first day.....again
 

I am trying this again starting today. I've been sober before for 4 years, but relapsed and have only had a few short periods of sobriety, like a month here and 2 months there, in the past 7-8 years. I really think if I don't stop now I will die from this. At this point, after many, many relapses, I don't know if I can and that scares me. And it scares me to think of living without alcohol to buffer emotions, or not feel at all, or not feel loneliness.

Planning on going to a meeting after work, a little ashamed to show my face there again, starting over again, but not so much I won't go. Seeing a counselor and psychiatrist and taking some medication to reduce cravings, maybe use Antabuse as well. I want to maximize my chances of success, cause if I can't quit and stay quit this time, I really don't know what I'll do.

Don't ever feel like you are ashamed to go back. At least you made it back. I know I am glad to see someone coming back.

http://bestsmileys.com/welcome/9.gif

I'm with you, partner. I've been back to Day-1 so many times I've lost count. The shame, guilt, and demoralization are horrible. But there's no better cure for the shame and guilt than the open arms of AA. At least, that is my experience.

/rhn

I have been there soooooo many times. Today is 3 weeks. It is hard I am not gonna lie but I am doing it. One day at a time is all I can say and if ya ever need to chat gimme a holler :)

thanks for your replies. I am new here and hope this will be one more layer of defense in this fight. I want to make it work this time.

Welcome aboard, H2H. :)

Welcome. Glad you are here.

welcome!...H2H..good on ya...the only failure is in not trying...hugs..

Welcome. You CAN do it!

You have a whole new army here at SR with you now... don't be afraid to use us. So happy to hear that you are returning to AA, you may be the hope someone else needed.

Take Care

NB

Day One Again
 

I'm with you, hopingtohope. It is so scary knowing that if you don't quit a behavior that it may kill you, wondering if you have the will to do it. I feel so ashamed of myself it is unreal---ashamed that I know nothing will change unless I make an effort every day.

One day at a time. That really is all of it. One foot in front of the other and don't drink in between.

My 2 Big Fears
 

Two things that have become most frightening to me concerning my alcoholism is my paranoia and feelings of utter hopelessness. When you don't have hope, you really don't have anything. I don't wish this on anyone, but it really is a great help to know that other people are struggling w/the same thing. I have learned a lot about myself as I have gotten progressively worse. It's a shame it takes such a terrible disease to learn about yourself. I look around me and realize how good I have it compared to other people in the world and wonder why I'm trying to kill myself.

I'm not in AA so I'm not sure what the AA line is, but I never like it when recovery is made to sound like something that just happens, eventually ...HP does not mean Harry Potter.

me, you, everybody - we make it happen.
We embrace it...or we don't.

D

I have to quote this as this is also something I think of & feel guilt for.. maybe another topic/thread. I will leave it with you for now "another", please post a topic about this if you read this.

Cheers,

NB

Welcome and please keep posting. You are not the first person to feel like you do and wont be the last. There is plenty of hope. Your not alone.

H2H welcome to SR, I hope you made it to a meeting last night, one thing AA does not do is shoot our wounded! Heck if we did that I doubt there would be many of us at all!!!!

H2H if you did walk in that room last night I can tell you that you helped others stay sober another day, you know you never have to drink again unless of course you want to, you have 4 years under your belt so you know what sobriety offers you.

I was given the gift of desperation before I went into detox, I had lost all hope for sobriety and was desperate enough when I saw that doctor to follow any sugestion given to me because I had no hope, I had no idea how to get and stay sober, I had not drawn a sober breath in 5 years.

The doctor suggested detox, I went to detox.

Detox suggested at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor, I went to well over 90 AA meetings and I got a sponsor.

My sponsor and the old timers in AA said if I wanted a chance at good long term sobriety to take the steps with my sponsor.

Well I did take the steps with my sponsor and the steps set me free! They set me free of the bonds of my alcoholism and of self. Today I sponsor other men and when they are ready I take them through the steps.

H2H I wish you well, be willing to do what ever it takes to get & stay sober, always keep in mind that it is only for today, just stay sober today.

Keep in mind that alcoholism never changes to alcoholwasm.

There is no shame in going to an AA meeting after a relapse. I go to two meetings a week. One is a Swedish group and the other one is an International group that is English speaking. The night I was feeling pretty down about my relapse it just turned out that a guy with 8 years of sobriety showed up in the middle of a bender. he was drinking for four months.
His share was really powerful because he was really hurting.
I don't know how AA is going to work for me, but I am going to keep giving it a try. I can't quit. I don't have any issues with a higher power and frankly, after a year of going to AA meets, I have not had a single person push religion on me.
That is really a myth that you are supposed to become religious. What it has meant for me instead, is that it is a place where I can finally pick up the pieces of my life.

ok, so that didn't go well. I went to a meeting last night and it was fine, but I still had booze at home and I drank last night. The plan was to dump it down the drain. too much temptation, I guess. Now house is alcohol free, I just have to get myself there without stopping anywhere. I have an appt with a therapist I've been seeing after work.

I want to be sober, but keep sabatoging myself even as I am doing recovery things. Do I just not want it enough? Maybe that is part of addiction and the addicted brain, or I am just making excuses to drink.....I don't know what to think anymore.