I am...
 

an alcoholic (I don't feel connected to that word at all). Have been for about 4 years now. About 2 years ago something happened that pushed me off the deep end and I gave up on having any control over anything. Since then I have been getting wasted an average of 6 out of 7 nights a week. The amount started at 6 beers and got as bad as 15 or more in a matter of about 7 or 8 hours. I managed to stay sober for 16 days starting on the 12th of June. I was so excited when my hands finally stopped shaking at 2 weeks : ) I went to Minneapolis to attend a wedding for a weekend with my best friend and a couple. The woman was self absorbed and very immature. Having to politely tolerate her and watch everyone get drunk on top of that was too much to handle. I kept the drinking to a minimum for a while but for the last 3 weeks its been almost every day again. Last Sat I drank 16. I woke up with a hangover and threw up some bile and blood. I almost never get hangovers and I haven't thrown up in 7 years. I'm guessing I ramped it up to quickly.
So that's where I am.
I'm on my 3rd day of sobriety now. I'm a very solitary and independent person so that lets me get away with a lot. I'm hoping hanging out on this site will help.
Ug, reading what I wrote makes me want to drink.
Why does this stupid addiction feed on itself like that? It's like the fire is the fuel.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I look forward to...seeing if this helps.

:c009:

Welcome to SR. I am only on like day 34 (this time) so I can relate to your struggles! I have been battling this thing for many years and get alot of inspiration from those on here that have made it for a long time. It can be done! Keep reading and posting especially when you get the urge.

odd welcome. glad you found the site. i think you will find lots of support and info here. i live by myself and isolate too, so i know what you mean about being able to get away with it. almost no one knows how i used to drink. (or at least that's what i think i guess) i got a dui and have to go to court this coming tues. but won't go into that....... definitely started me on a journey for sobriety!!!
anyhow, i wish you well. hang out and read posts here--lots of info to "chew on" and i find a lot of lightbulb moments in reading posts at times. and keep posting-i find participating here has helped me a lot. esp for someone who is used to taking care of myself--it has been hard to me to ask for help.
again - welcome!!! :hug: bo

Welcome!

I'm glad you recognize that you need support and you will find lots of people here who understand what you're going through.

Welcome to SR :) a visit to the Doc woudl be a good idea at this point, wish I had when I quit.

Welcome to SR. I'm currently on my third day and this place has helped me a lot.

Really?

I would definitely see a doc, the vomiting of blood doesn't sound good at all!

Welcome.

Thank you so much for your replys. God it feels good to talk to people who understand. My mom's dad was an alcoholic so she kinda understands but who wants to lay this **** on their mom?
I probably should go to the doc. There have been other bad signs too. Every step in the right direction is like pulling my feet out of tar but I think I can get myself to go.

Hi OddSpot

Like Nogard I wish I'd gone to the Dr too - it's the sensible way to do things.
Let us know how you get on :)

I found nearly everything made me drink too - good, bad, indifferent - when you do everything with a drink for so long, nearly every situation can make you feel that way.

One of the best things I ever learned was that I can think, talk, and post my way through wanting to drink... I don't have to act on the impulse anymore.

This place is a great support :) Welcome to SR!

D

in 2005' i was getting into my "trying" to quit mode.. it was hard and after i stayed sober a few weeks and drank again it got worse.. i firmly believe that the affliction was trying very hard to kill me. it almost did..

Yes! Everything makes me drink good days/emotions and bad days/emotions. I've managed to keep my job (I work for a great bunch of people) but I hold in all the reactions and emotions (made extreem over the years by so much self medicating I'm sure) for the end of the day then drown them. I hate expressing genuine emotions. I really hate crying. I get so excited right before I drink, everything feels so perfect in that moment.

I can so relate OS, that was me right there, for so many years, decades in fact. Nothing stopped me not death, not a stroke not prison not overdosing, not losing all my realationships, not losing all my material goods.

I quit when I was despeate enough and over time day by day I continue to get well and all those things you talk have been removed.

I can not do this alone. I can't but we can,together we can stop and get well. I am pulling for you.

Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

Kevin

Wow, that was really well put... I am almost a year, I learn something from everyone...

Yea, that excitement right before.... hmm, I don't know about you, but that excitement turned into a letdown pretty quick towards the end.

Welcome, keep posting.

Mark

Thank you so much nogard. Your post brought tears to my eyes too, dammit :) Feeling allowed to be honest is something I don't know I've ever felt and didn't expect to feel now. I'm really bad at expressing myself in the moment I'm feeling what I'm trying to express but I really mean thank you.

((((OS)))) glad your here.

Thanks OS...after 2 1/2 months of sobriety I REALLY needed to hear your post. I understand (isn't it amazing what those words can mean to someone)...and I live alone also. Please PM me if you want some one to talk to...or just make small talk with...I know I can always use that connection.

GLAD YOU ARE HERE!

I agree Mark, it very quickly starts to feel like a job. 'Ok, I have to drink so many in so long before I feel like today didn't happen and tomorrow wont either.' But all I feel before oblivion sets in is detached awarness, resignation and depression. For someone who doesn't like emotions I sure make myself feel a lot of bad ones. I shouldn't single myself out. I realize I'm part of a number of people who feel the same.

Hi Want, another thing I didn't expect is to feel like a contribution :) I'm glad, that helps me too.

In the end, drinking only makes everything harder. Think of that person you will be when you're clean and can handle everything as the person in your heart, rather than in the bottle. That's what is helping me. I can't wait to meet this person in myself. I'm a little nervous, but also excited.

GOOD LUCK!

Congrats on day three. :) Get a plan to stay sober and stick with it! AA works for me, but there are other methods to living sober. Some of the folks around here would be more than happy to share what works for them. Stick around!

Thank you. I am beginning to think I do need to find a program. I've been browsing the forum and it seems like drinking is to a drunks life as recovery is to a sober persons life. I'm assuming and hoping the latter is eventually easier than the former over time? But there's no way for drinking to stop being a problem is there? People start drinking for a reason. But they didn't drink at one point. You'd think there would be a solution. What was changed or awakened or altered? It seems rediculous that I have to monitor this problem considering monitoring myself probably contributed to the problem.

Hi OS there is a solution its called Recovery which is what we are doing. In terms of support I go to NA and AA and that helps me a lot. In some ways its not a lot different from what we do here. There are other programs like SMART. In the end it does not really matter what you choose. The things they have in common in recovery seem to be:

Recovery from booze and drugs
Actions we need to make to grow
Other addicts/alkies to support us.

Personally I would and will do whatever it takes to stop stay stopped come to terms with the underlying issues and take whatever action I need to to be rid of them or grow.

If cartwheeling down the street for 2 hours a day was the program then I would learn do that, whatver it takes ;)

Kevin

Cartwheeling..LOL i would too!!

I'm tired of trying to make sense of the problem. I don't think there is any sense to the problem. I guess all that's left is letting go of it, right? I'd feel a lot better if I could kick it's ass. Rastle it down and make it submit. Hey, does anyone out there have a first time at an AA meeting story? I'd really appreciate one :)

I have found no sense to the problem, I try to just get on with the solution.

My first time was a midday meeting in Melbourne. I sat at the back sweating and shaking and smelly, thought no one saw me. As people walked by they shook my hand. Someone gave me a 1/2 full cup of coffee and after as I ran for the door someone said keep coming back.

I hated it and I knew I was not one of them and was better than them and was never going back... 4 years and 3 months later I am still going back and I love the fellowship and adore meetings. I have been given a new life and its still unfloding.

What kept me going back? Hope and my heart and my life is wonderful when I listen to my heart and live with hope.

So no funny stories OS but an honest one :)

Kevin

Did you keep going back to the same one you started with?

Yes for many months and sometimes still do but I went to others after the first few days, I went to one or two meetings a day for the first year or so. Over 4 years later I still do 2 - 4 meetings a week. Some of them AA and some NA.

Kevin

What is the participation like? Are you expected to start contributing and/or guiding at some point.

No nothing like that. All you do is listen as well as you can. when your ready you can share.

All thats required is to put bum on seat be as open as you can.

Some members don't share for a long long time, some share rarely. Me, at some point I was busting to share my experience strength and hope (ESH) and these days I share whenever asked.