, regret and shame that I was experiencing more and more, that seems to help take the edge of that urge when it strikes. I wish I could have just one or two...and leave it there...and for a while I probably could...but then I reckon I'd end up upping the game until I end up the way I just described....in the end you just get sick and tired of being sick and tired.....good luck!

Hi Ellie, welcome to SR. I too could have written your story several yrs ago (w/o the cancer glad you conquered that!). The only thing you can do is stop completely. I didn't drink every day but when I did 99% of the time is was all or nothing and I'd black out and not remember a thing. Just about every Sunday I'd swear I would stop drinking then by Tuesday or Wednesday I'd buy a bottle of wine. Then my daughter grew up moved out on her own I was lonely, I was bored, I drank...it just kept getting worse and more often. I had no idea who/what Judy was w/o my wine. AA is not the only way, it wasn't for me, however, the AA book was the best book I ever read and I read it over and over; and following the 12 steps has led me to living a life that I am proud of and that I love.

Ellie first let me welcome you to SR, I want you to know that if you are willing to do what ever it takes, you never have to drink again unless you want to.

Okay so you already have a reputation of being a booze hound, I was nick named "the one armed man" in my old neighborhood while I was drinking because I was NEVER seen without a cold one in my hand, reputations can be changed.

So having a reputation as a booze hound as you already mentioned is better then having a reputation as being some one who is doing something about thier drinking problem by going to AA?

Hon reread what you said?

I have gone in 3 short years from being "the one armed man", basically the neighborhood drunk, to according to my own children as the father other kids would like to have and the guy others call on when they need a hand.

No one knows me as "That guy who goes to AA!" I do not keep it a secret at all, nor do I advertise it.

Today I am not known as a member of AA by anyone outside of the rooms of AA, I am known as some one people trust and can rely upon.

Alcohol took me first to the point where I just did not give a damn if I was refered to, or known as a drunk.

The second place alcohol took me to was a point where I knew it was going to kill me if I did not find a way to stop drinking and stay stopped.

The third place alcohol took me to was to AA!!!

AA is the place I found respect for myself and my fellow man! It is the place I learned how to live life on lifes terms sober and happy. It is the place I have to thank for being the man I am today, a man that not only respects himself, but is respected by others.

Think long and hard about what I quoted you on...... you admit you are already known as a booze hound in your small town, if it is anything like the small towns I have lived in then EVERYONE knows you as a booze hound, the people at work know it to.

How many people do you know in your small town that go to AA?

I bet you know a whole lot more then you think you do! We do not advertise that we are in AA, we may let someone know we are in AA, but the last thing I nor the VAST majority of AA members would ever do is to say who else they know that is in AA.

Keep in mind, AA stands for Alcoholics Anonymous, not Alcoholics Advertising.

"Oh" my some one who knows you might say IF they found out that Elsie is going to AA, "Elsie has decided she doesn't want to be a booze hound any more."

Today, for me, I prefer to be known as a recovering alcoholic much more then I would like to be known as a drunk!

Welcome to SR! Lots of support here so keep coming back. It IS possible to stop drinking and stay sober. Read and post your questions and problems. We care.

Someone did know me in AA...
 

Hi Ellie, :You_Rock_

Your post is very close to where I was when I quit drinking. I was 48 & sick of living the way I was. I was a single Mom with one of my five children still home. I was drinking every night after work & all day on the weekends.

I had a low-income job with no benefits + a good child support so we were making it with me drinking at home.

I wasn't even able to crawl to bed on my last drunk...I had to be put on a sleeping bag & dragged to bed by my daughter & now husband. This was on the 4th of July & by the 10th of July I was in the hospital getting a medical detox.

I had gone to Mental Health to get an appointment for help with my depression, anxiety, & drinking that next week. This was 21 years ago & I am still sober & still take medication for my chemically imbalanced depression which I have had since a teen.

I have many life experiences that made me think I deserved to drink to drown my sorrow but that only made my depression & alcoholism worse.

I wanted to quit drinking more than anything in my life so I stuck with the AA Program, my counseling for Depression/Anxiety & a different Group Counselor for my Alcoholism. I live in a small rural area & some of us did know each other. One of our Judges for court is in AA, also another Judges wife is in AA. As they say, alcoholism doesn't care if you are rich, poor, black or white..it is not choosy about who follows this path. :day6

Please keep coming back. We have lots of our own experience, strength & hope to share with you.

kelsh

I can understand so completely the views on going to AA, and I should not worry about who sees me there. I wasn't entirely clear before. Certain people in certain circles think of me as a "boozehound" or at least someone who really likes red wine. I am not joking when I say going to AA could really be a detriment to my career. Part of it is also that I'm really not comfortable talking openly about this with anyone. I was in counselling a while back and hardly could discuss it with my therapist. Maybe when I become more comfortable with the person I am I will feel differently. I'm just not ready right now. That being said, about 13 years ago I did go to a few AA meetings. I did not have the job I do now and I was with an abusive man at the time. After a night of drinking I knew the next day I would be in for it with him so I called AA so that he would see I was trying to get help. I did go to about two or three meetings. This was quite a while ago and I wasn't at the stage I am now with my drinking so I may feel differently, but I did not feel I got much from them then. I am grateful that I found this site though, because it is nice to see that I have support. I'm scared about what the next few days will bring. I always cave in on my alcohol addiction between day 5-7 (if not sooner). I know that reading these posts and learning more is helping me. At this point I have to say that I find every day life mundane and I do not enjoy sobriety. I can only hope that will change. I read another post tonight about someone who said something about the excitement they feel before they drink. I can relate to that feeling, but also relate to the response that the excitement is short-lived. What a twisted cycle! Thanks for letting me ramble on.

Being honest with yourself and a therapist or people at an AA meeting is a tough, tough thing to do. It may hurt, but the hurt is temporary, but the benefits to your psyche (and soul) of unburdening yourself of these thoughts and feelings is immesurable. No one will judge you, as they are all there for the exact same reason you are. Give it a shot with the therapist again. I had a second appointment with my therapist this past wednesday, and started talking about some really painful stuff, I had a panic attack, thought I was going to freak out or puke, and had to run out of her office and get some air. I breathed, drank some water, settled down, and got it all out. It was scary and hurt, but I'm so glad I did. I felt so much better. So, just an example of unburdening and the benefits therein.