90 Days In: The State of My Recovery
 

Yesterday marked my 3 month anniversary since my decision to quit drinking as the initial step on my road to recovery. When I came here 3 months ago, my stated goals were to stop drinking, break the nicotine addiction, and to discontinue the use of pain pills unless I was in pain. As it stands today I have quit drinking, I have broken the nicotine addiction, although I have dabbled with a few Tylenol w/ Codeine pills from time to time. Two here, two there, nothing too excessive but something that is on my radar to finally stop doing. Also, I have continued the occasional recreational use of marijuana but my initial goals never included stopping that because I didn't want to but I think this feeling is changing. This is a work in progress for me and I am very proud of how far I have come and I acknowledge I still have much more work to do to achieve my ultimate goal of total sobriety, complete freedom from any drugs, addictive or mind altering substances.

There have been many FIRSTS since I quit drinking, situations where normally I would have been drinking. In the beginning, it was as simple as getting though my first weekend. Or my first week, or first month. Other firsts include: being in a bar without drinking, going to a concert without drinking, eating out without drinking, flying on a plane without drinking, New Years Eve, the Holidays, going to a professional sporting event, and quite a few other firsts I'm sure I can't think of right now.

I have faced temptation to be sure, but I have stayed strong. I have felt the feelings, had some good ones and some bad ones but I have done it without alcohol. I have come to the conclusion that I was addicted to escape and in some ways continue to be. Every drug I ever did, every drink I ever took, every addiction I ever had was a byproduct of being addicted to escape from reality. Collectively, that is what all the stuff I ever did provided me: escape. Escape from reality. Escape from fear. Next is to really figure out what else specifically I was looking to escape from. Some of it I know, some of it I am not too sure about. But I am now facing my current reality and even my past much more head on, and dealing with life like never before. I have read the Big Book cover to cover and gone to an AA meeting. I even got a two month chip. My best friend who is also an alcoholic has joined me on this road and now has two months under his belt. I feel I have grown so much since I started on this road and that I am a better person who is only getting better. Not all that long ago, THIS seemed impossible. Life seemed bleak, hopeless, like I was stuck in a rut. Now there is hope, things which seemed impossible in the past seem possible now as I focus on my emotional development which was stunted by years of chemical escapism.

Two nights ago I had a terrible dream. In the dream, I was smoking cocaine in and behind a shed at the house I grew up in and I could actually feel the high from a drug I have not done since 1992. In my dream, it was so real I could actually smell the cocaine smoke and I could feel that high. I don't know what that dream means or why I had it but there it was. In some way, I feel this dream was a part of my recovery or a byproduct of it but I'm not sure how or why.

The journey continues. I am grateful to those who have offered help and I could not have done it by myself. I make time every day to focus on my recovery whether that means reading from the Big Book, reading or posting here, watching Intervention or other recovery programming, or just talking about it with people in my life whom I can confide in.

I don't know what the future holds and sometimes I'm scared I'll forget why I made this decision in the first place. I'm afraid that someday I might think it's OK to have a drink. The only way I can deal with this is to deal with this one day at a time and to stay focused daily on it.

That's where I am right now.

Thanks for the update, Getr, and congrats of your progress. :You_Rock_

Dude, I still have crack dreams, and haven't smoked yayo since '96...

Congrats on 90 days! Many more clean and sober days to come, one day at a time.

:ghug3

I never had a dream like that (at least that I can remember) and it's not like I even think about cocaine, I don't. And these days, I'm focused on my recovery so to me, a dream like that just seems so out of place, so strange. I wish I knew what it meant. The location must mean something too. Because I was long since moved out of that house before I even tried cocaine.

Thanks for the update!

I noticed you were missing lately, and actually hoped your computer crashed :wtf2 instead of.......
Glad you are doing well and making progress!

Thank you for sharing. I can relate so much to the escapism. It feels so good to actually want to feel things. I hope you figure out what your dream means to you. Congrats on your progress!

I sometimes have vivid dreams about picking up - I mean, like it's really happening, taste, smell, feeling. Wow. First time it ruined my whole day.

Many times I think that it will be ok to have a drink sometime in the future. Many, I'm sure, can relate. You are living just for today and that's all any of us can do.

Good to see your post, congratulations on all the progress you've made.

Mark

Getr,
Wow! 3 mths, you're my hero. I'm 8 days sober this morning, still have a ways to go. What did you think of your AA meeting?

Thanks and congrats on the start of your own journey!

I started a thread about my AA meeting http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...a-meeting.html a while back but without consulting what I wrote then, my impression was good. I went with a friend, listened to people speak, kept an open mind, got a copy of the Big Book, a few phone numbers, and even a two month chip which I am very proud of. I really should go back and get my three month chip. Maybe I'll make it a monthly thing that way I get a chip every time.

Yes, and I think this is why my feelings about pot are changing.

Changing from a desire to keep it in my life like a trusty old friend to feelings of wanting to bid farewell to it once and for all.

Congrats grrr and getr345! I am new to this site. I completed like 9 months of sobriety 3 years ago then decided it was o.k. to just have beer as that's not too bad really. Of course I got back to 6,7, or 8 coo*s lights a night. I have decided I want to be clean and I appreiate hearing your stories...it is a real inspiration for me. Thank you.

And I expected that when I first started this journey, that I would have vivid dreams about drinking, maybe even similar dreams about cigarettes but I never imagined that my first "pick up" dream would feature crack cocaine behind the house I grew up in. Of course it's fair to say that house was the location of a great deal of childhood trauma, and unresolved issues.

Welcome, 1onedayatatime! :)

How are you enjoying the snow? :09:

I think there is some random element to dreams. I've had many where things are put together that don't make sense or are just impossible. I don't believe they always have to mean something. The other night I had a dream where I was teaching gymnastics again, and the gym I worked at served microbrews on tap. I found it disturbing that parents were walking around with pints of beer. And then it gets weird... they had bubble gum type vending machines that had rawhide chips for dogs. I was chewing one and it was foaming up in my mouth and was just disgusting... what does that mean? LOL!

Good morning! Man....I call them "white chip dreams", feel like I should pick up a rerun chip after because they are so real (and I used!!!).
I guess dreams are specific to the person but I like to look at them as reminders. Reminders of how easily I could be there again!!!!!!
I am very grateful it has been a long time since the last one but.....should I slack off.....................
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep doing the best possible and, in time, this will become easier and easier.

PS: Meetings really do help if you can allow yourself to get used to them, but they are not for everyone (as I have seen).:shine8pl:

Actually I was just on a week long vacation, my first since starting on the road to recovery. While on vacation, I spent a great deal of my free time just reading from the Big Book and discussing my situation with family members, all of whom were supportive and proud. New Year's Eve was a nice hurdle to get over sober, the feeling being that if I can not drink on a night like that, I can do it any night. At one point during the vacation, my Booze Brain thought how "sad" it was that I'd never again enjoy a fresh Mojito, and for a moment there I had to agree. I mean Mojitos with fresh mint, cane sugar and really good Rum,yummy...but I digress...

The feeling passed, was forgotten, and the vacation continued but on the way to the airport to leave, the wife & I stopped at a Cuban restaurant for Cubano sandwiches and they had a nice selection of bottled Cuban drinks, one of which was a Mojito drink without Rum. We ordered them, enjoyed them, and only when I got home and told my wife about the sad feeling I had at the prospect of never having a Mojito again did my wife remind me that we did have Mojitos and that we quite enjoyed them with lunch. At the time, I didn't make the connection but thinking about it after, I realized that I can truly have whatever I want and don't need alcohol to make me happy.

Thanks for putting it all out there - descriptions of what it has been line and CONGRATULATIONS on THREE MONTHS WOW that is great! Keep this journey going and keep letting us know what it is like for you - each story grows the support to everyone on this forum.

When I first started posting here, I selfishly thought that I was "putting it all out there" to primarily help myself, but I have come to the realization (with help from others and through posts like yours) that I might actually be helping other people as well by sharing my story openly and that makes me feel like it's even more worth the risk.

I almost forgot to mention that I have lost a noticeable amount of weight (like 20 pounds) from my face and from around my waist. This has been a huge benefit of my recovery. As a drinker, I was really hating the way I looked, and could not stand having a beer gut and a bloaty face. Mirrors and pictures were not my friend at that time. Anyway, in the past month or so people have told me I look good, like I've lost weight, and for the first time in a while, I look in the mirror or at a picture, and I agree with them.

I am taking pride in my appearance and this is a strong motivation for me to keep on this path.