I Prefer Compassion with my "Whine"
 

Oh, SR.


What's been going on?

I know I've been registered for less than a year, but I stumbled onto this site a year ago. I lurked for a good while and decided that this was a safe place to be...a good place to vent whenever I needed to.

During the last couple to few months...things have felt......different. Maybe it's me. But one thing I've noticed that's really ticking me off is that when fellow human beings come here to vent, to get something off of their mind, to be honest (maybe for the first time EVER), someone always comes along with their judgments and opinions. Sometimes it’s appropriate to listen…I do not always voice my thoughts. Oftentimes I hold back out of compassion because I know what it feels like to pour your heart out because you hurt. We’ve all been there. We’re not automatons, for craps sake. And I know that sometimes when I write honestly and no one comes by to rock the boat, I can read my words and think more clearly about what’s going on.

Call me sensitive, call me emotional. Fine. I don’t see it as a bad thing, although the rest of society does (at least in the U.S.--I’ve never lived elsewhere).

I’m feeling that I can’t count upon this place for solace anymore…and that makes me sad. I hope I’m wrong.

Things have felt different to me for a while too, Bam. I thought it was just me but a lot of people are saying the same thing.

There is still a lot of compassion here, just ignore the judgemental posts, I know that can be hard to do though, they get under my skin sometimes too. I sometimes wonder if these people forget what it was like, you know?

Compassionate hug. :hug:

There does seem to be 'something in the air', so to speak. But I come here anyway and try to not pay attention to the 'fighting'.

:ghug3

I guess its a different strokes thing.

When I first came here, I needed someone to rock my boat - I was in serious crapola.
I joined SR to save my life.

I knew my way wasn't working - if the only opinions I'd acknowledged were ones like my own, I'd still be drinking, deluding myself....and I might not be here today.

I haven't forgotten what it was like at all - I spent a lot of nights - years - wondering if I'd ever get out - I hope I will always have compassion, and empathy.

But I hope I'll always be useful too. We are talking about a life changing challenge here - it's never easy, and I think I'm doing everyone a disservice if I'm less than honest.

I try to share on an experience basis and be fair - the only journey I should judge is my own etc etc - but particularly recently, I've gotten more than one person's back up.

I think I'm a far better poster than I was a year ago, so I'm not sure where that leaves me either...

I came here because I didn't have all the answers.

Call me cranky, but it seems to me a lot of the time lately looking for answers and recovery is coming second place to a need for validation, and if I'm right, that's really sad.

D

Well put as usual, Dee. :)

I think a person can still be honest and challenging without coming across as judgemental. It is the feeling of being judged that irks me, and it is judgement that Bam mentions. It can just be a matter of tone sometimes, maybe, coming across as having lost patience.

Anyway, nothing I said applies to you, even though you are a cranky bugger, lol.

I want someone to tell me what, I need to hear in an honest manner.

That's what friends that care for you do.

Good Post Bam!

I agree that the magic of SR is the ability to talk about the confusion, pain, frustration of early sobriety openly in a non-judgemental atmosphere...

I am glad you posted, I too feel a slightly different tone, I was off the forum for a few weeks and came back. I am going to remember what you said every time I post a reply... If I think I am gonna say something that someone needs to hear as opposed to what they think they need to hear, I am going to put myself in their shoes and try to be compassionate and most of all, remember what it was like for me when I first came to SR, before I say a word. I will also try speak up more when I see someone who needs a little TLC.

Thanx
Mark

I was thinking about this yesterday. I always try to be compassionate perhaps to the point of being enabling and this is the part I was pondering.
I honestly feel that the posters that come across as judgmental have perhaps had a harder time at this than I have and honestly feel that they have to say what they have to say in order to save that person's life.
I like to think that it mostly out of compassion and concern and not out of anger and contempt.
We are all in this together and try to support each other in our own way so if someone comes across a little too strong try to see the message as good even though the way he delivers it may be a bit rough.
Group hug. :ghug

Yes, stone. Exactly. This is what I'm asking for. Sensible sensitivity, perhaps?

this is my take....

I want to share my experience and hope to any newcomer that WANTS to listen..

i believe that the solution i found to my dilema can and does work for others.

How i get that across is AS important as what i want to get across.

If i am curt...judgemental...rude...border line name calling or just make sweeping judgements that person will probably reject what im trying to say.

I know i would....and have...

So for me its AS important to "how you say it".....as well as what you say.

I think sometimes.....important..messages are lost because of how the post is written.

thats my take anyhow....trucker

HI,

My favorite saying applies here...

Take what you need and leave the rest...

Why are we confusing our issues with recovery in the first place.
The sooner we figure out that our alcoholism and addictions are not a result of how our day went, the sooner we will recover.

What, exactly, are they a result of?

We drink because we're Alcoholics.

Good thread! I remember early in my recovery, I had very thin skin. I also had a sponsor who often reminded me I could find sympathy between sh*t and syphilis in the dictionary. She was going to bring home a bed pan from the nursing home where she volunteered 5 days a week (she was over 70 years old and a real spit fire) and paint 'DeVon's pity pot' on it. :lmao

She was just what I needed because 'soft' was what kept me sick for many years. I kept going from person to person till I heard what I wanted to hear and it kept me sick sick sick.

Early in my recovery I was also still very self-centered, and therefore took everything personally. It was still all about me, me, me. People were judging me, mocking me, laughing at me, they didn't understand.

Over the years I've grown a thicker skin, and I suspect that after a lot of footwork, the loss of self-centeredness has played a huge role in not taking things personally.

That is the effect, not the cause.

I don't know the cause, nor do I care. Nobody with any credibility has ever called alcoholism a moral weakness. I can not stop drinking once started, regardless of how my day is going.

I too have been feeling a shift lately.
Its sorta died down as far as I can tell.
But it was chaotic there for a minute.
Poor mods.
I never want to sugar coat anyhting.
I cant tell someone its goin to be ok if its not.
Like Dee..I need that hard edge starit talk. Its what gets my attention.
I appreciate the gentle approaches too.
But I agree...You can be oinest and direct without being a jerk with a huge ego.
Or being mean and judgemental.
I have to admit..I have done this at one point too. But quickly admitted my wrong.
I try to be as understanding and compassionate as I can be.
I knwo how it feels to be looked upon with judgement. And it makes me mad and brings my ugly out.
Thats not what I am looking for.

I hope you stay around Bam..I miss you when your not here.

((Bam))

At the risk of sounding judgmental, I don't like these threads. This is probably the 7th one that I have read of the sort in the last month and I honestly have this sort of visceral reaction to it. I navigated away for awhile because I didn't understand why and couldn't think of how my negative comments could contribute but I am back.

I haven't been on here that long and to me when I read this it makes me feel unwelcome. I personally don't feel judgmental and try hard to not transmit that but I know that I also am not one to throw virtual hugs into cyberspace. It is just not my style.

I struggled a lot on here in the beginning with the medium of the internet. Communicating via text only is difficult. In my real life I am a f2f communicator, using other means on a need to know basis only. This is because so much is lost without the person's body and expressions there to communicate fully what they are saying. Therefore sometimes when I type things I worry they are coming off as abrasive when I am just trying to state facts. I often am amused because I wonder how much would change in reactions to me if the information was coming out of my mouth or even if I put my picture up as my avatar.

You can't control what other people say. I actually think it is amazing how well SoberRecovery does work and how respectful and articulate people are. I think a good mantra is "take what you want and leave the rest." The beauty is being able to click away. I personally think that is a better policy than trying to police peoples' judgmental airs because it seems well, judgmental. People look for different things as support, I for one am not into chipper virtual hugs although lots of others are, so all ways of voicing your opinions and support should be allowed.

Have you noticed how many people lurk on this site as non-members? If I were one of them reading this, I would be less apt to click that button to join.

Just my two (perhaps judgmental) cents.

For me, what keeps thing in perspective is to keep in mind that people are sharing their own opinions and experiences.

I don't consider anyone on SR to be an authority on alcoholism & recovery - especially my recovery. Many people are of great help of course. But it is unrealistic to think that I will always read what I need to read and it will be written in a tone that I find agreeable. After all, this is an internet forum.

I really don't get at all upset by what I read on SR. What's the point?