Should I still feel like this??
 

Inside n out?

I have been here (this forum) on and off the last 24 hours reading. I joined yesterday afternoon. I hung out in chat last night and was welcomed and made to feel at home, thanks.

Thanks for being here to give me/others a place to turn.

So, here I am. Should I feel this way? …a plain mess. Inside and Out.

My story:

Around last week of Aprill, first week of May this year, I started to believe I was an alcoholic.

I am going to be 39 in Aug. I had been drinking since age 15, socially. At age 27 I was drinking every weekend, then it became daily. I drank and drove and had a serious 1 car motor vehicle accident and broke my neck, shoulders, (one is now metal replacement), collapsed lungs, ect. Not good. I was court ordered to AA and spent time in DUI driving class, the whole time thinking, “I’m not like these people….some of these people have had this happen before, how could they drink again??

Long story…..longer

It took me 2 yrs to recover physically, from accident, no problems not drinking, the first year….sadly the 2nd year I was drinking on the weekends again.

I could sit here and type about the ups and downs over the years, the past wit family, the children (3 beautiful) , divorce (1 over, 1 almost over), blaming everything on what has brought me here….I won’t, I can't. I, ME, am the alcoholic. WOW.

It was a slow progression….a little more here, there…. No one had a clue, I was a functioning alcoholic. Not only did no one else see it, I didn’t see it!!!! UNTIL….I HAD to drink a few weeks ago to control shaking, DURING the DAY, to control the physical things that were happening to my body. I started reading on the internet and learning about alcoholism and it hit me like a TON of BRICKS. I let something like this ‘get’ me. I am an alcoholic.

Long story…just a bit longer (thanks for puttin’ up with me)

I called my husband (we are separated, but, thank goodness have a great parenting relationship and friendship) and told him he needed to come take me to Rehab. I had tried for 2 weeks to “do this on my own” but I am afraid for my physical health. I needed meds to keep me from shaking. I told him I didn’t want to die trying to quit drinking and just needed a few days. He came right over and drove me to rehab, this was on 5/18…I arrived at midnight, drinking all the way there knowing it would be my last. I spent until 5/22, 4 days and felt like a new person. Came home, life moves on.

Just a bit more, a wee bit more (didn’t realize how long it could take to type about about of month of happenings)……

7 days goes by, no problems, no drinking. Friend stops by with tequila, have a few shots….wake up next morning, I am shaking, it starts again. I am right back where I started. That lasted for 1 week ½ or so and leads me to how I ended up at what I think is ‘bottom’ and also here…

Week of 6/15, I'm almost done, I promise, telling myself this has got to stop, I have no time left to take off work. How do I get through work without drinking to keep from shaking?? How does this cycle end?

I remembered a drug someone told me about in rehab, go to the doc, told him I want drug I heard about in rehab that will make me sick if I drink, that’ll do it. I was now drinking 2- ½ pints of tequila at night, and ½ to 1 pt of vodka during the day to 'maintain' (keep from shaking to death).

BTW, I did no research, he wrote the script, Antabuse, (is there a t?) that was Monday…went with no drinking through Sunday the following week, feeling sick, but getting through, taking Antabuse for those days, every morning drive to doc before work and take pill, no problems, weekend comes, I drink…I almost die, IMO.

Within minutes of taking 2 shots I vomited, felt really bad, heart racing, red faced, scared the bejesus out of me. However, was able to get through it and lay down to sleep….wake up Wed, MASSIVE headache, muscle aches, neck tension, feeling really bad. Went to doc to get my daily pill, I explained to nurse about my symptoms and asked her to call me at work when doc arrives if I should do something more/less. No call.

All day Thursday I am struggling. Nausea, neckache, headache. Go to chiropractor thinking I have a good crick in my neck….. indescribable to anything I felt before…got home and read about Antabuse and have more anxiety that I may have really ‘done it’ this time. A

fter talking in chat and getting less anxious about how I was feeling, they advised I see my Doc asap, which I already knew I had to go this morning for the Antabuse.

Thanking God I woke up, went to see Doc before work. I told him the whole story (by this time I had researched Antabuse and NOW understanding how it works) and he said I was having muscle spasms, tension and other symptoms were all related to the reaction to alcohol and Antabuse and I will be OK as long as I don’t drink again. He gave me 2 new prescriptions, one for muscle spasms (Zanaflex) and one for pain (Voltaren)…..those I took this morning at 1030am est and NO RELIEF yet. (FYI=ALL meds I am on are the Antabus, somedays 2 tabs, somedays 1 in the morning, ativan as needed/3 times daily .05 and vistoral 3 times daily, the 2 latter given to me when I left rehab)

Should I still feel like this???

OK, phew, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. I am sorry it was so long but want to get it all out. I do think that’s important to get out my whole tale (I know this will help someone later like the help I have rec’d the last 24 hours reading your stories here, stories I truly wish I had read sooner.)

BTW, I took 2 Tylenol arthritis when I started writing this (just happened to have 650 mg in cabinet at work) and I almost feel normal again, what is up with that??? Maybe they are all just kicking in at once or maybe there is such thing as ‘getting the load of yer shoulders?'??

I am hurting physically and emotionally, so dumb to have let it all gotten this far out of hand! Right now I just want to live through this. I know there is so much work to be done. I am willing and know help is available, now. NOW, that I realize I have this awful problem.

Is all this normal? These physical headache/neckaches, feeling so bad? I didn’t feel like this in rehab. I thought I had beat it and I feel worse today then when all this started. I will NOT drink again, just want to get on the ‘right road’ and stay there…just not sure where that road is at this point, the only thing I am sure of is that I am an alcoholic and need support and guidance.

Thanks again for being here for us going through this. I hope to return the favor when the time is right. No one knows in my ‘real life’ any of this is happening except my husband, my bff, and one teenage child (adult child away at college and clueless), who are all very supporting, but they really can’t relate as you who have been there.

Hi,

What I can tell you, is that each time you stop drinking, it will be worse than the last time. And, alcoholism is a progessive disease and it will get worse unless you stop.

I have never taken Antabuse, so you need to ask your dr about your symptoms.

Understandably, your body will take some time to recover. There is a lot for your body to deal with. Just focus on your recovery and keep moving forward.

I drank for approx 20 years, 15 of of which I drank every day and heavily.

It took my body time to recover from that, it didn't take as long as I thought it could have though.

By the end of a week I felt better and by a couple of weeks I felt great.

Stick with it, take care of yourself.

Welcome to SR

Well, I've taken antabuse and I'm really surprised your doc doesn't seem to have given you information about it! In my antabuse treatment I was not allowed to medicate at home, in other words, I was not given any tablets.

I had to go to my outpatient addiction center to take a breath test first and was given the tablet there. I had to check in with a nurse every single time I took a tablet. Part of the program was also ongoing liver checks. The dosage of my antabuse was carefully monitored.

I never drank on antabuse. One of the reasons for the close monitoring was that if I did drink on it, I may have been considered a bad candidate for the treatment and it might not have been continued.

Please be careful with this drug...I would recommend that you try to find an outpatient program where your use of it is monitored and where you can use it in conjunction with other treatment methods such as therapy....

All I can offer is an e-hug and a welcome. I hope you find your way to well soon.

This too shall pass, if you quit drinking.

Are you doing anything else for recovery? AA or counseling?

All I've got is a hug and welcome as well. I hope you are being TOTALLY honest with your doctor. The additional pain killers sound dangerous to me but I'm no medical professional. Be careful, and keep posting.

Judy

Great first share, having a true share as your first post is great to have so that when we see you starting to waver in your commitment BAM quote your first post. Its very powerful.

Glad to have you here, liked your "little longer" breaks ;-)

facing~ :ghug3

Im so glad that you found us and chose to share your story. I was also a functioning alcohol dependent. It was really shocking to me when I quit what my body had to go through to get rid of all the toxins and reverse some of the damage the alcohol had done. Its good that you are talking to your doctor but I would be even more frank and honest with him/her. Especially as your body detoxes its important to keep in contact. Be kind to yourself....baths...music..books..movies in your down time. Whatever you have to do to keep yourself busy. This is a great place to start! I have spent ALOT of time here since quitting. ......believe me when I tell you that IT DOES GET BETTER.....so much better....welcome to sober life. PM me anytime if you need some support.

Welcome to the family of SR.:welcome Ask questions, read, and take it one day at a time. YOu can beat this thing by admitting defeat, stop fighting alcohol cause it will always win.

Hello and welcome to the forums of SR!
Hope to see you in the chat room again.

Another day!
 

Feeling great this morning! Been up and at it! Thanks for all the kinds words!

I had a really long post, imagine that :O and I don't want to lose it. I was trying to find pics of the AA book I found:(I have to have 15 posts to do so....I'll be back (I said that like Arnold S. in The Terminator!)

So much information and help/support here, I'm getting overwhelmed! I need to take one step at a time, in the last 2 hours I have read about smoking, anxiety, family issues....so much ahead.

I am back with my 15 posts and going to paste my intial post ( saved it after it wouldn't post, too much typing!) I did this morning with pics of the AA book I have :)

I have to get away from here before I am ADDICTED to this and have to get for being a forum addict.

This place is such a blessing!

From this morning (I was 'off to fix my life', and instead spent 3 hours here reading!) I'm really leaving now!:

Good morning! Just got back from docs and am feeling so much better this morning. The headache is gone!

I feel like a different person this morning then I did last Sat. Like, not the same person. For the last 2 months things have really spiraled. My bills are all a mess from, thank goodness, only 1 month. I can imagine if this had continued I could and would have lost my job, everything...ugh.

Before everyone wakes up, I am going to read the Blue Book and see what's in there. I am guessing it's the "The Twelve Steps"?

A thrift shop opened in one of the buildings my office is located. I am always stopping in there to buy old books. I love old books, especially the ones with different covers and papers. The volunteers work at this shop while in a program for men rehabilitating from drugs/alcohol abuse in a local based ministry. I was dropping lunch off to one of the volunteers a couple of months ago and a shipment was just unpacked of books and one caught my eye. It had a leather sewn, really neat, looking cover. I grabbed it, paid and ran. It got tossed in my car and a week or so ago I unburied it from a pile in the back of the house, you know, where everything gets thrown when the kids 'clean the car out'?

It was the Blue Book. I studied the cover, I scanned to share this morning with you all.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y17...gbookcover.jpg

The Blue Book and and what appears to me to be an upside down wine glass at the bottom of the 'spine'.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y17...overinside.jpg

(have to do another post because I am only allowed 3 images...cont'd to post 2)

(Con't from previous post)

I breezed through it this morning and found the previous owner had must of really spent some time with this book. There are stickers on the front inside over of the hard blue book, dates, the person was an attorney rom Kerrville, TX, that is all I will reveal about ID. A LOT of notes throughout in red ink. Taped on Pg 2 a 'cut out' of "The BIg Book of AA, The Anvil - - - AA Word"

Here is a pic of that

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y17...48/inside1.jpg



Taped in the back page, I found this article taped.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y17...articleAA1.jpg http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y17...articleAA2.jpg





I plan on spending some time reading this book over the weekend. My first thoughts this morning to myself " I don't even know what the 12 steps are, I need to at least figure out Step One, LOL! I have to start somewhere!"....I couldn't find them listed in the book at quick glance so I googled:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Off to work on my life.

About the meds.....I'm not an MD, but I've taken all of the alcohol medicines and want to share my experience with you.

Antabuse is a horrible medication. It's old-school. You'll become ill even if you have fish cooked in a white wine sauce, for example. It does not reduce cravings.

There are some new medications that are effective at reducing the craving for alcohol. Ask your doctor about Campral and Naltrexone. Studies show impressive results when they are taken together. They are non-addictive.

Campral and Naltrexone, when combined with a recovery program (like AA), are very effective.

Best of luck!

Wow, to inherit a big book that obviously had a lot of meaning to someone. What serendipity!

As everyone seems to be saying... you already know that your life depends on stopping the usage of alcohol. I too would keep after your MD about the medication. From what I have heard from one alcoholic though, your experience was similar. Sadly for him, the terrible aches and all the vomitting still wasn't enough to make him stop which is something I will never understand. The point of the drug however is partly negative reinforcement and I guess if that is all that gets through to you...

I can't pretend to understand your level of physical addiction but I can offer you support if you want it :)

Godspeed.

Oh and I'm still trying to understand how marriages end due to alcohol? Is there a slacking of responsibility? Is there trouble with the law? Is there running out of $ because so much is spent on alcohol? So many people say their alcohol use ended their marriage and I'm just trying to understand how that is the case. If it is really true that 50% of all (even non alcoholic marriages) end in divorce, maybe the marriage was the problem in the first place? I don't know... trying to understand.

:amen:

Don't really have much advice, but I do hope you stick around and keep posting! Congrats on deciding to quit drinking. It does get better. :ghug3

I don't know if this is directed at me...to clarify, I never said my divorce(s) ended from the alcohol, I was saying I could not blame any of the lifes happenings, just could blame myself.

Hiya! The phone musta rang or something came up and I read only this one post and responded before moving on I x'd out and didn't even seen these too posts...duh. Just wanted to say thanks for you input. I do see what you are saying in that respect and you are right. Problem here, no one knew..but me. I was doing all this drinking secretly. Hubby didn't know until I called and said I need to go to rehab.

The only thing people did know was about the accident, but that was written off as hubby #1's fault by all my kin...you know how that goes. Everyone is pretty shocked that I have shared with, a few said, ahhhh, now 'such and such' makes sense. Thing are adding up now. I know...that's what counts, and what you are saying has most for sure had it's effects and your comments are sincerely appreciated. I am sorry for what you had to go through...I am sorry for what I am going through now.

I'm on day 7, IIRC. and I am pushin on...next ciggies, and anxiety inbetween. Thanks for your support.

Dear face, Welcome to the wonderful world of alcohol withdrawal. As crappy as you felt, a lot of us have been much worse off. That's a nice big book you have there. Now call the AA number in the phone book, it's manned 24/7, and ask for directions to the closest meeting. Bring you book with you. Let everyone know you're new and need help.
Reading the Big Book is nice, but you really need a sponsor to guide you through it. Hence the notes you found in the copy you picked up. That man had a sponsor.

And for Lauren, most divorces in alcoholic families occur after sobriety. And the reasons for this are innumerable. But what it boils down to is that the alcoholic gets sober and thinks that now everything is peachy. They don't realize the effect their drinking has had on the spouse and children over the years. For them, everything's not peachy. They had to change their personalities to accomodate living w/ a drunk, and those changes don't vanish overnight. The alcoholic is well and cannot understand why everyone else isn't. That sittuation leads to divorce. The smart spouse bailed out long ago because they didn't want to live their lives w/ a drunk.

Day 8...feeling great!

OK, I am exaggerating a bit...I feel way better than I did.

Went to docs yesterday, have to quit ciggies....I wonder if it's better to tackle that now, or one thing at a time.

Praying for everyone who is struggling today.

I'm back. Been MIA for awhile. Fell back into the routine, damnit. I am determined to beat this. Have some personal support right now. My BFF from HS has been clean 7 months. He has encouraged me to go to a meeting and found me one close to my home.

Thanks for being here. :thanks

dang it:scorebad

Welcome back!

welcome back facing2day :wave:

D

I know this is an older thread, but came across it when I was looking for effects of taking antabuse and drinking. I showed it to my AH because he thought he had figured out a way to get around the effects of antabuse by simply drinking before taking the medicine every morning. He also had figured out that he would throw up but once he did he said he could still drink. He did not realize that the severe muscle pain he was experiencing was also a reaction to the antabuse - he's barely been able to walk and was convinced it had nothing to do with his drinking alcohol on antabuse.

Until I shared this on-line entry with him. He gets it now - but more than that, this post also resonated with him on a personal level as he recognized himself in the story; and not just the antabuse reaction. While he's taking medication and seeing a doctor, I'm hopeful that he will see this forum as another means of getting support. Although I told him if he did, he will find some not so flattering posts about himself that I wrote - and some pointed responses from, not the family members, but others battling alcoholism. You guys cut each other less slack than we family members do. I think that's awesome.

And to facing2day, thanks for opening my AH's eyes, if only a little bit to the potential of this forum to help him through his recovery. Its a start.

Decided to Detox/Now in Rehab
 

As u all know I relapsed a couple of weeks ago..... I believe I am getting the right help this time around. Last time at this I detoxed and went right back home...this time, I left on 10/12 and went to detox in FL....stayed 5 days and now am in 30 day rehab program.

I am learning sooooooooooo much. I am also thankful to God that I did not and have not and am not the only one going through this. I knew here that I was not the only one, but, WOW...the people I have met and stories I have heard in the last 5 days of meetings and here at rehab, well, it's scared the bejesus out of me.

I know now I have to stick it out here for 30 days and then continue w/sponsor when I get home (have a temp one while here, met at AA meeting) and if I follow the steps and turn to the God I know that loves me I can be in recovery.

I will have to battle this for the rest of my life. I think I can. One day at a time right now.

I will fill in more later. Just got computer in my apt fixed so now I can be online.

Leaving for meeting in 10...hope to catch up w/y'all in chat later tonight.

Thanks for all the love n support....I'm not sure I would have made the decision to take these steps w/o learning so much here on this website.

:praying

good to hear from you facing2day :)

D