Hi Suz. Seeing a pdoc might be a great thing for you, I am glad you are getting help. I would say be completely honest with him/her about how you are feeling and what your thoughts are. First off, explain to him/her that you do not want to be hospitalized. But you also dont want to downplay how bad you are feeling. You can say anything you want to a pdoc, it is completely confidential and you wont be judged. Good luck :ghug3

I post this on occasion, doing it again for anyone who has thoughts of suicide........

Friday, July 25, 2008
You are reading from the book Touchstones

Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more. And we also once. Never again. But this having been once, although only once, to have been of the earth, seems irrevocable.
--Rainer Maria Rilke

In the hopelessness of addiction and codependency, and as children of addicts, some of us have considered suicide, and some of us have actually tried to kill ourselves. We have maintained the option as an escape in case life got too difficult. Now, in recovery, we have chosen life. We've stopped killing ourselves in the slow ways of our old behaviors, yet some of us hold on to our ace in the hole. Either consciously or unconsciously, we haven't made that unconditional commitment to life.

It may be one firmer step into recovery - a vote for the life we have been given - to say, "I will never choose suicide. Whatever comes my way, it is not an option for me." When we give up that one final controlling maneuver, we may find ourselves freer to live in this one irretrievable life we've been given.

In choosing to be totally on the side of life, I step further into the care of God. Whatever 1 must meet, God is with me.

From Touchstones: A Book of Daily Meditations for Men ©1986, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation.

Suzette - Do WHATEVER is necessary to take care of yourself. I hope they hospitalize you if that is what is necessary to save you. I hope they change your medicine if that is what it takes. Let go and let God for now hon. Don't worry about your family, your friends or anybody but yourself right now. You need any and all help God can lead you to. I hope you don't question, but just take his hand. Love you and praying for you!!!!

(((Suzette)))

I'm glad you're seeing a psychiatrist today. I know you don't WANT to be hospitalized, but maybe that's what you need.

You are such a compassionate, caring person, I just want you to get back to where YOU see the good in you that we all see.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

hugs and prayers (((Suzette)))

D

I have to admit that there are still times when I consider that "ace in the hole", finding a way when life gets difficult or I feel "less than".

At those times I know it's more important than ever to get to a meeting, reach out for support, call a friend in the program, whatever it takes to get the help I need NOW!

Suzette, you are cared about and loved so much by your friends here. You've helped us with your words & the support you've given. You are coping with so much right now - being down is normal until you figure out a way to swing with all these changes. I know you grow tired of being "strong" and resilient. It does get old at times & we feel like giving up the fight. I know you won't - you'll rise above this and come shining through. Sending prayers up for a brighter day for you.

((((Suzette)))) I hope and pray you will feel better soon and that the answer to what you need will come clear and that you will be ok with it.

Love
Jomey

For what it's worth, even on my best days I think of suicide at least once, as if to make sure I can still fantasize about that escape. What keeps me from acting on it is that I know I cannot and will not abandon my dogs. If that sounds selfish to not put my kids above the fate of my dogs, it's because the kids have another parent who would take them and love them - my dogs only have me.

But it's enough to keep me alive, one day at a time. I beg you to find someone or something to keep you alive, even if it's just Hope and nothing more tangible than that. I understand your feelings and can only hope you feel better and that your visit with the pdoc was helpful. PM me if you want to talk. I can listen as energetically as I can talk!

:ghug3

In all honesty Suzette. And thats the first time I have used your name. Because this hits me real close.
Everything you said about the thoughts...I thought exactly the same thing last year.
I would be driving down the road and just hit the gas and want to jerk the wheel and I would see myself flying off the road and flipping and crashing. And just some really disturbing things.
I always thought everyone would be better off without me. After all..All I did was cause misery and pain and problems for my grams and worry.
I cant tell you how many ways I have imagined my own demise.
And sometimes I would just think about just running away and never coming back or letting anyone know where I was. So they wouldnt have to deal with my BS anymore.
On May 19th 2007...I decided I would do them the favor and be done with myself. For them and me. I couldnt do it anymore.
And I got so tired of facing my family..especially my grams..Looking into her eyes for the millionth time. Sorry doesnt mean anything anymore.
I wont get into what all I did. As it is very graphic and I honestly have no idea why I am still here breathing and typing to you as I am now.
But I saw what My perception of what I thought would be a better way for them to be wothout me REALLY did to them.
I will NEVER..and I mean NEVER..forget the look on my grams face when they found me.
I dont remember anything at all except that. And her shaking histerical voice saying..what did you do??!!! What did you do!!!
She still cant even talk about it with me to this day.
Anyway...What I thought was doing them a favor.In my sick mind..was exactly the opposite.
I would have killed her too.
I know she would not recover fully from that if I would have succeeded.
I learned that not only was I hurting..But they were too. And for me to do something like that..It would have had a lifetime of pain and misery..questions..guilt on their part.
While I took the cowards way out.
Leaving them to deal with even more pain.
I know I am rambling..And probably not making sense right about now.
But my point is...Theres always a way.
And as much as I felt useless and as much as I felt I was more of a problem to my family than anything.
I was so wrong.
I am sorry it took me to go that far to relize it.
I have not and will not ever think like that again.
I couldnt leave my grams with that on her shoulders. And to me..I was being selfish by doing what I did.
We all have our moments. And sometimes it lasts alot longer than we would like.
But it does pass. And it does take some work.
And it will hurt for awhile. But it is worth it...You are worth it..Your family is worth it.
Get help Suzette. Please dont let these htoughts go unaddressed.
They dont go away if you dont seek help.
It will build and grow and eat you up.
I dont want you to find out the hard way.
You are such a beautiful..intelligent..caring person. You have a huge heart.
I am willing to believe in you..I do believe in you...Please believe in yourself and try to see what everyone here sees.
You have alot of people here that care a whole lot about you.
And from what you tell us..You have some great kids that need their mom.
You might be sad and hurting right now..But you are there and there is still hope.
You cant take death back.There is no do overs with that.
I am sorry this is so long and I am rambling. But I am sad to see such a wonderful person hurting like that.
I am praying for you.

I am finally getting some answers. The psychiatrist said I have type 2 bi-polar, panic disorder, and I'm severely depressed. I then went to the therapist and was set up in a outpatient program, so I have a reason to get up each morning I will also be seeing a therapist one on one. These things will hopefully pull me out of this funk.

I also recieved news today that my gallblader has to come out next week. My doctor says if I have another attack before than to go straight to the emergency room and they will remove it there.

This may sound unbelievable, but my mom found out 3 hours before I did that she needs to have her gallbladder removed. It seems like a halloween prank to me

Dont worry about me, I will be fine. I may be going to the ER soon because I am having some pain - I knew I should'nt have eaten that cheese. So if I dont respond to posts in the next couple hours, please say a pray that the surgury will go well.

I typed this with shakey hands and it probably does not make much sense.

Love you all,
Suzette

That made alot of sense.
You made my day sweety.
Get better..take care of you too.
Just as you have taken on so much with your family lately. Always make sure your needs are taken care of as well.
Good luck. And I am thinking of you and your mom.
You are an amazing woman. And you deserve everything good in life.
http://i248.photobucket.com/albums/g...s/Bighug-1.jpg

(((Suzette)))

I'm so glad you got some answers, and you made my day, too.

Think you and your mom could get a 2-for-1 special:)

You've made my day, too, and I'm glad you warned us you may not be here for the gallbladder surgery. I'm hoping this ends the pain, and the problems you've been having with your stomach.

Luv ya, sweetie!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Love and prayers and hugs for you!:ghug3

suzette

How about a ten-dollar bill, in pristine condition, uncrumpled, never having changed hands?

It's worth 10 dollars, right? To you, to me, to anybody. Imagine sealing that newborn, crispy ten-dollar bill in a watertight container and dropping it in the middle of a deep lake. What's it worth now? Well, it's still got an intrinsic value of 10 dollars, but in order to hand it over to a storekeeper in exchange for some food, you'd have to rent a pretty sophisticated boat, some fancy detection equipment, and maybe a team of skilled divers to get that box back. And that would cost you far more than 10 dollars.

At the bottom of a lake, your perfect, crispy ten-dollar bill is worth less than nothing...



suzette, try takeing a baby steps to kick-start your Worthfullness...

Don't wait until you feel better. It works the other way around: the more you do, even if it's not very successful, the better you'll feel...

good wishes to you

rz

Suzette,

Thank you for the update. I'm relieved that you have a diagnosis now and a plan. Things are less scary when they have a name, right? I will be thinking of you and hope you check in again after to going to the ER. Actually, I'm hoping things settled down and you just got some much needed rest.

I'm sorry about your Mom also. You're in my thoughts.

With Love,
Kathleen