ok that's enough, rehab for me!
 

Well things aren't going great, my drinking has escalated to blackouts which i have never had before, periods of a few hours where i can't remember what i did, keep finding things in weird places, weird emails, terrible behaviour including last night explaining to a rough group of guys in a very rough bar why i consider all catalans to be peasants...seems i am seriously putting myself in harms way on purpose!

My friend has tried to take me to AA a couple of times and i refuse to go back, god knows why as i am sure it would help me,so the only thing left is rehab. Have contacted tonight several places in the south of spain, have someone to look after my cat, will put my stuff in storage and im off, looking to start in the first week of May. My initial plan to take time off and get myslf sorted is a ridiculous proposal as i don't have a clue of what to change, how to think or where to start!

I should have gone to rehab 3 years ago, i remember almost going but this time i will...it's amazing after the 5 months sober how i have gone back to drinking wth such a vengeance and how much worse it is now.

Anyways just thought i would update you all and will no doubt post again before going, let's hope and pray that some of the time there gets through my thick head. I never really thought drinking would kill me but am certain now that at the very least it will make me seriously ill in the next few years unless i deal with it...pretty amazing stuff this disease!

Hope all are well:-)

I wish you lots of luck in what ever you chose to do. I drink the same way as you (long time off then come back drinking the same amount as I used to...) so I will love to see an update when you get back and let us know how you do. I haven't ruled out Rehab yet either it just most likely means losing my job... GOOD LUCK and please let us know how you are doing. we are all routing for you!

Good luck.

Rehab started me on the road to recovery. AA has been the answer for me ever since I got out.

Wishing you nothing but the best! :ghug

Best of luck to you. Im glad you are taking a proactive approach to getting better.

Hey Cliff
Hope rehab's the ticket mate :)

D

Good luck, I hope this is finally what you need :)

Rehab was a great jumping off point for me. I tried several times by myself and I couldn't do it on my own.

Best of luck to you!!

I'm glad you've come to this decision for yourself, Cliff. It takes what it takes, and the rest of your life is at stake.

Please check in when you can.

Be safe.

Good thoughts are with you. :07:

Donna

Yes, this disease is relentless.

I am SO glad that you are continuing to seek help. Rehab sounds like a good idea.

Please keep in touch when you can.

Me too, best of luck to u!

Good luck friend... Stay in touch until May, give us a shout when you are out!

:hug:

I went away for 10 months and it was THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE FOR MYSELF!!! I wish you the best. So happy for you. :ghug

Excellent plan...:hug:

Isn't it amazing how much worse it gets and how much quicker when we pick up again!! Cunning, baffling & POWERFUL

Good luck with the rehab.

My prayers are with you.

Best of luck to a new start!:c011:

Thanks all for the kind words and support, it really does mean a lot. Well i feel more human today, got 19 days till i get checked in and have to make a decision on one of two centres today. Got emails from both last night! I feel good about this, my one and only question will be regarding AA, sober living, one day at a time, serenity etc...has to be what the hell are you talking about, i simply don't get it? I think if they show and tell me everyday for 28 days some of it has to sink in :smashfrea, i am going with a completely open mind and willing to learn so i have high hopes!

I think it is time to be more honest with myself, going back to my plan of moving and taking time of work to go to AA meetings and work on my recovery sounds great but at the moment it is BS! I know i won't go to meetings so why kid myself, i have done it befoe on several occasions, i remember leaving London in 2001 for 9 months locking myself in a lovely rental house and trying to fix myself, didn't work, then moving abroad, same thing didn't work etcetc fast (or should i say slow) forward 8 years...

I was thinking about things that i say, my favourite is i wouldn't give a bucket of **** for my memories, that's so wrong. We only live once and do die eventually you would think anyone with half a brain would be enjoying themselves lol even my cat makes the most of each day lol I'm glad i have made this decision and am not going travelling, to find myself, for a couple of months as planned, which would be just a total waste of time...again!

Will keep you all updated, hopefully this will be the fresh start i so desperately need:-)

Thanks again for your support :c017:

Yeahgr8~

Im glad you have made the decision to take care of yourself! I wish you nothing but the best. Keep us updated if you can.

:bday8

Cliff, this rang a bell -

I'm very familiar with it. Last time I posted to you a word I used was "underestimate" as in "don't underestimate alcoholism". I'm saying it again. Don't underestimate what alcoholism can do to you and what it can take from you. Nothing is sacred. Someone once said to me "there's a part of me that wants me dead". Bill Alexander wrote something similar - that active addiction is an act of "monstrous self-hatred". Put aside all the bollocks that's spoken around here by people who don't know any better about "choices" and "rationality". These things ONLY have a rightful place in recovery AFTER we are able to acknowledge at a profoundly personal level the truth of our condition. That we are insane and we need help. No-one willingly admits they're that sick - but circumstances will, sooner or later, force us to accept that truth, and that's where I have to reiterate - don't underestimate how bad it can get. Don't underestimate the despair, fear, anguish, terror, confusion that this condition can bring to you. Don't underestimate how much you can lose, of yourself and of your life.

In rehab or in AA, be ready to acknowledge your condition. Or be ready to just keep being surprised at how much worse it can get.

Good luck

Well done on this positive step, Cliff. :)

If it's any consolation, I am an expat lost in the middle of nowhere and I don't really have "a home" to speak of.
I've spent the last 20 years if my life wandering around like a gypsy in Europe, South America and several addresses in the US. I used to be amazed at how quickly I would move around, I don't think I had the same address in the US for more than 6 months at a time for years. And alcohol was right there behind me. I wasn't really alone. I always had that bottle.

I had a F2F meeting with my AA sponsor for the first time Monday morning and I left her apartment feeling like I was on top of the world. Then I felt like I was on the bottom of it. I have never had two more conflicting emotions ever, I hated myself and I loved myself all at the same time.

One of the things we talked about is how I am probably a codie: I give my two alkie brothers money all the time. There is always a new excuse.
She told me: STOP that behavior.
Well, sorry I am rambling here.
I guess I am trying to say that AA has been one of the best things that ever happened to me.
My sponsor may as well be a highly paid psychiatrist who gives the best advice I've ever been given at the cost of thousands of dollars. But, I don't pay a dime. She is incredible.
This week has been really hard for me because I finally understood that I'm codie plus an alcoholic and it was hard to accept that maybe I am not the recipient of the love I was expecting. I wanted it but I didn't get it.

On the other hand, I get the love from my sons and husband despite being a complete drunk *******.
Wow, alcoholic 101: want love where you don't get it and disregard the love where you have it.

Cliff for many of us it takes rehab to get a foot hold on sobriety, when you go to rehab do as you said you would, keep an open mind, also be honest and willing to do what ever it takes. I can assure you that they are going to tell you to do something in rehabe that at the time is going to sound like the dumbest thing you have ever heard of in the world, it will leave you wondering "What in the world does this have to do with staying sober?". Don't fight it, just do it, one day you will have an Aha moment and what they had you do will make perfect sense.

As you have already discovered, the hardest part is staying sober, not getting sober!!! Keep that in mind when you get out of rehab, go to meetings, get in the middle of AA and not on the outskirts of it. It is hard to fall off when you are in the middle of AA, it is easy when you are on the outer fringes.

I did not do rehab, I went through medical detox and then threw myself into AA, over 90 meetings in 90 days and got a sponsor the first day out of detox. Rehab was an option open to me, but in speaking with my IOP guy he said I appeared to be doing well with AA and he assured me that if I felt I needed rehab it was there for me.

Stay in touch and do not back down, this is really a matter of life and death!

Thanks guys, i have contacted them and i am meeting with my friend tomorrow from AA who is looking after my cat from the 6th May, i guess i will be checking in from 11th May. It's totally based around the 12 steps so i hope this will give me the want to go to AA upon leaving! When i did the 5 months my counselor said from he start go to AA and i didn't, my friend has taken me down to AA and i haven't been back, some of you guys with years of sobriety and happiness have said go to AA and i don't, surely even someone like me can get some sort of message at the end of 28 days!

Seriously though i know i am sick, i can see that now and i'm not laughing anymore, i'm totally clueless on how to live and i will be doing what they say without question, even if i think it is BS and stupid, which i probably will until i get it!

My friend finds it 'amusing' that i don't go to AA, the miracle has happened for her and she is 3 years+ sober, but i can't see it and she can't, as much as she tries, explain it to me (sponsor, steps, meetings), this is so something i must do and am doing!

It is good to come to SR and pòst and read at a time like this, hopfully i can start giving instead of taking in the future!

Well you are right where I was at before I went into detox, I felt totally hopeless and clueless as to what to do, but I like you was damn sure willing to do what was suggested because I did not have a clue any more, I had tried everything I could pull out of my rear, I knew at that point that my will power alone just did not cut it!

Keep the attitude you have right now, you will find the solution! Just keep in mind it does not happen over night, you did not wake up an alcoholic, that took time, getting better will to.