i need to ask for some advice, thanks!
 

i have a friend who has been sober for over 20 years. both of his parents were alcoholics, so he is very codependent. he's single at about 52 or so, and he takes in "strays" (lol) - folks who have a lot of problems, no place to live, no jobs, addiction issues, etc.

he is now taken in a 20 year old girl and her baby. (she's a daughter of a friend of his who passed away a few years ago). the daughter is estranged from the rest of the family, and has some mental health issues, but no addiction issues that i know of. no job, no baby daddy in the picture, very immature.

so the problem is the baby. my friend has ZERO baby experience, other than being an uncle. we spent about 10 hours with my friend, the mom, and the baby this past weekend. the baby was not fed ONE TIME the entire time, other a bottle propped during a nap, which she took about a third of. the baby is very small, and appears malnourished..it was heartbreaking. she was also only changed once, and hardly cared for, other than the attention she got from us. the mom is not bonded at all, and never holds or comforts the baby. she just kind of throws her around, then ignores her. it is horrible.

i don't think my friend has a CLUE how to care for the baby, because i know he would never allow this to be happening if he knew how to handle the care..he is just in WAY over his head. and thinks he is helping this young mom out.

so how should i approach the subject with my friend - our concerns for the health of this baby? i don't really want to get involved with the codependent part of it, as i know i can't control that. i just need to be able to sleep at night, knowing that poor little baby is getting the nourishment and caring she needs.

any ideas? i know i can approach it with my friend, as we have been through a lot together, and he will listen.

thanks! k

Wow, being a new Grandma and spending time with a baby, that sounds horrible.

For me, I would be contacting child protective services. The baby is not getting the care it needs and the young mother needs help.

I actually agree with contacting an authority on this issue. The baby could be placed in a loving home where the child, rather than the mother would be the focus. I know it is a difficult thing to do.

If you were set against that, maybe talk to him, buy him parenting books etc and let him know what you noticed. Babies need nurturing...and I have seen many first time parents learn fast and well. That would lead me to believe that the intention is good, but the love and care is just not present.

It's a tricky situation, but talk to him... it may be better if that child was in foster care or formally adopted. Good luck.

Hey K....how heartbreaking....I have tears in my eyes just reading your post. I have to say, as hard as it is, I think you need to contact authorities. It might be ok if your friend would learn and be helpful to this mom and her baby, but what if she decides to take off from your friend's place tomorrow, next week, next month? The baby would again be in jeopardy. You are in my prayers, my friend. Be brave for that baby's sake. I know you will be, whatever you decide to do. Love, Jomey

Actually, I would approach this new mommy and in a gentle teaching way, talk about what you observed and teach about feeding and changing schedules to ensure a healthly outcome.

It's not only a good idea, but a responsibility to contact someone who can deal with the welfare of the little baby. One more vote (and plea) for contacting child services. This does NOT always mean the baby would be taken away, but that is who to call to intervene when a child is being abused and/or neglected so that it doesn't continue. I do not think that helping an innocent baby has anything to do with fostering codependency issues anyone in the situation may have.

The only person who is actually in charge of this baby is the mom, and although making your friend aware of the neglect is good- he can't control what happens. Trying to teach him, how to teach her, doesn't sound like a good solution. My thoughts were the same as the others about contacting the child protective service in your area.


I would think it best to report it asap before she has the chance to run.

The worst thing for that baby- beyond what is happening now, would be if this young mother moved out of your friend's home without some actual accountablity. There's no way to predict how she will respond, nor if the present living arrangement is the best thing for her, the baby or your friend. I would think it best to let the professionals handle things.

I agree, report to child protective services before it's too late

K, you know I am a retired SW. The baby most likley took "a third of the bottle" offered

because she is not held during feedings. In studies..babies will take coddling over

food for survival of basic needs. This is so sad, and appears to be a case of "failure

to thrive." The child has missed out on necessary nutrients for growth, but more

importantly, love and affection during this critical period of her growth. She may

be on her way, even at this early age..of giving up. Police can be contacted to do

a "welfare check." Or Social Services should be contacted immediately.

They are not bad folks, actually...they will work with the mother.

Their job is to help her become a better parent and ensure the safety and

well being of the child.

I agree completely! Contact Childrens' Services right away. baby needs what mom isn't giving her, and she needs it now. Please contact authorities. My prayers go out to the baby and mommy.

Hey K - You and your friend, mom and baby are all in my prayers. Please let us know how things are going...stay strong! Love, Jomey

Sounds like the baby is in grave danger. Babies need to be fed frequently. 10 hours without feeding is at best neglect, perhaps even abuse. Ughhh... my heart is breaking. The baby is in danger of dehydration as well. Please contact someone in authority!

Oh this absolutely breaks my heart, especially after reading storm's response. I'm with the general consensus of contacting child protective services. Please let us know how everything goes.

PLACE THE CALL! Another life is at stake.

You stated that you believe the mother might have mental health issues. She will need more than just a buddy helping her with a place to stay. A call will not only help the baby, but also get the mother the help she needs.

thank you to everyone for their responses and support. my friend called me last night (he is actually going to come to our place for the upcoming weekend, so he was planning his trip. me and mr k are thinking we may call him today and tell him to forget it - i am NOT up for a visit with him right now, i am so aggravated). i talked to him about my concerns, and he was pretty defensive about it - he says they feed the baby a lot, and that the day we were with them was just a "fluke". i told him, 'UNACCEPTABLE! YOU DO NOT GET DAYS OFF FROM FEEDING A BABY!" i really am sick about it. the mom is incapable and he is being irresponsible at the very best.

i have another friend that lives close to him (i'm actually about 5 hours away from him). my other friend that lives close to him is going over to his place today to speak with him as well. i still am planning to call family services, but i did not tell my friend this last night. i am going to get my head around it and make the call today. i know i have to. it's the best solution. so thanks again for supporting me on it.

meanwhile, i appreciate your prayers for the baby. she deserves better.

k

I'm so, so glad and proud of you for deciding to do what you can for the baby. Please keep us posted.

I absolutley Despise Child protective services for how they handle some cases But in THIS case I would call them immediatly!!

i'm calling this morning. i can't believe that NOBODY closer to the situation hasn't done it before. sheesh. what a mess. i was sad. now i am just MAD!

(((((K)))))

Good for you. I have had to do this (for my own conscience) more than several times over the years.

I started to realize in recovery, our (the human race) survival is in THE CHILDREN. I believe we have to protect THE CHILDREN.

I applaud you for you care and concern!!!!!

We've got enough 'screwed up adults' in this world. Hopefully, and I will pray that it is so, the mom will get the help she needs also!

You are a very good person K!

Thank you.

Love and hugs,

**{K}} I just read your concerns and I am so glad you made the phone call. I had to call protective services on my own sister years ago. It was the hardest call I had to make but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. I pray that darling child will grow up with someone who just loves him/her and will take good care of them. Maybe this is what the mom needed, you know, a wake up call. You are a loving person K and you did the right thing here.